by Addison Cole
“I can talk for hours. My brothers roll their eyes at me, and I know it’s because I say what they think, and it’s not always the most appropriate thing to say aloud. We’re so close, it’s like we can read one another’s minds.” She shrugged. “I tend to call them on things they wish they could keep hidden.”
Jack realized she had been doing the same thing to him. “How many brothers do you have?”
Her eyes lit up. “Five. I’m the typical adoring sister, I’m afraid.”
Jack laughed. “That’s cute. I think my sister is the same way toward me. I have four brothers and a sister.”
“You have a big family, too. Don’t you love it? Gosh, I can’t imagine life without them. We’re all really close, and my brothers are all like you—big and burly, very masculine.”
He could tell by the excitement in her voice that she really did adore them, and it made him long to be close with his family once again.
“They’re also overprotective,” Savannah added. “If I had cell service, they’d probably have called me sixteen times already to make sure I was okay. Are you close to your family?”
Jack thought about lying. It would be easier than admitting that he’d driven them away. But he didn’t want to begin a relationship with Savannah based on lies. “We used to be. I’m the oldest, and until two years ago, we were all very close.” He smiled at the thought. “There are eleven years between me and Siena and Dex, the youngest. They’re twenty-six, twins. Siena’s a model. She’s a firecracker. You’d like her. Dex is a gamer. Well, he calls himself a gamer, but really he’s a game developer.”
“That’s cool, but isn’t it funny that there’s even a career like gamer? I can’t even imagine what that would be like.” Savannah laughed.
Savannah laughed without any worry over what he might think, or if he thought what she said was funny. Her confidence and ease were two of the things he most admired about her, but the sound of her laughter, the uninhibited joy as it left her lips, that’s what brought a smile to his face.
Before escaping to the mountains, Jack used to say the same thing to Dex about his career, and Dex used to tease him about being old. Man, I miss him.
“Not that there’s anything wrong with it,” Savannah added. “It’s just so different from anything I grew up with. We rarely even watched television on my dad’s ranch.” She sighed. “So, eleven years between you and them? Second marriage for your parents?”
Jack loved how easily she reeled off her thoughts, like they’d known each other forever. “Accident,” he said with a smile. “Or maybe on purpose. Who knows with them? Sage is twenty-eight. I’m sure you know of him.”
“Sage Remington is your brother? As in the artist?”
Jack nodded. “The one and only. I can hardly believe how quickly he climbed that ladder to fame. His sculptures are in museums all over the world. He’s a great guy, too.”
Savannah’s eyes washed over his face. “I guess I should have seen a resemblance, but I never put two and two together.”
“He got my mother’s artistic talent. She’s been sculpting and painting since before I was born. She put her family first, though, and that probably hindered how far she could go. It’s hard to pour your heart and soul into art when you’re already pouring it into six children and a husband. She never seemed to resent us for it, though. My mom is like a shining light. She’s the happiest woman I know.”
There were so many things Jack had missed in his family’s lives over the past two years that, as he said their names, he was hit with the same pang of longing that he’d felt recently when he was back in New York.
“Then there’s Rush and Kurt. Rush’s thirty-two. He’s a competitive skier, and Kurt is thirty, a writer.” Rush was six two, with massive legs and powerful arms. As a competitive skier, there was not an inch of him that wasn’t solid, and despite the five-year age difference, they’d always been close—until Jack left Bedford Corners for the mountains. He looked at Savannah and brushed a strand of hair from her chin. “I really miss them. How about you? Youngest, oldest?”
“I’m in the middle. Treat, Dane, and Rex are older than me and Josh and Hugh are younger.”
“Why does Hugh Braden sound familiar?” Jack tried to remember where he’d heard that name.
“He should. He’s one of the top race car drivers in the United States, handsome as Patrick Dempsey and cocky as can be.” She laughed. “I shouldn’t say that. Hugh’s the youngest. He can be a little self-centered, but he’s changed a lot over the last few months. There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for one another.”
“That’s nice. That’s how we always were.” As he had on the way to the airport, Jack thought about trying to find his way back to the life he left behind and the family he loved. Savannah struck so many chords in his heart that, as he looked at her, he swore he felt his heart softening. At the same time, his nerves tightened. She made him want to jump the hurdles he’d believed were too big to even try, which scared the heck out of him.
“You’re not like that anymore?” she asked.
“They are, I guess, but…” He took her hand. “You know what? I can’t sit and talk. I’m sorry. I thought I could, but this is making me a little anxious. Can we walk a little?”
They walked down the hill toward the stream. The sky was clear, and the moonlight filtered through the umbrella of trees, illuminating their path. Jack’s chest constricted, thinking about the things he wanted to tell Savannah. Before they got any further involved, she needed to know who he was—and the secrets he’d been hiding. He’d have to figure out a way to ease them in.
“Tell me about your parents,” Jack said.
Her eyes lit up again. “My dad is the best. He’s a thoroughbred horse breeder, and he still lives on the ranch where I grew up in Weston, Colorado. He’s this big, burly cowboy. Gosh, I love him so much.”
She turned away with a dreamy look in her eye, and it made Jack think about his father and how proud of him he’d always been. His father fought for his country; he took care of his family. To Jack, he was everything, until their relationship had fallen apart, and now he wondered if he’d ever feel that way again.
“Rex helps him run the ranch,” Savannah explained. “Treat, my oldest brother, owns resorts all over the world, but when he and Max, his wife, first got engaged, he moved back home to help on the ranch and to be closer to Max. Now he basically runs his business from there.”
Jack wanted to know everything about her, and when she spoke of her family, her whole face lit up. He didn’t want to take away that spark, but he wanted to know more about her family and about the loss of her mother.
“You mentioned that you lost your mom. Would you like to share that with me, or is it too painful?” They walked along the bank of the stream, and Savannah was quiet for a beat too long. Jack realized he’d touched on a sensitive subject.
“She died when I was little.”
She glanced at him, and he could tell she was trying to smile, but the tug never curled her lips up. He took her hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a warm kiss to the back of her fingers.
“I’m sorry, Savannah. You must miss her terribly. If it’s too difficult to talk about, we don’t have to.”
“It’s okay. I miss her, but I had just turned four. I didn’t really know her, and I don’t remember her. I only really remember what Treat and my dad have told me over the years.” She took a deep breath. “So, that’s my story. Why aren’t you close to your family anymore?”
Jack had been trying to figure out how to tell her about the fallout after Linda’s death, but no matter how he turned it in his mind, he always came back to the same conclusion. Savannah would learn that Linda’s death was his fault no matter how he told the story. Nothing after that mattered. Once she knew that, he was sure she’d walk away and never look back.
“After Linda’s accident, I was pretty messed up. We’d just set up a nursery and were going to try to have a baby.” He tightene
d his grip on her hand just so he could feel something other than the guilt that was creeping up the back of his neck and clawing at his throat. “But we never had a chance. She died the weekend before we were going to start trying.”
“Oh, Jack. I’m so sorry. That must have been devastating.”
“I have always wanted a family, so it was really hard. My family was all over me, trying to take care of me, get me to talk to therapists, you know. They were trying to help me through it.”
“That’s good, right? They love you.”
“It should have been, yes. But I wouldn’t let them. I couldn’t let them. Savannah, I’m not sure how to explain any of this. It was like someone took my soul and shredded it to pieces, then threw it into the wind, and I was left grasping for the pieces and trying to pull myself back together.” The night of the accident came rushing back. The blinding storm that had doubled in power over the thirty minutes she’d been gone, the flashing lights of the ambulance and fire trucks. The smell of burning oil and rubber and the flames. Oh man, the flames. Jack let out a loud breath, trying to keep the memory from lodging itself into the forefront of his mind again. He finally felt like his head was on straight, and it had felt good not to live under that cloud of guilt, even if for only a day. He wanted that feeling more than anything else in his life—including Linda—and with that thought came the strangulation of guilt. Will this ever end?
“Jack?” Savannah touched his shoulders. “Jack, you’re shaking.”
He tried to push past the guilt, but it was too late. His body ached from it.
“You must really miss her.”
Savannah’s voice held so much compassion that he was drawn to it despite the guilt. There was something about Savannah that sliced through the guilt and pulled him through to the light on the other side. If only I could hold on to that light instead of slipping back into the darkness.
“I do.” But it’s the guilt that eats away at me. As much as he wanted to tell her that Linda died because of him, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t ever want to see the disappointment in her eyes.
“Well, I’m sure your family understands that. Have you tried to talk to them?” she asked.
He shook his head. “I realized today that I hadn’t. They tried, but I couldn’t hear their offers of help. I was too angry. Too guilty.” Jack released her hand and crossed his arms, rubbing the scar on his arm again. “Savannah, I told you before that I’m not the right guy for you, and the more I think about it, I’m not sure I’m the right guy for anyone.”
“Why do you keep saying that? Lots of people lose loved ones and go on to have other relationships.”
He heard the hurt in her voice, and the knot in his gut tightened. He didn’t want to hurt her, and seeing the pain in her trusting eyes was killing him.
“I’m not like them. I’ve got too much crap in my head, and every time I look at you, I want something more. I want to have a normal life again. I want to be able to walk down the street without feeling like I wish I could hide, but…” He couldn’t bear for her to know the truth, and when anger forced different words from his mouth to hide the truth, he was incapable of stopping them. “Look, I’m not like you. I don’t even live in my house. I hide in the mountains most of the time. The idea of being in the city with all those eyes on me makes my skin crawl.”
“So…what are you saying?” Savannah took a step backward, as if his words burned.
The words he’d said settled in his mind, and he realized that they hadn’t been hiding the truth at all. They were the truth. He had to deal with his own issues before he could fall any harder for Savannah—or let her fall any harder for him. “This can’t work, okay? It sounds like you have a really close family. You’re a high-powered attorney, and I’m an ex–Special Forces guy turned recluse. I’m not sure I’ll ever get past all the crap in my head to be able to move on. No matter how much I want to.”
Savannah narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. Jack pictured her doing that in a courtroom.
“How do you flip your emotions like that? Are you totally psycho, or is this a ploy?” She stepped closer, so they were only inches apart.
Jack looked away.
“Look at me, Jack. You owe me that.”
He looked down at her with his jaw clenched so tight he thought his teeth might crack. He wanted to kiss her and wipe away the hurtful words he’d said and forget the truth he’d only just realized. I hide in the mountains. I’m not sure I’ll ever get past all the crap in my head to be able to move on. No matter how much I want to.
“I might not know much about what you’re going through, but I know honesty, Jack. I deal with it every day with my clients and the people who sue them. I can smell bull a mile away. This doesn’t reek of bull, but I don’t think it’s the whole story, either.”
“I’m not one of your clients, Savannah.”
“No, you’re not, but you’re the man I just had sex with. Twice. The man I let touch me in ways I’ve never allowed before, and that’s a heck of a lot more than a client.” Her chest rose and fell with each angry breath.
“Is that all it was? A quick roll in the hay?” He clenched his fists, wishing he knew how to deal with all of this. “I didn’t force you to do anything.” He groaned. “Savannah, can’t you see how conflicted I am? Can’t you feel it?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “That’s the reason I’m not walking away. I’m conflicted, too, Jack. I’m not sure if you’re crazy, or if you’re the person I think—or hope—I see beneath all the anger.”
He felt his nostrils flare and his face heat with anger at being so frustratingly confused. Why couldn’t she just listen to him and heed his warnings? She was so good. He didn’t deserve her.
“Do you want to know why I came here?” she asked.
He nodded once, a curt, angry nod.
“Because for the past two years, I’ve been dating this jerk who cheated on me. Many times over.” She laughed, but Jack recognized the pain in her eyes. “I didn’t even like him, Jack, but for some reason, I kept going back for more. I might be an ice queen in the legal realm, but with him? With him I was this weak, stupid girl.” She swiped angrily at a tear as it dripped down her cheek and reached the corner of her mouth. “Then…then I come here trying to rebuild my confidence and prove to myself that I really can be strong Savannah once again and that I won’t fall back into the enabler role like I was with him.”
“Savannah.” Jack reached for her, and she swatted his arm away.
“Then I meet you, and you’re this guy with a massive chip on his shoulder, but I’m drawn to you like a magnet. And now I find out that I’ve done it again. I’ve latched on to some worthless, angry, insecure mountain man.”
Jack reached for her again as she turned away. “I’m not worthless or insecure.”
She wrenched her arm away. “Fine. Sorry. But this isn’t about you. This is about me. I fell right back into being the enabler in some crazy relationship that can never work. I’m so done with this.” Her lower lip trembled, and tears tumbled down her cheeks.
Jack reached up and brushed the tears away with the pad of his thumb, and just feeling her soft skin reminded him that she didn’t deserve the anger he was pummeling her with.
“Don’t you see?” he said through gritted teeth. Then he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. When he spoke again, he’d reined in his anger. “Before all this crap happened to me, I was normal. I wasn’t an angry jerk. I wasn’t a freaking mountain man. I was a loving husband and a hardworking man.”
“Too bad you can’t live in the past, Jack.”
Her icy stare nearly bowled him over. “Savannah, I want this. Us. I want to see what’s there. I just don’t know how to get from here to there.”
Savannah threw her shoulders back, as she had the first day he’d met her, when she’d stood up for Pratt right after they’d landed. “I want this, too. But I can’t be that woman anymore. I can’t fix you, and I can’t be
your battering block while you figure it out.” She turned and began walking back toward the camp.
“Savannah,” he called after her. Five long, fast strides later, he was beside her and walking fast to keep up with her determined pace. “Savannah, tomorrow’s our last day here. Please don’t leave things like this. I’m sorry. I tried to warn you and I tried to stay away from you, but I couldn’t, and I don’t know why. Savannah, I’m so sorry for that. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
She turned to face him with tears streaming down her cheeks. “Too late.”
Chapter Fourteen
MONDAY MORNING, SAVANNAH lay in her tent with puffy eyes, nursing her broken heart. She’d cried for most of the night and had beaten herself up over how much she already cared for Jack. What she felt couldn’t be real—it had to be an emotional reaction from the combination of being hurt by Connor and then allowing herself to fall for Jack. No one felt that strongly about another person after just a few days. Maybe she needed to talk to Danica, her cousin Blake’s wife. Danica had been a therapist prior to falling in love with Blake, who had been a new client at the time. Maybe she could help Savannah weed through whatever was making her fall for the wrong guys.
Savannah couldn’t even look at Jack as they disassembled their tents and inspected the campsite to ensure that they’d left nothing behind. She was too pissed at herself. She had seen the warning signs, had even contemplated them, and she still let herself get caught up with him.
“Is everyone about ready?” Jack called across the site.
Hearing Jack’s voice sound deflated, as if he were having a hard time making it through the morning too, tugged at her heart.
He continued. “As soon as Pratt and Lou are back, we’ll roll out of here.” Lou and Pratt had gone down by the stream to rinse out the pots from breakfast.