I threw myself onto the bed. I felt absolutely wretched. Actually, I felt worse than that. I felt as if I’d been poisoned. The room spun and I heaved over the edge of the mattress.
When I woke late the next morning, I was covered in sweat. My head spun as I stood, but I steadied myself and moved to the basin to splash my face. As I looked in the mirror at my pallid complexion, my features twisted in horror.
Understanding came suddenly and would not be denied. I scoffed at myself humorlessly as my words taunted me—just harmless fun… what could it hurt? For half a second, I wanted to scream. And then my hands found their way to my stomach and rested there.
I drew in a sharp intake of breath. I hadn’t noticed I had gotten so deeply involved in the story. I needed to rest, to finish my recovery and break the bonds. But I couldn’t seem to step away.
I was unnaturally calm when they finally came for me. I knew they would recognize the signs. But it didn’t matter now. I walked forward, resigned to my fate.
What I didn’t expect was their response. The throne room was full. And not one of them did not gasp when comprehension hit. But my father, and each of those present, seemed… pleased when they saw me. They had no idea there was a… human… growing in the belly my hands now cradled. I listened as their voices began, and then rose, clamorously discussing the news and what it could bring. I cringed as their words turned to the possibilities, the power I might pass down, the strength the new one might bring.
“We will leave at daybreak,” Grey informed Ruby as I read. Perfect. The news brought on nothing but worry, so I went back to the book.
Eventually, my father did seek to find out who the father was. I refused to tell him anything and he could not force me in my condition. I could see his plans for it already forming. I was almost happy it would not be powerful, half human and unmagical. I wondered if it could even be brought to term, I was ill so often now. The elders discussed it constantly—it was so unusual to be sick, but it must have been a result of the pregnancy. Several of them were assigned to watch me and I had to listen to their incessant chatter. They seemed thrilled not to know how or when I had gotten this way, carrying on about young elves and their quests.
Ruby’s hand was on my shoulder, shaking me awake. I hadn’t realized I’d fallen asleep. I jerked up, hoping she hadn’t seen the journal. It wasn’t lying there. I grabbed my pack, pretending to get ready, and sighed when I felt it tucked inside. I didn’t remember doing it, but I was grateful I had. I was really getting into the story.
I yawned and stretched, and then followed her out of the room. I was surprised at the size of the fort. We went down several corridors and passed a few doors before finally coming to a large, open arena where the others waited for us. Chevelle smiled at me as I passed him on the way to my horse. I started to command the horse to kneel, but then Steed grabbed me at the waist and threw me up. I took one deep breath before we kicked the horses into a gallop and ran from the fort in a pack.
Our pace finally slowed as the way became too treacherous. Massive rock formations loomed over us, loose stones underfoot causing the horses to stumble. The haze was so thick I couldn’t see anything but the riders in front of me. I only knew from the strain on my legs we were heading up, climbing higher into the gray sky and biting wind.
Chevelle rode beside me through the day. When we stopped for the evening, he pulled me down from my horse and stayed near as we sat on large stones around a fire. Ruby was telling stories again and everyone gave her their full attention… everyone but us.
“How do you feel?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Fine, I guess.” He seemed unusually concerned. He was also sitting unusually close.
He spoke in a low voice, though the others didn’t appear to be listening. I had to strain to hear. “I’ve been thinking about the bindings.” I turned to face him, his deep blue eyes on mine as he continued, “I was thinking there might be another way.”
He was hesitant for some reason. “How?” I demanded, keeping the volume as low as I could, palms pressed to the smooth rock beneath us. What is he waiting on?
“If… well, it seems you may have more control over your thoughts than you realize?” He phrased it as a question. Because of my secret. Was he trying to be respectful of it, or trying to keep me from getting upset?
I wasn’t sure how to answer. But if it helped, if there was a way to unbind me, free my mind and get back the magic…
I settled on a, “Mm-hm?”
He nearly smiled. “Well, if you were able to… move about…” It seemed to make him uncomfortable, searching for words. “Then perhaps you could find a way around it.”
I bit my lip and he reached up to gently pull it loose. His hand lingered, thumb tracing my bottom lip. I was definitely not imagining that. Warmth flooded my neck, my cheeks, and his gaze followed the flush.
His hand dropped to my shoulder.
“Please, Freya, try.”
All I could do was nod.
And then he stood and walked away. I sat unmoving for a moment, and then finally glanced at the group. They were deeply involved in their conversations, seemingly unaware of the encounter that had my heart in my throat. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, attempting to “move about” in my mind.
It was completely frustrating. Fuzzy, wrong. Nothing worked. None of it connected the way it should have. It made me angry and tired and the maddening fight against it gained me nothing but a buzzing headache.
I sighed and threw myself on my blankets away from the group. It was still daylight and I tossed and turned, unable to rest. I decided to go back to my favorite distraction.
The time came sooner than any of us expected. Looking back, I suppose it was fortunate. I can’t imagine what might have happened if a full birth ceremony had been prepared, if so many had been present. It makes me cringe to merely think of it.
The elders were there, though. My father and the others waited in the throne room, arranging a celebration. I had read everything I could obtain on the process during my pregnancy and imprisonment in the castle, even finding a few books and scrolls on humans. But nothing prepared me for what happened.
I had been walking when the pain struck—pacing my room with worry, if I were truthful. It hit suddenly, a stabbing, ripping, horrible thing. My screams called everyone to order, but then it subsided. However, it was only long enough to catch my breath and then it was back tenfold. I writhed in agony. Nothing they did would help. I could not control my magic; it shattered most of the things on the nearby table and twice caught the bedding afire. The elders were frantic, which only frightened me more. I had never seen them agitated.
This carried on for hours. My hair and clothing were drenched in sweat and I was near surrender. And then, with no more warning than when the first pains came, it was over. A small, sweet child was in my arms.
I drew in ragged breaths as I cleaned her face. I wiped her eyes and they came open, an unbelievable shade of dark green, sparkling like emeralds. She was a beauty. I wasn’t aware the room had grown silent until I wiped her ears and heard my own gasp. They were slightly rounded at the tips… almost blunt.
I realized I had stopped breathing as I read, so engrossed in the story. I reached up absentmindedly to stroke the tops of my ears.
I looked up then, at the elders who surrounded me. Their faces were astonished. “She is… human,” they said.
I took a steadying breath and spat out, “No.” They stared at me, incredulous. I spoke deliberately. “She is elf. I name her… Elfreda.”
My heart had stopped. And then it surged as blood rushed to my face, my neck. My ears rang. I must have been speaking or cursing. I could hear the sound, but could not make sense of it. Nothing made sense.
I was standing before I knew I was surrounded. Fury and fire swam in my head, my chest, my hands.
I heard them through the buzz. “Frey, what’s wrong? What is it? Frey… Frey.” And then, clearer, “Elfreda!”
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My jaw tightened, my teeth ground together.
Comprehension crossed Chevelle’s face as he saw the book on the ground between us. He reached for it.
“Touch that book and you die,” I hissed.
He froze, staring me straight in the eyes. I was fighting for control, struggling to find my thoughts.
Then I saw it. He flicked a glance at Ruby and I knew. They knew. And it was all true.
Suddenly, I couldn’t catch my breath.
“Please, Freya, stay calm,” Ruby pleaded. They were circling me, their arms outstretched as if to catch me… or cage me.
Black spots floated in my vision. My head screamed. The sound of metal bands snapping echoed through a scraping, screeching noise inside my head. I pressed my palms against my temples. I didn’t know I was going down until my knees hit the hard rock. I held myself there, refusing to give in.
They argued frantically. “Knock her out. Do something. She’s going to crack.”
Yes, crack. That was a good word for it. I felt as if I were breaking in half. No, being torn.
I sensed someone close to me, Ruby no doubt. She would drug me. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want that ever again. I slid from the pain, reaching out. I found nothing but the horses, but I would take it. I left my body completely.
My entry was so furious it startled the horse. I held him there, but when he raised his head from grazing, he was facing them. They were standing, kneeling, surrounding my limp body. I watched them, the horror on their faces, for an immeasurable moment. It was too much. It was all too much.
A raw, unbearable ache crushed my chest and I gave in to it, accepted it. There was nothing else I could do. I sighed, melting back into my own mind. It was quiet there and I wondered if I had cracked. But then it occurred to me that maybe I had been the cause of it. I was resigned now, the fury gone, and so was the screeching, the pain. They had said the binding was dangerous…
There was a collective gasp as they realized I was back. I heard someone beside me and a flash of anger swept through me, lighting a flame at whoever it was. So maybe the fury wasn’t completely gone.
I suddenly remembered the pages I had burnt in the briar patch so long ago. Burnt before I’d read them. My eyes flashed open. I sat up, ignoring my spinning head, but the book was already gone. I glared at Chevelle. It must have been dreadful, because he nodded and backed away, his mouth tight.
“Oh, Frey.” Ruby’s voice was low and soothing.
I grimaced as I turned to her, not at all wanting what I was about to say. “Go ahead.” I closed my eyes as her jaw shifted.
Lessons
The dreams I had then were the most dreadful I’d ever had. I jolted awake and shuddered for several minutes at the images I could not beat down.
Ruby was there, waiting for me.
“Where are the others?” I asked, voice hoarse.
“They’ve set up a perimeter.”
It was all I had to say for the moment. I felt empty, alone. It was dark; even with the dust I’d not slept through the night. I sat up, curling my legs against my chest, and wrapped my arms around them, pulling tightly in.
Though I didn’t speak, I occasionally glanced, or glared, at Ruby. She sat, immobile, watching me.
It was morning before she broke. “You have your fire back.”
It hadn’t occurred to me. I held my hand out and flicked a flame above my palm, then promptly extinguished it. I tried moving a stone from the ground to no avail. Just fire. I sighed. But Ruby looked hopeful.
The group approached warily, keeping their eyes on me. Chevelle hung farther back, avoiding my gaze as he hovered near the edge of the mist. Steed led my horse to me. I didn’t think I blamed him—he seemed to be involved by chance—but I hadn’t fully decided yet.
As we rode wordlessly through the cold stone landscape, my thoughts twisted and writhed as if a pit of vipers. In the end, I’d decided I wasn’t really that shocked about being half-human. It explained so much about myself. Clumsiness, lack of skill, never quite fitting in. What took me by surprise was the betrayal I felt. All the years I’d lived in the village, I’d never counted on anyone the way I had done with this group, Chevelle especially. The feeling in my chest was so thick and heavy it burned.
Struggling with my reactions kept me distracted from the ride. It was steep now, rocky, a haze hanging in the few spiky trees. When we stopped for the evening, the men quietly set up a perimeter. Except for Chevelle. He was watching me as I glared back at him. Why had I expected more from him? He was my watcher. He’d volunteered to help council bind me. But it didn’t stop the hostile stare I was sending his way.
Ruby stepped in front of him. “I’ll stay with her.”
He didn’t reply; he merely turned from her to walk into the haze.
I was still fuming when she faced me, wearing a self-satisfied smile. She practically danced forward to plop down in front of me. “I have something for you, Frey.”
I simply stared at her. She was harder to stay mad at. I expected her to be a pain—it wasn’t as difficult to accept she’d kept the truth from me.
She extracted a small package from beneath her cloak and passed it to me. I pulled the material aside and saw the V etched into the cover. I wondered what Chevelle would do if he knew she’d given it to me.
She answered my curious gaze. “It’s yours, and I think you should be able to read it.”
I could do nothing but nod. It didn’t matter. Her expression made it clear she considered herself forgiven. She turned, facing the direction Chevelle had gone, and left me to my discoveries.
I expected fury from my father. He never failed to disappoint me. He saw the child, as he called her, as an opportunity. I shouldn’t have been surprised. After all, had he not stolen my mother for precisely the same purpose, experimenting with power? He did, however, concern himself with where I’d found a human.
I refused to tell. It was the only gift I could give Noble, his safety. I laughed as I remembered that was how I’d convinced him to stay, promising him protection. A false promise.
Eventually, one of the servants slipped, revealing they had seen me following my sister. And just like that, she was to blame for the entire ordeal, even though she’d never known. She’d been still searching the empty camp. At least I was off the hook.
I surprised myself by being so slow. Of course, her sister would have been Aunt Fannie. For a flash, I felt sympathy for Fannie… but it passed. Just because life had given her sour grapes didn’t mean she had to stomp them into wine and get drunk.
Had Fannie known all along? I couldn’t answer that. But she had been bound, as I was.
The elders were a different story altogether. My father had given them orders to protect me and the child, and even though they followed through with them, they persisted in chattering about their concerns. The humans frightened them unreasonably. They constantly fretted, wanting to keep her, and me, from contaminating anyone else.
I attempted to reason with them, but they turned on me. “You don’t understand, you never will! They will consume you. The humans will consume us all.” Their hands shook as they spat out the words.
I didn’t argue after that. I wouldn’t have been allowed to leave the castle anyway. Besides, it kept her from being paraded in front of so many visitors.
I stopped again. I had been born in a castle. I sat with the journal for a long moment. There was no way to reconcile this information with my own thoughts, no way to fill in what the bonds had taken. It hurt to read this, but there was no not finishing it. I decided the only way to keep going was if I did it as I had before I’d known it was my mother, as if I were an uninvolved reader.
My Freya has grown into a stubborn and willful child. She’s prone to fits of screaming or crying. The emotion frightens the elders. It comes from her father, yes, but I can’t see how it will harm her. The humans seemed to live their lives fine, controlling it well enough.
I received a visi
t from my mother’s sister today. News of the child had reached her and she felt she needed to call on me, now that my mother was not here to guide me.
I was in my room when she arrived. I heard the two quick raps and then one loud knock from her visits during my childhood and instantly knew it was her.
“Aunt Junnie!” I gushed as she came in. She wore a simple hooded cloak, seemingly unafraid as she passed the guards at my door. She walked as though she ruled the castle, not as if she were a light elf in the center of a dark lord’s rule.
She confessed to me a secret her family held, a power I had not known from my mother. They had kept it from my father, though he had stolen her after hearing a rumor of it. She passed to me many details of her sister, of the family… my family. She’d risked so much by coming here, to help me, to help my child. I would owe her.
I had to stop reading as betrayal ripped through me again. Junnie.
Ruby laid her hands on mine, which were trembling now, but I would not take the dust again.
Tears streamed silently as I drifted, the ache in my chest only dulled by exhaustion. I felt weak when I woke, but I was silent about the pain as we continued the journey. Yearning to avoid my thoughts altogether, I spent much of the day in the mind of my horse.
And the day passed.
It was evening again when we stopped. I barely noticed the group’s mood; though quiet, they seemed anxious and kept the perimeter close. Ruby brought me the book again and I took one long, deep breath before I started back.
[2018] Reign of Queens Page 50