A Hole in My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  Francesca returned the look with pity in her eyes. The pain in my heart was reflected back at me through her gaze. It was obvious she knew everything just from the look.

  “Go back to bed.” She didn’t respond to commands very often, but I knew she would obey this one.

  She turned around without arguing and walked away.

  I turned back to my mom, feeling the weight of stress fall on my shoulders. Francesca knew my darkest secret. And now she knew I was a monster.

  “I didn’t realize you had company…” Mom’s voice came out as a whisper.

  I never talked about my personal life to my mom. We hardly talked about anything other than my piece of shit father. “She’s just a friend…”

  “She’s beautiful.”

  “I know.” I stepped away and headed to the couch. “You’ll have to take the sofa tonight.”

  “That’s fine…”

  “And I’m sure Dad will pick you up in the morning.” I didn’t bother keeping the bitterness out of my voice. “Let me grab a blanket.” When I walked by, she grabbed my arm.

  “Hawke.”

  I looked at her even though I didn’t want to.

  “Thank you…for protecting me.”

  Nothing I did or said would change the situation. We were doomed to repeat it until he died or she finally found the strength to leave. “I’ll always protect you.”

  ***

  When I finally went back to bed, I hoped Francesca had fallen asleep. I didn’t feel like being interrogated about everything she saw and heard. Now I wish she hadn’t stayed with me all week. It was bad timing.

  If there were somewhere else to sleep, I wouldn’t have returned to bed. But I had nowhere to go unless I wanted to sleep in my truck in the cold. After I pulled the sheets up my body, Francesca stirred beside me.

  She stared at me.

  I kept my eyes on the ceiling.

  Francesca’s hand snaked across the bed until her fingers found mine. Then she interlocked them.

  My hand was unresponsive but I didn’t pull away either.

  Once she knew I would let her touch me, she slid across the bed until she was snuggled into my side. Then she wrapped her arm around my waist and rested her face on my chest.

  I waited for the intrusive questions.

  But they never came.

  Patience

  Francesca

  The pieces started to fall together.

  When I heard Hawke yelling from the other side of the apartment, I should have stayed put. But I was too interested to stay in the bedroom and remain hidden. I had to know what he was screaming about.

  I had to know if he was okay.

  Hawke didn’t need to explain anything. Seeing his mother grip her arm while tears still lingered in her eyes drew a picture for me. And everything Hawke screamed while he destroyed his own home told me it’d been going on for a long time.

  I always knew something was off when it came to Hawke. He had a distinct darkness he couldn’t get out of. It lingered behind his eyes, growing with every passing day. It reminded me of my own hardships years ago.

  We were the opposite sides of the same coin.

  But I knew Hawke well. Just from his stiff body language and intimidating aura, he didn’t want to talk about what I witnessed. He didn’t want to be questioned about something he’d been hiding his whole life. He didn’t want to have a conversation, even if it was gentle and understanding.

  So I didn’t ask anything.

  Hawke would talk to me when he was ready, not before. When it came to expressing his emotions, he had to do it his own way. He was like a steel door that couldn’t be broken down. The only way to get inside was if it was unlocked.

  I knew Hawke would open up to me. I just didn’t know when.

  ***

  “How was Hawke Motel?” Marie asked at work. She turned on the blender to make a frappuccino so we both fell silent until it was done screeching. After she pulled the container out and finished the drink, we continued the conversation.

  “Good. Surprisingly clean.”

  “Really?” A mischievous smirk stretched across her face. “I figured it would be dirty—real dirty.”

  I threw a coffee bean at her. “Knock it off.”

  “Come on. Did you at least see anything?”

  “Like what?” His underwear drawer?

  “Getting a peek of him in the shower.”

  He dropped his towel on me, but I was stupid and didn’t look. “No.”

  “Did he get a peek of you?”

  “Hawke wouldn’t spy on me.”

  “So, it was the most boring visit on the planet?” She poured the drink into the plastic cup then handed it over to the customer. “Have a nice day.” She turned back to me when we were alone. “Because that sounds like a snooze fest.”

  “What were you expecting? We’re just friends.”

  “Shut up. You are so not just friends.”

  “We are.” For the most part.

  “I can’t believe you didn’t hook up. With a gorgeous man like that, at least have a friends-with-benefits relationship.”

  “Not my style.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Life is too short not to have an orgasm every day.”

  “Who said I didn’t have one every day?”

  Another grin stretched on her lips. “You dirty bird.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You’ve seen my vibrator.”

  “I bet you think about Hawke.”

  I tried not to blush and give it away. “Maybe…maybe not.”

  “Whatever.” She swatted my arm playfully. “I’d think about him.”

  I’m sure a lot of girls did. “How’d it go with Anthony?”

  “Fine,” she said in a bored voice. “I paid for my rent by sleeping with him. When I left, I ended it.”

  I tried not to laugh. “That’s pretty messed up, Marie.”

  “You think he cared?” she asked with a laugh. “He got laid all week. Believe me, he’s fine.” Marie looked toward the door when the bell rang. “Your vibrator just walked inside.” She shot me a wink before she walked into the back.

  I turned to see Hawke at the counter, dressed in his work clothes. It was the first time we’d seen each other since I returned to my house. We still hadn’t talked about that painful night with his mother. I could still see the broken table and chair behind my eyes. “Hi.”

  “Hey.” He stared at me with that hard gaze, not blinking.

  I sauntered to the counter then tucked my hair behind my ear. “Regular?”

  “Espresso.”

  “Coming right up.” I made it then placed it in front of him. “$2.15.”

  He passed me the cash without taking his eyes off me.

  I returned the change.

  The interaction was more tense than usual. I knew he was waiting for me to ask about that evening. But I refused to do it. Why question someone about something they didn’t want to talk about? If I were patient enough, he would come to me. “How’s your day?”

  “Pretty boring.” He glanced over his shoulder to make sure no one else was in line. “Axel made a necklace out of paperclips and tried to get me to wear it. That was the highlight of my day.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Axel is a child in a man’s body.”

  “Couldn’t have said it better myself.” He tried to hide the sadness in his eyes but I could still see it. I wanted to hug him but the counter separated us. “How was your day?”

  “Good. I turned in my history paper—finally.”

  “That thing was longer than the bible.”

  I released an irritated sigh. “You’re telling me. Thank you, Wikipedia.”

  He chuckled. “Imagine what it was like to go to college without the Internet.”

  I kept a straight face. “I wouldn’t have gone.”

  The gloom started to fade away. “I’d definitely reconsider it.”

  The bell overhead rang again and someone walked inside. “Well, I should
get back to work.”

  He continued to stare at me like he had something to say.

  I patiently waited for him to spit it out.

  Hawke seemed to change his mind because he walked away without saying another word.

  ***

  A week later, at 11:30 in the evening, my phone vibrated with a text message.

  You awake?

  I knew this moment would come. I’d been waiting for it to happen. Every time I was alone with Hawke, he had a look in his eyes that told me he wanted to talk about that night but didn’t know where to start. Then he quickly abandoned the attempt and talked about a different subject that was completely irrelevant.

  But now he was ready to talk.

  Are you outside?

  Yes.

  Be there in a second.

  I pulled on my pajama shorts and put on a bra under my tank top. I didn’t bother fixing my hair or throwing make up on my face. He’d seen me like this many times.

  The second I opened the door, the chilly air moved inside. It burned my warm skin the second it touched me.

  Hawke stood outside wearing a hoodie and jeans. His breath escaped his nose as he breathed slowly. His blue eyes were glued to me like they needed to look at me in order to go on.

  I opened the door wider and allowed him inside.

  Wordlessly, he locked the door then followed me back into my bedroom. Marie’s door was closed, and I knew she wouldn’t even know Hawke was there because he usually left early in the morning before her alarm went off.

  I got back into bed and pulled the sheets to my shoulder so I could be warm again.

  Hawke removed all his clothes except his boxers, looking like a chiseled statue, and then moved under the sheets beside me. He pressed his chest into my back and hooked his arm around my waist. His face was pressed to the back of my neck, and every time he breathed, I felt the air brush against my skin.

  My hand moved on top of his and our fingers touched.

  Silence ensued.

  The quietness of the house was disrupted by the typical noises it made. Sometimes the heater would make a popping noise when it kicked on. The washer in the laundry room would decompress, making a sudden squeak. I concentrated on the sounds because I couldn’t sleep.

  Hawke’s chest expanded deeply against my back, irregular in comparison to his normal breathing. “My dad is a drunk. He’s been that way since I was born.”

  I stayed absolutely still.

  “I used to be his primary target. He would come after me with a bat, and sometimes he would lock me in a closet over the weekend. I was the weakest member of the family, so I was easy to overpower. My mom did everything she could to protect me, putting herself in front of me to take the worst of it. But there was only so much she could do.”

  My eyes watered slightly at his words but I forced my breathing to remain the same. I didn’t want him to know how hurt I was. If I made any sudden movements, he might stop talking.

  “When I became a man, I was no longer the weakest one. Then he became afraid of me, as he should be. He stopped allowing me to come to the house, even on the holidays. I don’t want to be there anyway, but I don’t like leaving my mother alone. And now that I’m not around to take his torments…she has to.”

  My thumb moved along his knuckles.

  “I’ve tried getting her out of there, but she won’t leave. I’ve offered to take care of her and even let her live with me. She knows I’ll protect her…but she still doesn’t budge. He comes over and apologizes for what he’s done. And every time, she believes he’ll really change.” He took another deep breath. “She calls me to come get her when things get really bad. But sometimes…I think she’ll be dead by the time I get through the door.”

  I closed my eyes and felt the droplets pool into a ball before they slid down my face. I forced myself not to cry. That would only make Hawke feel worse. His words echoed in my mind long after he said them, and every time they replayed, they sounded worse. “My mother died from ovarian cancer. Two weeks later, my dad shot himself.” He opened up to me, and I thought the best thing I could do was reciprocate.

  His arm flinched slightly as it hugged my waist and his breathing changed. After a moment of silence, he turned me around and forced me to face him. I did my best to hide the pain on my face, but seeing his reaction told me he already saw it. Chest-to-chest, we stared at each other. Hawke looked at me in a new way, like it was the first time he really saw me. I felt like a new person, someone who penetrated another layer of his armor. His hand moved up my back as he pressed his face close to mine. “I didn’t tell you that just because you saw what happened. I wanted to tell you.”

  “I know…”

  “And I know you wanted to tell me.”

  Change

  Hawke

  Axel was on his third beer. He could drink every day if we didn’t have work in the morning. He was almost thirty, but he drank like he was twenty-one. “That new intern Patricia is really cute.”

  Who? “I haven’t met her.”

  “Yes, you have,” he said with a laugh. “She was in our meeting this morning.”

  She was? “Oh yeah…” I was still drawing a blank, but I didn’t care enough to try and picture her face.

  “Christmas is coming up. Do you have plans?”

  I hated Christmas. It only reminded me of how alone I was. “No.”

  “Yaya invited you over. You’re welcome to join us for the break.”

  I was hoping I’d get another invite. Yaya was a sweet woman and made me feel welcome the second I walked in the door. But the person I really wanted to spend the holiday with was Francesca. She was the only person in the world who really knew me. “I’d love to.”

  “Cool,” Axel said. “Now I don’t have to spend every waking moment with my sister.”

  “Frankie is really cool.” I wasn’t used to calling her by her name. I only called her Muffin. Now it was so habitual, I didn’t even think about it.

  “Maybe to you,” he said. “But that little terror used to get insects from the backyard and put them all over my face while I was sleeping.”

  I tried not to laugh too hard. “I’ve never heard of that one before.”

  “A caterpillar got in my mouth one time. I almost broke her arm.”

  My abs hurt from trying not to laugh. “Damn, she got you good.”

  “You think she’s all sweet and innocent, but she’s the devil—I swear.”

  I’d have to give her props next time I saw her. “Hopefully, she doesn’t do the same thing to me.”

  “She won’t. She likes you.” He took a drink while he scanned the bar.

  I remembered what she told me about her parents. It made me look at Axel in a new way. For someone who had lost so much, he had a zest for life. Both Francesca and Axel were very strong people. I suspected they got that from Yaya.

  “Two brunettes at the end of the bar—and they are fucking hot.”

  I took a drink.

  “I say we take them back to a hotel room and share them. We haven’t done that in a long time.”

  My eyes moved to the window, and I watched the cars drive by.

  Axel checked his t-shirt for wrinkles then looked at me. “Want to head over at the same time? Or should we go one at a time so it doesn’t seem like we’re bombarding them?”

  I didn’t want anything to do with this. “I’m not feeling it tonight. You go.”

  Axel was about to take a drink but stopped himself. “What did you say?”

  “Go on without me. You’ll have a good time.”

  “Dude, they’re really hot. You haven’t even looked.”

  “You know you don’t need me. You’ve been with two women before.” I took a drink to cover the irritation on my face.

  “Are you being serious right now?” He stared at me like I was a Martian. “When did you start turning down an easy lay?”

  “I’m just not in the mood tonight. You don’t need me anyway.”

/>   Axel’s eyes narrowed on my face in suspicion. “Okay…what’s going on?”

  “Nothing,” I snapped. “Does there have to be something wrong with me just because I don’t want to fuck two girls tonight?”

  “For you, yeah,” he said bluntly.

  I used to fuck anything that moved. It was the solution to all my pain. I buried myself in someone else because it was a strong enough distraction. It pleased me and brought me some happiness…even if it was only temporary. But I hadn’t done that in a while. In fact…I couldn’t remember the last time I had. “You don’t need me to get laid, Axel.”

  “I’m aware of that. But it’s fun when we swap.”

  “The answer is still no.” How much firmer could I be?

  Axel leaned back in the booth with a defeated look on his face. “Are you seeing someone?”

  Francesca’s face appeared in my mind. She was the only girl I ever thought about, and not in a sexual way. I used to want to fuck her senseless but now…I thought about her in a whole new light. “No.”

  “You have to be. Why else would you act this way?”

  I was cornered with nowhere to go. “I’m talking to someone. It’s nothing serious.”

  “But serious enough to keep your dick in your pants?”

  I drank my beer.

  “Who is she?”

  “You don’t know her.”

  “Do we work with her?”

  “I just said you didn’t know her,” I snapped.

  “Why won’t you tell me?”

  “Because it’s not serious. It’s just…I’m not sure.”

  Axel shook his head slightly. “I just…can’t picture you as the monogamous type. You’re such a dick all the time.”

  I couldn’t picture it either. “We’ll see where it goes. For now, I’m not interested in crashing a hotel room.”

  He chuckled to himself. “Damn, this girl must be hot.”

  Beautiful was a better description.

  “You got a picture?”

  “No.” Axel would come after me with a hatchet if he knew about my feelings toward his sister. And I wouldn’t blame him.

  “Well, film her and let me see.”

  I shot him a glare.