by Chloe Grey
With that, I walked back to my room with tears flowing down my cheeks. I didn’t bother wiping them away because I deserved to feel shitty and miserable. I shouldn’t have accepted the date. I should have told him how I felt about relationships. I could have told him to stop when he kissed me. Instead, I took the cowardly route and kept my mouth shut.
I took advantage of Kevin, just so I would feel good for one night. I deserved everything that was coming my way.
But for Kevin? For Zane? They still had a chance for happiness, and the last thing I wanted was to drag them down to hell with me.
Chapter 17
I woke up to Zane’s snoring. Usually, I never was bothered by it but my brain decided to give me a huge fuck you today.
I was glad he was still asleep because I didn’t want to tell him about last night. I didn’t need to look in the mirror to know my eyes were still red and puffy. Groaning and pushing myself out of bed, I retrieved my phone and let out a sigh when I saw it was still six twenty. I switched off my six forty-five alarm and put on some pants before heading out.
Kevin was in the living room, sitting in my spot and reading his iPad with a cup of coffee in hand. Again, he was already all dressed up. Today he looked even more handsome dressed in a tailored three-piece suit. His dress shirt and suit were both black, and he wore a light blue tie that perfectly matched his eyes. I froze when he looked up at me.
“Morning,” he said. His voice was sexy as usual, but his tone was flat. I couldn’t tell what he was feeling. “Did you sleep well?”
I forced a smile. “Morning. No, I couldn’t really sleep. Bad night.” I shouldn’t have said that, but I did, and if there was a time machine that would allow me to take it back at the expense of creating a time paradox and destroying the whole universe as a result, I would gladly take the deal.
He set his iPad and coffee down, stood up, and made his way to the small kitchen. “Sit. I will make you breakfast.”
“You don’t have to do that,” I said, but either he didn’t hear me or wasn’t listening to me.
Breakfast was an egg on toast with a side of hash browns. It tasted amazing, and I complimented him. He nodded a thanks, but was otherwise silent, focused on his plate and phone.
It was now or never. He deserved an apology and an explanation.
“About last night,” I started. I could see him stiffen.
He didn’t look up. “That was nothing.” His words stabbed my heart. “Let’s just forget anything ever happened, okay?”
I nodded even though he couldn’t see me nodding. “Kevin, it’s not your fault.” He looked up. “You are hot and sexy, and you were amazing last night. But... I am just... relationships don’t work for me. I am incapable of being loved and even if I am, I can’t commit to one because I’m terrified of committing and having my heart broken.”
“I understand,” he said, his tone and handsome face still unreadable. “You have trust issues because your heart had been broken too many times. But trust me when I say you’re capable of love and being loved, Audrey. You just have to learn to trust again. I don’t blame you for anything.”
I breathed a sigh of relief and nodded, picking on my food. My appetite was gone, but my heavy heart felt lighter. Just a bit. “Thank you for understanding.”
“No problem.”
“So are we good?”
He grunted which I assumed was a yes.
“Can we just be... friends?”
He sipped his coffee.
“I’LL WAIT HERE,” MY boss said after we parked.
I nodded, exited his car, and made the two-minute journey to the revolving doors of my office building. I cleared past security and made it in time before the elevator’s door closed, this time an elderly woman holding the door open for me.
“Hey, Audrey,” Sam said, standing up and smiling at me. Then her smile disappeared. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
Apparently, Google failed me because I spent at least twenty minutes in the bathroom trying to get rid of my puffy eyes. It got better, but did I look that obvious?
“Nothing,” I told her, smiling. I had practiced my smile in the bathroom too, and I was certain I would fool anybody. “Just had trouble sleeping.”
Sam wasn’t buying it. “Come,” she told me and I followed her to my desk, thinking about how I should start acting lessons. We both sat down.
“Tell me what’s wrong?” Her eyes showed concern. “I don’t know if I can help, but I’ll try my best.”
Just then, our boss came in. He looked at us for a moment before entering his office and frosting the glass. For once, Sam wasn’t gushing about him.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me,” my friend said. “I won’t push. But I’ve been told multiple times that I’m a great listener.”
I told her about last night, but with one major change. I switched Kevin’s name to ‘the guy I like’.
I tried to hold back my tears. I really did. But in the end, my emotions won, and I was teary-eyed again.
“I’m sorry,” Sam said, squeezing my hand. “I understand why you did that and why you’re feeling the way you are. She let go of my hand and hugged me. I hugged her back, and my heart lifted a little.
“You will find love, Audrey,” she said. “It will take time, but believe me, you will. You’re smart, pretty, and kind, and you’re a genuinely great person to be around. Those guys that left you are assholes. Any decent man will notice those things and I have full confidence you will find your man. But I suggest you to take some time off, relax, and breathe. Don’t be so hard on yourself and allow your heart to heal. Love will come to you.”
I wanted to tell her that it had been over a year and my heart hadn’t felt any better, but I bit my tongue. I should listen to her. My heart will heal. It needed to take a little more time, and I really needed to try to love myself.
“Thank you for listening to me whining,” I said.
“You’re not whining and you never have to thank me for doing this. Friends have each other’s backs.”
“Thank you,” I said again before realizing she had just told me not to thank her.
She smiled at me, and we got back to work.
Sam offered to hand Kevin his schedule when she sensed my hesitation. But accepting the offer would mean I was avoiding him, and I didn’t want to send him that message. Thanking Sam again and mentally counting to thirty, I got up and walked into his office.
“Here’s your schedule,” I said, smiling and handing him the paper.
Kevin was typing on his laptop. He didn’t look up. “Set it on the desk.”
I did that and stood there awkwardly.
“Anything else?” he asked, still not looking up from his screen.
“No,” I said.
He was acting all cold and detached, and I didn’t like it. I expected him to tell me something unrelated to work, but he just kept typing.
“You can go.”
My heart dropped. I nodded and walked out.
Sam was with me until lunch. The workday wasn’t as intense as my first three days, and for the first time since I started working here, I could have lunch on time.
Kevin had already defrosted his glass walls. I poked my head in his office and asked him if he wanted to come for lunch or if he needed a takeout. He didn’t answer, still concentrating on the screen in front of him.
I couldn’t help but feel a little ticked off. Sure, all of this was my fault and I hurt him badly, but he could at least acknowledge me.
I left him alone and went with Sam to a place with the best Chinese food, according to her.
Sam told me more about her as we ate. She was still single, and had been for over four months. She didn’t have a string of exes like me. In fact, she only had one lover in her entire life—her high school sweetheart.
“We grew into completely different people,” she said, munching on her honey glazed chicken. “We’re still friends, but things... things aren’t the
same.”
I nodded, taking a spoonful of rice mixed with small chunks of buttermilk chicken. My tongue soared at the taste, and I chewed quickly, making sure my mouth was empty before speaking.
“I understand,” I said even though I really didn’t. None of my exes were on speaking terms with me.
She sighed, and stared out the window. “Love can be so complicated sometimes.” I think she didn’t mean to say that aloud because she snapped back her attention to me and changed topics. “So, tell me about your roommate.”
My mind automatically went to Kevin when she mentioned ‘roommate’ even though Zane and I had been roommates for far, far longer.
“He’s great,” I said. “We have known each other for years.” I told her more about him. She giggled when I mentioned the time when Zane had to go to the hospital, ending up with a cast in his arm from tripping over a stray rubber duck on the pavement.
“How did you two meet? He seems like a great guy.”
“Umm.” I didn’t know whether I should tell her the truth or dodge the question. I decided to tell her the truth because she deserved it for being so nice to me. “We met in a group therapy session.”
“Therapy?” she said, perking up at the word. “Therapy for what?”
“I was in a bad place in life at that time after a sour breakup. They hosted this group therapy session once a week where we could say whatever we wanted and people would listen to you without judgments.” I coughed into my fist. “Zane had the same problem as me, so we kind of bonded from that.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, her eyes growing soft. “I never had to deal with that kind of problem before. You know, mental stuff, but I promise you I’ll try to understand and offer a listening ear if you ever need one. You have my number, right? You can call me anytime you want.”
I told her I didn’t have her number, and she borrowed my phone and added it to my contact list.
“Thank you again,” I said when she handed my phone back. I felt like I was always thanking everybody.
“No need,” she smiled.
Sam was a good person, and I was glad to have her as a friend.
Conversation shifted to other stuff. Sam talked about her yellow Labrador, Wally, whom she loved dearly. I listened, nodding, smiling, and talking only when I needed to. I already felt much better, and I tried to focus on that for the rest of the day—my healing heart.
Chapter 18
I finished the remainder of my tasks, bid goodbye to everyone I passed in the office, and made the journey to Kevin’s car where he was waiting for me.
The car ride back home wasn’t too bad. It was great actually. Kevin finally made conversation with me, telling me he had finished reading my book and that he enjoyed it. He was planning to read Falling for Him next, and if I recalled, the book also contained a lot of blowjob scenes.
My mind raced back to last night when his thick cock was in my mouth and I was enjoying every second of it.
“You okay?” he asked when I shifted in my seat.
“Yeah,” I said, looking at him to show that I was okay, but, of course, my stupid brain made me glance down at his crotch area. Luckily, he didn’t notice.
“How’s your next novel coming along?” he asked me.
“I haven’t started it yet. I’ll start it either tonight or tomorrow,” I vowed.
He nodded, and we were back home, walking past the lobby—if you can call it a lobby—and stepping up the creaky stairs to our apartment.
“Want to have dinner with Zane and me later?” I asked him as he unlocked our door, way happier than I should be that he was talking to me again.
“I’m good,” he said, then disappeared inside.
DINNER CONSISTED OF Zane telling me explicit details of his Monopoly game last night. At least he kept his voice down because the fish and chips restaurant was packed full of people.
“So how was your night?” my best friend asked me. “Did you start working on your new book yet?”
“No. But I’ll start either later or tomorrow.”
“I hope I gave you some inspiration.” He paused for a few seconds. “I think Jason and I are becoming a thing again.”
“Really?” I smiled at him even though my cheeks still hurt from smiling too much. “That’s great! You and Jason are so good together. You were happy with him last time, right?”
“Yeah. He’s staying in Manhattan long term, so he thinks committing to us is a good idea too.”
“That’s great, Zane,” I said again. “I’m really happy for you.”
“Thanks,” he smiled. “I would like to bring him to our place sometime if you don’t mind.”
“Of course. It’s your place as much as mine.”
“You think Kevin would mind?”
I looked down at my plate. “No, why would he?”
“I don’t know. He’s been in a grumpy mood lately. He ignored me again.” Zane popped a fry in his mouth. “I mean, what’s up with that? I want to call him out so badly for being an asshole.”
I shrugged. “I’m sure he has his reasons.”
“You like to defend him, don’t you?”
I looked up to see my grinning best friend. “No, I don’t. I just—he...”
My friend looked at me as I fumbled my words into silence.
Zane winked. “Unfinished sentences are a sure sign of guilt.”
I sighed. “Give him a break. Maybe he had a bad day. He’ll come around.”
I paused to let my friend answer, but he stayed silent, still looking at me.
I continued. “He’s a good guy, Zane. I was wrong about him.”
“He doesn’t give you a hard time at work?”
“No.”
He nodded. “Then he’s good in my books. He can ignore me all he likes, but if he’s good to you, I’m good with him.”
I smiled and my cheek muscles burned again. “Thank you.”
I WOKE UP FEELING MUCH better than yesterday.
Since I wore the pink blouse and gray skirt the previous day, I had to go with black and white today.
I really needed to get some more clothes soon. But alcohol and food had taken up most of my leftover cash, and I didn’t want to use my debit card my parents had set aside for me in case of emergencies.
Was this an emergency? Having to alternate between only two sets of clothes?
I decided it wasn’t an emergency and that I would just have to wait for my paycheck.
I got out of bed and turned off my alarm because I woke up before it went off. I didn’t work on my novel last night when I had promised myself I would, so I would have to start today. The thought of having to write over sixty thousand words again, along with paying what little money I had to hire a cover designer and a book editor made my stomach turn a little.
Writing could be fun, but it could be exhausting too.
Later, I thought. I will work on it later.
This time, instead of slipping on pants and going out, I did my morning routine first. When I went into the living room, I was dressed and ready to go.
“Morning,” I told my boss. My plate and coffee were already on the table, so I sat down and gratefully dug in.
“Hey,” he said with his iPad in hand and his feet propped up on our table. “I’m reading your book. I love it so far.”
“Really? I’m glad you like it.”
He didn’t mention the sex scenes like I (kind of) wanted him to. As much as I’ll never admit it, I liked it when he talked about dirty stuff. The words sounded so hot coming from his lips. Honey lips. I could still imagine his taste on my tongue, and just like that, there was a throb between my legs.
I snapped out of it and finished my breakfast, thanking and complimenting him after I cleaned my plate. I stood up, grabbed both our plates, and washed them at the sink, sitting back down when I was done.
He always started driving to work at seven thirty sharp, so we had time to spare. I looked at my phone while he looked at his Apple dev
ice. The silence between us was unnerving, but I reminded myself it was only me that thought that. Kevin was completely at ease and looked smoking hot in a gray two-piece suit. I tried to concentrate on Facebook, but my gaze would often switch back to him. Had he been working out more? His chest seemed bigger, stretching even better over his suit.
He suddenly glanced up, and I looked away. I should have looked back at my phone or to my left and out the window, but instead, I turned my head to the right and stared at the brick wall like an idiot.
I MADE THE SHORT TREK from Kevin’s car park to work alone, feeling down again. And walking in these shitty heels worsened my mood with every step.
Why were relationships so complicated? Why couldn’t they be easy for me? Why couldn’t I find love? I hated the fact that I would grow old without somebody beside me. The thought of bearing children who wouldn’t have a father figure in their life had never come to me until now. Was it worth going to a sperm bank and having children? Maybe I should be selfish and have them, so I wouldn’t grow old and alone. But I needed to clear off my debts and be financially secure first.
So many thoughts to ponder.
Sam greeted me with a wide smile and a hug, which both surprised and delighted me. My mood lifted a little.
She mentored me for only half an hour because the workload started piling up, forcing her to leave. It was fine anyway because every day work was getting a tiny bit easier as I got more used to everything.
Kevin was busy too, typing on his laptop and making and receiving calls for hours on end.
At two o’clock, I was munching on some cookies I had bought from home. I had some candy on hand too that I had snuck from my desk. The Mentos were supposed to be for clients, but none of them had been taking them. It would be a waste for them to sit there. At least that was what I told myself as I popped one into my mouth. I will work extra hard in the gym.
I stood up when I saw a well-dressed woman in four-inch high heels making a beeline toward me. She should be the two o’clock. I took a quick glance down at my monitor because I forgot what her name was.