by Lexa Bălă
The thing is that nobody really stays in his cabin and we actually stay four or five kids in one cabin. We need to have fun. It actually became a need.
"What are you planning for tonight?" Aiden asked.
"I have an idea. What if we go to the lake? "I proposed.
"W-what? Are you insane or are you just kidding? How could you possibly think that it's alright to go through the woods at night and- " Theo stops and looks at us when he notices that we all stared at him. We all realized he has been acting so freakin' weird since we got here. "Man, you do what you want. I don't feel of having fun in the water right now."
He stands up and runs upstairs where it was supposed to be his room, but just after he takes some nachos from the fridge.
"What's wrong with him? He is paranoic. Let's go, guys. Davina, aren't you coming with us?" Hayden asked.
"Uhm...I'll come later. Go and have fun."
I wasn't going to have fun because of that waspish dumbshit Theo. God, instead of swimming in the lake I have to stay beside him to make sure he doesn't make any stupid things and to console him, of course. I have been doing this for months. I go upstairs and barge in, not knocking because I wasn't supposed to be nice, I was supposed just to make him feel better.
"Are you okay?" I ask and give him a glass of juice.
"This is the most stupid question you still ask me since -Yeah, I'm fine. You know that you should be there and have fun, not here, with me".
And he looks at me again in that way that truly breaks my heart and sometimes I feel so fucking useless. I feel like I'm not helping him at all.
"But thanks. I appreciate. I really do. "
"Theo, is gonna be fine. Why are you acting like that?"
"I find this place kind of creepy. That’s all."
"It's normal. We are in the middle of nowhere, at miles away from civilization and near is a sanatorium. It is creepy."
" I don't want you to think that I'm frightened or something like that, 'cause I'm not. I'm just-"
"Yeah, sure. Uhm...so...about the guy you told me he had conflicts with..."
"What about him?"
"You really think that one guy could've made him commit suicide. Are you stupid or are you stupid? Don't try to blame somebody else. He died because....man, he had a lot of problems even before he got there, so not the sanatorium killed-"
But I stop. Because this is exactly the conclusion where he wanted me to get to.
"Why not, Davina? He wasn't insane, he wasn't schizophrenic. He shouldn't have been there, in an insane asylum, a madhouse. That place really makes healthy people get crazy. "
"You are thinking too far. I mean, I don't think those kids are really that bad. "
"The poor little bastards. Davina, I know. Many of them are just kids who are there just because maybe they told anyone they had seen ghosts or something like that. But none of them is innocent. There's no innocence in them anymore. But as you said, perhaps they're not all bad."
" See, you worry to much. Be positive. We'll be pshycologists for a few days".
And here comes that awkward silence that usually happens while in a discussion, followed by gazing at each other and none of us saying a word.
"And now what?" he leers at me and his look goes down.
"You perv," I squealed. And we laughed.
"Don't fuss. Just kidding. You know I'm kidding, right?"
"You're a jerk" I say and punch him on his shoulder and he giggles.
"I might seem completely boring, but right now I want to sleep," he says. "You can sleep here if you want to. I don't mind. Really. You can"
It was weird. He is the one who said he want them to come with us so that he wouldn't need to spend time with me and also to share his room with me. And now he is acting so nice. This is so strange.
"I did not came here to sleep. If I wanna sleep, I sleep at home. Now I just wanna enjoy every second of liberty."
From outside is hearing a very nice song. The music comes from the cabin next to us. I get out of the room without saying a word and rush outside.
And when I see all of the stars on the sky, all of the bright lights that are lighting the camp, when I inhale and exhale the fresh mountain air, when I hear the nature sound combined with
that amazing song... God, I wanna be here forever.
"It is nice, isn't it?" muttered Jersey from behind my back and that scares the hell out of me, due to the fact I was too concentrate on my own thoughts.
" Jers, for God sake", I yelled at him and he started chortling.
He was one of my classmates but he didn't have that sense if stupidity like most of them. Jersey, his best friend Andrew and Taissa were really good kids. He was exactly the ideal classmate. He was smart, adorable and hilarious. He might be one of those people I will remember after years because we know each other since kindergarden and we kinda grew up together. He is one of that rare friends I really care about and that kind of friend who is really beside me when I need.
"It's so damn amazing here. I don't want to leave this place. It's like -"
"You belong here?"
"Yeah, exactly."
"Oh, I forgot. I came to you for a reason. About the schedule. We start sooner so tomorrow four of us will go to the sanatorium. What we have to do: we have to communicate with kids and just listen to what they want to talk about, we can do interractive activities with them, also they will be allowed to stay outside in the yard of the sanatorium with us (and the yard is gigantic, so we can do whatever we want 'cause nobody sees us). The main reason why we do this is because with our help they can do normal teenager activities, they will see how is a normal life and maybe they'll be more developed mentally after they meet us. And if someone does not want to do this, it’s okay, 'cause we are not forced to do this. So...do you want take part in this programme?"
"Me, of course. But I don't know if Theo wants."
"It's a normal thing that he doesn't want to get in there. He had already visited that place when Darren- so it's okay. But he has to let go of the past."
"And what if the past keeps following him everywhere and what if it doesn't matter if he wants to let go of the past because the past doesn't let go of him?"
"It's none of my business. We were all affected by Darren's death but we have to get over it someday. And he will be fine. I know they were more like brothers 'cause they had a childhood together, but that shouldn't ruin his life...Uhm...so tomorrow, you, me, Aiden and Taissa will be meeting right in front of the first cabin. Good night, Davina, and sweet dreams," he said, giving me a bear hug.
I watch him getting far and then I remember I let Theo alone again and that was a little rude, even though we both know that we are not stick together for life because of Darren. It is already the middle of the night and I feel like my eyes are closing so I traipse inside.
Upstairs there is no light turned on but I know he is wide-awake.
CHAPTER 3
This time I don't barge in. This time I knock and I hear a "Come in" from inside. I open the door and make my way through the darkness to the other bed.
"What were you doing?" I asked and watched through the window the bright stars all over the sky.
"Do you really wanna know what I was doing?" he chortled.
"God, Theo," I squealed and we both started to belly laugh and here is it his earsplitting horse laugh that only makes me guffaw. And we are laughing like twerps from nothing, we laugh of our own laughter. Things like this have always brought us closer to each other. Even though most the of time we cannot stand each other due to our changing behaviour and the annoyance we provoke to each other we still have moments like this when we realize that we are some kind of best friends, with benefits or not. We don’t actually know what are we. This friendship with him was a little bit like a relationship, so hard to keep and so complicated, full of fights, quarrels, swears, and after all, we were still friends because the fact of not being friends doesn't even exist. We are still friends no ma
tter how much we hate each other, no matter if we don't talk to each other for weeks. I don't even remember how we first met. All I know is that I woke up one day and I had Theo and Darren by my side. I did never consider Darren a friend, and neither did he, but from no reason we were always in the same places and we were kind to each other. And now I remembered the fact Darren was my crush for some time and I didn't even know that till now.
"Theo?" I muttered.
"What?"
" I'll tell you something nobody knows. But, please, don't laugh of me. "
"Fine. I won't."
"I had a crush on Darren."
And silence. And then he let loose a loud guffaw. And I feel like I'm gonna kill him.
"Sorry, I really managed to keep a straight face, but - God, I can't believe. Dude- " and he chortlesd again, such a dumbshit he is. ‘’Unbelievable actually.’’
"You're an asshole," I called out so that I would scow him down
I tear through the room and dart off.
"Davina, wait- he yelled from behind my back and I hear his steps getting closer but I just stumble off so that I'll be far from that bastard. I slam the door, rushing outside and striding to that side of the camp that was not illuminated.
I find a bench and sit down there. He might come, or he might not. There are two options. He always does this - when I get mad at him, sometimes he comes and apologizes, and eventually we are fine because I know he is truly sorry for everything he does Sometimes he continues to be rude and acts like he doesn't care, and right now I have no idea whether he would come. I begin getting bored to anticipate his reactions, to always wander what goes through his mind. Tonight I feel like I don't want to see his face anymore so I am going to move in Tess and Aiden's cabin. It is that feeling again that grows inside of me and it tells me to go away and see what happens, see who's gonna feel I am missing. So I pace along and get far from the camp. We are not allowed to go away from here but it's seems like nobody watches us. They abandoned us in the middle of this shit. Good job, guys.
I get to the road we came on and go straight ahead, in the darkness of the night, surrounded by the woods, by this loneliness. I saunter and it feels so good. Just me, myself and I, walking on the middle of the road without thinking of getting hit by a car because nobody is going to visit the sanatorium soon. I inhale this air and smell the liberty. But you know, in this moments of silence you start thinking. About everthing and everyone. And you start noticing things.
Why he hasn't came to me yet? He should have known that I do stupid things when I get mad and he should have come.
And this place would have looked much brighter if Darren was here. Because we all know now that he commited suicide in this places. And these places will always wear the marks of his death. And we will always wear the scars of who he was.
I just want to know why he did it.
And somehow I got here. Right in front of the gates of Steinfeld Sanatorium. A sanatorium for kiddos with mental disorders. For the ones who just see the world in different ways.
I don't see it very well as it's too dark outside. But is a massive old building that looks creepy. It is old and holds in it some special minds and some destroyed minds.
"Why are you looking at?" a voice muttered and I let a short scream out. I turn around, but nothing.
" You shouldn't be here alone, at night."
"W-ho are y-you?" I stammered. My hears beats faster and faster.
"I'm one of those damn insane kids who live their shitty lives in this fucking shitty place. "
"Are you outside?" I asked, lookind around me, but not being able to see anything.
"Yes. Why? That scares you?"
"How did you get out?" I asked HIM but I feel more like I talk with nobody. It’s just me and the darkness around me. But HE could be somewhere in that darkness.
"Oh, I can get out whenever I want, at night."
"And then why are you still here?"
"Why? Because in these places I can kill people. I can kill you too but you haven't given me a reason to do that yet. Oh, and you and your twerp friends are going to visit us tomorrow. So kind you are! Now leave and be careful not to get murdered in these woods. Bye-bye. Go. Chop-chop. And good night, little idiot."
I turn around and start running. Running away from that voice.
My hands are shaking. My whole body is quivering and I feel like I want to scream and shout. And then I get tired and I am sweat and I'm trudging and still don't see the camp. And I panic and I cannot breathe. And then I tell to myself " Such a coward you are. It was just a kid who was playing with your mind. A damn fucked up kid and you are running like that."
I make a few steps and bump into someone and I start screaming 'cause I don't see anything and that someone just pulls me closer and holds me tight from my wrists as I began hitting him with my fists,
And then I suddenly relax. I know it's him and I hear his voice. He is trying to calm me down. But I am already fine. I feel his body and he is here and nobody can hurt me now. He smells like home and safe. He holds me so tight that takes my breath away but is a nice feeling. I feel protected. Soon after I begin crying and release what I kept inside for so long. He hears my sobs and he kisses me on the forehead and now I no longer quiver because of the fear.
"I'm here, Davina. You are safe. Why were you doing here and why are you so frightened?"
"I don't know why I'm here. I was in front of the sanatorium and it was a guy there and he was telling me rude things and-"
"It's alright. I'm here. Let's go now."
"But what are you doing here?"
"I came after you, of course. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I was an idiot. I shouldn't have laughed when you told me not to. I shouldn't have react like that. I'm sorry."
But his apologises were accepted and his mistakes were forgiven already.
We don't say anything until we get to the camp and get inside. All this time, till we got back to camp we held hands. And it was such a strange feeling to feel my fingers interlaced with his. Skin on skin.
And when I don't feel his touch anymore, it feels more strange. Everything is strangely beautiful.
"Now you know the reason I don't like this place. I know that some of those kids know a way out and at night they saunter the woods. And they are dangerous And that guy. What did he tell you?"
"Never mind. Somehow...is the only way for them to taste the freedom, you know."
"I know. Darren was one of those kids who escaped during the night. And about the other thing...you really meant it when you said you had a crush on him and I'm sorry but at first I couldn't believe, that's why I reacted like that. Why didn't you tell me this...uhm...when he was...uhm...alive? I always know about the guys you fall in love with. "
"I didn't tell you because at that moment I didn't even know I liked him. I have come to this realization recently, when I thought about it more. You always know when I have a crush on someone. Right now you are the only person who knows about Darren."
"I would have been so nice that my only best friends would have been a couple."
"Yeah, probably."
"For sure."
"But he didn't-"
"No, he did not have a crush on you. But he had some kind of feelings for you."
"Really?"
"Mhm," he nods. ‘’You were not in the friendzone, but neither ever seen as a possible girlfriend.’’
And here's that grin on his face again.
It's weird sometimes I have an aversion for him and in moments like this everything goes so normally.
"What?" he asked and quirked his eyebrow in confusion.
I didn't realise I was gazing at him. It was awkward as we sat there in silence looking at each other, having no hatred for each other.
He stands up and nestles down in his bed, between pillows.
"Come here, come on, " he said and beckoned me to sit beside him.
And he wraps my waist with his arms and we snaggle there, warmed b
y each other's bodies. I heave a sigh of relief and we intertwine our fingers.
"It's nice to cuddle with you," I whispered and he giggled and I start chuckling because this situation really amuses me.
"What's so funny?" he said.
"Us."
I wish I felt this insouciance I feel in this moment more often. The last thing I feel are his fingers drawing imaginary circles on my belly and then I nod off.
°°°
I wake up at 9 o'clock and I know this morning is going to be different. This whole day is going to be different. He is no longer in bed but I already hear my friends' laughters from downstairs.
I plod to kitchen where I see them preparing breakfast.
"Good morning, princess," Aiden said while drinking coke.
"Morning y'all," I almost yelled.
"Oh, look who's happy. Do you want pancakes?" Hayden asked. She gives me a hug." God, you cannot believe how amazing was last night. You know that your classmate Mikey is gay, right?"
"Yep. He confessed when we were only fourteen but we didn't believe him 'cause we thought that a fourteen year old kid doesn't know about sexuality and staff so he couldn't be sure about his homosexuality. Why?"
"He and Aiden kind of made out last night in the lake. So awesome. I knew they were in love."
"Bullshit," I yelled in excitement. "My baby boy made his first boyfriend. God, Aiden, I'm so damn proud of you."
I jump in his arms and give him a big big hug and he giggles.
"I can't wait the moment you'll make your first boyfriend too, sweetheart."
I roll my eyes at his remark and eat my pancakes in silence. Then I rush upstairs to dress up and I find Theo standing there.
"I want to be clear with you. We are not together or something like that, a couple or other bullshit, okay?"
"Okay," I said and looked for something to wear.
But he grasps my hand and pulls me closer but I push him away fast.
"We're not together or other bullshit," I said and I pushed him back with my index finger.