Eighteen Stories With A Touch Of Humor

by Mario V. Farina

gait of the older man. It was cool for May and Robert was impressed with Mr. Collier's foresight in having brought a coat to work.

  They arrived at a two family, white framed dwelling, walked up the stairs of the wooden stoop and stopped momentarily at the left of two doors. Harry turned the knob. He and his young companion were almost instantly greeted by the round, smiling, unlined face of Matilda Collier. She was about the same age as Harry, somewhat stocky, with short blondish hair. She was wearing a lavender and brown print blouse over a black skirt. Harry took her hand, pulled her toward him, and gave her a smack on the lips.

  There were the introduction formalities and a bit of small talk. Robert found that he had formed an instant fondness for Mrs. Collier.

  Later, the three were seated at the dinner table, which was crowded with dishes, water goblets, a large platter of roast beef with several cut slices, a wooden salad bowl overflowing with greenery, serving tureens filled with yellow squash, and snowy white cauliflower. The table was draped almost to the floor with an embroidered tablecloth. Mr. Collier tilted his left ear toward Robert. "Now, how can I help you?" He asked?

  The men had removed their jackets but Robert still wore his vest. While waiting for an answer, Harry cut some meat with his right hand, then transferred it to his mouth, Continental style, with the fork in his right hand. Taking another cut, he dropped a small piece of meat to the floor where a small, orange tabby appeared as if by magic.

  After Robert had asked this question about what to do concerning Wanda Fisher, Mr. Collier smiled. He leaned back thoughtfully in his chair and put one finger to the side of his cheek. "Well…," He mumbled and began rolling up his sleeves.

  Matilda was standing at the counter fluffing whipped cream on to the top of three green Jell-O desserts that quivered in individual serving glasses. "I know what you can tell the young man, dear" she interjected. "Why don't you tell him about the China Garden. Tell him what you did."

  Harry knit his eyebrows. "China Garden, Mattie? Something I did?"

  "Yes, you know – the fortune cookies!"

  Henry seemed puzzled, then brightened. "Of course!" he smiled. "Yes, I can do that. Let's finish dinner, then we can talk in the living room."

  After dinner, Harry tugged at the knees of his pants, rose, steadied himself on the chair, then slowly turned and led the way into the living room. He settled into a large leather recliner, pushed it back about one third of the way, then placed his hands on the arm rests. Matilda and Robert sank deeply, side-by-side into the overstuffed brown tweed couch facing him.

  "Well, it was like this," Harry began. "I was young and in love with Mattie, here, only she didn't know it. And I was shy just like you. So I did a little snooping and found that she liked Chinese food a lot. One day I asked her to go with me to the best Chinese restaurant in town, the China Garden. She said yes. That was thirty-five years ago, but I remember the meal as if it were yesterday. I had fresh pork chop suey and Mattie had General Tsong's Chicken. There were noodles, sweet sauce, the main dishes, rice, egg drop soup, and tea. For dessert, we had fortune cookies." Harry glanced at his wife and winked roguishly.

  "When Mattie broke her cookie, the fortune on it read, 'An interesting person has come into your life.' My cookie said, 'You have met a woman who will become very important to you.'"

  "Both Mattie and I were fascinated by the fortunes and we wondered if fate was speaking to us. We decided that we would go to the same restaurant the following week to see what the fortunes had to say."

  "The week passed slowly, but at last, Friday came and Mattie and I went to the China Garden again. We don't remember what we ate. We were too interested in the dessert. At last, two fortune cookies were delivered and we broke them. Mattie pulled out hers and it read, 'You are becoming very fond of the young man who has come into your life.' Mine said, 'Your new friend has become very dear to you.'"

  "Each of us was thrilled by what the cookies were saying, but we weren't sure. We decided to go back one more time. This time the cookies were much more explicit. Mattie's read, 'The young man, sitting across from you, loves you very much and wants to marry you. Follow your heart." Mine read, "'The young woman with whom you are having dinner, returns your love. Ask her an important question."

  "Both of us felt that destiny was speaking, and I was only too happy to propose. Mattie answered yes right away. We were married the following month, and both of us have been very happy ever since."

  "That's a remarkable story," Robert commented. "The fortunes were amazing, but I don't understand. What would be the meaning of this for me?"

  "This story isn't quite finished, Bob," Harry replied. "You'll see what this means to you soon. The fortunes of the cookies were not there simply by chance. I had spent half a week's salary to have some unique, professional-looking fortunes printed at a print shop. Then, I had obtained some very special fortune cookies from a bakery who had agreed to create them for me. There went the other half of the salary. Finally, I had made arrangements with the owners of the China Garden, who I suspected were romantics at heart, to serve my cookies instead of their usual ones."

  "Oh!" exclaimed Robert, "you won Mrs. Collier with a ruse."

  "No, no, not at all, Bob. I was being creative. If it wasn't meant to be, my ploy would not have worked. So here's my advice to you. Be creative. Phone Wanda and asked for a date imitating a well-known personality. Or, stand at the picture window and hold up a sign saying something nice. These are just examples. You know what I mean. Be resourceful! Do something that amuses her. Follow up with a request for a date. She'll say yes, I'm sure."

  Robert set pensively for a few seconds, then smiled broadly. "Of course," he exclaimed. "I know what I'll do! I'll phone and imitate a computer voice. I'll say that this is Robert Drake's computer speaking and that Robert Drake has asked the computer to phone Wanda to see how she is. She'll laugh. I know she will. That will break the ice. What do you think?"

  "Sounds just right to me, Bob," agreed Harry. "And you can also have the computer voice invite her for dinner and a movie Saturday night," added Mattie.

  "Exactly! Just right. That'll work. Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Collier, you've given me just the kind of advice that I was looking for!"

  After Robert had left, Harry looked into his wife's eyes. "Thanks for the idea you gave me, Mattie," he remarked. "I was stumped for something to suggest and didn't want to disappoint Bob. I feel like a fraud, though. It was you who did the things that I claimed I had done. Remember how I laughed when you finally told me? You were the one with the imagination."

  "Fiddlesticks!" Mattie smiled. "What difference does it make who did what? We got together, didn't we? And you helped Bob Drake. That's the important thing."

  Learning Inline Skating

  This is a true story. It was summer, 1998. At age 75, some folks might think it's a little late to learn how to skate using inline skates. However, I had seen people gliding so easily on these that I thought I might be able to learn. But I wanted to be safe during the learning process.

  I thought that, as I learned, I could control my movements with suction cups at the ends of bathroom plungers. These were being sold at Sam's Club manufactured with extra long handles. I bought a set of two. I also bought a pair of inline skates, kneepads, and elbow pads. I felt I needed additional safety attire. I found a helmet saved from my motorcycle days and a heavy black leather jacket. I determined to use these. I found a pair of work gloves and decided to include them. My safety equipment was now complete. I had forgotten to include one item.

  The day of my first learning attempt arrived. With my wife, Ann, looking on with some degree of amusement, I donned the jacket and other paraphernalia I had gathered and walked outdoors with the skates on my feet and carrying a bathroom plunger under each arm. Hobbling across the grass, I positioned myself where the sidewalk began. Ann's look was now one of apprehension instead of entertainment. I was happy to observe that she was prepared to provide assistance and/or call an amb
ulance if one were needed.

  Intending to stay on the sidewalk, I thrust the plungers forward and gave myself a little push. Sadly, I found that the suction cups did not work exactly as I had hoped. They provided no support at all. The walk was too porous. My legs moved forward but the rest of my body remained in place. Presently I found myself sitting on the sidewalk wondering why I had not thought to shove a pillow down the backside of my trousers. When I was able to regain an upright position, I concluded that my attempt to learn inline skating had ended. The plungers went on to more traditional use, the skates were put away and the motorcycle clothing was thrown to the back of the back of the hall closet.

  I wasn't dismayed, however. I remembered a statement from Thomas Edison. At one point he hadn't found a material he could use as a filament for the light bulb but soon learned about many substances that wouldn't work. My experience had been something like that. I had wanted to learn inline skating and had found one way that would not work. Unlike Edison, I never tried other ways.

  Ann later confessed that, as she had watched my bumbling efforts to regain a standing position, she had laughed so hard that she had nearly had an embarrassing accident.

  Read My Best Puns

  To Boggle