“Once, Sarah and I tried to reach as high as we could.” Milton shrugged. “We were young and foolish, and did it despite the danger. That was when we learned what we could never have known before: that the firewall is in fact a barrier that keeps us from a beautiful world, a lush world, nothing like this wasteland we inhabit.”
Selena met Taimin’s eyes. “We saw the same thing,” she said.
Milton’s face registered surprise. “You’re both mystics?”
“Just her,” Taimin said, with a nod at Selena. He smiled wryly. “It’s a long story.”
Something occurred to Selena. “Did you see the map in Zorn too?”
Milton nodded. “In our travels, many years ago now, Sarah and I visited Zorn. The Protector showed us a map, in a room below the tower he lived in. The map led us here. We began to wonder if the tales of the afterlife were instead memories from a distant past. Maybe Earth has its origin on the other side of that barrier.”
“And what you discovered here, buried under the desert . . . you called it a machine?” Taimin asked.
Milton nodded. “Clearly the machine was made by those who built Zorn. I also believe that the firewall is nothing natural. What does the machine do?” He glanced at each face in turn. “Is it not obvious? The machine maintains the firewall.”
Milton smiled at the startled sounds that greeted his words.
“You would have worked it out for yourselves in time,” he said. “Did you hear any rumbling? Hissing?” Vance and Taimin both nodded slowly. “The machine is located right beside the firewall, and when it exhales through its vents, it releases extremely hot air.” He pulled the sleeve on his right arm to reveal wrinkled pink-and-white skin between his wrist and elbow. “I can show you, if you like. It’s not like the vents are hard to find.”
“Where is your wife now?” Ruth asked.
Milton sobered. A mingled expression of shame and guilt tightened his eyes. “She died.”
“What happened?” Lars grunted. “You were attacked out here?”
“No,” Milton said. “It was much worse than that.” He paused for a long time, while the silence dragged out. When at last he spoke, he wouldn’t meet any of their eyes. “I once had a daughter, before the fates took her from me.” He set his mouth in a thin line. “Like I said, the machine has vents. Sarah and I, we tried for years to find a big one. We wanted to get inside, to discover the truth about the machine and this world we live in.” As he spoke, his face looked ever more drawn. “One day, we were digging. We turned our backs for just a moment. That’s when we learned . . . The vents are small, but not too small for a four-year-old child. In a heartbeat my little girl fell down the sand and the machine ate her up. From that moment until the day Sarah died, we doubled our efforts to find a way in.”
“Your wife, Sarah . . .” Selena pressed. She was watching him intently. “What happened to her?”
Milton’s expression became sad. “She searched until it killed her. There was nothing I could do. A sandstorm took her.”
Selena’s heart was racing. For a moment, she struggled for breath. No one was looking at her. Everyone was watching Milton. As her thoughts whirled, she tried to look anywhere but at him.
That was when her eyes drifted to a high shelf. When her gaze rested on an object, she felt a painful squeezing on her chest.
It was a rag doll, sitting alone and bereft at the back of the shelf.
Without conscious effort, Selena walked straight over until she was reaching up to it. She took down the rag doll and stared at it. The doll comprised little more than a domed head, thin arms, and a crude dress covering the rest. Sooty circles designated the eyes.
“Emily,” Selena said, not realizing until she had said the doll’s name that she had spoken it out loud.
She put a hand over her mouth and then turned. All eyes were on her.
“How do you know that name?” Milton asked, his expression the most shocked of all.
Now Selena knew why this place felt so strange. She was able to see that Milton’s face was anything but unfamiliar, and could picture his gray hair as dark, and shorter. She imagined him with a straighter posture, no beard, and a manner of passionate intensity.
Milton’s chest was heaving as he stared at her. “Selena?”
Audible gasps filled the room as Selena nodded. Her eyes burned.
Her entire world crashed around her.
Selena was alone, by choice, outside the house she had grown up in. She searched desperately as she followed the homestead’s outer wall. As she passed the lizard enclosure, where several rock lizards the size of her arm roamed and searched for bugs, she finally found what she was looking for.
Milton—her father—had told her where she would find her mother’s grave. Selena stopped and faced a long rectangle, sectioned off by a perimeter of pebbles. A stone marker stood vertically at the top of the rectangle: a headstone.
There was nothing carved on the headstone, nothing to distinguish it other than some desert flowers pinned at its base with a rock. Selena stood looking at the grave and she knew who it had belonged to, although she had no memories of Sarah, the woman who had been her mother. She didn’t even know what her mother had looked like.
After staring at the headstone, she took a deep breath and stared up at the timeless stars, trying to understand what it was she was feeling.
Glittering dots of light, ranging in shade from gold to pale blue, gazed down at her. With the air so clear and dry, they filled the sky, and the moon was at Selena’s back, so that she had nothing else to disturb her view. She saw a flash as a piece of light streaked across the firmament, so swift it was gone before she could focus on it. There was something wistful about the shooting star. For a moment it had been bright and full of life. Then it was gone. Forever.
Another shooting star appeared soon after, this one much slower, traveling at a steady, flickering crawl. The slow ones were much more common than the fast ones, and she wondered if there was some metaphor there about life.
Hearing footsteps, she turned to see Milton approaching. He came to stand beside her and then, without saying anything, he opened his arms. Selena’s eyes filled with tears as she and her father embraced. They held each other for a long time.
“I know this feels strange,” Milton murmured. “It’s strange for me too.”
After their embrace, Selena met his eyes. It was an effort to keep her voice steady. “Tell me about her. What was she like?”
He glanced at the headstone for a moment. “She had eyes like yours. Different colors. And black hair, even darker than mine. She was brave, and intelligent, and loyal. We had our arguments, but she understood why I brought us here. By the rains, she loved you.”
Selena’s breath trembled, but she managed to still the sensation of choking until it was gone. She looked up at the stars again and took slow, steadying breaths.
“You were always fascinated by the stars,” Milton said. “You would lie on your back and stare up at them for hours.” As something occurred to him, he tugged on his beard and became excited. “I have an idea. Your mother. Would you like to see her?”
Selena was startled, taken by surprise. “You can show me an image of her?” Passing an image was a skill that mystics possessed. Selena had used it more than once.
“No.” Milton smiled. “I have a better idea. I can show her to you the way that you saw her.”
“Oh.” Disappointment sank through Selena’s chest. “I have a block. I won’t be able to do it.”
Milton frowned. “A mystic’s power can be walled off, but never taken away. Whatever you’re experiencing, there is a way to resolve it.” He cleared his throat. “At any rate, I can do this whether you’re a mystic or not. I can help you to revisit your own memories.”
Selena remembered when she saw Blixen’s memories, and those of her enemy, Arren. Her pulse quickened. All of a sudden, she desperately wanted to see what Milton could show her.
Milton reached
out and took her hands. “This will work best if you close your eyes.”
Four-year-old Selena sat on the floor, close to a kneeling, black-haired woman with a kind, heart-shaped face. Her mother, Sarah, had odd-colored eyes, one green and the other brown. She wasn’t young, and had thin lines in her forehead. Dimples carved her cheeks as she smiled and held a rag doll up in front of Selena’s eyes.
“What else does she need, Selena?”
Selena thought quickly. “Eyes.”
“That’s right.” Her mother’s smile widened. “She needs eyes, or she won’t be able to see.” Lifting a piece of charcoal, Selena’s mother brought it close to the doll’s face, but then she paused. “Here, my love. You do it.”
Selena took the rag doll and lump of charcoal but then hesitated. “What if I do it wrong?”
“Don’t worry. She’s a special doll. She’ll be able to see no matter what.”
Selena drew a little circle near the top of the doll’s head, and then a second. She glanced up and grinned when she heard her mother’s voice.
“Well done! She just needs one last thing. Can you guess what it is?”
Selena screwed up her face. When it occurred to her, she clutched the doll and beamed at her mother, proud that she hadn’t needed to be told. “She needs a name!”
“That’s right! What would you like to call her?”
“Emily.”
Standing under the stars, in the middle of a windy, dusty desert, Selena opened her eyes. Milton stood beside her. A grave lay at her feet.
Milton reached out and stroked the side of Selena’s face. She realized tears were pouring down her cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
Selena wiped the tears away. “Don’t be. I’ve wanted that my entire life.”
“There is something else.” He hesitated. “I’ve always wanted to know what happened to you. The machine swallowed you—then what? The fact that you’re standing here today means you must have found a way out. Do you feel strong enough? Can we look?”
Selena was afraid, but she nodded. Milton took her hands, and once more she closed her eyes.
Terror. Sheer and utter terror. Bright green light. Selena shielded her eyes and tried to see past the light. She was lost. Her face was dry and salty, but she had done all of her crying a long time ago. Her throat was so sore. She couldn’t call out anymore. Not for her mother. Not for her father.
Gray walls. Gray floor. The same everywhere.
Wait.
Rock. The brown rock immediately drew her attention. She was too afraid to feel hope.
She walked toward the broken rock and strewn gravel. She saw a passage, and followed it to an opening.
A puff of dry desert air. Normal light, golden rather than green.
She stumbled toward the daylight.
Selena couldn’t continue. The emotion was too overwhelming, the fear and sense of abandonment too strong. As she took a series of gasps Milton stared into her face, concerned.
He didn’t say anything. Time passed. At last Selena’s breath evened out. Her pulse stopped racing.
She stared into the distance. “I’ve never liked dark places,” she said softly. “Or feeling trapped.”
“We should go back inside,” her father said. “I think that’s enough for today.”
Selena glanced again at her mother’s grave. She didn’t want to be left with the terrible experience she had gone through at such a young age. She wanted to return to the warmth and love in her mother’s eyes.
“I want to see her again . . . the very last time I saw her.”
Milton combed his fingers through his wispy beard. “Perhaps it’s better if—”
“The last time I saw her.” Selena put strength into her voice. “Please.”
Milton reluctantly nodded.
Selena was on her hands and knees while her fingers clutched the lip of a hard gray surface. She peered into the hole in front of her. Her heart raced when she heard a distant rumbling and a sound of rushing air that became louder and louder.
“What can you see?” her father asked.
“It’s dark,” Selena said.
“Can you put your head inside?”
“I don’t want to.” Selena was afraid.
“Just for a moment, Selena. We have some time before the hot air comes.”
“Where’s Mother?”
“She’s just over there, see?”
Selena lifted her head. She saw her mother in the distance, standing with her back to Selena and her father. Her mother’s long black hair blew in the wind as she stretched and drank from a water flask.
“Put your head inside,” her father insisted. “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. Just do it quickly. Lie on your stomach and slide forward. Here, you can feel my hands. I’ll hold your ankles.”
Selena wanted to make her father happy. She wished that she wasn’t so frightened. As she followed his instructions and placed her head inside the vent, darkness surrounded her.
She heard her mother scream her father’s name.
Her mother’s voice became louder. She must be running. There was a sudden scuffle. Someone tried to seize Selena’s legs, but rather than yank her away, they shifted her legs’ position. Selena felt herself sliding forward. She tried to move but only made things worse.
Thudding heartbeats. Tumbling. Fear. Ragged fear.
Milton stood with his hand over his mouth and his face stricken by horror.
The blood had drained from Selena’s face. For a moment, she struggled to speak. “You said I fell down the sand.”
Milton’s voice was hoarse. “I said you slipped.”
“That’s not what happened.”
Milton spread his hands imploringly. “Selena. Listen to me. Not a day has gone by when I haven’t blamed myself for losing you. I tried everything to get you back.”
“You were obsessed with the machine.”
“You’re right,” he said. “I was.” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’ve had many years to blame myself. I would take it all back if I could.”
Selena shook her head. There was nothing she could say.
Making a decision, she turned away from the man who was her father, but was also a stranger. As she headed toward the entrance to the house and the people who knew her best, Milton called after her.
“Selena?”
She glanced back at him.
“I can help you. With the block on your talent. You’re the daughter of mystics. That’s who you are.”
Despite her block, and all the problems her abilities could help her solve, she knew she didn’t want his help. “It’s for me to say who I am.”
16
The next morning, after a troubled sleep, Selena found Milton once more at the table with Taimin, Lars, Vance, and Ruth. She took a seat near Taimin, who met her eyes. They had spoken together late into the night.
Selena didn’t say anything. Conversation was already underway.
“So, we all know that we’re prisoners of the wasteland,” Milton was saying. “Why am I here? Why dig for thirty years? Because if we can get inside the machine . . .” He spoke vehemently. “We might find a way to break it.”
Selena watched Milton, and now she could see the obsession that had driven him as a younger man. So much had happened so quickly. While everyone discussed the strange machine buried under the desert, her head was spinning.
She reminded herself that what they were doing was important, more important than the fact that her father’s recklessness had changed her life forever.
They had all travelled a long way to escape the wasteland. But rather than a small path to freedom, focused on one point in the firewall, they had found the very thing that maintained the firewall’s existence. The possibility of a better life was still there. If the machine could be destroyed, the firewall would be gone forever.
Taimin rubbed his chin. “But we still haven’t answered who the builders were.”
Milton
spread his hands. “In truth, I don’t know.”
“Ever seen a nine-foot tall monster with horns?” Vance asked.
Milton was clearly perplexed.
“We were attacked by two creatures of an unknown race,” Taimin explained. “Giants, I suppose you might call them.”
“Does it matter?” Lars asked. “Perhaps the builders are long gone. The fact is, if we’re all prisoners of the firewall, we owe it to ourselves to bring it down.”
Selena cleared her throat. “I found a way out. Somewhere with broken rock. There’s obviously a way in, we just need to find it.”
Milton tried to meet Selena’s eyes. “It can’t be anywhere close. Over the years, we sifted through every grain of sand in the desert. We never stopped searching for you, Selena. The entrance must be hidden, or we would already have found it.”
“What’s the extent of the machine?” Ruth asked. “How big is it?”
“It’s huge,” Milton said, opening his arms wide.
Lars lifted his dark gaze. “Could it be as far away as the hills? Or the three peaks?”
“I suppose it could be, yes.” Milton nodded. He fingered his beard. “I’ve traded once or twice with the bax who live in the hills. Asked them about the machine, of course, but they made it clear they’re afraid of it and stay away. They may know more. I was concentrating on digging. It changes things now that we know without doubt there’s an entrance.”
“What about the skalen at the three peaks?” Taimin asked.
“They moved there only recently, sometime in the last ten years. I don’t know much about them, really. I didn’t see much point in risking my life to visit.”
“They’ll know more than we do,” Lars said, glancing at Taimin.
“Then we have a plan,” Taimin said. “If we visit the two groups, and say we’ve come to trade, we’ll get a chance to ask questions and look around.”
A sudden wind howled outside, buffeting the small house as a gust swept throughout the room.
“What about sandstorms?” Ruth asked.
“I’d forgotten.” Milton’s jaw tightened. “They’re coming any day. We don’t have long.”
A World of Secrets (The Firewall Trilogy) Page 12