by Temre Beltz
6. Sometimes Pippa even went so far as to pretend that narwhals were actually real, but it never lasted long. Out of all the fantastical creatures that existed in Wanderly, the idea of a unicornish whale frolicking about in the sea was just a bit too fanciful, don’t you think?
7. Take heed: “loyal companion” is an official term and not merely a complimentary one. What story have you ever read where the hero is not aided by at least one loyal companion? As such, upon admittance to Peabody’s Academy for the Triumphant, every Triumphant is presented with his or her own furry, finned, scaled, or feathered companion who they remain bound to for life.
8. A few years back, I probably would have snorted (yes, books can do such a thing from time to time) and haughtily declared, “You think?” But—and this is enormously difficult for me to admit—I would have been wrong. Because, as with many things, a heroic act doesn’t just spontaneously manifest itself. It must be learned; it must be practiced; it must start small before it can become big, and sometimes it is the small things that are the most heroic of all.
9. If a curse of petrification for attempting to commandeer the magic from another magician’s hat in such a way seems harsh to you, I wholeheartedly agree. Alas, I am not the one to make up the rules; it is merely my job to report them.
10. This sounds like a very sad beginning, but it was the same beginning shared by all magician boys. In Wanderly, the Swinging Swamp borders the notoriously witchy abode known as the Dead Tree Forest. Though witches were typically willing to raise their girls for a few years, they wanted nothing to do with their boys. So, they routinely dropped them off at the foot of the Swinging Swamp without so much as a backward glance—they were wicked witches, after all.
11. Isn’t this shameful? I haven’t a clue how many years such an “envelope” has been in place, but it does suggest that, as of late, Wanderly’s Triumphants had not been selected entirely on the basis of merit.
12. If Mistress Peabody’s entrance has aroused your suspicion, because who has ever heard of waltzing being worthy of hero status, let me gently inform you that a great many battles have been won by a swift kick and a leap across a seemingly insurmountable divide. But if Mistress Peabody’s entrance has aroused your suspicion for some other reason, carry on.
13. If you are wondering why Pippa’s mother did not distribute something more useful, such as a bit of spare change, a map, or possibly even a potion, you mustn’t forget that Wanderly is a storybook kingdom. And in a storybook kingdom, the right words at the right time and in the hands of the right person could change, quite simply, everything.
14. Did I mention the moat surrounding Razzle’s School for Meddlesome Boys was routinely patrolled by an ancient gang of gargantuan crocodiles? Of course, the crocodiles could have likely wiped out the entire population of magicians years ago, but lucky for the magicians—ha!—the crocodiles’ appetite for torment was higher than their appetite for prey. In short, they kept the magicians around merely to toy with them.
15. Are you wondering how it is possible to receive a grade for classwork that was never even begun? I am beginning to wonder such things myself. Not to mention how many other things Triumphants may have received but didn’t do a single thing to earn. . . .
16. For the record, I take absolutely no joy in relaying these foul details. I never did have the spine to be a purely witchy book, but if you find you’re into that sort of thing, I’d be happy to suggest a few titles.
17. I’m not about to pretend a rogue sheet of wallpaper wins any awards for most glamorous rescue, but perhaps it was the most resourceful. And a rescue is still a rescue, after all.
18. Disclaimer: witches are highly unstable, and this list can fluctuate wildly. For example, I vaguely recall hearing a rumor about that last witch—Agnes Prunella Crunch—being suspected of an act of friendship. Although, come to think of it, maybe it was that other witch Maggie Pruneface Bunch? Anyhow, the only thing that really matters is that it’s always wise to double-check your sources even when dealing with a diligent book.
19. This rule had much more to do with the triplets than Mrs. North. The triplets’ pockets were surprisingly deep, and if she had said yes to every toad, lizard, slug, and snail that accompanied them home, the North family’s cottage would have been overrun long ago.
20. If you find this infuriating and it makes you want to throw tomatoes at the Chancellor, then I knew there was a reason I liked you! You are also, unfortunately, miles ahead of the majority of Wanderly’s Triumphants (a numbing fact of which I am not at all proud), who tended to go along with the idea that such a barbaric practice was “sad but necessary.” Bah!
21. At the Creeping Corridor there was an actual hole in the wall where the witches placed their latest potions for sale. If you think it strange that a witch should rely on an honor-system policy for payment, bravo! The real purpose of the Hole in the Wall was to test out their new potions for free. Sometimes the potions worked . . . sometimes they didn’t.
22. RSA (Reader Service Announcement): If you ever happen to stumble upon a witch’s knapsack, don’t sample ANYTHING. In fact, it’s often the pink, sparkly, and frothy potions that get people into the worst kind of predicaments.
23. This is Pippa’s term and not my own. I frankly saw it coming. Bernard and Prudence Bumble, however, had spent their entire lifetimes being fed a steady diet of baloney (I am not talking about the lunch meat) and remained adamant that if anyone should have received a fire horse, it should have been a Bumble.
24. If Bob seems like an outrageously ordinary name for a creature as nuanced as a peacock, you are 100 percent right. Bernard, determined not to be upstaged, specifically chose such a name to keep his loyal companion “in his place.” But perhaps “Bob” meant something different in peacock, because Bob’s antics hadn’t slowed down one bit.
25. Triumphant books don’t usually dabble in crude humor, but if you would like to consider what else Prudence might have tumbled into considering the number of animals running about, be my guest.
26. If you have never experienced the peculiar trauma of witnessing a crocodile sleeping with one eye open—especially a gargantuan one—consider yourself (very) lucky.
27. At this point, I’m sure I don’t have to point out the obvious, but I promised you from the beginning I would do what I could to ease you through the traumatic parts. And so, I shall offer it up for consideration as to whether you think Bernard and Prudence Bumble could ever have a good sort of secret.
28. In case there is nothing akin to Fizzoops in your kingdom, simply imagine the bubbliest of soda pops tied in with an always delightful and blissfully temporary “oops.” As in, “oops” your nose turned blue or “oops” your hair’s standing on end or “oops” you can’t keep from bursting into song, all brought to you by the wizards of Emerald Hills.
29. Perhaps Maisy’s true identity comes as no surprise to you; perhaps you spotted the magic in Maisy from the first moment you met her. In which case, I applaud you. Observing tiny details is written into my job description, and even I failed to see this one coming.
30. Oliver’s intuition was spot-on. Officers of the Quill were most definitely not supposed to run over young girls. But it is hard to expect much from one whose job description was perhaps best described as a professional bully.
31. I bet there are all sorts of rules against a book choosing a favorite part, but I simply cannot help it. It is this one. Right here. Because of all the things the Triumphants were so desperately in need of, truth was perhaps the most important of them all. And Pippa saw it clearly.
32. The wizards of Wanderly varied in a great many ways, but the one thing they all shared in common was a wholehearted devotion to the art of cobblery, or rather, magical shoe-making. If shoes seem a bit boring for your taste, perhaps you have never heard of ruby slippers or seven-league boots?
33. In Wanderly there was regrettably one library for the entire kingdom, to ensure that only Chancellor-approved title
s were in circulation. I have heard rumors that some citizens maintained underground, entirely unapproved secret libraries—but if anyone asks, you did not hear it from me.
34. It may be helpful to note that witches’ broom closets are not the tiny, pocket-size spaces you are used to, but more of the walk-in variety. Considering (a) some witches have multiple brooms, and (b) even one broom needs enough room to stretch its bristles.
35. I jest. We all know there’s no such thing as a “favorite” Bumble. This, of course, is not to say that things cannot change. At times, things even change very quickly. But the Bumbles’ behavior in our story so far has been undesirable to say the least, and I’m afraid it is not about to get any better.
36. Mistress Peabody, of course, couldn’t untie Pippa herself because she wasn’t the one who placed the thread on in the first place. She was strong, but unbreakable is still unbreakable. I’ve even heard a rumor that, when properly applied, magician’s thread can bind a dragon’s wings together.
37. For once, I am a bit out of words. I never know quite how to handle this part of the story—Triumphant books simply aren’t well equipped for sadness. And so, I suppose I simply wanted to let you know that I am still here . . . and I am very glad that you are too.
38. FOR WANDERLY!—Whoops, did I write that out loud?
39. Obviously this was not the sort of “BOO!” your little brother shouts at you from a dark corner; this was the sort of “BOO!” that is an intense expression of an audience’s displeasure. As such, being the showmen that they were, there was no greater poison to a magician as that one three-letter word.
40. For as lovely as it is to have been the very first one to see the potential in Pippa, it is also no small thing to be the last. I may not have seen much in Pippa from the start, but I stand fully corrected. And I shall spend all the rest of my days (which are quite a lot when you’re a book) being her staunchest supporter.
41. Beware! I’ve heard rumors that, in the Chancellor-authorized version circulating throughout Wanderly, Pippa hasn’t a drop of homesickness, Ferdinand arrives fully engulfed in flames, and Oliver’s name isn’t mentioned even once. Can you imagine?
42. Indeed, we all need a bit of reminding from time to time, heroes included.
1. Mud pie was Agnes’s favorite. Lest you nod eagerly because you love it too, let me inform you that Agnes’s mud pie was not the sort you order in a restaurant. It was not even the sandy sort you might make on the playground. It was the real deal. Real, stinking, goopy mud with a few juicy worms tossed in for good measure.
2. But this, of course, was impossible. Like every book in Wanderly, The Book of Evil Deeds was penned by a carefully trained scribe and personally inspected by Wanderly’s infamous ruler, the Chancellor. This was likely why most witches tossed The Book of Evil Deeds out with yesterday’s dinner carcass.
3. Fear not, dear reader! Books rarely lash out of their own accord and instead use their hefty weight merely for defensive purposes.
4. For example, what witch in her right mind would ever giggle instead of cackle? And if a witch couldn’t commit at least three evil deeds a year, was she even a witch at all?