by S. Moose
“When I woke up this morning, I got scared. I didn’t know where you were, and for a second, I thought you left me.”
I turn my head to face him and look into his eyes. The way our eyes hold on one another causes my heart to leap from my chest and not be able to catch my breath. All the insecurities are out the window. The way Clayton’s looking at me, waiting for me to tell him his fears aren’t true, is chipping away at the last remaining walls around my heart.
I smile and lean in to whisper against his lips, “I told you I’m not leaving you. I keep my word. You’re mine, Clayton.”
“Just like you’re mine.”
“Yes.”
His fingers trace along my bottom lip, and he presses his lips on mine for a gentle kiss. “When we first met, I didn’t think anything would happen between us. As you know, I have my own demons, and it scares me to know how much I love you because, Ashley, I love you so damn much. I feel that since you’ve been in my life, my heart’s healing. I’m a better man because of you.”
My body trembles from his kiss and his words. I don’t interrupt him, and he continues.
“I think about you all the time. You’re my first thought in the morning and the last smile I see at night. Not a day goes by when I don’t wonder about our future and what it holds for us. I want to take away all your insecurities and throw them in the ocean because you don’t need to feel that way again. If you do, let me know, let me in, and I’ll heal those feelings like the way you’ve healed my heart.”
I’ve never felt as alive as I do right now. His lips go to mine, and without breaking our kiss, he leads me inside. I wrap my arms around his neck, and he lifts me and carries me into the bedroom. When he places me on the bed, he lifts my shirt and places his lips on my body, fondling my breasts and taking his time to cherish me.
“Oh, yes,” I moan, throwing my head back as my body shudders from this moment.
“I can’t get enough of you,” Clayton tells me as he slides my shorts down my legs and runs his fingers along my entrance. “Always ready for me.”
“Clayton, please.”
He slowly rubs his thumb against my clit and slides two fingers in a way that makes my body scream for more. I’m on cloud nine. That’s the only way to explain the pleasure he’s giving me. He starts moving his fingers faster, pulling me to the edge and letting me fall into a blissful state.
“Tell me, Ashley, what do you want?”
He places his hands on the side of my head, holding himself up, and stares at me. When he lowers himself, we kiss, and I slowly lose myself to him. I don’t want this moment to end.
“I want you to make love to me. I want you to hold me after and tell me how you feel.”
Clayton kisses me again and smiles before slowly pushing himself inside me. I let out a small gasp and pull him down to me. I open my mouth to him and slowly slip my tongue into his mouth. He does the same. Our tongues dance while he finds an even rhythm as he pushes himself inside me.
“You feel so good,” he whispers in my ear while picking up the pace. I hear him moaning with me, and he continues to make sweet love to me. “Don’t leave me.”
“I’ll never leave you, Clayton. I promise.”
Then I feel the buildup, and I dig my nails into his back.
“Shit, Ashley.”
The orgasm builds quickly and takes me down with it. The rush of pleasure sweeps over my body, and in seconds, he’s calling out my name, and my body vibrates from the intensity of him.
He starts to kiss my neck, and I giggle. I love these moments with him. We get up to use the bathroom, and I come back into his bedroom and slip on one of his T-shirts.
“You should wear my shirts more. It looks good on you.”
“You think so?” I twirl around and feel his arms pull me into his chest. “I guess so.”
“I love you, Ashley. More than I’ve ever loved anyone. Hell, I don’t think I’ve been in love. This is new to me. Everything you’re doing is something I haven’t felt.”
I have no idea what to say. I’m speechless. Everything this man is saying is making me love him more.
“I’ve known since the first day you walked into the coffee shop. If you let me love you, I know I’ll love you forever. The way you look at me with your beautiful brown eyes and the way you smile at me when I do something so small. Promise me again that you won’t leave me.”
“I promise.”
I bury my face in his neck, and he holds me for what seems to be forever. This is what love feels like.
I don’t want it to end.
Chapter 7
Ashley
The unexpected can sometimes bring good news. In this case, I’m not sure how to feel. A part of me is happy, and the other part is terrified. I don’t know what to say or what to do. In a few minutes, your life can quickly change. There are so many people in the world who would love to be in my shoes. Once I know everything I need to know, then it’ll be easier to feel safe.
Gina’s sitting with me in the bathroom. We’re both quiet. My head rests on her lap, and I have no idea what to do or what to think. I can’t cry. I can’t do much of anything. The only thing I can do is stare at the two lines.
It’s been six months since Clayton and I have been together.
Six months.
We stopped using condoms because I was on the pill. I never missed a pill. I always took it on time—every day.
“This can’t be happening,” I finally let out. “How is this happening? I’m so careful with my pill especially since we don’t use condoms. I know there are risks when you don’t use a condom, but there are still risks when you do use one.”
“When’s he coming back?”
“Tonight.”
Clayton’s been gone since the team had an away game. Since I was working, I couldn’t join him. The team won last night, and he was happy. The players were in great shape, and no one was injured.
“What am I going to do?”
Gina continues to play with my hair. She knows I won’t terminate the pregnancy. Working with babies every day, I can’t imagine doing that.
“You need to tell him,” she encourages me. “You can’t keep this from him.”
“I know.” I wipe the tears from my eyes. “Everything’s going so well. We get along and are so comfortable with each other. He’s opening to me one hundred percent and has let me in all the way. This pregnancy is going to throw him for a loop. He’s not going to understand.”
“Girl, yes, he is. Don’t think he won’t. He loves you, and you love him.”
We recently said I love you, and I know he does. I know he’ll stay by my side and help me through this. We’re strong, and together, we can handle anything that comes our way.
“Should I go over now?”
“I think so, honey.”
I get up from the bathroom floor and grab my phone from the counter. When I unlock the screen, I find a few messages from him.
Clayton: Hey, babe. Things are going really well. Just had dinner so I should be at my apartment soon. Can you spend the night? I need to see my girl.
Ashley: Hi! Yes, of course. I’m on my way.
I put the phone down and think about how this is going to happen because it’s happening. There’s no denying it.
I’m pregnant.
Using my key, I let myself into Clayton’s apartment. He comes around the corner and instantly smiles when he sees me.
“Congratulations on the amazing win. How are you feeling?”
He rushes over and picks me up, spinning me. “Great. The guys are in good spirits. You missed Will. He dropped me off and came in for a second. He was telling me that you and Meg are friends. That’s awesome.”
“Yeah, I met her a few weeks ago. I didn’t think we were at the same hospital, and I didn’t think to ask you. She’s so nice.”
“She is. We should go on a double-date with them. Next time you see Meg, make sure you plan something with her. It’ll be fun.”
I nod. That’s the only thing I can do. I let out a breath and breathe in again. I watch the way Clayton excitedly tells me about the team, and this win. It’s monumental. Plus, all the players are healthy, which is a first.
“I’m meeting with the coaches tomorrow morning to talk more about what needs to be done to get the team in better health. It’s crazy. This is the first time in years that no one is hurt. I didn’t think I could do it. They’re working hard on the stretches.”
“I’m so happy for you.” I muster the words out of my mouth before taking a deep breath. This is something I need to do. There’s no way I can hide this from him. I keep my tone light and happy. “I have something to tell you, and I don’t know where to start.”
Clayton’s brows furrow, and concern is etched on his face. “Babe, what’s going on? You okay? You look a little pale. Do you want me to make you tea?”
“I’m pregnant.”
That just happened. The bomb is out of my hands and it can either explode with anger or it’ll be deactivated, and we’ll celebrate the news. It didn’t go the way I wanted, but it happened. It’s out there, and he knows. The universe has the news, and I pray he’s going to be understanding and stick by my side.
“What?” Clayton bursts out laughing. “That’s funny. You’re a jokester.”
“What? No. I’m not joking. Clayton, I took seven tests. I mean, I still have to go to the doctor to make sure, but I’m pregnant. There’s no joking about this. I wouldn’t joke about this.”
He quickly gets up from the couch and paces the living room with his hands on his head. I feel bad for doing this. Maybe I should’ve kept it to myself and broken up with him. It would’ve saved me from seeing him distraught. He’s not happy about the pregnancy and I hate myself for causing us stress.
“I’m sorry. I mean, I took my pills on time every day. I don’t know how this could’ve happened.”
“You’re probably still early or whatever. It’s not a big deal. Go to your doctor, confirm it, and then you know what to do.”
“What? I don’t know what you mean.”
Clayton laughs and sits back down. “You can’t be serious. We haven’t been together for long. We’re not even living with each other. My career is starting to grow. I can’t have this happening to me.”
“Happening to you?” I repeat and move back from him. “This is happening to us. I didn’t do this on my own. You’re a part of this too.”
“I can’t be a dad, Ashley. We’re twenty-three years old. We’re not having a baby. I’m not ready to be a dad.”
I get up from the couch. I can’t be near him. This is insane. The man I love is telling me he can’t be a dad to his own child.
“I’m scared too, but we made a baby together. I don’t know what you want me to say. You told me you’d love me forever. I let you all the way in. The walls around my heart are gone because of you. Did you even mean what you said to me that morning in your bedroom?”
“Of course, I did. I never lied to you about loving you.”
I rush over to his side and grab his hand, holding on for dear life. “Then love me. Love us.”
“Tell me you’ll take care of the problem.”
“Problem?” I’m shocked at his choice of words. Immediately, I release his hand and walk away from him. “Our baby isn’t a problem.”
“It’s a huge problem. I need time away. We need a break. This isn’t happening to me.” Clayton moves away from me and leaves me standing alone in the middle of his living room. “I’m twenty-three years old. I can’t have a baby.”
The door to his bedroom slams shut, and I realize how alone I am. Placing my hand on my stomach, I make my way to the door and let it shut behind me. My emotions are frozen, and my mind won’t allow me to process what’s happening. I can’t break down now. There’s someone else I need to be healthy and strong for.
“It’s us against the world, baby—you and me. I won’t ever leave you or let you down. I promise.”
Chapter 8
Clayton
Five years later
Defining moments.
We’re given choices, and each choice represents a different route your life can take, depending on what you choose. The routes are lessons, and each route, or lesson, teaches you something you didn’t think you would need to know. It can bring clarity or confuse you further, making you jump through more obstacles to get the answers you’re seeking. It’s an interesting turn of events.
Moments.
And when those moments stay with you and haunt your every thought and movement, you step back and wonder if the choices you made are the right ones.
It’s one of the oldest sayings, how we’re given these choices and how it’ll shape the direction of our path, and how the direction reflects our choice.
These moments provide us with a choice we need to make. A choice that defines us. Sometimes we go down the path, then steer toward another path because the decision we thought was right, that moment of definition changes, and we’re left with another defining moment. At that moment, we have two choices.
Back then, I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I was making the right choice, and my path was paved for me. I was scared when I found out the truth. Everything I worked hard for was flying by me, and all I saw was a bum—a disappointment.
She was my regret. The burning pain of watching her leave and realizing she wasn’t coming back pushed me over the edge, and I was falling without landing. I was young and fucking scared. I was scared of what a baby would do to my life. I was scared of failing and not living up to be the father I had.
Mostly, I was scared of losing her.
Letting her walk out of my life changed me. Seeing the pain in her eyes when I told her to take care of the problem broke my soul. That look, it stayed with me, and I wasn’t ever able to shake it off. There were a million reasons why I should’ve reached out to her and see how she was doing. See how my baby was doing. Something stopped me every time. I was always going to be a reminder that I broke her heart and she didn’t need me around. I convinced myself I was the monster and letting her go was the best decision.
But I was never able to let her go.
She was and still is my defining moment.
If only I could accept the loneliness.
The emptiness.
I can’t embrace it. Our story isn’t over. There are chapters without us, but now I’m here and I’m going to do everything I can to make things right. Our story will never be over. My plans to see her again, to see my child, to convince her we can be in each other’s lives, that’s what’s going to continue the chapters of our story.
I stand in the middle of the football field, taking a deep breath as I look out over the green fields with white markers. The pang of missing the cheers from the crowds and seeing the team score, I miss it.
Man, there’s something special about being here again—the smell of fresh-cut grass. The empty stands waiting to be filled with drunk and happy fans, cheering for their team to bring it home. I can see Will Hail Marying it down the field to make a touchdown. As I stand here, proud of the team I worked with, it brings me back to the past.
I rub my hand over my face, trying to clear my head and remember why I’m here and why I’m standing where I am.
This is home.
I left five years ago to go back home to Spokane to be there for my family. There wasn’t a second thought I had. My family needed me. Without giving it a second thought, I packed my things and left the place I calling home.
Being back here is calming and peaceful. For the first time, for as long as I can remember, I can breathe. My mind is my own, and nothing is holding me back. It’s been a week, and something’s unsettling inside me. The air surrounding me is quiet and filled with the weight of regret.
A beautiful woman with long brown hair and the eyes I used to fall deeper in love with one look. I remember her perfectly. Every crooked smile or silly laugh. I remember t
he way she’d sigh after making love and feeling her in my arms, feeling her heartbeat in the middle of the night as she slept soundly, and I watched her. This perfect angel was sent to me and saved me.
“Hey, man.” I look over and see Will coming my way. “How’s it feel to be back?”
I shake his hand and nod. “Great. Thanks for helping me out. I appreciate it.”
“No problem. Got a plan yet?”
I wondered about the plan while I drove back to Seattle. This plan was in my head for the past five years since I let her walk out my door, and I didn’t go after her. I can still remember the moment I found out about my baby.
“I hear congratulations are in order.”
I look at Will and raise a brow. “What?”
“You’re a dad. How the hell don’t you know?”
“Fuck,” I mutter and rush out of the office and to my car. The blood drains from my face, and I go on autopilot. I become light-headed, and I’m barely able to keep my hands steady.
Never have I hated myself more than I do now. She’s alone, and it’s my fault. I should’ve been there for her. I should’ve said something, anything to make things right. This isn’t right. I count from the night she told me to today, and she’s early. My foot automatically presses harder on the gas, and I switch lanes to pass all the slower drivers.
“Come on!” I shout and continue to focus. My goal’s to get to the hospital.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I ignore it. Nothing matters right now. The only thing that matters is being with Ashley and our baby.
Our baby.
I enter through the emergency room and find a nurse, rattling the information about Ashley and how I need to see her and our baby; that I’m a father, and I need to see them.
I follow the directions and gather the courage I need to see them. I’m preparing a speech in my head, ready to grovel and get on my knees to make her see how sorry I am and how I want to be a part of her life and our baby’s life. I’m not the idiot she last saw.