by S. Moose
“Thank you for making this for me. I’ll look at it tonight.” I let go of the album, and my hand falls back to my lap. “I’m going to be blunt and not skirt around what’s going on.”
“Okay.”
“I want to meet Alex. I can’t leave this alone, and I won’t. I’ve missed out on my son’s life, and I want to change that. Can you tell me more about him?”
The way he says his name makes me sick.
“You left me. You left us. Clayton, you hurt me that day when I walked away. You told me to take care of the problem. I can’t allow you to hurt Alex the way you hurt me.” My voice is hoarse as if I’ve been singing at the top of my lungs for hours, screaming out the lyrics.
Clayton looks discouraged as he shoves his hands into his pockets, shifting his gaze from me to the ground. I don’t want to focus on him. The problem is I can’t help it. Even though it’s been six years, it still feels the same, like we were never apart. When his gaze moves to me, my breath hitches, and his touch lingers, tattooing its mark on my skin.
“I can accept that, but please know, a boy needs his father, and I’m willing to make things right. I want to be a part of his life and yours.”
There are so many words going through my mind. I had a list of things I wanted to say and the order I wanted to say them.
That is until Clayton opens his mouth again.
“I love him, Ashley, and I still love you. No matter what, I’m always going to love you.” His hand lifts to his chest, resting against the side where his heart beats. “This is where you belong. This is where you and Alex belong.”
“How can you love him?” I shout and stand from the chair. “How? You don’t know him the way I do.” My tone turns accusatory. “You weren’t there when his heart beats filled the room. You weren’t there when I heard him crying for the first time. You weren’t there when he took his first breath. You weren’t there for his first cold or when he said “mama” or when he started crawling, walking, and running. You missed out on all his firsts.”
“I know.” Clayton stands as well and keeps his distance. “I know. You don’t need to stand there and remind me of everything I missed. I regret the way I told you to leave. It’s always been on my mind. I want to know everything, but Ashley, I couldn’t bring myself to write you back or call you.”
“Why now?”
“I’m here now because I’ve realized I missed out on the most precious years with you and our son. I needed to leave Seattle and headed home.” I pause and gather what I need to say. “My dad had a stroke. It was touch and go for a while. He was in the hospital, and my mom was a wreck. She wasn’t able to focus on anything, so I did what I had to do. It was a long road to recovery for him. I took his place at the company, and from there, I stayed with my family, helped my mother, and made sure he got back on his feet. From there, Nolan and I began planning our company, and once my dad was healthy again, we brought the company to life here in Seattle.”
“I’m sorry about your dad. I’m glad he’s healthy. Listen, I get that you had to leave and be there for your family. I won’t hold that against you. You still should’ve tried to reach out and let me know you wanted to meet him and be there.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that.” He steps closer, and I’m frozen where I’m standing. “I know I should’ve been there for you. I’m sorry. I had to keep my head clear and run a business. I had no idea what I was doing. There was this weight on my chest, and I had to do things right. I don’t want to miss out on more years. Please. Please, can you reconsider?”
I shake my head, biting my lower lip, trying to piece together everything he’s asking. The heartbreak that is Clayton Turner is still there. I’ll never forget his demeanor when he told me to take care of the problem. Standing here with Clayton and listening to him plead to be in our lives isn’t happening. My fingers rub my forehead, pushing away the pending headache.
“No.”
“No?”
“Why do you care?” I fire, and once those words leave my lips, Clayton’s appearance changes. His eyes are shooting darts into mine. “Huh? Why?”
“Because.” His tone is dangerously low. “Because I’m trying to make things right, and I want to take the high road and talk to you. I want to be a part of his life. It may be too late for you to forgive me, but it’s not too late for a father to be in his son’s life. He’s my son.”
“I thought he was your problem. I mean, isn’t that what you referred to him as?”
“Yes,” he states. “Yes, I did. I’m man enough to say I fucked up, and I shouldn’t have let you walk out the door.” The hurt is evident in his tone, and it’s tearing me apart. “Please give me a chance, Ashley. That’s all I’m asking. You make the calls. You tell me when I can see him and for how long. I’m only asking for a chance to be the man, to be the father, I know I can be.”
“I need time to think about this,” I tell him and take a few steps back. “Please. That’s all I ask. Give me time to process you being back and wanting to see Alex.”
“That’s fair. I’ll give you time. Thank you. Truly, I appreciate you giving this a chance.”
The only thing I can do is smile and walk out the door. Once the night air hits my face, I break down and let out the tears I’ve been holding in. Clutching my chest as I cry, I try to breathe.
I don’t hear the door open, but I sense him before feeling his arms wrap around my waist, pulling me back against his chest, and his lips kiss the top of my head.
Chapter 17
Ashley
The next morning, I lay in bed, trying to piece together what happened last night and why I couldn’t bring myself to let him back in. Seeing him again brought back how I felt when he let me walk out of his life. I waited by his door for a few minutes, not fully realizing what was happening, and then it hit me that we were over.
Hearing his apologies opens old wounds. The wounds I’ve tried to forget and not look at. It doesn’t change that he had a choice, and he chose not to contact me. I’m not heartless. I’m not an understanding person. He had to be there for his family. It’s what I would’ve done as well, but to ignore me and not try to reach out. It doesn’t make sense.
How can he expect to slide back into my life?
How can he expect me to let him get to know Alex?
I’m not stupid. I know he’s his son, and I knew this would happen one day. I didn’t think I’d react this way. I thought I would be stronger and confident but having him near me pushed away all the confidence I had and replaced it with feeling small and insignificant. Then it hits me.
The knowledge he’s back and understanding I can’t keep him away from his son strikes me. This isn’t who I am, and this isn’t someone I want to be. Keeping Alex away from Clayton would hurt him in the long run. One day, he’ll ask me what happened, and I’ll have to tell him I made the decision to keep him away from his dad. Just the idea of how he’ll react breaks my heart. It’ll be cruel.
As a mother, I need to not only keep him safe but also show him how to forgive those who’ve hurt us.
If we’re going to talk about this, then he needs to be here, on my field, where I can feel safe and not feel the walls closing in on me.
Grabbing my phone, I text Clayton and ask him to come over. His response is quick.
Clayton: I’ll be right over.
It’s those four words that make me spring out of bed and rush to the bathroom, so I don’t look like the walking dead and somewhat presentable. The dark bags under my eyes need to be covered. I don’t want him thinking I can’t handle working and raising Alex because I can handle whatever life throws at me.
For example, Clayton Turner coming back into my life.
I pinch the bridge of my nose when I hear the doorbell ring. I mutter a quick prayer and head toward the door. Opening it, I see him standing a few feet away.
“Hey.”
I open the door wider. “Come in.” My stomach balls in a knot when he steps into my h
ome that I built for Alex. The door shuts, and I follow a few steps behind him. “So, this is our home. It’s not much…”
“You built a home for our son. That’s what matters. You don’t need anything fancy to make me happy.” Clayton slowly approaches me. “You’ve done a great job, Ashley.”
When I look up, his burning eyes are on me, and as much as I want to say something, anything, nothing comes out.
“I should’ve walked into that hospital room. When I saw him next to you, I assumed you had moved on with your life, and I didn’t want to mess up anything. I know I let you walk away, and that’ll be one of the biggest regrets I have in my life. That, and abandoning our son.”
His eyes close as if the pain from his words is too much to handle. Too hard to control and too hard to release.
“I want to make things right.”
I nod. “I know you do.” We’re standing before one another, and I take Clayton in. He was always tall and muscular, but now, after all these years, he’s grown more and looks stronger. “We should sit down and talk.”
“Lead the way.”
Walking into the living room, I sit in the recliner. Clayton looks at my choices and sits on the loveseat next to me.
“Is he here?”
I shake my head. “I had my mom take him out on an errand. They should be here soon. I wanted some time alone with you before introducing you to Alex. I needed some more time.”
“Yeah, of course. I get it.” He pauses and looks around the living room, his attention on the pictures of Alex. “Tell me about him.”
“Well, he’s five years old, and he’s your typical kid. He loves sports, football specifically. He’s great with numbers and likes to be organized. He’s responsible for a child. He cleans up after himself and enjoys reading. He plays a lot, whether it’s with his figurines, cars, or pretend play. He likes to pretend to be the quarterback and will Hail Mary the football.” I smile as I talk about Alex. “His reading level is astounding, and he’s a hard worker.”
“A perfect mix of you and me.”
“Yeah,” I whisper. “He’s so much like you, Clayton. Determined, intelligent, and broody.”
“I’m not broody.”
I smirk. “You are.” The longing in his eyes leaves me failing at words. “So when you meet him, just be yourself. He’s going to have questions for you, so be ready. He’s very curious for his age and asks so many questions. Sometimes, I wonder if he’s really five years old.”
“Of course. I’m ready.” I watch him wipe his hands over his jean-clad thighs. “This really is a beautiful house, Ashley. It’s you to a T.”
This entire time without him has left me wondering what life would be like if he stayed. If he came after me.
A feeling inside me brightens, and life would’ve been a fairy tale.
“I know I said this before, but I need you to understand how much regret I have. I should’ve swallowed my pride and fought for you.”
My eyes close with the words I’m hearing. Yes, he’s said this before, but today, it’s hitting me harder. I take a few deep breaths, trying to steady myself and keep an even tone.
“Alex truly is an amazing boy. He’s the light of my life and has taught me so much about myself. I’d like you to meet him. I want to trust you, and have you play a part in his life. Alex deserves it, and I think you do too.”
Clayton covers his face with his hands as if hearing me telling him I want him to be part of our lives is too much to handle. I don’t say anything. I let him take in what I’ve said and wait for him to respond.
My eyes close again. I silently pray I’m making the right decision. It’s important to me because it’s not only my life on the line. It’s Alex’s too.
When I open my eyes, Clayton is staring at me. Emotions are prevalent in the way he’s looking at me. There’s a glimmer of hope in his eyes.
“I’d want nothing more than to be in our son’s life. I’m going to make things right, Ashley.” He gets up from the chair and kneels before me, placing his hands on my trembling knees. “I’m going to make things right.” He repeats. “No matter what happens, I won’t turn my back and let you and Alex go like I did before. Both of you are my life, and I’ll do anything, everything I can to ensure you’ll both feel my love.”
“Just don’t break us. Please, Clayton.”
He places his head on my knees and lets out a breath. “I’d rather die than leave you and Alex again.”
Chapter 18
Clayton
It’s the two of us here at her house. I’m nervous, and I know I shouldn’t be. I’m meeting my son for the first time today. Sitting here, listening to her talk about him, and seeing pictures of him causes a tightness in my chest. I’ve missed out on so much. I vow not to miss out on his life. I’ll be the father he deserves.
The door opens and closes, and I hear the pitter-patter of steps.
“You’re really here.”
I smile and get up from the couch to see Alex stand before me. “Hi, Alex.”
“Is that him?” Alex looks at Ashley and then to me. “Are you my dad?”
I kneel so I’m eye level with my son, taking him in for the first time. Pride swells in my chest, and my imagination of the adventures Alex and I will be on comes to my mind.
I look at Ashley, seeking approval so I can tell him the truth. She nods slightly and turns her attention to our son.
Our son.
“Hi, Alex. Yes, I’m your dad. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you for a while.”
I’m stuck with the magnitude of the word.
Dad.
Waves of love, admiration, and protection sweep through me. A sense of pride floods me. I’m going to protect Alex and teach him, encourage him, and love him. I’m going to be there by his side and show him never to give up on his dreams. He needs to see me as a man of my word. I can’t break any promises to him. I can’t let him down.
Like I already have.
“Where have you been?” He’s quiet for a moment. “I told my best friend about you. He said you’re a deadbeat like his dad. What’s a deadbeat?”
Well, fuck me. That’s not how I want my son to refer to me as.
“Alex, why don’t we go outside, and you can show your dad your playground?” she suggests and leads the way outside.
The three of us gather on her patio, and I watch the way Alex watches me. His features strike a resemblance to me. He has the Turner smile and nose. My parents are going to love the idea of having a grandchild. I’m sure I’ll never hear the end of it.
I watch where Ashley sits and sees she takes the chair opposite me, and Alex hops onto her lap. I’m adjacent to her and watch the way Alex clings onto his mother. Never did I doubt she’d be able to give him a great life.
That’s one of the things I love about Ashley. It’s her nurturing heart and soul. She’s made to be a mother.
“You didn’t answer my question before. Are you a deadbeat?”
Fuck.
I’ve missed years of his life, so yeah, I guess I am a deadbeat father.
“Alex,” Ashley whispers and shakes her head. “That’s not polite to say. I don’t want you saying that word.”
Alex nods his head and replies with an apology. He looks back at me. “Where have you been?”
I shake my head. “I was with my parents and brother for a few years. I didn’t get a chance to come back to Seattle to meet you, and for that, I’ll always be sorry.” I pause and look at Ashley. She eyes me then looks at Alex. He’s watching me again. “I may have missed a lot of your life, but I promise I won’t do that again. I want to get to know you and be friends with your mom if that’s okay with you?”
Alex looks at her for a moment and climbs off her lap, making his way to me. I’m not sure what to expect.
“My mom says when you say something, you should mean it. Do you mean it?”
“Yes. I mean it, Alex. I don’t want to miss out on any more of your life. Do you th
ink that’ll be okay?”
He shrugs. “I guess so. If Mommy’s okay with it, then it’s okay. I hear Mommy crying a lot. Is she crying because of you?”
Yes. She’s crying because I’m a fucked-up asshole, but I won’t hurt her again.
“Alex, come to the kitchen and help Grandma make cookies.”
“Okay, Grandma.” Alex turns his attention to me. “Nice to meet you. I don’t know if I can call you dad. I think it might hurt Mommy’s feelings. My grandma says I shouldn’t call you dad. Who should I listen to?”
I place my hand on his shoulder and pat it. “You do what you think is right. There’s no right or wrong answer.”
He shrugs again. “Okay. Cool.” Without a beat, he heads in the direction of the kitchen, leaving me alone with Ashley.
We watch Alex go into the house with his grandma. She’s not a fan of mine, and I don’t blame her. She’s protecting her family, and I would do the same.
“So that was fun. I told you he’d ask a lot of questions.”
“I won’t be known as a deadbeat father.” I look toward the door where my son is with his grandma. “A deadbeat. Fuck.”
“I know you’re feeling guilty, and I can’t say anything that’ll help you, but take it for what it is and be better. Be the man you told me you want to be.”
“Trust me. I will be that man.” I turn my attention to her. “Once my parents are back from Italy, I’m going to tell them about Alex. Nolan already knows everything. When you’re ready, I’d like to have you and Alex meet Nolan then move onto my parents. Only when you’re ready. I figured we’d build some kind of relationship first, and then I can bring them here, or we can go to dinner. My brother is excited.”
“I bet they’re going to be pissed at you.”
I shrug. “Pissed wouldn’t be the right word. How they’ll feel, well, the word hasn’t been invented. Let’s just say, I’m going to be on my parents shit list as soon as I tell them.”