by M. S. Parker
I shook my head. “Even if she would forgive me, a relationship isn’t in the cards for me.”
“And why not?”
Maybe it was because I was tired, and I’d been so worried about Nana Naz that I was just now coming down from the adrenaline. Maybe it was because it was Israel and not my parents. Whatever the reason, I replied with the actual reason that’d been in the back of my mind since March.
“Because it’s not right. Me getting to be happy, dating, all the stuff that Leo should be here doing.”
Israel stared at me for several long seconds before smacking the back of my head. “You’re just really working at being an idiot, aren’t you?”
I didn’t know why his response surprised me, only that it did. How could Israel be okay with me getting to do all these things that Leo would never do?
“Nana Naz and I want you to live life.” Israel’s voice grew thick. “Are we sad that Leo didn’t get the chance to fall in love, get married, have kids? Yes. But that doesn’t mean we think no one else should get to be happy. Especially you. And that’s what Leo wanted too.”
Before I could argue with him, he pulled his phone from his pocket.
“Let me show you something.” He pulled up what looked like a video. “I got it a couple days after.”
I didn’t need him to say after what. There was a before and after for me too, and it was the same point in time.
Even though I guessed who was on the video, it was still a jolt to see Leo’s face on that screen. I braced myself for what hearing his voice would do, and then I pressed play.
“Hey, Dad.”
Fuck, that hurt.
“I was really hoping you’d never have to see this, but I had to plan for the worst. I make one of these before every tour. Eoin and I have an agreement about what happens if one of us makes it home and the other doesn’t, but with us being together out there, there’s a chance both of us could…you know. So, I needed to have a back-up, and this is it.”
A lump formed in my throat as Leo talked about how much he loved his dad and grandmother, and I wondered why Israel had said I needed to see it, how this was supposed to make me feel better. But I wasn’t going to stop watching it. A part of me thought I deserved all the pain it caused.
“The other reason I made this video is because there are some things that, if Eoin made it back and I didn’t, he needs to know.”
Fuck.
“Guess that means it’s time to talk to you now, brother.”
I wanted to close my eyes. Turn off the video. Not hear that familiar voice. But I refused to take the coward’s way out. I watched, and I listened.
“Eoin, I know you’re taking care of Dad and Nana Naz, just like I’d take care of your parents if your Brady Bunch siblings couldn’t hack it. I don’t need to remind you of our promises to each other. What I do need to tell you is this…live. I’m asking Dad and Nana Naz to look after you too because I know you. You’re going to blame yourself, no matter what the circumstances, and you’re going to convince yourself that you shouldn’t ever have fun again. You’ll fight happiness tooth and nail.”
Dammit. He did know me. The hand not holding the phone flexed, curled into a fist.
“You wouldn’t want me moping and brooding, sitting on my ass – sorry, Nana Naz – if our positions were reversed. Enjoy Evanne and the mass quantities of other siblings when the rest of the Grace bunch start popping them out. Find a woman who’ll take pity on your sorry a-butt and have a couple kids of your own. Name them after me. All of them. Girls and boys. Foreman did, right?”
Israel laughed quietly.
“I mean it, Eoin. You give my dad a daughter-in-law and some grandkids for me. When you finally get out of the army, use that brain and talent of yours to make a difference in this world. You’re destined for great things, brother. Don’t forget it.”
Leo ended the video by repeating that he loved all of us, and then that was it. It ended with him smiling that same smile he got from Israel. It hurt, seeing him, but I couldn’t look away.
I was still staring at the screen when someone came into the room.
“Excuse me.”
I looked up to see a nurse standing on the other side of the bed. She wore an apologetic smile.
“I’m sorry, but it’s past visiting hours.” She glanced at Israel. “We can only let immediate family stay overnight.”
“He is family,” Israel said. “He’s my son.”
My chest tightened with more emotion than I knew how to handle.
“Of course.” She turned to me. “Stay as long as you want.”
I nodded, not trusting my voice to speak. I’d stay until Israel and Nana Naz were okay with me leaving, and then I’d honor my friend – my brother – by doing as he asked. I’d live.
And I knew exactly where I needed to start.
Four
Aline
I couldn’t exactly say that my life had been better over the last couple days, but it hadn’t been worse either. Definitely different, but if I was honest, I hadn’t had a ‘normal’ day since before Freedom and I had gone to Iran. Before the trip, I’d hoped that I’d come home a different person, a person with a wider worldview, a new take on my life, but I hadn’t expected any of this.
It was…weird.
Once I’d told Martina the whole sordid story, including why I’d walked out, she’d immediately said that I could stay with her as long as I needed to, and that she’d help me with whatever I decided to do next. I still wasn’t entirely sure what that was going to be, but knowing that she would give me time let me relax more than I had since I’d woken up to Freedom moaning in pain because of her appendix.
I had a list of things that I needed to do, but the problem was, two of the major life decisions depended on the other, and I was unsure which I wanted to make first. Where I was going to work and where I was going to live. As much as I hated to admit it, I had been thinking along the lines of being wherever Freedom was just because that was how things had always been.
While I did think that my family didn’t give me nearly enough credit for being able to take care of myself, I had to assume at least some of the blame as I’d not done much to prove otherwise. The majority of my life, there’d been little I’d wanted to do differently, and I hadn’t foreseen the precedent I’d been setting by going along with so much.
I still wanted to teach. That hadn’t changed. And I still liked the idea of working in lower-income schools. What I didn’t know, exactly, was where I wanted to live.
L.A. had its appeal since I was familiar with the city, and Martina was here. My parents were here too, just in case, even if I did loathe the idea of having to go to them if I wasn’t as competent as I believed myself to be.
Stanford was also familiar, but I didn’t know if that was where Freedom would be, and the idea of being near her was more distasteful than being near my parents. At some point, I would need to address the issue because I didn’t think that this was worth completely writing off my family, but I wasn’t ready to forgive them yet, and I didn’t know when I would be.
Maybe what I needed to do was not factor my family into any decision-making. Was that how normal people did it? I didn’t know. I’d never been ‘normal,’ and I’d never felt it as deeply as I did right now.
When people heard that I’d skipped grades and graduated college so young, they were always impressed, complimentary, but most people didn’t realize that there were negatives to living life and growing at a different pace. Like being a minor in college who didn’t have the same sort of break that other graduates had when they went to college. With me, because of Freedom, it hadn’t even happened after I’d turned eighteen.
“Aline, can you get some more lip gloss samples from the back?”
Martina’s question pulled me out of my head, and I nodded before heading to the storage room. I’d be forever indebted to her for everything she’d done for me, including this job. After we’d talked on Friday, s
he’d told me that the boutique where she worked was looking for some holiday help. I didn’t need the money, but I also didn’t have a job history or anything specific to do to distract me, so I’d happily accepted.
Or, at least, accepted with a somewhat positive outlook.
I’d never really given much thought to working retail since I hadn’t needed a job during school, and my field wasn’t business or anything like that, so post-college employment had never been a concern. Elementary school teachers weren’t unicorn-rare or a dime a dozen, but since I’d already completed my master’s degree, I’d known I’d be going into the job market with an advantage.
But here I was, working in a store less than a month before Christmas. It wasn’t too bad. Then again, it wasn’t as busy as a typical store must’ve been around this time. Not a lot of need to push and shove to get the last custom-made bustier.
Silverton Designs had few things available for walk-ins. Most of the clientele set up appointments to have personally tailored clothes made and then have their hair and makeup done by professionals while they waited. Definitely not the sort of place that ended up on the news on Black Friday because three aggressive soccer moms got into a fistfight over the latest electronic wonder.
I was still smiling at the mental image when I arrived at the front counter with a handful of the samples, but it only lasted as long as it took me to recognize the man standing just off to the side.
“Eoin?” My hands were shaking as I put the lip gloss in the right box, but I was unsure if it was from anger or something else.
“Aline.” He took a step forward.
I looked at Martina. “Tell him to go away.”
She leaned close enough that I could hear her despite how low she’d pitched her voice. Her tone was gentle but firm. “Sorry, but you need to handle this yourself. I’ll have your back, and if he tries anything, he’ll regret it, but if he’s just here to talk, then you need to talk to him.”
I sighed. She was right. I wanted my family to treat me like an adult, which meant I needed to be one. Eoin wasn’t violent, and he wouldn’t try to intimidate me, so it wasn’t as if I needed assistance because I was frightened of him. I just didn’t want to deal with the conversation he clearly wanted to have, but adults had to do a lot of things they didn’t want to do.
Maybe I’d made a mistake in wanting to be treated like an adult.
“Take a break,” Martina said. “Go talk to him.”
I nodded and looked toward Eoin. “Wait for me at the table out front. I’ll be out in a minute.”
I waited until he went through the door before letting myself take a few seconds to at least attempt to prepare myself.
“He’s not gonna try something stupid, is he?” Martina asked with a frown. “He’s a big guy. Maybe I should–”
“He won’t hurt me,” I told her. “And you’re right, I need to talk to him.”
Even though I firmly believed what I said, a part of me still hoped that he’d be gone and I could just avoid the whole unpleasant ordeal. It was weak and cowardly of me, but the way my stomach was twisting and roiling, I couldn’t help feeling that way.
When I came out, he was leaning against the wall. Though he immediately straightened, he didn’t try to come closer. I sat in one of the chairs and gestured for him to join me. It wasn’t until he settled across from me that I realized how drawn his face was. Concern drove away my reluctance.
“Are you okay?”
“That’s not an easy question to answer,” he said with a wry smile. “And before I try to start, I need to apologize. Again. I shouldn’t have ghosted you. Even if I left to avoid a confrontation with your sister, I should have called and talked to you about what happened.”
That seemed like a good place to begin, and as I owed him an apology as well, I seized the opportunity.
“I have to apologize to you too,” I said, feeling the blush rising in my cheeks. “Even if I hadn’t been thinking clearly enough the first night we slept together to tell you that I was a virgin, I should’ve told you the second night. Like how you’d been honest about the fact that we hadn’t used a condom. Heat of the moment is only an excuse once.”
He scratched at the stubble on his jawline. “We’ve really fucked things up, haven’t we?”
I could’ve answered that question several different ways, but it was the flash of pain in his eyes that made me decide what I would say.
“Maybe we need to stop trying to do this the way everyone else does and just…go with what feels natural.”
Surprise, then happiness, lit up his face. “Really?”
The unease I’d felt vanished, replaced with a mixture of relief and anticipation. “Yes, really.”
Two women glanced our way before entering the boutique.
“I need to get back, but I meant what I said.”
“Then can I take you to dinner when you get off work?”
I studied his face for several moments. “If you’ll answer a couple questions for me.”
“All right.”
“How did you find me?”
His smile held the sort of confidence that bordered on cockiness. “It’s what I do. I find people. And it’s not the first time I’ve had to find you.”
I had to laugh at that, even though my next question was the more serious of the two burning inside me.
“Did my family hire you to find me?”
His smile softened. “No, it’s all me. But I did know that you weren’t at your parents’ house.”
“Because you went there first?” I almost wanted to ask him what they’d said, how they’d explained my absence, but another part of me didn’t want to know.
He shook his head. “No, actually, that’d be your sister. She, uh, came to the agency, and well, she yelled at Cain and me, said that it was my fault you left.”
I rolled my eyes. “It wasn’t you. But I don’t want to talk about Freedom or what happened when I left. Not now, anyway.”
“All right.”
I had one more thing I needed to know. “Are you going to tell them where I am? I mean, if Freedom comes back. I know you won’t go to them, but if Freedom comes to you and asks, will you tell her?”
“No.” He reached out and lightly touched my arm. “I won’t share anything unless you specifically tell me to.”
“Good answer.” I smiled, pleasure and relief and something much sexier surging through me. “You can pick me up here at six.”
Five
Eoin
I’d honestly been prepared for Aline to tell me to fuck off. I hadn’t handled anything with her well from the moment we’d met. I hadn’t hurt her physically, and I had saved her life, but I’d fucked up the rest of it. Badly. But Israel had been right. Sort of. I didn’t think I loved her, but now I was starting to think that I could. Someday. Maybe even someday soon.
All I knew for sure was I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t try. Not only because I needed to honor Leo and the other men who died by living life, but because I could see a future now. A real one.
A good one.
With her.
I’d make this work, starting with dinner. Which was harder than it sounded. I couldn’t just pick some random L.A. restaurant since I had no idea if the food would be shit, and the only one I knew of was where we’d had our first date. The place had been great, and we didn’t exactly have bad memories of the place, but I didn’t want to do anything that felt like going back over what we’d already done. We could go back there some other time, but tonight, we needed a fresh start. A real one.
Instead of asking Bruce for another suggestion, I did some web surfing and came up with The Mar Vista. Nice, but not the sort of place that had a tie and jacket requirement. Somewhere Aline wouldn’t mind coming to straight from work, but special enough for this to be an official date and not just two friends picking up fast food or takeout.
On the way to the restaurant, we talked about why she’d left her parents’ house, wit
h her giving me the whole story and me telling her what Freedom had said to Cain and me. It wasn’t the sort of polite small talk that people usually had on early dates, but we’d agreed to stop using other people’s standards and expectations to tell us how we should act.
After we’d ordered our meals, she flipped the conversation around.
“Now you know what I’ve been doing since we last saw each other. What about you?”
Immediately, my mind went to Nana Naz, and then I realized that I could talk to Aline about what’d happened. I’d told her about Leo so I didn’t need to go through all of that, and she could be objective because she didn’t know Israel or Nana Naz.
“My friend,” I began, “the one who…we promised each other that we’d look after each other’s families if one of us made it back and the other didn’t. His grandma, Nana Naz, ended up in the hospital on Friday.”
“Oh no.”
The concern on Aline’s face warmed me without making me feel like she was pitying me.
“She’s okay,” I reassured her. “But it freaked Israel – Leo’s dad – out enough for him to call me. She got dizzy and then passed out, so he called 911. Her blood pressure dropped suddenly. Turns out she was dehydrated and had low blood sugar. She had to stay overnight for some tests, but she went back home yesterday afternoon. She has to monitor what she eats and how much water she drinks now, but she’ll be okay. Scared the shit out of me and Israel, though.”
“It’s terrifying when something like that happens to someone you’ve always thought of as invincible,” she said. “This past spring, my dad had a heart attack, and it came as a huge shock to Freedom and me. It’s one thing to know your dad’s in his early seventies, but it’s another to realize what that means in terms of health and mortality.”
“He’s okay now?”
She nodded. “He is, and Mom’s been watching him like a hawk. She hasn’t really said much to me about how worried she was, but she seems a lot more aware of the nine-year age difference between the two of them than she had before.”