by M. S. Parker
And, suddenly, an idea popped into my head. Part of an idea, anyway. It just might be what I needed, but I had work to do if I was going to pull it off.
Instead of taking another beer out of the fridge, I reached for water. I could handle this with one beer in me but getting buzzed was no longer an option. I had shit that needed done.
Twenty-Four
Aline
I hadn’t thrown up yet, which meant the morning wasn’t going too badly, but my night had been restless enough that I was still exhausted. I’d tossed and turned, constantly in that weird place where I was sleeping but knew I was sleeping.
The worst part was that I hadn’t even been able to focus my thoughts enough to get any real thinking done. I’d start in one place and end up on some crazy tangent that made absolutely no sense and didn’t even connect to my original thought in the first place.
It went something like this…
At some point around two or three in the morning, I realized that I didn’t know how to diaper a baby. I’d never babysat or even been around many infants. I didn’t even really know much about toddlers either, but I’d be okay once they were school age.
I’d have to decide whether or not I wanted to teach at the same school my child attended, and while that would make the most sense travel-wise, it might make it difficult for me to avoid being their teacher. I’d had a couple professors who’d said that it was usually a bad idea to teach your own child, but it wasn’t unethical, though some schools might have their own policies regarding that. I’d have to take that into consideration when I started researching places to put in my resumé.
That thought made me realize that I needed to update my employment history to include the boutique. While retail wasn’t in my field, I was enjoying the work. The clothes were amazing, which led to something else…
I was going to need new clothes before I knew it. Maternity ones. Then the post-baby-body clothes. I should donate the old ones I wouldn’t be able to use anymore. Maybe a homeless shelter or a thrift store. Or I could find a church that did clothing drives. The church where Freedom and I had been baptized as babies gave things away every Christmas.
Maybe Eoin would want the baby baptized at his family church. It could be in Scotland. I needed to look into getting a passport…
Hours and hours of this sort of inner monologue, one thought chasing the previous one, my brain bouncing all over the place.
I sighed. I’d promised Eoin I’d call him today and that we’d arrange a time for us to talk, but I was dreading that conversation. Not because I thought Eoin was going to say something wrong, but because I still didn’t feel like I was ready for any deep conversation. The only thing I had definitely decided was that I didn’t want an abortion. I wanted my baby.
That seemed like a big enough decision for yesterday, but now, I regretted not trying to figure more out. If I was going to be a mom – no, there wasn’t an if – now that I was a mom, I needed to be able to do things like that. Make the tough decisions. Know what should be done and how to do it. Or, at least, know where to start looking.
I didn’t have a plan for this.
I’d always had a set goal, a timeline of sorts, but I’d never really thought of it as rigid. While I did like knowing where I was going and what I was doing, I considered myself flexible. The problem was, this wasn’t about being able to bend. I’d gotten pregnant by a man I’d only known for a little over a month. The only man I’d ever slept with.
That wasn’t bent. That was completely broken off and thrown a mile away.
Okay, so maybe that was a slight exaggeration of reality, but it definitely felt that way. I’d stayed so focused on school, my eyes fixed on graduation before moving on into the education field where I’d establish myself before starting a family. I’d even gone so far to plan on having a baby shortly after school let out in the summer and then be able to return in the fall.
I knew life didn’t always work that way, especially when it came to fertility. My own parents were proof of that. But there was a difference between not making a big deal out of not being able to schedule a pregnancy around a school year and getting pregnant when dating hadn’t even been on my radar. Well, for the most part, anyway. Eoin and I had started dating before I found out I was pregnant, but I was fairly certain that I’d actually gotten pregnant when we were still in the ‘hook-up’ stage of things.
Timing was, it turned out, a bitch.
I sighed and finally sat up. For the first time in my life, I was tempted to continue lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and not doing a single productive thing. Some people might’ve thought I deserved to do that, to wallow and moan about events already set into motion.
Even if I had decided to terminate the pregnancy, my life had already changed, if for no other reason than it had put Eoin and me into a position that made us look at our future in a different way. While I knew it was ultimately my decision whether or not I wanted to have the baby, Eoin’s feelings were part of the equation now. He’d said he was with me, no matter what, but now that it was real…
I’d made my decision, and he’d have an opinion about it, one way or the other. His thoughts would also affect our relationship, either for good or bad. And that, in turn, would change the path of my future.
A ripple effect. One little pebble into the middle of a pond disturbed water all the way out to the very edges. Being pregnant wasn’t exactly a little pebble, but the principle was the same. Once the water had been disturbed, even when it was calm again, it had changed on some fundamental level.
I had changed on a fundamental level.
And at the core of that change was the fact that I was no longer responsible for only myself. I had another life to consider, to care for, to make my priority. I couldn’t freak out.
Strangely enough, that acknowledgment calmed me more than anything else. Was I more ready now than I had been a few minutes ago? No. Did I have a better idea of what I was going to do next? Not really. Just that I needed to get out of bed and get something to eat because my child needed nourishment.
With that goal firmly in mind, I climbed out of bed and headed for the kitchen. Martina had picked up extra hours this morning, so I was alone, and the place was relatively quiet. I could hear some noise from the neighboring apartments, but the sound was muffled, more of a background noise than anything that really drew my attention. It was surprisingly pleasant.
While I didn’t feel as if I would be sick, I still chose something bland and ate it slowly. I needed a plan for the day, and that was what I thought about while I ate. One thing I needed to do was clear, at least. I’d promised Eoin I’d call him. The two of us really had to sit down and have a real talk about where we went from here, but I didn’t know if I had it in me just yet.
I needed to organize my thoughts, so I took a notepad and pen out of the basket on the table and began to write down everything I needed to do. I’d put them in order later.
Make a prenatal appointment with Dr. Rhimes, remembering to get an official due date as well as recommendations for the best literature.
Tell my parents and decide if I want them to tell Freedom or not. Perhaps I was being weak, but I had to be honest about what I could and couldn’t handle. Freedom finding out was something I wasn’t entirely sure about.
My living situation. While I had some time before that would become a problem, I didn’t want to rush into something I’d regret. I’d never intended to stay at Martina’s apartment for very long. The first of the year had been my absolute furthest out deadline to get a place of my own.
Now, I needed to decide if I wanted to keep with that, or if it would be better for me to go back to my parents’ place. Needing a room for the baby automatically excluded going back to the apartment I shared with Freedom in Stanford. How involved Eoin truly wanted to be would contribute to the location in which I searched for appropriate places.
As I wrote, my mind became clearer, necessary thoughts falling int
o line while all the detritus floated away. By the time I finished – for now anyway – I was calmer, more in control. While I couldn’t honestly say that I would ever be one hundred percent confident enough to talk to Eoin, I knew I had to make that call.
Before I did, however, a text came through on my phone. Eoin’s name flashed on my screen, and I opened the message.
I hope I’m not waking you. I know we said we’d talk today, but I was wondering if, instead, you’d be willing to come to my place tomorrow evening? We can have dinner and talk face-to-face.
He didn’t give a reason, but considering how good he’d been about me needing some time to myself, I wouldn’t have felt right denying him the same opportunity.
A second message came in as I was typing out a reply.
I should have asked this first. How are you doing? Do you need anything?
I smiled and added to my response. No morning sickness today, so that’s good. I didn’t really sleep well. Mind was going a mile a minute. I don’t need anything at the moment, but thank you for asking. Tomorrow evening is perfect.
A couple minutes passed, and my phone lit up again.
If you need me before then, just let me know, and I’ll be there.
I read those last three words two more times and then sent: Thank you.
It wasn’t a declaration of love or commitment, but I couldn’t get those words out of my mind. I’ll be there.
However he meant those words, this man and I would always have a connection. I put my hand on my stomach, even though I couldn’t feel any change yet. Despite trying hard not to have any expectations about Eoin, I couldn’t help but think how nice it would be if, someday, those words were for forever.
Twenty-Five
Eoin
I’d worked hard enough yesterday that I’d slept without any dreams or nightmares, but the moment I’d woken, I’d been all the way awake. Immediately, my mind had flooded with everything I’d still needed to do today, and I hadn’t wasted any time.
I’d finished with more than an hour to spare and then showered, finishing in just enough time to answer the door and get the food I’d ordered for our dinner. I hadn’t wanted to add the possibility of me messing something up with our meal because I was too distracted by everything else.
The ball of anxiety in my stomach hardened as I finished getting dressed. Some of my siblings had gone to various charity events over the years, and most of them also had jobs where suits were the norm, but with me having been in the army and not really a part of the whole high society shit, I didn’t have a single suit. Honestly, it was probably a good thing that I didn’t have one. It might’ve been over the top for what I had planned tonight, and I wanted to get this right.
I checked my reflection, which was something I didn’t do often, but I wanted to make sure that I looked my best. For the first time in a long time, though, I barely even noticed my scar. It didn’t bother Aline, and I wasn’t going to let it bother me.
Dress slacks and a nice short-sleeved dress shirt set the right tone but didn’t make me less nervous. For a brief moment, I wondered if I should’ve called my brother, Carson, since he was a designer, but if he suggested something I didn’t have, it’d be too late to do anything about it and that would just fuck with my head.
The food was in the oven, staying warm, and I had a bottle of sparkling cider on ice. The table was set with my brand-new matching dishes and a pair of wine glasses out of the dozen I’d picked up yesterday. A vase filled with a mixture of flowers sat in the center.
I could recognize the roses, but the woman at the flower shop hadn’t told me what the other ones were when I’d picked them up. They looked and smelled good, which was the most important thing.
Aline had sent me a text that she was on her way, so I took the time to do another walkthrough of the entire condo, making sure I hadn’t left any shit out, that I’d put everything exactly where it belonged. When I’d brought her here on Saturday, the place hadn’t been messy, but it’d been very clearly not lived in. Which made sense, since I hadn’t actually lived in it at that point.
Now, even though it’d been less than forty-eight hours since I’d officially moved in, it looked more like a real home. I hadn’t filled it up completely, because I didn’t want her thinking of it as my space, but I’d done enough for it to look like a place she’d want to live.
I hoped.
I made it back to the front room a few minutes before she rang the doorbell, and then she was standing there, smiling at me, and it was time to show her that I was the sort of man she could trust to protect her, to take care of her and our child.
Her eyes widened as she stepped inside. “You’ve been busy.”
“I have.”
She ran a hand across a table. “I thought you didn’t have a lot in storage.
“I didn’t. I picked up some things.”
“Some?” She sounded amused, but it wasn’t condescending. More like she was enjoying herself.
I watched her looking around the room, seeing the new sectional and coffee table, the lamp and bookcase from my bedroom at my parents’ house. The flatscreen across from the couch was new, but the gaming system on the bottom shelf of the bookcase was one I’d gotten last Christmas. I doubted Aline enjoyed that sort of thing, but I could play while she read. Hell, with the type of games that were out there, I could find something that was based off a book. That could make for an interesting date night where we wouldn’t even have to leave.
I made a mental note to look into it.
“It looks great,” she said. “Is this the only part of the house you furnished since Saturday?”
“No, but dinner’s staying warm in the oven, so why don’t we eat first, and then I can show you the rest of what I did.”
Her stomach growled, and color flooded her cheeks. “I guess that answers for me.”
I chuckled. “Let’s eat then.”
“Did you work today?” she asked as I turned off the oven and opened the door.
“We had a meeting this morning about our upcoming jobs, but since we don’t have anything scheduled until the upcoming weekend, Cain said we could take the rest of the week off.”
“What’s this weekend?” she asked. “Or is it something you can’t talk about?”
“Nothing top secret,” I said with a smile. I set the last container on the table and reached for the cider. “A jewelry store is bringing in some high-end pieces, and they want some extra security on hand.”
Bringing up work led the conversation to some basic small talk as we ate, and I was grateful for it. We were having a baby together, and there was still so much we didn’t know about each other. Basic stuff like favorite colors and songs, what sorts of pets we might want, whether or not Die Hard was a Christmas movie. When I found out she’d never seen it, I told her that we’d have to fix that soon. Maybe that’d be a good one to watch around New Year’s.
I wanted our first Christmas together to be extra special, and as much as I liked Die Hard, that really wasn’t the kind of mood I wanted to set. After all, this wasn’t only our first Christmas together, it would be the only one we’d have with just the two of us for a long time. I wanted to make it memorable. Something to look back on fondly when we had kids waking us up at the asscrack of dawn to open presents.
Kids.
Huh. Hadn’t realized I was already thinking plural.
“This was delicious,” Aline said as she finished the last of her pasta. “Thank you.”
“I can manage a few simple, decent meals, but nothing like this.” I refilled my drink and gestured toward her wine glass with the bottle. When she nodded, I topped off her drink as well. “My parents made sure we could all do the basics, but I didn’t really see the point in learning much when the army provided most of my meals.”
“I’ll have to teach you a thing or two.” She smiled with a warmth that showed all the way through to her eyes.
“I look forward to it.”
&n
bsp; I didn’t mean for my statement to come out with any sort of sexual meaning, but even I could hear it. I couldn’t help it, I supposed. I wanted her all the time. Wanted her so much that it almost physically hurt.
“Let me get this cleaned up real quick, and then I can show you the rest of the place.” My voice was calm, but my insides were anything but. I hadn’t eaten a lot, but I was starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t have eaten anything at all.
“That sounds good.” Aline stood up and reached for one of the bowls.
“Sit. I’ve got it.” Before she could argue, I added, “Let me take care of it. Please.”
She sighed. “All right, but when I cook, I plan to do the same thing to you.”
“Agreed.” For now, anyway. Once we were settled together, we’d figure out how we were going to do things in our family. I’d be damned if I’d be one of those men who thought clearing the table and doing dishes was the wife’s job.
After I had everything off the table, I held out my hand to her, and she took it, threading her fingers between mine. We made our way through the living room, but rather than taking her to the library or office down the hallway, we went up the stairs. I hadn’t really done much to either of those spaces since she was the reader and the one who could benefit from a home office. Besides, the two important rooms were upstairs.
I pushed open the door to the master bedroom and watched her face to see what she thought of the things I’d done in there.
I’d gotten a new bed around the same time I’d brought my belongings from San Ramon, and it’d been in storage until I’d bought this place. The guys had helped me set it up, ribbing me the entire time about how soft I was for needing a California King bed. While I’d originally picked it because I was too tall for pretty much anything else, now I was glad because I wouldn’t have to look into another one just because Aline would be here too.