by Lucin, David
“So what do you think of the house?” Gary asked Nicole. “It’ll look a lot better with furniture in there.”
Nicole shrugged. Dark bags hung under her eyes, and her skin was pale. Gone was the makeup, and in place of her expensive workout clothes, she wore a loose-fitting Berkeley sweatshirt and baggy gray sweatpants. Her hair was up in a messy bun. “Good, Mr. Ruiz. Thanks.”
“Sam?” Gary started. “Heard you guys were cleaning up today.”
“It’s a mess in there,” Barbara complained. She touched her cornbread again, but as soon as her fingers made contact, she retracted her hand. “Absolutely disgusting.”
Jenn dropped her fork, which hit her plate with a pang. “Sorry we don’t have a five-star hotel for you to stay at.”
Barbara’s jaw jutted out. “Excuse me, young lady, but I never asked for your opinion. Did you know I saw rat poo in the kitchen? You think that’s acceptable?”
“It’s not—” Gary paused. “We’ll get it cleaned up for you. I haven’t seen a rat in this neighborhood for years, so there’s nothing to worry about.”
Barbara pushed her plate away and crossed her arms. “I’m not hungry.”
“Then don’t eat,” Jenn said. “More for everyone else.” She reached past Sam to take Barbara’s food, but he blocked her.
“What’s wrong with you?” he asked.
Her cheeks burned hot. A weight pressed against the inside of her chest. “Nothing. I’m—”
“Fine?” he finished.
She sucked her teeth and took a bite of her cornbread. It tasted like sawdust.
An awkward silence hung in the air. Kevin smacked his lips as he chewed. So did Sam. It was disgusting. How was it even possible to make that much noise while they ate? The cornbread was dryer than Phoenix in June. Then again, that wasn’t their fault; Maria had no eggs, milk, or butter.
Jenn tried to relax the muscles in her face. Why was everything bothering her so much? Sam’s eating hadn’t annoyed her before, so why now? More than that, she used to love this cornbread. Maria was even better at making it than her father. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she sit here and enjoy her dinner?
“Jenn.” Gary waved a fork at her. “What did you get up to today?”
The conversation with Sophie popped into her mind. No way she was telling anyone about it. That would bring on a slew of questions she didn’t have the patience to answer right now.
“Someone came to visit,” Maria said.
Jenn gaped at her. How did she know? Why hadn’t she mentioned anything earlier?
“Was it a friend from school?” Maria asked. “That girl who lived on Sam’s floor. What was her name? Beth?”
“She’s not my friend,” Jenn said. “And no, it wasn’t Beth.”
“Then who was it?”
More ants crawled along Jenn’s arm. She scratched at them, leaving behind a red mark, but they kept climbing toward her neck and face. The entire table was watching her and waiting for her lie. She refused to give them the satisfaction of hearing one. “It was Sophie,” she blurted.
“Sophie?” Sam repeated. “The hell did she want?”
Barbara slapped his hand. “Don’t use that kind of language around your mother!”
Gary shoveled another forkful of cornbread into his mouth. He’d eaten almost an entire patty already. No wonder his shirts didn’t fit. “Sophie Beaumont? From Minute Tire? How do you know her?”
“She was there during the fallout scare,” Sam said.
Jenn pressed her fingers into her thigh.
“That doesn’t explain why she came to see you,” Maria said to Jenn. “Did you forget something there?”
A thumping sensation erupted in her temples. She rubbed them but the feeling lingered. A lie might get Maria, Sam, and Gary off her case, but what could she say? That she forgot her phone? No, that wouldn’t work; Sam saw her check it on their walk home from Minute Tire that night. Maybe she could try telling them that Sophie wanted Jenn to pay for the broken window.
“Sweetie?” Maria’s bright blue eyes fixed on Jenn, and she pursed her lips. The oxygen compressor buzzed. “You can tell us. It’s okay.”
Jenn couldn’t lie to Maria. Gary? Sure. Barbara, Kevin, and Nicole? Definitely. But not Maria. Jenn could never lie to her father, either. Maybe it was because neither of them ever lied to her.
“She’s putting a team together,” Jenn admitted. “To scout out the city.”
Gary stopped chewing. “Didn’t an expedition head out the other day? I assumed they came home. Why is Sophie going after them?”
“Her husband led the first one. She wants to find him.”
“Edward Beaumont?” Gary swallowed. A fleck of cornbread clung to his mustache. “He took the scouting party to Phoenix?”
Jenn rubbed her temple some more. “I guess. She never told me his name.”
Maria shifted in her seat, looking uncomfortable. Ajax stood on his haunches and laid his paws on Maria’s lap, but she shooed him away.
Sam spoke next. “And she wants you to go with her.” It wasn’t a question.
“She asked me to, yeah.”
“And?” Gary said. He planted his elbows on the table and leaned forward.
“And what?”
“You’re not considering it, are you?”
What did he expect? Did he want her to sit around the house all day, playing Connect Four, cooking cornbread, and cleaning up rat droppings? Flagstaff could be in danger. Nobody had a clue what was happening in Phoenix. Didn’t he care?
“Well,” Jenn started, “I haven’t really de—”
“You can’t,” Gary interrupted. He steepled his fingers. Maria pushed her food around her plate. Sam sat quietly, his hands in his lap. “It’s not safe out there.”
“You don’t think I know that?” Her tone bordered on yelling. “You remember how me and Sam went out there, right? You’re lucky we survived at all!”
Gary tapped his thumbs together. Was he trying to protect her? If so, protection wasn’t what she wanted. What happened on the highway yesterday didn’t define her. It couldn’t. She was better than that—she had to be.
She read Gary’s pause as an opening to press her point. “We’re sitting ducks here if we don’t find out what’s going on.” Sitting ducks. She surprised herself by using Sophie’s language. “For all we know, the Chinese could be invading California.”
Gary shook his head in a way that made her blood run hot. “I doubt that’s the case. Our navy’s still out there in the Pacific.”
It sounded as if he were talking down to her. He wasn’t, of course—not once had he insulted Jenn’s intelligence—but she took offense anyway. Her self-defense instincts flared up. She tried telling them not to, but they refused to stand down. “I didn’t mean the Chinese were literally invading,” Jenn said. “It’s a metaphor for how we have no idea what’s going on. You’ve heard of metaphors before, right?”
Her ears stung. That sounded petty. She wished she hadn’t said it, but with every second that ticked by, control of her words slipped further and further from her grasp.
Gary ignored her and continued. “The police have our borders secure. You saw what happened yesterday. Liam knew about those refugees in plenty of time to meet them.”
“Right, and that all went great. No problems at all. Smooth as could be.” She considered recounting the shootout in detail but hesitated. Maria didn’t need to hear it. Neither did Barbara, Nicole, or even Sam. Besides, Jenn doubted she could relive it so soon. “We have to be ready.”
Gary leaned back in his chair, which creaked in protest. “I understand that you want to help—I do—but you’re suffering from post-traumatic stress. You’re showing all the symptoms. Trouble sleeping, irritability, flashbacks. You have to process what you went through in Payson.”
Jenn’s eye twitched. How could Gary say that in front of everyone? In Liam’s squad car, with just the two of them, okay. But in front of Maria? In front of Ba
rbara and Sam? What they’d talked about was between him and her, not anyone else.
“If Sophie wants to go out there,” Gary went on, “that’s her prerogative, but I’m not sure what she’s expecting to find.”
“Maybe an answer to why we haven’t seen any refugees from Phoenix?” Jenn countered. “I mean, Las Vegas is way farther away. Doesn’t that bother you? There could be a FEMA camp down there or something. You’re an idiot if you think—”
“They’re gone, Jenn,” Gary said and struck the table with his fist. “Your parents. You won’t find them down there, if that’s what’s on your mind. It’s not worth risking your life trying.”
A flash of hot pain speared Jenn’s ribs and set her chest ablaze. An image of her mother and father sitting behind home plate at one of her softball games surfaced. Mom always made colorful signs and cheered louder than any of the other parents, probably to embarrass her daughter. Dad was quiet but could break down Jenn’s performance as well as Jason. Gary had no right to dismiss them like that. They were more than a statistic and more than another casualty of this war.
Almost against her will, her body thrust itself up. Her lip quivered, and the words rushed out of her lungs. When she tried to push them down, they fought back even harder and exploded out.
“Fuck you, Gary.”
Barbara gasped. Maria hid her face in her hands, and Nicole slid deeper into her seat. Gary’s jaw hung open. The blood had drained from his cheeks.
Jenn saw red and wobbled on top of weak knees. The edges of her vision blurred. The ants covered her from head to toe, but scratching them made the itch even worse.
Sam reached out for her hand. She jerked it away and kicked her chair in the leg, sending it toppling to the floor with a crash. Ajax, his tail fluffed, shot across the kitchen in search of his hiding spot under Maria’s bed. Barbara muttered something and Maria called out to Jenn, but she’d stopped listening.
She stormed toward her room. Inside, she tried to throw her door closed, but Sam blocked her.
“Leave me alone,” she hissed.
“Jenn,” he said and forced his way in. She backed away and grabbed two handfuls of hair. Maybe pulling it out would make the pain in her stomach disappear.
Arms wrapped around her. Twisting to break free only made Sam hold her tighter. She swore at him, loud enough that she heard Barbara gasp in response from the dining room. He kicked the door, and it shut with a bang.
The sweet spice of his deodorant found her nose. She savored it. It reminded her of the roof of Emerald City. He talked sense into her then, too, when she wanted to rescue her parents in Phoenix. At first, she was furious with him, but his touch brought the world into focus.
A few breaths later, the ants receded and the heat in her cheeks vanished. Laying her hands on Sam’s, she felt herself crying.
He sat her down on the bed. She sniffled and leaned her head on his shoulder.
Soon, the ache in her belly evaporated. Fatigue soaked every muscle. In her senior year, she did a ten-kilometer run as part of a fundraiser for Peoria residents who’d lost families in the war. She was more tired now than when she crossed the finish line.
“I’m not fine,” she said to Sam.
He started playing with her hair the way she liked. “You can talk to us. We’re here for you.”
“It’s hard.” Jenn fidgeted with a button on his shirt as the truth threatened to burst free: I can’t talk about it, because whenever I do, he’s there, watching me. “I just need some time.”
“Okay.” Sam’s fingers found the base of her head, sending a warm tingle down her back. It made her forget about the bombs and her parents and Yankees Hat, if only for a second.
“Mom and Kevin are staying with Nicole at the new house tonight,” he said. “Gary’s going to bring some cots and stuff. I’ll give him a hand.”
“You should stay with them,” Jenn said.
Sam’s fingers froze. Jenn craned her neck, and he peered down at her, an eyebrow raised.
“That came out wrong. I mean, you remember what Nicole said about you leaving your mom. She needs you around.”
“You need me, too.”
“I’m f—” She bit her lip. “I’ll be okay. I want you here, but Barbara . . . She might freak out. Plus, a night alone’ll help me think.”
His fingers went to work on her scalp some more. “You sure? I don’t want to leave you by yourself if you’re not ready.”
“I’m okay. Promise. Ajax will keep me company. He doesn’t like it when you sleep over, anyway. The bed’s not big enough to fit both of you.”
Jenn’s head bounced on Sam’s shoulder as he laughed. “Yeah, he’s kind of a monster.” He took her shoulders and sat her up. “All right, I’ll stay there tonight. Give you some space.”
“Thanks.”
“I should go check on my mom.” He pushed himself up from the bed. “You might have given her a brain aneurysm by dropping that F-bomb.”
“Tell her I’m sorry.”
He planted a kiss on her forehead. “I will.”
Jenn lay flat. At the door, Sam stopped, his hand on the knob. “You’re not thinking about going with Sophie, are you?”
Her back went taught. A trip to Phoenix could be dangerous. Jenn couldn’t fight, apparently, so if she joined the expedition, she’d be a liability and little more. She wondered what was happening outside of Flagstaff, but Gary was right: Jenn wouldn’t find her family down there.
She might get closure, though. Finding only a scorched wasteland was better than nothing. At least she would have tried. At least she’d know for sure what happened to the people she loved most.
“No,” she said. The word hardly fit through her throat. “I’m not going to go.”
* * *
In bed, Jenn flicked on her flashlight. The LED painted the ceiling in bright white, casting sharp shadows across the walls. Then she switched it off and let the darkness embrace her.
She hadn’t left her room since her outburst at dinner, not even to pee—and she really needed to pee. The thought of using the porta-potty down the street made her shudder. It already smelled bad enough to singe her nose hairs. After everyone went to bed, she’d use the back yard instead, like a dog. God, she really missed flushing toilets.
Before he left with his family, Sam said goodnight. He insisted that Jenn come out and talk to Gary, but she couldn’t. Not yet. She was still angry with him. When he lost Camila, Jenn was nothing but supportive. Whenever his daughter came up in conversation and she sensed Gary’s discomfort, she changed the subject. She always used the present tense to refer to her, just in case. Not once did she tell him she was gone, dead in an Indian jungle somewhere. After dealing with the loss of his only child and never knowing for certain what happened, he should have been more sensitive and understanding about Jenn’s parents.
Flicking the flashlight on again, she replayed the conversation with Sophie for the hundredth time, and the idea of going to Phoenix seemed a little less crazy. It wasn’t that far—only a couple of hours down the interstate. It took almost as long to drive to Payson, but this would be different. Sophie would be prepared with food, water, guns, everything. They’d be careful and take it slow. It could work.
Maybe there was nothing to fear down there. Ed’s team could have found some sort of relief camp. Right now, he could be speaking with the military or the government or FEMA about sending help to Flagstaff. Just because he hadn’t come home yet didn’t mean he was in trouble. It didn’t mean anything, really.
A knock came from the door, which squeaked open.
“Sweetie,” Maria said. Orange light from a candle flooded the room. “Sweetie, can we talk?”
So much for a night alone. Jenn couldn’t ask her to leave, though. She only ever wanted to help. “Okay. Sure.”
The wheels of Maria’s compressor rumbled on the hardwood. A cool hand touched Jenn’s as Maria eased herself onto the edge of the bed. For a while, they said nothing—Ma
ria remained still, her oxygen humming, while Jenn lay on her side. Ajax meowed from the floor and joined them.
“Is Gary mad?” Jenn finally asked.
“No, of course not. He understands.”
Jenn sat up next to Maria. The candlelight reflected off a tear in her eye.
“What’s wrong?” Jenn said. “I’m sorry I swore. I shouldn’t have lost control like that.”
Ajax settled between them. The candle smelled of lavender and the fresh-cut strawberries that Mom would serve to Jenn and her brothers as snacks when she was little.
“You remind me more of Camila every day,” Maria said. “When you first came to stay with us, I couldn’t believe how different you two were. Camila was always so quiet and reserved, and you’re . . .” She trailed off and put a finger to her lip.
“Loud and obnoxious?”
That got a smile out of Maria. “Your words, not mine.” She pushed up her glasses. “When the war started, Camila was only seventeen, but she knew what she had to do. Nobody could stop her from enlisting, and trust me, I tried. She felt so bad for those poor people in India. The Chinese did terrible things to them, you know, even early on. Camila wanted to help. I told her that it wasn’t her fight, but she wouldn’t listen. She said that once they were done with India, they’d come here. I thought that was nonsense. But she did what she believed was right, just like you’re doing now.”
Jenn scratched her scalp. “You mean about Sophie’s team? I haven’t decided yet. I still have to—”
“Don’t give me that.” Maria handed the candle to Jenn and picked up Ajax, who went limp in her arms and then sprawled across her lap. “You’re a terrible liar. The moment you mentioned going to Phoenix, I saw it in your eyes. Camila had the same look when she told me she enlisted.”
The flame danced and fluttered. Beneath the wick, a pool of wax glistened. The cylindrical glass stand was warm on Jenn’s fingers and palms.