by Fox J Wilde
“Don’t worry, I haven’t told them anything. Anything true, anyway. I keep everything about you secret. But I have to be honest, it’s so much easier lying about Jakob and Vortecx. They don’t go gallivanting off in the night to the Interhostel for their dates.”
“You…you saw…” Lena stuttered. Oh god, what else had she seen?!
“Of course, I did. They told me to follow you wherever you went. But after you went in, nothing could ever possibly convince me to go into a Stasi hellhole like that.”
“Oh, thank God.” Lena breathed a sigh of relief. She couldn’t have seen anything she wasn’t supposed to see, then. Her secret was safe, but she had to find a way to lie herself out of this—somehow reassure Vivika that they were both on the same team.
“But it begs the question…” she continued, “why were you going into the Interhostel?”
“I t-told you, Vivika. I was on a date!”
“No, Lena, you weren’t. We can lie to each other all we want on that side of the Wall, but here, where we are surrounded by friends; we tell each other the truth, ok?”
“I am telling...”
“Lena,” Vivika was almost pleading, “When we can…when it’s safe to…like right now, we tell each other the truth. Okay? Promise me.”
“Vivika...” Lena tried.
“Promise me, Lena. You have to promise me.”
Lena thought about it, and realized that she had to really consider what precisely a ‘lie’ was. If it was okay for her to lie on that side of the wall…why not on this side? And why should she tell the truth right now? If she lied now, it would only serve to make her future lies more believable, right? She had everything to gain by lying right now. And yet…
Something about the situation unnerved her. She had a rare opportunity to make a friend—a true friend and ally. Vivika could be someone she could trust fully with her secrets. But as she thought more about that, something even direr dawned on her: did Lena even have any real friends? Sure, there was the rooftop gathering. But the rooftop was the only place she ever saw any of them, and she hadn’t seen them in quite some time. There were her band-mates, of course, whom she knew nothing about and lied to constantly. There was Patrick, but, he wasn’t really a friend; he was more of a supervisor that complained about similar things.
Oh sure, she could trust Patrick. That is, when he wasn’t ‘Victor’, or whoever else he had to play. And even Patrick had warned her about trusting too easily. Did that apply now? Yet despite all of this, she felt that if she lied after promising Vivika she wouldn’t, somehow that would make her lies really bad. Like, something truly awful. Besides, everyone needed a friend, and you couldn’t very well have a friend if you lied to them right from the beginning, right? So, against all reason, and against all caution, she resigned to telling Vivika the truth...or at least some of it.
“Yes, I am informing,” Lena said, looking about to make sure no one was listening. “I am informing for a Stasi officer, and I have spied on you all. They have the studio bugged too. The entire label is run by the State.”
“I figured,” Vivika nodded. “Did you tell them anything about us?”
“I told them that you all talk about...”
“No, no no…I mean important things. Like, where we go, or anything about our families.”
“Oh, no, of course not. I would never tell them the truth about that.”
“Did you tell them about the dress I stole?” Vivika replied, with a look of legitimate fear.
“No, of course not!” Lena laughed. Of all the things Vivika had to be worried about, that was her main worry?
“You promise?” Vivika asked.
“Yes, Vivika, of course I promise!”
The two laughed then. It was awkward, but comfortable at the same time. Both now knew each other’s secret. For the most part, anyway. And Lena was quite surprised to feel a weight lift off her shoulders. She hadn’t known until right now just how difficult it had been to keep such a secret hidden for so long. Surely Patrick would understand, right? After all, he probably had folks that he confided in. Why shouldn’t she?
And yet this did raise a number of questions. She couldn’t quite give a voice to all of them yet, but she knew they were there. Now that she and Vivika had this between them, it added an extra dynamic. But was that entirely a good thing? Her world was already so complicated. Could she bear one more complication?
“Lena, promise me one more thing,” Vivika looking out to scan the crowd.
“Alright?”
“No matter what happens…if this world we are in gets too crazy, and you have to run…just let me know where you are going.”
“Ok, but...” Lena stuttered. What was that supposed to mean?
“Look, you and I both know you aren’t telling me the truth. You’ve got bigger things going on and I respect that. Just…if things get too big, I’d just like someone to know.”
Lena loved her then. It was if she had found something precious lost long ago. The love of a sister, perhaps, or a long-lost childhood friend.
“Of course, I will. I promise. I would love a friend to confide in.”
“Oh cut the bullshit.” Vivika still scanning the crowd blankly, “I love you like a sister, Lena, but I know we aren’t really friends. You think you’re better than us. Maybe you’re right, maybe you are better, or maybe you aren’t. But you obviously have more going on than me and our stupid little band.”
“It’s not stupid, Vivika!”
“Yes, Lena, to you it is. This—all of this—it’s only a stepping stone to you. You’re using this as your way out. You’re using us to escape. And you know what? I’m ok with it. But just like you are using me to get to where you are going, I’m using you too. This band is nothing to you…but it’s everything to me. I don’t have some ace-in-the-hole hidden away somewhere, so it’s the best chance I have of escaping. And if the band can’t be my way out, than you have to be instead.”
Lena sat outside leaning against a wall and smoking a cigarette. She was attempting to relax and process the events of the night. Everything seemed to have worked out perfect, until the end with Vivika. Well, despite the initial issues with Jakob, that is. It surprised her how little she had thought about him, or about how they were going to find him. She wondered if that proved what Vivika had been saying inside, about them not meaning anything to her.
She had resolved to keep Vivika abreast of what she could…I mean, why not? She owed her that much at least. Vivika had been a friend, and everyone deserved an escape. She didn’t know how to engineer one for Vivika, but if she could find a way, dammit, she would at least try.
“Anyone sitting here?” a familiar male voice spoke from beside her.
Lena turned to address the voice, and immediately beamed ear to ear. It was Matt. Matt York the rock-star, and everyone’s newfound idol. What a brilliant, handsome man he was. This was perhaps the closest she had ever come to being truly star-struck with someone. Yet, she didn’t have the slightest problem admitting it. He really was something.
“No, no one’s sitting here, Matt.” Lena smirked, “But you can’t.”
“Well then,” he pouted, “I suppose I should find somewhere else to sit?”
“I think you should.”
“Fine!” with that, Matt switched over from her right side to the left, and plunked himself down on the ground right next to her.
“So….” he began, faking awkwardness as he tapped his fingers on his knees, “...how’r you?”
“I’m fine.” she responded, trying to act cooler than the awkwardness she felt.
The two sat in a weird silence for a moment. It wasn’t uncomfortable by any means, just…awkward. These were moments that Lena had become quite used to as a performer. They were the moments when she allowed herself to be at peace, sitting outside by herself, ignoring everyone. H
er performance was always the permission slip and the explanation. She was an artist. That should be reason enough. Yet these were the moments when someone would inevitably walk by and steal her ability to recombobulate herself, not getting the picture. She was used to it; it was everyone else who wasn’t used to it.
“Why aren’t you cheerful anymore?!” they would always ask, “You were so crazy onstage!!!” They didn’t understand. They never did. That’s half the reason she wanted to be alone. It was easier than trying to explain herself to them.
Yet she felt comfortable with Matt. He wasn’t an introvert like her, but he was a fellow warrior. They had both gone to battle together. They had drawn their swords against common enemies, and felled giants with the ancient tactics of their mutual and complimentary traditions. They had both been bloodied—perhaps in different places under different circumstances—but bloodied still. The commonalities rendered the differences—no matter how numerous—irrelevant.
She was awkward. He knew this. She knew he knew. Somehow, that was more than enough. He obviously knew her kind, and knew precisely how to commiserate. So, he sat…and sat, breathing comfortably beside her. He basked in the warmth of her energy, and she basked in his. After a while of sitting however, it was time for the extrovert to do his due diligence by enacting an essential interaction between the two personalities.
“Is anyone smoking that?” he asked, while pointing at the lit cigarette in her mouth.
“I...”
“Cool, thank you.” he said politely, before stealing it away from her and taking a long drag.
“Hey, what the…” she tried stealing it back, but she was interrupted by him pushing her away. There he was…back in persona. Yet it was a different persona than the one she had seen onstage. Hell, it was different than even the first time she had met him in person. Yes, he had been an obnoxious jerk then. But that was a different sort of jerk: more like a famous person toying with a fan for his own amusement. This didn’t feel like that, though; this felt inexplicably different. It was more warm and more purposeful.
“My god, this tastes so good with you on it!” he said.
“You’re an asshole!” she swatted him.
“No really…I think I can really taste the jerk.”
“The jerk?”
“Yes. The whole ‘you’ part. You really know how to add your jerk-ness to a cigarette.”
“Why the hell am I the jerk?!”
“Because you didn’t invite me out to smoke!”
“I don’t smoke with the likes of you!” she grouched, swatting him some more.
“Oh, and what are the likes of me, exactly?”
“Uhhh...” she stumbled, as she realized she hadn’t really thought that far ahead, “Dumbasses.”
“You want to try that again?” he laughed, “I’ll give you thirty entire seconds to think something clever up.”
“Screw you!”
“Anytime! My bus is right over there!” he said, pointing to the corner of the parking lot where groupies still clambered at the lit tour bus, “But before that, tic-toc, tic-toc.”
“Do you enjoy being an insufferable turd?” she said as fiercely as she could manage.
“Fifteen seconds.”
“Screw you!”
“Once again, the bus is right over there. Ten seconds.”
“I’m not playing your stupid game!” she tried not to giggle.
“But you are playing my stupid game,” he laughed, “and you’ve got five seconds left.”
“Nope.” she shook her head, smiling, “Not playing.”
“Aaa-a-aand zero! Pay up.”
“Excuse me? I wasn’t playing your game. I don’t have to pay you anything.”
“Sure you do. House rules.”
“What house?!” she laughed incredulously. “This isn’t your house. This isn’t anyone’s house! You can’t just impose rules on someone!”
“Sure I can!” he said, pointing back at his bus, “I’m the lead-singer of the head-lining band, and that is my house over there!”
“But we’re not in your house, Matt. Out here, you don’t make the rules.”
“Well...” he said matter-of-factly, “why don’t we go back to my house, so that my rules apply?”
“Oh my god!” she giggled, “Are you seriously asking me to ‘go back to your place’?”
“I believe I am, yes. Strictly so that we can play my little game, of course.”
Lena couldn’t believe that this was happening. Matt York from The Dead Weights was seriously asking her back to his tour bus. Honestly, she didn’t know if that was a good thing. She didn’t know if he was actually coming on to her, or if he just wanted to hang out, or what…but they were flirting, weren’t they? I mean, in a way they were.
“So…what happens if I lose?” she asked.
“Well…that depends.”
“On what?”
“On how you feel about this.”
The kiss came suddenly, uninvited…but probably wanted. She really didn’t know what to think about it, honestly. It had just happened, without giving her any time to decide. She would have refused of course—she was pretty sure, anyway. Wouldn’t she have? Of course, she would’ve, because it was the only decent thing to do. Kisses didn’t happen like this. They happened…in many other ways, of course. Perhaps this wasn’t the worst way, exactly…but…well, maybe this was a way, at least. Just not the preferable one. But it was nice—he was a really good kisser.
Before long, she realized that she had been kissing him the entire time she was debating whether or not she liked it. When that thought dawned on her, well, she became even more confused. Yet, she still held the kiss…which was very much beginning to feel very, very good. She would have to put a stop to this soon. That is, before she allowed more to follow. Ok...maybe just one more millisecond to make sure that was precisely what she wanted.
Finally, she managed to break the embrace. It wasn’t difficult to do. Matt wasn’t being pushy—just surprising is all. Yet as she sat there next to him, her breath sped up ever-so-slightly, she realized that she wished she could have held the kiss just a mere second longer.
“So. What do you say?” he started with a grin, “Do you feel like going back to my place?”
“Do we have to play your stupid game?”
“We always play games, my dear. That’s half the fun!”
“Ok, fine. But this isn’t…you know…I mean, we’re not gonna…”
“I would never!” he exclaimed, jumping up and feigning serious injury. “Why, the thought of taking advantage of such a delicate flower as yourself …it’s quite simply too much to bear!”
“Delicate flower, huh?” she feigned annoyance.
“Yes. A delicate flower. Besides, you’re not my type anyway.”
“Oh no?! And what is your type than?”
“I like simple women,” he said, pulling Lena to her feet, “groupies, for the most part. Dumb, skanky chicks that are in it for the money and nothing else.”
“Wait, you make a lot of money?”
“I sure do! And you can’t have a single red cent of it!”
“Oh,” she acted wounded. “Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to steal all of your fame, money and glory away from you?”
“Well…” he replied, rubbing his hands together, “why don’t you step into my office and we can see what I can do about it.”
As the two walked towards the tour bus, his hand slipped awkwardly into hers. She smiled to herself at this—it wasn’t just the hand-holding that made it feel right—no, it was definitely the hint of nervousness he barely exuded, but had let her in on. Soon enough, she was beaming visibly, and the many, many female onlookers that had turned to take notice couldn’t change that fact. If she were a more awful person, she would have almost enjoyed thei
r glaring contempt as hearts broke right in front of her. Pure jealously, rife with hatred and laced with pain. Each one of those women desperately wanted to be her. Unfortunately, she wasn’t an awful person. Instead, she just felt exposed and wanted to disappear immediately.
Thank God the tour bus was only mere meters away. Then feet. Then finally inches, as Matt knocked on the side of the door. A face appeared, and then disappeared, only to be followed by the door opening.
“She’s with me, Jeff,” Matt said to the man on the other side—an utterly gigantic man with biceps the size of small planets.
“You got it, big man.”
“Jeff is our bouncer., Matt explained to Lena as they both stepped onto the bus. “In title only. He’s actually a huge pussycat—rolls a mean joint, good with the ladies. He’s also been playing Dungeons & Dragons since it first came out. The man is absolutely in love with Gary Gygax and hasn’t shut up about the Second Edition since it came out.”
“He seems nice.” she responded.
As Matt led her through the bus, she felt her own jealousy—this thing was utterly decked. It had bunk beds, a lounging area near the front, a shower, and separators for privacy. She felt famous just being on the thing, and couldn’t even imagine what it must have felt like to live on it for most of the year, “A girl could get used to this...” she mused to herself.
“He’s a pretty good dude,” Matt continued as he led Lena through the corridor. “Most of the guys on the bus are. But…the raddest guy by far on this beast is someone you have to meet.”
“Who’s that?” Lena asked pensively.
“He’s my manager. He is the craziest old guy you will ever know. I’ve been doing business with him forever, and now I feel like a part of his family. I think he’s gonna want to meet you. You two would really hit it off.”
“Oh…okay.” Lena said. She was interested, certainly, business opportunities and all that related nonsense; but if she was being honest with herself (and she most certainly wasn’t…nope, nope, nope!), she was far more interested in spending some ‘quality time’ with Matt and those lips of his. She had earned it, after all. Still, she didn’t want to be impolite.