Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism

by Mort Gloss

  ****

  The next two weeks went by quickly for Balloon, as he frantically worked to prepare the single-wide for galactic travel. After acquiring all the necessary parts, Tom and Russ then gathered the materials listed on Balloon's "everthang we need" list. The process was simple. At Tom's direction, Balloon asked himself what the space voyagers would need during the journey. A tremendous list of materials followed, ranging from foodstuffs to raw metal. There were odd items in the list, such as bluetooth headsets and a bowling ball. Russ wondered about these supplies, but had learned not to doubt the wisdom inherent in Balloon's guesses.

  In order to make the "everthang we need" materials actually fit in the single-wide, Tom and Russ had to empty out Balloon's closet spaces, build shelves along the walls, discard Balloon's "Certain Death" shrine, and cram as much as possible underneath Balloon's flower couch. Balloon's conversion of the single-wide also required numerous modifications to the interior of the trailer. The kitchen and bathroom were left almost completely unaltered, as the travelers would require their services during the journey. Nevertheless, Balloon's bedroom underwent serious remodeling, including the installation of: three vinyl "command chairs," each with access to its own video game controller; an eight by six foot "space proof" window; dozens of switches, all lined up along the inside wall of the bedroom; and a plywood "command module" placed between the newly installed glass and the command chairs, decked out with flashing red lights and approximately 100 pinball style buttons.

  Upon inspecting the single-wide in its nearly completed state, Russ became concerned there were no beds for the travelers to sleep in. Only Balloon's flower couch remained, and Russ knew it was highly unlikely that all of the voyagers would be able to sleep on it at the same time.

  "That there's the best part," responded Balloon with excitement, when asked about the sleeping arrangements. "Can't tell y'all though; want her to be a big 'ol surprise 'n what not."

  "Well can you at least tell me whether I should bring a sleeping bag and a pad? I really don't want to be sleeping on the floor the whole trip," said Russ, clearly worried.

  "You jist tryin' to git me to give away ma secret, but it ain't gonna work. Don't you worry 'bout nothin'; I got everthang all figured. And don't be bringin' no sleepin' bag er pillow er blankies er nothin'."

  "Alright, Balloon, if you're sure," responded Russ, still not confident he should trust Balloon.

  "I's sure. You gonna sleep the best you has in yer whole life."