Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism

by Mort Gloss

  Chapter 5 - Lord Protector

  Balloon Worshiped by Aliens;

  Nabashio Forms a Battle Plan

  "I can taste those Lucky Charms right now, Gibson," yelled Tom, over the blaring sounds of classic rock and the wind.

  "My money, and my breakfast cereal, are still on humans with only slight variations from us," responded Russ.

  Victory frowned as she slumped in the back seat. "Why do you imbeciles insist on talking about such inane subjects? You never stop!"

  "It's somewhat of a defense mechanism, Victoria," answered Tom. "We've got to have some way to keep our wits about us when you're around; know what I mean? You're so... captivating."

  Victory rolled her eyes before shutting them.

  "Are we almost there, Balloon?" asked Russ.

  "You got her figured, boss," answered Balloon, a goofy grin on his face. His attention kept shifting from the bright greens and reds of the landscape to Victory. She, of course, hadn't noticed.

  After another minute or so, the Coupe reached the top of a rolling hill and began its decent into a picturesque valley below. The landscape contained the same familiar greens and reds, but was additionally speckled with lush vegetation.

  "Awesome," said Russ, almost to himself.

  "Don't call me that, especially in front of Balloon," answered Tom, feigning embarrassment.

  "Alrighty, y'all. Once we gits to the bottom of this here hill, Tommy's gonna take a right-hand turn, and then them aliens is gonna be there."

  "And you're sure we don't need any weapons or anything?" asked Russ.

  "Ain't nothin' a the sort needed nohow."

  "Well, that's good news," said Tom, "especially since all our weapons are attached to the single-wide."

  The Coupe descended the hill and, when reaching an apparent fork in the turf road, turned to the right as instructed by Balloon. After a few hundred yards, the vegetation forming the border of the pathway was replaced by large trees with red vines and leaves. The trees formed an enormous circle, enclosing dozens of metallic, dome-shaped pods.

  Russ was fascinated. "Do they live in those metal hut looking things?" he asked.

  "You got her figured," answered Balloon. Tom drove the Coupe into the village, slowing his speed and eventually parking in front of what appeared to be the largest pod.

  "No welcoming party?" asked Tom, peering out the windshield of the Coupe as he parked. "These aliens suck at hospitality." Tom unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the large driver's side door of the Coupe. Russ did the same.

  "Maybe they aren't interested in idiot earthlings," answered Russ as he climbed out of the Coupe.

  Just as Tom was about to say something in response, he noticed Russ recoil, a look of surprise on his face. Tom turned and saw dozens of regular looking men and women, standing with spear-like objects pointed in his direction. The aliens were dressed in what appeared to be gray overalls, a mixed look of fear and anger on their faces.

  "Well," said Tom, after closely examining the aliens from his side of the car, "it doesn't look like they have pointy ears, so you lose, Gibson."

  The aliens growled, snarled, and hissed to one another in response to Tom's voice. After apparently speaking to each other, they began to advance in unison. Tom noticed the fearful look on Russ' face, and commented: "this is one of those situations where temporary immortality really pays off, dude." Russ responded with a smirk.

  Within a few seconds, the aliens had the sharper ends of their spear-like weapons carefully located within inches of Tom and Russ' respective necks. Tom put his hands behind his head, laughed, and casually looked into the back seat of the Coupe. "Balloon, any interest at all in what's going on out here?"

  "I ain't got no ideas nohow on what to do, Tommy," came the reply.

  "Guess, Balloon. Never go with what you know; always go with what you don't know."

  The aliens continued to snarl in response to Tom's conversation with Balloon. "Ma head's tellin' me to git outta the car."

  "Sounds like a wonderful way to start," responded Tom.

  Balloon struggled in the back seat of the Coupe, trying to move the seat forward in order to heave himself up and out of the vehicle. Victory sat staring at him, unhelpful. She kept muttering something about "idiots" under her breath. After tremendous effort, Balloon finally extricated himself from the Coupe.

  Just as Balloon finally emerged, Tom turned to him and said: "tell these dudes to chill out."

  "I don't think that's going to be necessary," said Russ, pointing to the aliens.

  Both Tom and Balloon turned their attention to those who had, just seconds ago, been holding Tom at Spear-point. Each of the aliens had backed away, standing now with lowered heads and weapons held horizontal just above the ground.

  "What the deuce?" said Tom. "Do you have some kind of mind power you didn't tell us about, Balloon?" As he spoke, Victory successfully emerged from Russ' side of the Coupe. When she came into view, the aliens audibly gasped and lowered their heads even further.

  "I ain't got no mind powers," answered Balloon, looking from the aliens to Victory.

  "Up until a few months ago, I would have agreed with you wholeheartedly, my friend," said Tom. "But it's clear you, and apparently our dear Victory, have an effect on these dudes."

  "Tell them hello and that we come in peace or something," suggested Russ.

  "Ain't no thang," answered Balloon.

  "Well hold on just a second here," interrupted Tom. "Isn't 'take me to your leader' the customary thing to say in these situations?"

  Victory rolled her eyes and tried not to raise her voice as she spoke: "Shut up, Tom. Balloon, just tell them we mean them no harm."

  "Real original, Victoria," said Tom.

  Balloon closed his eyes and asked himself how to communicate with the aliens. Just as before, he spoke with hideous growling and sniffing sounds. In the Zaxmorthian common language, Balloon said: "Hello y'all, we's come in peace er somethin'. All y'all take us to yer leader 'n we ain't meanin' y'all no harm nohow."

  The largest alien, who was at the front of the group, slowly looked to his left and right, as if he did not know what to do. Through his own series of hissing noises, he responded to Balloon's introduction. Balloon stood silent after the alien spoke.

  "What did he say?" asked Russ.

  Balloon hesitated before responding, as if he had not really been listening. He then asked himself the question and translated: "They sayin', 'Lord Protector, we are here to serve you. Tell us your commands and we will obey.'"

  Tom was bewildered. "Lord what?"