by Mort Gloss
****
Russ' right foot ached from the constant acceleration, braking, and cornering. He was relieved when he saw the single-wide in the distance. "Looks like we might make it out of here, folks," he said.
Tom squinted as he looked out the wide windshield of the Coupe. "Not sure on that one, Russell; looks like they've got the single-wide surrounded."
"Ahhh crap," said Russ, seeing the same thing as Tom spoke. "Balloon," he said quickly, "what do we need to do to get outta here?"
Balloon plugged in the question and responded: "Here's what we gots to do. Drive this here Caddy straight at the back a the W.A.S.P., 'n put her right up on the ramp where she fits real nice 'n snug. Then we'll git out 'n git her clamped down."
Russ and Tom looked at each other with raised eyebrows. "Wait a second, Balloon," said Tom, "are you sure you asked yourself what we need to do to get out of this mess?"
"Sho nuff. And alls we gots to do is drive this here Coupe up there purty quick 'n then git out 'n git her all mounted on the ramp up yonder. That's what ma head's tellin' me."
Russ shrugged his shoulders. "Alright," said Tom, "you heard the man. Drive this Cadillac onto the ramp and it's all good."
"You got her figured," added Balloon.
"But wait," said Tom, as the travelers were now only a few seconds away from the single-wide, "is anybody gonna get shot if we do this?"
"Ain't nobody gonna git hurt nohow."
"Good enough for me," said Tom.
Russ crested a small hill and the travelers got their first full glimpse of the enemy. "Stick to the plan," yelled Victory, sensing some indecision on Russ' part.
"And keep up your speed, bro; you're slowing down," added Tom. Russ obeyed their instructions, pressing down on the gas and driving straight toward the ramp attached to the back of the single-wide. As Russ drove closer, the travelers became enveloped in a storm of rocket blasts and red laser fire.
"I knew it!" yelled Tom as the intensity increased, "they got lasers in outer space. Or are they phasers?"
"Shut it, Starley," boomed Victory from the back seat.
Although flames seemed to shoot toward them from all directions, nothing impacted the Coupe. Russ frantically turned the wheel as the single-wide approached. "Here we go!" he screamed. The Cadillac slammed onto the ramp at the back of the W.A.S.P., causing the low-budget spacecraft to rock back and forth. Russ shoved the transmission into park, set the brake, and jumped out of the Coupe. Tom did likewise, assisting Rita out of the vehicle and pulling the front seat forward to facilitate Balloon and Victory's exit.
Russ, meanwhile, surveyed the scene. He saw overweight humanoids in all directions, some pointing what appeared to be guns at his head, others intentionally firing their weapons into the air. A large woman behind a barricade snorted and hissed at him with loud, grating consonants.
Tom sarcastically put his hands behind his head as if to surrender. "Why is it," he asked Russ, "that everybody in this galaxy is morbidly obese? I thought Pedro and his people were a little on the portly side; they got nothin' on these fatties."
As Tom spoke, Victory exited the vehicle. A wave of silence rushed over the battle scene. The soldiers immediately threw their weapons on the ground and lowered their heads. Only one of the Zaxmorthians, a female, remained defiant. She grunted, snorted, stomped her feet, and threw her hands up and down wildly, as if trying to get the others to take some action.
As Balloon emerged from the Coupe, the female soldier ended her diatribe. The Zaxmorthian soldiers, who had only lowered their heads at the sight of Victory, now groveled on the ground and covered their eyes.
Balloon, who was instinctively pulling up his pants, didn't notice. "What is it with you, man?" asked Tom with a smile. "You're like a celebrity here."
The female soldier, who appeared to be fighting the urge to kneel before Balloon, yelled at him in the Zaxmorthian tongue. "You are an imposter. My soldiers and I are here to ... arrest you." As she did so, the other soldiers looked at her with contempt, as if she had spoken out of turn.
"What did she say, Balloon?" asked Victory, gathering her reading material and slamming the door of the Coupe.
"She sayin' we's all imposisitors, 'n that she gonna put us in the slammer."
Tom bent down to assist Russ in securing the Coupe to the single-wide. "By the looks of things," he said, "she's not going to be arresting anybody." The two finished the job in a matter of seconds. "Alright, we're set. Let's go, Balloon."
"Hold on," said Russ, "we need to get the translation equipment out of the trunk."
"Nice call," answered Tom.
The Zaxmorthian soldiers watched in reverent silence as Tom, Russ, and Balloon carried the various wires and devices to the front door of the single-wide. The female commander, who had apparently resolved to block the entryway, cowed at the sight of Balloon's full mass up close.
While Balloon tried to carry the load of equipment in one hand, and fish for the keys to the single-wide in the other, the Zaxmorthian soldier again convinced herself to speak: "You may have fooled my men here, but you can't fool me. I know you are an imposter. I know you're not who you're pretending to be."
Russ turned and listened to her snorting. "What was that, Balloon?" he asked.
"She still sayin' we's pretendin' to be someones we'all ain't," he answered, finally locating the keys and unlocking the front door as he spoke.
"Tell them you appreciate them coming to say hello, and that you can't wait to see them again," said Tom, surveying the groveling soldiers. "You could offer to sign autographs, but that would delay things quite a bit," he added.
"Although he's just being an idiot, it may not be a bad idea," said Russ.
"I ain't sayin' nothin', y'all. Let's go," answered Balloon tersely.
"Alrighty then," said Tom. "You're the boss, big man."
The travelers entered the single-wide one by one, with Balloon leading the way. He immediately went to the command center and flipped multitudes of switches to prepare for launch. Tom directed Rita to take a seat on the flower couch, trying to express sorrow for making her sit next to Victory. Rita scowled at him as he tried to speak to her in slow, loud English. However, as Victory sat down next to her, she began smiling from ear to ear.
"I just don't understand it," said Tom, half under his breath.
"Get in here, Tom," yelled Russ from the command center, "time to go." Tom left Rita and Victory, waving as he entered the other room. Rita pretended she didn't see him.
Tom took his usual seat and began the process of strapping himself in. As he did so, he looked out the viewing window and there saw the same Zaxmorthian Commander, shouting at them through the thick glass and stamping her feet. "I think she's really going to miss us," he said.
Balloon, now configuring the gaming controllers for flight, didn't pay any attention. Russ continued to watch the woman through the window: "she seems to be the only one out there who isn't enamored by you, Balloon. She must not think you're this Lord Protector guy, unlike everybody else we've met. What's she saying now?"
"Same ol' stuff," answered Balloon, now taking his seat between Tom and Russ, game controller in hand, "she sayin' we's gonna git arrested 'n they's gonna git us soon 'n what not."
"Isn't that nice?" laughed Tom. "Alright, gents, where are we going anyway?"
"That's a good question," answered Russ. "What do you think, Balloon?"
"We jist got to git us up 'n outta here; ain't matter where we land er nothin'," came Balloon's answer.
"The plan is, there is no plan!" said Tom, slamming his fist down on the armrest of his chair. As he did so, he noticed the Zaxmorthian Commander through the viewing window, taking a defensive position as if they were about to attack.
"I think you scared her," said Russ.
"She's scaring me. That deep-throated hiss thing she's got going is a bit intense."
"It doesn't seem to bother you when Rita talks that way," said Russ.
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"Well, that's an entirely different set of circumstances, now isn't it, Russell? For one, Rita has never hissed at me while holding a gun. Second, this evil alien lady looks like she could squash me like a bug. I mean, look at her, she's ginormous. She's no Victory, but if she keeps at it she'll be there soon enough."
Russ had tired of the conversation. "What do you need from me, Balloon? Are we about ready?"
Without saying a word in response, Balloon tapped a button on his game controller, at which point the travelers immediately heard the underbelly of the W.A.S.P. come to life. "We's ready. All we gots to do now is have us a countdown 'n make sure everbody is strapped in real nice 'n tight."
"Yee-ha," commented Tom.