by Pam Howes
Fran got to her feet. ‘Oh just ignore me. I’m tired and I don’t want to see Bella getting hurt again, that’s all. I’m going to the toilet.’ She strode away, leaving Bella and Edie staring after her.
Bella shrugged her shoulders. ‘Maybe she’s right. Time will tell. We’ll just have to see what happens. But I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket this time.
‘Anyway, enough about me. What have you heard from Stevie?’
Edie smiled, a dreamy look in her eyes. ‘He’s fine. Somewhere out in France, but he can’t tell me where of course. It’s just so nice to hear from him.’
‘You really like him, don’t you?’
‘I do. I never thought I’d ever meet anyone that felt so right, having only met him that once. But we seem to have a lot in common. Time will tell.’
Bobby’s quick response to Bella’s letter came as a surprise. She’d been expecting it to take him forever, if he even wrote back at all. But in less than a week, on their way to Scotland, Basil handed her an envelope containing several sheets of handwritten paper.
My dear Bella,
I cannot tell you how happy I was to receive your lovely and much-welcomed letter. The last few weeks have been traumatic, to say the least. Losing my father has taken its toll on all of us. Mother is inconsolable as you would expect.
What makes matters worse is that I was at the controls, well second in command anyway. It was only my third flight in control and will no doubt be my last. I feel distraught and responsible for my father’s death. I know that’s not true as Jerry shot us down, but you’ll understand what I mean.
Anyway, that besides, I’m in a bit of a mess to say the least. I won’t go into it but at least I can still see and hear and smell, so my senses, for what they are worth, are still intact, as I hope is my sense of humour. Mother and Alicia came to see me a while ago but Alicia hasn’t been back.
One thing I’m sure of: there was no baby, Bella. She tricked me, only three days after the wedding she said she was miscarrying but the doctor who came out to see her said she wasn’t pregnant and that it was just the normal monthly thing you women get.
I still love you and I always will. I hope that with you writing to me this means that we can still be friends, at least. I need you in my life Bella. Please help me to get through this mess. And one day, when this war is over and I can get a divorce, we might be able to be more than that. Just reading in your letter that we may be able to sing together again has given me hope that I might have a future, if not as your husband, at least as your singing partner, which is more than I could have hoped for.
Please write back to me as soon as you can and visit when you are near London. I will let you know as soon as I can if they decide to transfer me to a convalescent home when my burns are improving. I’ve asked for one near Liverpool if possible. Thank you Bella for giving me some hopes back.
All my love, Bobby. Xxx
Bella read and reread Bobby’s letter with tears streaming down her cheeks. Poor Bobby. And that bloody Alicia needed horse-whipping, as her mam would say. How callous and unfeeling of her. And Mam was right after all, as were Fran and Edie. There never was a baby. She folded the letter and put it in her handbag. She’d write back to him later. She needed to write to Earl as well when she had a minute.
With the Scottish shows out of the way, the ENSA troupe headed back towards their home territory of Liverpool, although they were staying in Didsbury at the usual digs. Time was flying, they seemed to be working harder than ever and there was still no sign of the war coming to an end. Thousands of American soldiers and airmen were now living in barracks in the UK and helping with the battle. There had been talk of taking the entertainments troupe across to Europe on ships and performing on board on the way but nothing had been firmly decided yet.
Bella didn’t really fancy doing that – she wasn’t good on water; even crossing the Mersey on the New Brighton ferry was a struggle the odd time she’d done it. Her heart wasn’t into anything much at the moment. She was still writing to Earl and although his letters were chatty and full of what he’d been doing, she felt he was a bit distant at times. Maybe, as Fran had said, she was just a bit infatuated with him, the way he could sing and dance onstage as well as the way he made her feel special when they sang together. But there was something missing, and she didn’t know what it was.
On the other hand, Bobby’s letters were frequent and friendly and she looked forward to receiving them and then writing back to him. She hadn’t been to London yet as they hadn’t been near the area, but he’d told her he was being transferred next month to a place on the Wirral, close enough to Liverpool for his mother to visit. She was now living back at her home on Prince Alfred Road and would be staying there permanently.
Of Alicia he’d had no news other than that she was still working in Oxfordshire, and he had asked his mother to instruct the family solicitor to instigate divorce proceedings.
Serves the girl right, Bella thought. So much for her professing to love Bobby. She’d made a right hash of that through her jealous behaviour, acting like a spoilt child. And now he was in a bad way, she didn’t want to know.
‘You okay?’ Fran’s voice broke into Bella’s thoughts.
‘Yes, I’m fine. Just feeling a bit sickly and tired for some reason, but I had a good sleep last night,’ Bella replied.
‘It’s all the travelling we do and rushing to eat while we can,’ Fran said. ‘Not to mention broken sleep from air raids. Although we’re luckier than most I suppose. ‘Anyway, soon be near home. Then you can catch up with Bobby if they’ve brought him up this way yet.’
‘And Earl,’ Bella reminded her. ‘We’re in Burtonwood again next week for a show.’
Fran nodded. ‘I know. I’m looking forward to sleeping in a real bed tonight. Camp beds play havoc with my poor old back. God, we’re only eighteen and already I feel as old as Mam with my achy back and knees.’
Bella frowned. ‘You’ve been saying your back hurts for a while, Fran. Why don’t you get one of the doctors at Burtonwood to examine you, make sure you haven’t pulled a muscle or hurt a disc or something?’
‘Hmm, I might do that. I’ll see how I feel after a night on a proper mattress. I’ll take a couple of aspirins before I go to bed.’
24
RAF Burtonwood, Warrington, June 1942
For the second morning in a row, Bella refused breakfast. She sat at the table in the Didsbury digs dining room, hugging a mug of tea and fighting the feeling of nausea that washed over her if she so much as dared to move. She was conscious of Fran looking closely at her. She avoided her eyes, because if Fran voiced her thoughts, Bella would have to face up to what she pretty much knew was wrong.
Fran pushed a plate of toast towards her. ‘Try a bit. You need something inside you before we go shopping.’ The trio had planned to visit Manchester city centre to see if they could get new lipsticks from Lewis’s store, as Liverpool’s was currently closed while it was made safe after the blitz attacks.
Bella pulled her face. ‘I can’t. I’m fine with this tea. I’ll get something while we’re out. She indicated a dish of scrambled eggs on the table. ‘I don’t like the powdered eggs,’ she said. ‘We’ve been spoiled with all the fresh ones we get at the camps.’
‘Tell me about it,’ Edie said, although she was shovelling forkfuls into her mouth as though enjoying it. ‘It’s so dry, but better than nowt. And I’m starving.’
Bella smiled weakly. ‘I’ll just go back upstairs while you two finish eating. See you in a bit.’ She left the dining room, conscious of Fran staring at her back. She hurried upstairs to the large bedroom the threesome shared and sat down on the bed. Her handbag was on the floor by the bed and she took her diary from inside, reluctantly opening the pages.
She counted again, knowing it wouldn’t be any different to yesterday’s count. She’d had no monthlies since March, since before she and Earl had made love, and now it was June. There was no other
reason for feeling like she did; she was carrying Earl’s baby. She lay back on the bed, feeling tears run down her face and on to the counterpane beneath her head. They weren’t tears of joy either. More like tears of despair.
The bedroom door opened and Fran and Edie walked in. Bella shuffled up the bed to let them sit down, and pulled herself into a sitting position. She gagged, jumped up and shot out of the room praying no one was in the bathroom. Thankfully it was empty: she dropped to her knees and retched up the tea she’d just drunk. Exhausted, she flushed the toilet and rinsed her face and mouth at the sink. She looked in the mirror on the windowsill and sighed. Big dark circles under her eyes. Not a look that suited her.
She made her way back to the bedroom and sat back down on her bed as two pairs of curious eyes stared at her. ‘I’m pregnant,’ she mumbled.
‘We guessed that,’ Fran said, going to sit beside her. ‘Oh, Bella, what are you going to do?’
Edie came and sat the other side and held her hand. ‘We’re here for you, you know that don’t you?’
‘Thank you,’ Bella said, tears running down her cheeks. ‘I’ll have to tell Earl tomorrow. There’s not much we can do, is there?’
‘He could offer to marry you,’ Fran said.
‘Can an American marry an English girl?’ Edie asked. ‘Is it that simple?’
Fran shrugged. ‘No idea. Don’t see why not though. I tell you what, Bella: you won’t be the only one. There’s thousands of Yanks here now and still arriving. Maybe you could go and live in New Orleans with his family.’
Bella was horrified at the suggestion. She looped her hair behind her ears and shook her head. ‘No, I don’t want to marry Earl, nor do I want to go and live in America.’ Saying it out loud, she realised it was true. ‘I want to be here with you two, and my family. But most of all I need to be here for Bobby. Oh God, this is such a disaster. Why has this happened to me now, of all times? I can’t believe it. Mam will go mad with me. I’ll have to stop singing – that’s letting everyone in the show down and I can’t help Mam out with money if I’m not working.’
‘Right.’ Fran took charge. ‘This needs a plan. First of all, you’ll have to tell Earl tomorrow. Once you’ve got that out of the way, you will need to speak to Basil. You’re only about three months, so you could still work for another three or four months. If you wear loose clothing no one will guess. You can get plenty of rest apart from rehearsals and stage time. We’ll make sure you do. Basil won’t want to let you go, I’m sure. Nearer delivery time you’ll have to take a few weeks off before and after and that should do it.’
Bella shook her head. ‘You think so? What do I do with a baby afterwards? Who will look after it? And how the hell do I face Bobby with this problem?’
Fran rolled her eyes. ‘Well, Bobby’s not as white as you paint him, is he? He got up to stuff, enough to make him marry the girl anyway. You won’t be seeing much of him, so does he really need to know?’
Bella sighed. ‘Maybe not. No one needs to know until the last few weeks, apart from Earl, and Basil of course. That gives me time to have a good think about things. I can’t believe I’m thinking this far ahead, but maybe the kindest thing to do would be to give the baby up for adoption, although I don’t know if I can bear that. But I won’t be able to support it unless I can work and that means being away all the time. Let’s see what happens tomorrow. I might feel better about all of this once I’ve seen Earl again.’
Earl had arrived back from his training duties mid-afternoon, halfway through rehearsals. He joined the Bryant Sisters onstage and they performed a medley of songs for that night’s show. He greeted everyone with a friendly hug and kiss and Bella didn’t feel his hug was any more special for her than it was for Fran and Edie. She felt a bit churned up at seeing him again, but singing along with him there was definitely that extra spark, which made her feel better. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it as they sang a duet.
‘I’ve some form-filling-in duties to attend to; I’ll see you all here later,’ he said afterwards. He dashed away, leaving Bella staring after him. Fran linked her arm and they made their way to a table where refreshments were being laid out.
‘You okay?’
Bella nodded. ‘After the show, maybe I’ll get the chance to talk to him alone.’
‘You need to make that chance,’ Fran said. ‘He seemed a bit unsure of himself, just then, don’t you think? Could be because you haven’t seen him for a while. Or maybe he’s just tired from training practices. Who knows?’
Bella’s head was in a whirl. She still felt a bit queasy, although as the day wore on the feelings lessened. Her mind was on Bobby and how she would be visiting him soon in the convalescent home on the Wirral. It was going to be hard to try to keep her face from registering shock seeing him in a wheelchair with just one leg.
It saddened her to think of her childhood friend like that. The times they’d run races at school, danced together, watching him play cricket with his pals on The Mystery Park with no worries about his future; singing with her at Speke Legion with not a care in the world. And at just eighteen he’d got a broken marriage behind him, had lost his father and survived a plane crash but was crippled for life.
He’d told her in his latest letter how much pain he was in while the burns healed. That there was always a risk of infection setting him back months. Poor Bobby. Her heart went out to him – and here she was with her life in a total mess and not knowing which way to turn.
At the after-party that night, Earl led Bella to a secluded part of the NAAFI and gave her a kiss. ‘You okay, honey? You’ve been awful quiet today. Is something wrong? I’ve been looking forward to seeing you again for weeks, but you seem a bit distant.’
Bella smiled and sat down at the small table with her back to everyone else in the room. She gestured for Earl to take a seat too. ‘I’m okay. But we need to talk.’ She saw a look of panic cross his face and his brown eyes, and almost lost her nerve.
‘We do?’ He raised a questioning eyebrow. ‘Have you met someone else, Bella? Am I about to get the Dear John letter in person? I guess that’s better than through the mail.’
‘What? Oh no, Earl. No. I need to tell you something.’
He nodded, looking puzzled. ‘Go ahead.’
‘I’m er…’ She hesitated. What would the Yanks call it? ‘I’m er, I’m expecting a baby, your baby, Earl.’ There, she’d done it and he was looking at her like she’d gone mad. Bella felt sick. He didn’t look very pleased; not that she’d been expecting him to, but a smile might have helped.
He shook his head. ‘You’re having my kid? Seriously? Boy, does that cause problems.’
‘Does it?’ She watched as he sat with his head in his hands, shaking it from side to side.
‘Oh man, it sure does.’
‘Why? You told me you loved me several times, including the day this happened.’
He nodded. ‘I did, and Bella, I do. But, oh shit, sweetheart, I’m a married man with a five-year-old daughter, same age as your little sister was. I wasn’t free to get involved with you and I shouldn’t have done.’
Bella felt winded. As though someone had punched her in the guts. That wasn’t what she was expecting at all. ‘Then why did you?’
‘Because…’ He looked at her and shrugged his shoulders. ‘Because I fell in love with you on sight. My marriage isn’t in a good place, I can’t see it lasting the war out if I’m honest, but no matter, at the moment I’m not free to make you any promises about the future.’
Bella nodded, a slight feeling of relief washing over her that he wouldn’t be getting down on one knee to propose marriage. But she’d still need some support, at least. She swallowed hard. ‘So, meantime, what do you suggest I do about this?’ She laid her hand on her slightly rounded stomach. ‘Because it’s here to stay. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything illegal, you’d better know that.’ She got to her feet and made to walk away before she broke down in front of him. Earl grabbed her han
d but she shook him off and went to find Fran and Edie. ‘I’m going to bed,’ she whispered to Fran. ‘See you later.’
Fran took one look at her face and summoned Edie to her feet. ‘Come on, we’re needed back at the hut.’
‘He’s what?’ Fran exploded. ‘Bloody married? Get away.’
Bella burst into tears. ‘So what do I do now? Any bright suggestions?’
Edie put her arm around Bella’s shoulders as she sobbed. She looked across at Fran, who shook her head in despair. ‘God alone knows. But you need to talk to Basil as soon as you can.’
‘I will. He’s taking me over to see Bobby tomorrow, so I’ll tell him on the way back. I won’t do it until then in case he accidentally says something to Bobby. I really can’t tell him yet. Maybe in time I’ll feel able to, but he’s got enough to contend with without me upsetting him further.’
‘You need to write to your mam as well,’ Fran suggested. ‘At least put her in the picture and ask her to keep it to herself.’
Bella blew out her cheeks. ‘That will be a tough one. Do I tell her the father is married, or what?’
Fran grimaced. ‘Not sure about that. Maybe in time but not right away, and I’d keep his race and nationality to yourself for now as well. Wait until you absolutely have to tell her.’
‘What, like when I’m in labour?’ Bella said, shaking her head. ‘God, how has this happened to sensible old me? How stupid could I be?’
Bella gazed out of the window, her mind in its usual turmoil, as Basil drove her over to see Bobby in his Wirral convalescent home. Earl had tried to speak to her this morning before he left to fly across the Channel, but she’d told him there was nothing to talk about. The NAAFI wasn’t the most private place to hold a conversation or have an argument and she was still trying to come to terms with everything that had happened. No matter what, apart from Fran and Edie she was on her own, for now anyway. But to her surprise she didn’t feel too sad, or even upset, by the fact that Earl was married.