She ran into my arms, squeezing me. “But, whadle I do without you and Mr. Jordan?”
I just held her close, wondering if her dancing heart could feel my breaking one.
We let her go. I wanted to go to bed, cover my head, and never get up again. I scraped the bottom of my barrel and found absolutely nothing. On the appointed day, Jillian carted away Bailey, her school supplies, her bicycle, her ballerina bear, a horde of other special things, and a piece of my heart.
Bailey’s slate was wiped almost as clean of our presence by Jillian as it had been wiped of Sue’s presence by Josiah. One at a time, Bailey’s drawings disappeared from the refrigerator. Rainy days washed all evidence of her drawings from the porches and driveways. After the bargained-for three weeks, no more appointments were scheduled. Jillian, true to her word, was done with the place.
On Valentine’s Day, Isabella went by Jillian and Thomas’s house with pink and red balloons, to be turned away by Jillian at the door. Weeks later, our sweet Bella graduated from college and moved to another part of the world. She’d intended to stay at the clinic after graduation and work as a file clerk but found she no longer enjoyed the place. We hugged her, bought a cake, gave her a card, and let her go also.
Alicia and I were devastated at the office.
I was sober and quiet at home. Jordan came over often, even though having known this day would come was why he’d left. He’d never wanted to see me suffer. He went about in his quiet, thoughtful way and took care of everything while I grieved my way through the bitter gnawing pain.
Bailey was gone. Like mist that disappears as the sun comes up, she was gone. Well, at least Jordan would come home now and stay. Wouldn’t he?
I walked through the house looking for him and found him in the laundry room folding warm clothes he pulled from the dryer. I put my arms around his waist as I walked up behind him.
“Baby, you’re staying now, right?”
“I didn’t leave because Bailey was here. Have you forgotten that I came home—suitcase in tow—ready to be your husband and her father? I love you and that little girl. You laughed again … and so did I. I thought she was the missing part of the life God had planned for us.” He shrugged. “You watched me fall in love with her. I left because you had not been honest with me. I left because I wasn’t willing to watch what was surely going to happen. But here I am. I’m watching it. They took her from you as I knew they would. And sure enough, your laughter has died. You mope around here because your heart is broken. And I know it is.” He turned to lay both hands on my shoulders. “You ask me to stay, but when you look at me, your eyes are empty again. The same kind of empty the middle-of-the month used to bring.”
“Jordan, please. Stay with me. I love you.”
“I love you, too. But I can’t.”
He kissed my cheek and walked out. Again.
I threw up for two days. I hit bottom. I had no one. Unable to sleep in my own bed, I slept in Bailey’s. I tried to pull her into my arms but only found her pillow. I called her name, but she didn’t answer. I would think I heard her sighing, but it was the refrigerator humming.
Mid-morning, someone tapped at the door. Jordan. Thank God, it had to be him.
No, the yard man who cut our grass. My grass I guess. He wanted to know if he needed to cut back the lantana. I didn’t know. I didn’t care. Okay, I told him. Cut it back.
Honest to goodness I tried to eat. I knew how much weight I’d lost. Every few steps, I pulled up my pants. Who wants to eat alone? Who wants to live alone? The house grew bigger by the day. All the beautiful furnishings I had so lovingly chosen and had once felt comforted by, were lost on me. There was nothing and no one to comfort me. I made a trip to Houston, to see my parents. They were glad to see me, but I left still empty. Dad had stood in the doorway with me, took my hands into his and asked God to comfort his little girl. He asked God to help bring peace between Jordan and me. He knew how much we loved each other.
A few weeks later, I slipped onto the back pew of my church. I wore almost no makeup and gave little thought to the clothes I stepped into. Unusual for me. My pastor took his sermon from the Song of Solomon. He explained that not only was the story about the love between Christ and the church but also a story of how a husband and wife should love each other. I knew the story but needed the reminder. Oh, Jordan, what had I done?
Oh, God, what had I done?
A thought began to nibble at me, gnawing at the raw edges of my memory. I remembered the dream from so long ago … the children … the water … the drowning … and my mother whispering something in my ear. Telling me something I needed to do. Just one thing …
“Catherine,” she’d said, the words as clear now as if I’d had the dream not five seconds ago, “the only thing—the one thing—you must do is keep Jordan first. His needs. His heart. His life.”
I sucked in my breath. No matter how much I loved and missed Bailey, I realized then that God had never approved of me putting anyone or anything above my husband. What if it was too late? Jordan hadn’t taken my calls since the last time he’d gone. It had been two weeks since he dropped by.
Help me, God.
Catherine, I know the plans I have for you. To prosper and not to harm you. I will be with you until the end of the world.
My spirit appreciated the reminder, but I stared down the barrel of the end of my world, and I couldn’t see anyone loving me, not even God. I knew He was with me even when I couldn’t feel Him, and I was grateful. But I couldn’t help but wish human arms could hold me. I wanted Bailey, but even more … I wanted Jordan. I did cherish Jordan, but I hadn’t made sure he knew it. I hadn’t realized the enormity of my failure until I sat, hopeless, on that hard pew, nearly too exhausted to breathe and with no makeup on my face. Too bad I hadn’t understood it better before my whole world splintered.
I trudged in the house from church to face the loudest silence of my life. I tried to call Jordan to tell him about church and what God had shown me through the pastor’s sermon but got no answer. I didn’t know if he still loved me. Or if he may have moved on to someone else.
I cried the rest of the day.
I tried to learn how to be alone but needed the slow-learners class. Someone at the university told me she saw Jordan having lunch with a new female-faculty member. “Two days in a row,” she said.
I didn’t care. If Jordan was interested in someone else, there was nothing left for me. Bailey was evidently okay with Thomas and Jillian. I was the only one not okay.
I crept through my house at night like a ghost. I didn’t laugh. I didn’t cry. I did nothing but creep. The silence penetrating everything may have been the hardest part. I slid into bed sometime in the middle of the night. The lunch rumors taunted me. I fell backward into an empty blackness I hadn’t ever previously known. Not even Bubba’s death had done this to me.
We had a couple more weeks of winter before us. I felt cold all over, all the time. There was a chill that hadn’t left my body for weeks, no matter that I kept the fireplace at home burning most all time. Since the hard-hitting sermon, I had prayed for the opportunity to tell Jordan about the light God had shone inside my heart to reveal the sin I’d committed by not putting him first.
Alicia and I went about our busy schedules taking care of the people who needed us. There would always be people with broken hearts. Evidently, I would be among their masses.
Physician, heal thyself.
Then came the Monday I’d scheduled for my gynecological appointment. The one where she shared the bitter truth about my body. The walls of my uterus had hardened. A traveling embryo would not be able to complete implantation but instead would pass through my body as my monthly cycle. That happened to all women at some point, but not usually till forty-five or so. My doctor explained, as gently as she could, that this hardening ended any lingering hope of a child. As difficult as that was to hear, I wasn’t as devastated as either of us expected me to be. God had already walked m
e through the process of knowing I would somehow be okay.
I sat at the kitchen table and ate a cardboard sandwich. I had put turkey on whole wheat but couldn’t taste it. I thought I heard some movement in the house, but I knew better. Nonexistent sounds had tortured me for weeks. But when gentle hands were placed on both my shoulders from behind, I jumped straight from my chair.
Chapter 31
“Ilove you, Katie Girl.”
“Jordan.” I swung around to face him. “I—”
He pulled me into his arms, against his warm body. The ever-present chill melted as he held me.
“You are probably here temporarily,” I said as quickly as I could, “but there are things I need to explain.”
“I am here for as long as we both shall live.”
“What …?” First, my uterine walls had hardened, and now my hearing was going.
“Katie Girl, no matter how difficult things became, I know now that I should never have left you. I should have loved you like Christ loved the church. At church, a few Sundays back, the pastor took his sermon from the Song of Solomon. I needed that sermon. He spoke straight to me. Katie, I’m sorry.” He pulled me into his arms again. My face fit into his neck. Just the way it always had.
“I was at the same service and heard the same sermon. I didn’t know you were there.”
“We attend a church that seats 2,600 people,” he said with a laugh. “I didn’t see you either. There was nothing new in the sermon, but I needed to be reminded just how much a marriage demands unconditional love. That love is supposed to give us acceptance of each other, even when we don’t agree on every detail. Katie, I am so sorry. I will never walk away from you again. You are my love.”
I stepped back. “Jordan,” I said, after pulling in a deep breath. “I went to the doctor on Monday. It’s final. We are never going to have a baby. If you come home, it’s going to be you and me forever.”
“Katie, in my heart, I’ve known that for a long time.” Compassion filled his eyes. “But are you okay?”
“Yes. I am now. I told God if He would give me another chance with you, I wouldn’t mess it up by being unhappy about what we don’t have. I walked away that Sunday with peace. I’m still fragile, but I want to be the best wife you could dream of.”
“You already are. We just ran things terribly off track.” He looked around at the kitchen as if seeing it for the first time. “There’s no place like home,” he quipped, and my heart squeezed, remembering Jacy’s words. “I want you to always know,” he continued, drawing me back, “that I wish Bailey could have been part of our family, but God must have other plans for us.”
“Thank you for that. I’ll be okay if you’re here. I made peace with everything on my knees. Yes, I miss her, but she isn’t ours and won’t ever be.”
He pulled me into his arms again, and I grew weak in the knees. Nothing had changed. Jordan was a part of me, and I’d never find wholeness without him. God had truly joined us together as one. Thank you, Father.
I have never left you for a moment. I was always near as your next breath. I will never leave nor forsake you. You are My child. I never forsake My children. I know the thoughts and intentions of your heart. Nothing would ever be sweeter than God’s reminders. And I had Jordan too. My heart was full; my cup ran over.
Jordan pulled me toward our room. “We have forever to talk, but you look like you haven’t slept in forever. For tonight let’s just hold each other with the assurance that neither of us will ever leave. Nothing on earth could pull me away again.” He smiled and gave me a wink. “But tomorrow night …”
“Yes, tomorrow night,” I said with a chuckle. “And the night after that.”
He pulled me on through the bedroom to our bathroom. He literally wiped my makeup from my face and brushed my hair. He added paste to my toothbrush and handed it to me. He knew I hardly held myself together. But I was happy.
Jordan and I quickly fell into our old routine. We went to our favorite seafood place every Friday because both universities closed at noon. He ate grilled tilapia while I dug into shrimp creole, with just the right amount of spice. We consumed chilled salads and munched garlic bread. Life tumbled back in place as day after day Jordan and I both made renewed efforts to meet each other’s needs. We took long walks and talked about absolutely everything.
We took weekend trips to Fredericksburg—just southwest of Austin then shuffled down toward Louisiana and spent days in St. Francisville—where we’d honeymooned. We explored antique shops and took tours through our favorite antebellum homes, gardens, and old mansions.
Mostly, we laughed. Whether ice cream dripped from waffle cones down our chins or whether it didn’t, we were good again. Bailey would always nestle close to my heart, but I learned to gives thanks for the time she’d been with us. I would often hear a little girl gurgle with laughter and turn around. My soul stirred at the sight of every blonde-haired girl soaring past on a pink and purple bike. When my heart threatened to fail, I blocked it in its tracks. I would give instant thanks for all I had and send up immediate prayer asking for God’s favor to permeate her life.
Then, after weeks of going to old favorite places, we played hooky, and stayed home from work, something we’d never done before. We never peeled off our pajamas but just lounged around all day, like lizards. We laughed. We read. And we didn’t take calls. We declared a national pajama day, though we were the only two who knew. That night we crawled into bed with popcorn and cokes to watch Wheel of Fortune and Law and Order. I nibbled more of his neck than popcorn until the doorbell interrupted.
“Who on earth?” Jordan asked. “It’s nearly nine o’clock.”
“Maybe we should just ignore it. The living room lights are off. No one can tell we’re home.”
But whoever was at the door was persistent. The bell rang over and over, followed by knocks. Jordan left the bed with me trailing behind him, tying my robe. When he opened the front door, Jacy Reynolds stood on our porch.
“Can I help you?” Jordan didn’t know her.
I stepped from behind Jordan. “Sweetheart, what on earth brought you here? Is everything okay with the baby? Is Bailey—?”
“Yes,” she held a protective hand over her expanding belly. “Everything is fine with my baby.” But Jacy stood at our door and started to weep.
“Come in, sweetheart.”
“No, I’ll stand here.”
But she looked chilled, so I grabbed a jacket from the hall closet and threw it around her shoulders, waiting to hear. To understand.
“Thank you,” she said, wrapping it around herself.
“Sure,” I said, standing there feeling more than a little curious.
“When I talked Mom into taking Bailey from you, I’d convinced myself it would go well for Bailey. I thought Mom would learn to love her, to feel protective of her.”
I stared at Jacy. But Jordan stepped beside me. “Is Bailey not okay?”
“She knows my mom doesn’t love her. Thomas won’t pay her any real attention. She won’t eat and doesn’t sleep. When she does, it’s because she exhausted herself crying for you, Catherine, and you, Mr. Collier.”
I knew I should say something. But what?
Jacy continued, “My intentions were good, but I made the biggest mistake ever when my mom and I walked out of the clinic with Bailey. Her teacher has been calling Thomas. Instead of doing her work, she lays her head on her desk or stares into space. I can’t stand it anymore. If you still want her …” She looked behind her. “She needs you.”
If I still want her? I didn’t speak one word. I would never again go against my husband. Never again. But, oh dear Lord … Bailey wasn’t happy. She wasn’t well.
“Jacy,” Jordan said. “We both love Bailey and would take her in a heartbeat, but without being able to have her legally, we would just be opening ourselves to endless heartache. I don’t think Katie could go through losing her again.”
My heart screamed. We’ll take
her anyway. But I had promised God to allow Jordan to speak for our house. I slid my hand into his and squeezed.
“Oh, I forgot.” Jacy opened her purse and pulled some papers. “Official adoption forms will have to be filed, but I have some papers here. Thomas and Mom filled them out. They grant you guardianship and papers giving you authority to seek medical attention on her behalf.” She extended them, and Jordan took them as a gasp escaped my lips.
Jordan squeezed my hand. “This is good, and we appreciate it, but we need something legally binding,” Jordan said.
“If you look, they had their signatures notarized.”
Jordan released my hand to unfold the pages. I raised my eyes to read over him, all the while feeling the earth swallow me.
“God have mercy on this child,” he said. He handed the papers to me, and I took them. Thomas’s handwriting explained that he loved her but still didn’t know her. So, you can have her, he wrote. Jillian had scrawled under Thomas’s signature: Catherine, I told you I didn’t want her. Please take her. At the bottom, a raised notary’s seal.
“Ryan’s father is an attorney,” Jacy continued, “and his uncle a judge. Ryan’s dad told him that by leaving Bailey in your care for months, her father could face charges of child abandonment. During that same period, he and Jillian committed social security fraud. We don’t think anyone will be bothering you if you have Bailey. However, if Mom or Thomas ever tried to take her, Ryan’s uncle believes no judge would withhold legal adoption from you. He suggested you call him first thing. He would love to help you. This whole story made him so sad for Bailey, and he doesn’t even know her.”
I turned to Jordan. He turned to Jacy.
“Okay,” he said. “When would we—”
Jacy looked behind her again, then turned fully toward the car and motioned for something.
The passenger’s door opened then, and Bailey scrambled from the car’s interior. “Mama, Mama,” she screamed. “I missed you so much!” I squatted down, and she climbed me like a tree, as she had after her nightmare about her mother’s murder, but this time for a happy reason. “Jacy brought all my things. They don’t want me. That’s okay cuz I don’t want them either. They don’t like me. All the ice cream is for Justin.” She laid her wet face against my own. “I never want to leave here. Can I come in? Can I come home? Can I stay forever?”
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