by Abigail Agar
“And if that is the case, if there are things you would prefer not to share, does that mean that you will spend your entire life in loneliness, hiding away and not allowing anyone to hear what is in your heart?” John asked.
“Oh, good heavens. I cannot say. What do I know about what is in my heart? I am a fool, John, but not the same sort of fool that you are,” Hamish said.
“And what sort of fools are we? What makes us different?” John asked.
“You are a fool for love and romance. I am a fool for thinking myself above that when it is honestly what I want,” he confessed.
“Then, you must tell me. What do you want?” John asked.
John obviously knew that Hamish had feelings for Miss Reid, but he still wanted to deny it to his friend, even if it was too late for that. Maybe he could at least deny the fact that it had affected him so much.
No, he needed to just get over it. He had to tell the truth and be open to the fact that John might judge him.
Why wouldn’t John judge him? After all, it was a silly thing. Hamish had been such a fool for not keeping his wits about him when it came to this young woman.
Hamish sighed and clenched his jaw for a moment before answering.
“You know that I want to have a courtship with Miss Reid. Despite myself, despite all my best judgements, that is what I truly desire. Oh, and I do not know why. It is such a foolish thing to want when she obviously has a no interest,” Hamish said.
“No interest? I thought that she was rather fond of you. She certainly looks to be,” John said.
“Looked. Perhaps, she once looked to be. I thought as much, anyway. But now? Now, she is constantly upset with me,” Hamish said.
“Constantly? Why is that? Why would she be upset with you in a constant fashion?” John asked.
“Oh, I do not know. Well, that is not true. I suppose it makes sense. I did have to question her. I hurt her feelings. Although I have begun to fall in love with her, I know that I have hurt her a great deal. She does not trust me now. She will not,” Hamish said.
John laughed and the tension in the air broke, although Hamish was annoyed that his Sergeant was chuckling at his expense.
Still, he was curious as to John’s thoughts. After all, John was the one who had already been long married and was quite a bit better in terms of marital advice than anyone else Hamish could think of.
“Of course you hurt her feelings. Do you think any woman wishes to know that the man she cares for does not trust her? Oh, that must have been utterly terrible for her. She has every right to be angry,” he said.
John was right about that. She was angry that he had questioned her. He had been given no choice. Still, she had been hurt.
“Yes, yes. I know all of this. I know exactly why she was angry, although it really isn’t fair. I had to ask those questions. She wanted me to do my job, to investigate this. What else could I possible do? If I did not ask her, if I refused to question her, would she not have been just as angry at me? Then I would be guilty of not putting forth effort in this investigation,” Hamish reasoned.
“Yes, you and I may see it that way. But she is not an investigator, Inspector. She does not see it that way. She can have no idea what it is like to be looking at cases and wondering who is guilty and who is innocent. You can hardly blame her for not knowing,” John said.
“Perhaps you are right. How is it fair that I should think that she would know exactly what it is that we do?” he asked himself aloud.
“Well, I am glad that you can understand that she must be thinking that way as well. Honestly, we cannot expect others to know what it is that we do. How can we? They are not trained as we are, they are not given these duties. So, you ought to think about that next time. Before you allow her or any other woman to be hurt,” John said.
“You are right,” Hamish conceded.
“However, I know that my wife has a great understanding of what it is that we do,” John began.
“And?” Hamish asked.
“Well, it makes me wonder. You are our Inspector and we depend upon you for a great many things. Do you really want to be married to a woman who does not understand your work?” John asked.
And that was the real question.
With everything that they had been talking about, John had finally come down to it. This was the point that would make all the difference and it was precisely what Hamish needed to consider.
Could he? Could he really be with a woman who did not understand the work that he did? Did he want to spend his life with someone who had unrealistic expectations of him? What if they actually managed to find one another, to be happy together, only to learn that she couldn’t be happy with his duties?
Thus far, she had not been very understanding. She had treated him as though he should give her some sort of special treatment in the midst of all of this.
Was that fair? It didn’t feel fair to him.
“I fear that you have managed to reach one of my greatest wonders,” Hamish said.
“That you may have fallen in love with a woman who is incompatible with your work?” John asked.
“Precisely. After all, I am rather devoted, as you know. This precinct is my lifeblood. I have poured everything I have into this place. But…well, the idea of family and having a wife and children, it is all consuming at times,” he said.
“I know that you greatly hope for it. And I am not saying that it shall never come. Only, I want you to be sure that you marry a woman who wants it for you as well. Someone who can understand the importance of your duty and the office that you hold,” John said.
“And, I do not know that Miss Reid could possibly be that woman. Not when she believes that she may insist upon a case and then dislikes the way that I carry it out,” he said.
“Very well. You deserve a woman who will understand you and want to see you flourish. Not someone who is going to be upset with you at all times because you refuse to make adjustments in how you act based upon her chosen whims that day,” John said, rather harshly.
Hamish disliked the fact that he was being so irritated by Miss Reid, but he could also understand it. After all, she really was putting his duties at risk by being so discontent with them and swinging him about every which way.
Why wouldn’t he be bothered by the way she tossed him about, turning him to her will and then being angry if he did not do it just the way she wished for him to?
“You must stop thinking about work. As much as you need to find someone who is compatible with everything that makes you who you are, you ought to cease trying to fit a woman into your work duties. Begin asking your heart what it truly wants,” John said.
“What does that mean?” Hamish asked, laughing.
“It means that you need to be sure of what you are seeking,” he replied as he left the office.
What was the truth? What did his heart want?
The truth was, Hamish wanted a family. He missed the family that he had when he was younger.
Whenever he looked at John and his family, he felt envy surge within him. he wanted that for himself as well.
The idea of having a family of his own was incredibly tempting. It was something that he had been desiring for such a long time, but thought that he might never have.
He began to wonder, if he could make things right, could he really have a future with her? Was it possible that all of this could finally be resolved?
There was only one thing he could think to do. If she would not speak to him in person, Hamish would write her a letter.
Dear Miss Reid,
I hope this letter finds you well. I hope that you do not get rid of it at once as the time in which you discover that it is from me.
I am well aware of the fact that things have gone poorly between us. And I understand why. You have every reason to be upset for the fact that I questioned you.
I hope that you know that I never once believed that you were guilty. I had to do my duty, but it certainly
did not reflect my opinion of you.
Early on, when I agreed to investigate this, we spoke about the fact that I would have to question people and do things my way. I suppose I was insensitive in thinking that you understood that it would mean questioning even someone I did not believe to be guilty.
I am sorry for what I did and the pain that it caused you. I know that none of this has been easy and you were simply worried for your friend. However, I also hope that you know I would never truly question whether or not you were guilty.
I do believe that we have come to know one another well enough that it was never even on my mind.
I think very highly of you, Miss Reid. I consider you to be an exceptional young woman. Although this may mean nothing to you, my opinion might not matter in the least, I want you to know that because it is true. I want you to know that because it is the reason for which I know you could not have anything to do with this matter.
I wished to give you my heartfelt apology for all of the hurt that I caused. Now that I have done so, I would like for you to consider forgiving me.
If you choose to, please come see me whenever it is convenient for you. If you do not, I suppose that is my burden to bear.
Your friend,
Hamish Brock
Hamish folded the letter into thirds and sealed it.
He decided that he would have it take them to her at a later time that day, when no one would notice that he had put forth so much effort to get it to her.
He hoped that it would be accepted and that she would forgive him.
If not, he was at a loss as to what to do.
Chapter 33
“I honestly did not think that you would ever find those gloves again, but when you did, I was amazed at the look of joy upon your face,” Rachel said, reminiscing with Georgiana about a ball a few months prior.
“Oh, goodness, my mother would have been so furious had I really lost them,” Georgiana said.
“Your mother would be furious if you even considered losing them,” Rachel said, laughing.
“Good heavens, you are far too bold,” Georgiana said, laughing along. She knew that it was a very cheeky thing for Rachel to make jokes about her mother like that, but Georgiana was delighted by it and found it rather amusing. She only wished that they had been given more chances to laugh like this before Rachel had been sent away.
“You know, I did accidentally ruin that hem. The one she was so angry about. I let her believe that it had been her own fault, that the stain was from her own doing,” Rachel confessed, looking plagued by some haunting memory.
“My mother had it repaired just last week. She can hardly mind the fact of a little stain. Besides, she has done it before herself, which is why I believe she was free to take responsibility. Whatever pride she has, she cannot abide it when people speak ill of her and she would have expected to be teased if she denied doing something she had done previously,” Georgiana reasoned.
“Well, regardless, there are times when I feel as though I was treated far too well in your home. I feel that this…this is my punishment,” she said.
“Your punishment? No, you mustn’t think of it that way,” Georgiana said.
Rachel’s eyes filled with tears, but she bit her lip against them and then shook her head as if to clear her mind of all memory and emotion.
A moment later, she was back to normal.
“Any news regarding the Baron of Ayre?” she asked.
“Rachel, please. Why are you doing this? We do not need to speak of me or the Baron or anything like that. I came here because we are friends and friends share one another’s burdens. Why will you not speak to me about what is hurting you?” Georgiana asked.
“Because it is all so painful. I mean, I did have a life in your home. No, in truth, I was not happy. No young woman wishes to grow up to work as a maid in someone’s home. I just wanted a life out of there,” Rachel said.
Then, shifting her mood to an even darker place, she added, “I suppose I got what I had wished for.”
Georgiana rested a hand upon Rachel’s arm. It was difficult to see her so distraught.
“Rachel, I am sorry that you are having to struggle like this. I know that things are challenging right now. But you do have a wonderful future ahead and things will be bright again. You are made for more than being a maid. Tell me, what is it that you really want?” Georgiana asked.
“Hmm? Why would I think about what I want? I am so unlikely to ever have it,” Rachel said.
“Have it or not, I am curious. What do you want for your life?” Georgiana pushed and prodded.
Rachel thought for a moment before replying.
“I want a handsome husband. One with a moustache. And I want him to work with fabrics and fashions. That way, he could make me stylish things whenever I want them and he would have friends who are shoemakers and milliners and dressmakers,” she said.
“Goodness, I had no idea this was your dream!” Georgiana said, laughing.
“That is because it is terribly shallow. Of course, I want my husband to be kind and loving. But I also want to marry because I want a family. Soon. I want to have children and be a mother. More than anything,” she said.
“That is a very good and very noble thing to desire,” Georgiana said.
“Yes, well, that is what I want. But you have not answered my question about the Baron,” Rachel pointed out.
“Oh, I do not wish to speak on that subject any more than you wanted to speak on the former. My mother wants me to fall in love with him but that could never be so. I simply do not care for him in the least anymore,” Georgiana said.
“You never did appear to be overly smitten,” Rachel said.
“I was simply duty-bound,” she confessed.
Georgiana leaned back in the chair. It felt so good to speak with Rachel again.
She could see that there was a hesitancy and Rachel’s face, something was stopping her from being completely open and honest.
Georgiana understood that. Rachel still didn’t know who from her family had been behind all of this and she had every reason to be cautious around Georgiana.
Still, it bothered her. She didn’t want someone else’s mistakes to get in the way of her friendship. If her mother or father or brother had been involved in sending Rachel away, it was not something that she had anything to do with. It should not impact her friendship.
But she was reasonable and she understood that it could not be that way. She was stuck having to face the reality that Rachel was going to be suspicious.
“And you? What is going on here?” Georgiana asked.
Rachel shrugged.
“More of the same, really. Just wondering who it is that keeps bothering me, who it is that wants me to go through some terrible, difficult struggle and being unable to care for my family as I am so busy trying to find new work,” she said.
As Rachel had still not returned, Georgiana was very worried for her. She was frightened that something was going on, that someone might come after Rachel. She didn’t know what could happen, but she had a terrible sense in her gut that things were not over yet.
What if none of this had anything to do with her family? What if it was someone else entirely? What if it was someone else who was dangerous?