“Keep your overactive imagination to yourself,” Edith responded tartly. “I ride for nothing other than the thrill of the wind in my face.”
“If you say so,” Miles said unconvinced. “Whatever the reason, it has to stop.”
“I don’t normally make a habit of misusing my horses and of course I know it can’t continue,” Edith said. “Now stop lecturing me. You’re sounding like Mother.”
“Fortunately for us both, she’s having too much fun in London to be bothered about us,” Miles said.
“Who would have thought that we’d be hiding out in the countryside and she’d be enjoying the season to the full?” Edith said with a chuckle. “Funny how life turns out.”
“I’m improving every day. I’ll soon be well enough to stand the journey and activities when I arrive, which means I should return to London,” Miles said.
“We knew I was going to spend some time here alone,” Edith said. “I think I’m going to write to cousin Adele and see if she would like an extended visit with me. We can see how we fare and at the same time I can look for a place to set up home.”
“I still don’t think it’s a good idea,” Miles felt obliged to point out.
A maid knocked on the door, preventing Edith from replying to her brother. She was handed two letters by the servant. After she had left, Miles looked at Edith askew. “Anything I should be worrying about?”
“Pfft. You should work on these trust issues you have,” she scolded. “Letters from Susan and Lady Pensby. Have you any objections to either of those?”
“No. Although I think keeping in touch with Lady Pensby will just keep your feelings to do with Pensby a little raw, do you not agree? Distance is usually better in these cases.”
“Miles! Is there something you’d like to share with me? That sounds like the voice of experience,” Edith said archly.
“Not at all. But I have eyes,” Miles said with a shrug.
“Well my eyes are going to study these letters, so I shall leave you be,” Edith said, standing and moving to the door. She paused before leaving. “You really do need to stop worrying about me. I’ll be fine.”
Entering the hallway, she blew out her cheeks. How she’d not given herself away in front of Miles, she had no idea. Recognising the handwriting on one of the letters had nearly sent her into a spasm. Ralph had written to her. The second letter she’d told the truth about, it was from Susan, but she could not have admitted the truth of the first letter to Miles.
Barely able to wait until she closed the door on her chamber, she tore at the seal and opened the letter.
Dear Miss S,
Please don’t burn this letter, not until you have given me the chance to explain myself, although I realise I don’t deserve your understanding.
What I’ve done is unforgivable. I know it now and I knew it from the start. Which I suppose makes my actions even worse, but I’ve promised myself I’ll always be honest with you from now on. A decision I’m currently thinking I perhaps haven’t thought through fully.
My actions don’t excuse the matter that I needed to speak to someone and my first instinct was to turn to you. I suppose in another life, things would have been so different, but who knows? I was speaking the truth when I said you were my anchor. For the first time ever, I could say a little of what was troubling me. I admit to hoping that as you read my words there will be a stirring of the sympathy for which you are renowned by those who regard you. I hope for my sake, my gamble is paying off.
The expression on your face as we parted that last time, is haunting my nights. It is my last image of you and although I long to recount your smiling face, your laugh, your face as I kissed you, I can’t shake off the look you gave me when I hurt you with my words. I am so sorry that I caused you such pain.
Since I’ve met you, it’s as if you have crawled into my being and filled my every thought. Now I am bereft at your loss, even though it is as a result of my own actions.
If I thought it would help, I would beg an audience with you, to ask your forgiveness, but I dare not. To receive your refusal, would take away the one last grain of hope that I have to see you again.
I don’t think I will ever be at peace if I am prevented from being in your company once more.
Are you cursing me to the devil? Are you laughing at my stupidity? Are you angry with my audacity? Do whatever makes you feel better, but I hope that a little part of your heart can go some way to forgiving me. In time perhaps.
Your servant,
Mr S
Edith put her head in her hands after reading the letter through three times in quick succession. Groaning, she scrunched the letter in her fist. “What are you trying to do to me? Torture me? Because it’s working!” she whispered fiercely at the innate piece of paper.
Putting the letter into the drawer which had a lock to it, she turned to the letter from her friend. “I refuse to reply and give you any encouragement,” she muttered to herself.
*
Two days later Edith received another letter. She was in the library, alone, and thankful that Miles was outside testing himself on horseback to see how his wounds stood up to the exercise.
Breaking the seal, her heart sped up. She hadn’t replied and yet he’d written again.
My Dear Miss S,
I can only presume my words helped to keep you warm as they burned in your fire. It saddens me, but I can’t say I blame you.
My mother is well and sends her love, which sort of takes the magic away from writing a love letter, when it is filled with regards from a parent.
Did I mention these were going to be love letters? I don’t suppose I did. After our last set of correspondence I can understand if you are suspicious of the fact, but believe me when I say they are.
After you left, I came to realise that I’m not whole without you. The thought terrifies me, but it is the truth. I was taken to task by my darling mother – who is far too fond of you for my liking. If my wishes were to come true, I’m afraid I would never win an argument, with you both always sticking together.
That would be a small price to pay to have you by my side for the rest of my life. For that is what I want. Do I speak out of turn? Probably. At the moment I am prevented from seeing you, so this is my only form of communication.
I was mistaken you see. I thought that if I didn’t marry or have children I could keep my mother safe and with me for as long as I possible. I just couldn’t face the thought of losing her. It was only after your visit and talking to my mother that I realised I’d been mistaken. I can’t control what happens to her. I can provide the best medical help we can find and all the comfort and support she needs when she’s had one of her episodes, but I can’t stop the reality of one day losing her. No matter what I do.
In truth, all I was doing was preventing myself from being happy and that was brought home to me when I met you. All of a sudden my future looked bleak, because you would not be in it. I have sat and wondered how many children we would have and if they would all be as beautiful as their mother, and then I would ache with longing to be with you. From first meeting you, I could never again be content with my foolish choices.
Edith, I’ve loved you from the first time we met. From the moment you walked down those stairs in Curzon Street, I was completely besotted.
Please find it in your heart to one day forgive my foolish behaviour.
Yours always,
Mr S
Edith rested her head against the sofa back on which she was seated. He’d all but proposed to her! The one thing she wanted more than anything and he’d done it.
Not knowing what to think or how to act, she read and reread the letter. There was no doubt, he was declaring his feelings for her. “You silly man,” she quietly cursed. “How the devil am I going to respond to you?”
It was true, if she wrote back and asked Miles to frank her letter, he would either refuse outright, or immediately want to know exactly what was going on. Knowing Mile
s, he’d probably ride over to Lymewood and give Ralph the beating he’d promised him previously.
She could take the letter to the village and post it at the post office, but that would cause gossip and Miles would surely get to hear about it. She could send a letter to Lady Pensby, but somehow that felt wrong. There was also the chance that Lady Pensby would read Edith’s words and her cheeks burned at even the thought of that.
No. She couldn’t do anything, which meant Ralph wouldn’t realise she’d been affected by his words and would probably give up.
She could have cursed as well as any man ever did.
Chapter 25
My Dear Miss S,
I have decided to take matters into my own hands. If you are ignoring my letters at least you haven’t written to ask that I stop writing.
Bearing that in mind, I am going to become a man of action and for once in my life, fight for what I want.
I just hope you still want me.
Yours always
Mr S
Ralph was taking one heck of a risk. He could be met at the door by an army of staff, all led by an angry Miles. Or an angry Edith, come to that.
The days between sending the letters had been torture. He’d wanted her to reply, waiting every moment to be handed a letter, but although his ears had strained at every noise, no missive had been delivered.
“She won’t trust you again so easily,” Lady Pensby had soothed as her son paraded backwards and forwards across her bedchamber.
“I know. But even if she sent me a letter cursing me to the Americas and back, I would at least know how she feels and whether my efforts are wasted,” Ralph said.
“You can’t expect her to fall into your arms, metaphorically speaking of course. It was always going to be harder because she can’t see that you are in earnest.”
“That’s it, isn’t it? I’ll have to go to her,” Ralph said. “If she won’t believe my words, I’ll speak to her face-to-face.”
“You will still need to tread carefully,” Lady Pensby cautioned.
“I’ll have to work out a way of actually seeing her first. Longdon is hardly likely to welcome me with open arms after the threat from his lips he left me with.”
“You will have to control your temper. No fighting to rid yourself of all this frustration,” Lady Pensby cautioned.
Ralph smiled. “I’m hardly likely to land a punch when I’m hoping to persuade him I’m the man for his sister.”
“Good. Now go with my blessing and bring yourself back a wife.”
“I wonder if she’ll marry here?” Ralph asked.
Lady Pensby smiled. “I won’t expect you to wait. Why not get yourself a special licence and have done with it?”
“Mother! Are you really suggesting we marry in such a way?” Ralph asked, aghast.
“Of course. I don’t want you to have any opportunity for foolish thoughts to creep in on your part. Lady Edith is perfect for you. I knew that the moment I set eyes on her. Now, go and get yourself a bride and me a daughter,” Lady Pensby instructed.
Ralph approached the bed and kissed his mother’s head which was wrapped in a lace cap. “Fine. I’ll do exactly as you wish, but when the house is full of a dozen brats, don’t complain that there are too many children.”
“Never, you foolish boy! God speed, my son.”
*
Ralph had stayed in the next village to where the Longdon family lived. He didn’t want any hint of his actual arrival to be passed to the house. His letter had given enough clues.
Having had a poor night’s sleep, he rose early and set out for Barrowfoot House. He’d brought no valet with him, just a small bag and his horse. After making his decision, there’d been no point in delaying, so travelling on horseback was the quickest way of reaching Edith.
Riding sedately down the drive at Barrowfoot House, he was able to admire the parkland. It was in Hampshire, a county with rolling hills rather than mountains, but it had a pleasing aspect. It had taken him two hard days travel and he’d arrived late the previous night, causing a little suspicion of being some sort of ne’er do well when he’d first arrived at the inn.
Now, he was actually going to find out whether or not his journey had been in vain. The driveway opened up to reveal a limestone built Palladian house. It looked modern and impeccable and to the now slightly daunted Ralph, a little intimidating.
As he dismounted, the door was opened by a footman. “I’m here to see Lord Longdon,” he said.
“He’s away from home at the moment, sir.”
“Is Lady Edith at home?” Ralph asked.
“If you’d like to step in, sir, I shall take your card.”
Ralph stepped into the square marble hallway. Handing the footman his card, he was shown to a small anteroom with a side table and chairs. Unable to sit, Ralph paced the small room. At least Miles wasn’t there. He didn’t want to deceive his friend, but he also didn’t want to see him quite yet, only the etiquette of his situation had caused him to ask for Miles first.
The footman returned and asked Ralph to follow him. Leading him to a ground floor drawing room, he opened the door for Ralph and stood back as he entered.
Edith had risen as Ralph walked through the doorway. She nodded dismissal to the footman and then turned her attention to Ralph. “Lord Pensby.”
This wasn’t a good start, Ralph thought as he looked at the impassive expression on Edith’s face. “Lady Edith, forgive me, I could wait no longer. I had to see you,” he said, taking a step towards her then faltering as his courage failed him a little.
Edith remained standing. “I see.”
“Am I too late? Did I destroy your good opinion forever?” Ralph asked. “Tell me my case isn’t completely hopeless.”
“No.”
“No? You have decided against me?”
“I haven’t decided anything. For I don’t fully know what is being offered,” Edith admitted. She was watching closely, trying not to be affected by his pale face and worried expression. He looked younger and more vulnerable as he stared at her, seeming to be waiting for the slightest hint of her feelings.
Ralph placed his hat and gloves on the nearest couch. He’d kept hold of them whilst in the hallway, needing to grip onto something. Stepping closer to Edith, he held out his hands. “I offer you everything. My heart. My soul. My life. My love,” he said quietly.
Calm, Edith thought. Taking a steadying breath, she was able to sound tolerably unmoved. “But you had such firm opinions on marriage that you were extremely keen to share. What could possibly have changed to alter that?”
“You changed me,” Ralph admitted. “It was easy to ignore what I wanted whilst I hadn’t met anyone who I would consider spending even a month with, let alone the rest of my life.”
“But even with me, you made it quite clear you weren’t looking for marriage,” Edith pointed out.
“I was trying to push you away. I suppose without any conscious thought behind it. I presumed if I could reject you, my feelings would stop,” Ralph answered. “It didn’t work.”
“I have to ask,” Edith started. “Has this anything to do with your mother’s wishes?”
“What? No. Although she does like you.”
“If I thought for one moment that she’d persuaded you to offer for me because she wants to see you married, you can take yourself off—”
Ralph took two strides and stopping Edith from speaking in the best way that he could, he wrapped her in his arms and kissed her.
This wasn’t the kiss they’d previously shared; this was a kiss of passion, of showing what words couldn’t say. A kiss that expressed feelings he’d so long tried to ignore.
Edith had not hesitated in wrapping her hands around Ralph’s neck and pulling him towards her. She’d wanted to be in his arms since he’d walked through the door, but had waited until she was sure of him. As he kissed her with such feeling, cupping her face in his hands then moving them to pull her body against his, she
could no longer question his intent.
Eventually, Ralph rested his head against Edith’s forehead. “I’ve wanted to kiss you like that since the moment I met you.”
“Now, I’ll have no flummery from you. You didn’t wish that at all,” Edith scolded gently, while twisting her fingers into his hair.
“I damn well did,” Ralph said, nipping her lip gently. “How I managed to keep my hands off you until we shared that brief kiss, I’ll never know. I have dreamed about seeing your eyes warm as they did then.”
“And I’d like you to take your hands off my sister and tell me why it would seem that you’ve kissed her not once, but twice,” came the rumbling voice of Miles.
Both Ralph and Edith jumped apart, but Ralph held his arm around Edith’s waist in a protective gesture. “I asked to see you first, but was told you were out,” he responded to Miles.
Closing the door behind him, Miles came further into the room. “So you decided to compromise my sister, even though you’ve no intention of marrying her.”
“I’ve every intention of marrying her, if she’ll have me,” Ralph glanced at Edith, a shy smile lifting his lips.
“Edith, I would strongly advise against it,” Miles said glaring at Ralph. “You were right what you said when we visited him – he’s no different to Sage. He took advantage of the information I’d given him to get close to you, but then, even worse than that rake, he rejected you. Are you really going to forgive him for that?”
Edith flushed. “I-I’m confused.” She felt Ralph moving away from her and looked at him in alarm.
“I’m not going to force you into anything you don’t want to do,” he said gently. “My feelings won’t change. I promise you that, but I want you to come to me not because you’ve been persuaded by me or your situation, but because you want me above all others.”
“You know I loved you, don’t you?” Edith asked, cheeks aflame.
“Yes. When you thought I’d betrayed you, you mentioned the fact,” Ralph said. “I hope one day that you’ll come to love me again, for it seems I managed to turn your feelings against me, like the buffoon I am.”
Lady Edith's Lonely Heart: A Regency Romance (Lonely Hearts Series Book 1) Page 19