by Emily Smith
Strangely, Cassidy recognized the tender knock on the exam room door as Dr. Hedges’. Or maybe the familiarity just came from the nightmares that ruined her sleep near weekly.
“Come in.” Cassidy’s throat swelled. She wasn’t sure if it was the overzealous air conditioning or just the panic rising in her, but she tremored ever so slightly.
“Well, I’ll be damned. Cassidy Sullivan. Or should I say, Doctor? It’s been too long.” Dr. Hedges was exactly as Cassidy had remembered him—tall, with striking white hair curled over his lush white brow. He had aged just a touch, but the deep blue of his eyes still conveyed the same sense of compassion and reassurance Cassidy always liked about him.
“I mean, I wouldn’t say too long, personally, but…And hey, how did you know?”
“I keep tabs on all my patients. At least the special ones. That, and your parents sent me your medical-school-graduation announcement.” He smiled at Cassidy, and she felt more at ease than she had in nearly forty-two hours. Dr. Hedges had all those pictures on his wall for a reason. He really was that good. And if anyone could save her, three times, it would be him.
Chapter Eighteen
“So. Emergency medicine, huh? I always knew you were a little bit crazy, kid.” Dr. Hedges took a seat on the stool across from Cassidy. She was surprised to find she enjoyed the pleasantries, finding them a welcome distraction from what felt like impending doom.
“We can’t all save the world like you.” She smiled.
“I only do my part. Now tell me, Cassidy. As great as it is to see you again, I have a feeling you didn’t come in just to talk about the Red Sox’s horrendous pitching staff. What’s bugging you?”
“It’s nothing really. I just…I found a lump the other day, or actually, my girlfriend did, and I thought I should have it checked.”
Dr. Hedges’ thick, white brow deepened, and he scratched his scraggly beard. “Hmm. A lump. I see. Whereabouts?”
“Left axilla. I honestly had no idea it was there. It’s completely painless. About the size of a dime.”
“I see. Any fevers? Night sweats? Weight loss?” Dr. Hedges stood and moved toward the wall, spritzing his hands with alcohol.
“No. Nothing. Just a little tired. But I mean, I’m a resident.”
“Just go ahead and lie back on the table here, and let’s have a look, shall we?” He lifted half the paper gown, exposing Cassidy’s left breast, and began to feel around her underarm, his hands stereotypically cold and large.
“I’m sure it’s nothing.”
Dr. Hedges didn’t answer, instead just pursed his lips into a thin, concerned line and nodded gravely. For several more agonizing seconds he continued to palpate the tissue around the area, always returning to the problematic lymph node. Cassidy’s stomach lurched. She was hoping he would say it felt benign, normal even. But his face was telling Cassidy something else entirely.
“Mhmm. Yes.” Finally, he removed his hand, stood up straight, and returned to the hand-sanitizer dispenser on the wall. “I’m sure it’s nothing as well. But, given your history…”
Cancer. He means your cancer…
“…we should get a biopsy just to be sure.”
“Right. That sounds like a good idea.” Cassidy knew this was the likely next step, but she still didn’t like hearing it.
“I’ll put you on the schedule for next week. How does Wednesday work?”
Cassidy sat in a dreamy haze, the dissociation unlike anything she’d ever experienced. But she knew better now. This was no lucid dream. She was not going to wake up in Pierce’s arms in a few minutes, her life devoid of sickness. This was happening.
“Dr. Hedges?” Cassidy was shocked by the feebleness of her own voice.
He looked up from the computer where he was taking notes. The knot of his tie was loose, his shirt sleeves rolled haphazardly. He wore no white coat. Now that she was a grown-up, Cassidy thought he looked more small-town pediatrician who made house calls than world-class oncologist. She wanted to jump up and hug him, cry onto his white oxford until she felt comforted. Dr. Hedges was the only person in the world who knew she was there. That made him, sadly, the only person Cassidy had.
“Yes?”
“It’s going to be okay. Isn’t it?”
Dr. Hedges offered her an appeasing smile, and Cassidy was bowled over by yet another memory—one of this same doctor, offering that same smile, as he told Cassidy and her parents the chemo had not worked.
“Let’s just wait and see what the biopsy shows.”
* * *
The small sense of relief Cassidy had experienced in Dr. Hedges’s office had vanished by the time she left the parking lot. Pierce had sent several texts, but Cassidy left them unanswered. She’d have to respond eventually, but until she figured out what to tell her, it was easier to keep her distance.
Cassidy took the turn onto Memorial Drive and squeezed the accelerator just a little too hard, her elderly car lurching forward with more pep than Cassidy had anticipated. Her mind was on Pierce still, her body feeling physically torn between wanting her forever by her side to fight this demon and wanting to keep her safe from it. She pressed her blinker to exit the off-ramp toward Fenway and hit redial on the last number she’d called.
“Hey! Are you all right?” Pierce’s voice cloaked her in a soothing comfort, pulling her in like a warm bath.
“I’m fine. I miss you though.” Cassidy smiled.
“I miss you too. I was worried for a minute. Thought maybe you moved to New Delhi and didn’t tell me or something.”
Worse, Cassidy told herself. “Nothing like that. I just got caught up with some things and didn’t have my phone. I’m okay. I promise.” She fucking hated lying to Pierce.
“Good. Listen. I have to work late tonight. Greg needed me to swap shifts with him. But I can be over sometime after midnight?”
“I uh…actually have plans tonight. I’m hanging out with Rowan. But you should come over after.”
“Rowan? Really?”
Cassidy hadn’t known she was spending the evening with Rowan until that moment. And, of course, Rowan didn’t know it yet either. But it felt like the best idea she’d had all day.
“Yeah. We thought we could use a girls’ night.”
“Does that mean, like, painting each other’s nails and doing face masks and whatever?”
Cassidy laughed as she pushed the shifter into park on one of the nearby side streets. The car halted with a sharp jolt.
“More like pillow fights in our underwear.”
“In that case, can I come?”
“Not a chance. But you should come over after you’re done with work. I still really want to see you…”
It was going to be hard to keep her distance from Pierce—far harder than Cassidy had anticipated.
“Of course. And for the record, I love that you and Ro are spending time together. It’s like we’re all one little gay family.”
She could hear the delight in Pierce’s voice. The anxiety inside her deepened into a dark sadness. She didn’t want to lose that little family. But she didn’t want to steal any of Pierce’s joy either. Maybe, if she just slowly faded away, the loss wouldn’t be so unbearable.
The second phone call Cassidy made was to Rowan.
“Rowan, it’s Cassidy. Hey, so what are you doing tonight?” No point in being coy when Pierce already thought they had plans.
“I mean, nothing much? Galen and I were going to watch some garbage on Netflix probably. Why?”
“Can we do something? You know, as in, just the two of us?”
Cassidy held her breath as she waited for a response. She hoped the conversation she and Rowan had shared at the end of the dock several weeks back was enough of a gateway to make the invitation less awkward. The truth of it was, she needed a friend, someone she could trust who wasn’t quite as close to her as Pierce. And Rowan felt like just that person.
“Hell yes, we can!” Rowan’s enthusiasm lifted Cassidy’s
melancholy just enough. “Galen’s home, but I can kick her out. She can go play Fortnite in the office or something. I’ll get her a pizza from Georgio’s and a bottle of whiskey, and she’ll leave us alone for the night.”
“Are you sure?” Cassidy didn’t love the idea of Rowan rearranging her plans for her, but Rowan’s excitement swayed her.
“Absolutely. Please, come over. Bring the rosé. I’ll take care of the rest.”
* * *
Two bottles of rosé in hand, Cassidy arrived at Galen and Rowan’s apartment shortly after six p.m.
“If we’re planning on drinking all that, it’s a good thing I made plenty of snacks.” Rowan opened the door before Cassidy even had a chance to knock.
“Actually, I made the snacks.” Galen appeared from down the hall, a video-game controller gripped between her fingers.
“She did,” Rowan said.
“How did you know I was here? I didn’t even ring the bell.”
“Oh. That’s Galen too. She’s convinced someone’s going to come try to kidnap me while she’s at work one night. Installed this crazy-ass security camera so she can watch from her phone while she’s gone.” Rowan swatted Galen gently in her abdomen, smiling.
“I’m not sure if I find that really sweet, or extra creepy,” Cassidy said, placing the bottles of wine on the counter and kicking off her boots.
“I haven’t decided yet either,” Rowan said. “Okay, G. I’m sending you back to your office. We have girl things to do.”
“But…I’m a girl!” Galen crossed her arms defiantly.
“Sorry. Just the two of us tonight, love. Besides, how often do I tell you to go play video games? There’s a fresh bottle of Glenlivet on the bar cart. Go have fun.”
Galen took Rowan by the shoulders and kissed her on the forehead. “I love you.”
“I love you more.”
Watching them left Cassidy with an excruciating longing for Pierce. For a moment, she wanted to leave. She wanted to run to Pierce and tell her everything. She wanted to share this fear with her, let it be a catalyst to bring them closer together. But the fortress Cassidy had deftly built around herself for years stood stronger than her need to be near Pierce, and her resolve once again returned.
“Sorry about that. She’ll be occupied for the rest of the night.” Rowan took two wineglasses out of the cabinet and walked into the living room.
“You didn’t need to kick her out.” Cassidy laughed.
“I know. But I got the impression you were looking for some one-on-one time. As in, maybe you have something to get off your chest?”
Cassidy wasn’t surprised to find her plea for a play date had set off red flags. It wasn’t as if she and Rowan ever spent any time together without Pierce and Galen. At least not until tonight.
“That obvious, huh?”
“It’s cool. I won’t make you spill right away. We’ll get some of this wine going first.” Rowan thrust a glass at Cassidy, who gladly accepted.
* * *
It was difficult to talk through the ever-hardening face mask covering Cassidy’s mouth.
“I can’t believe we’re actually doing this,” she said, the mask cracking around the edges of her lips as she did.
Rowan laughed. “Stop. Don’t make me laugh.”
“What’s wrong? Don’t I look sexy?” Cassidy framed her face with her hands and arched her neck.
“You look ridiculous.”
“Oh? And what about you?”
“I look fabulous.” Rowan picked her phone up off the floor and held it out in front of them. Cassidy pressed her face against Rowan’s and smiled as big as she could through the crinkling, hard clay, and Rowan snapped a chain of photos. Upon reviewing them, they erupted in an explosion of laughter, tears streaking the chalky gray on their cheeks.
“Okay, you’re right. I look ridiculous.” The laughter escalated until Cassidy’s belly ached, and ever briefly, she forgot why she was really here.
Cassidy’s face must have fallen, her laugh vanishing into the night.
“Time to tell me what’s going on, Cass.” Rowan disappeared into the kitchen and returned with the second bottle of wine, refilling both of their glasses nearly to the rim.
“Remember all that stuff I told you a few weeks ago? About my…past?” Cassidy took several large sips, letting the sweet bite of the drink fade into a steady, soothing burn.
“Of course I do.”
“I found a lymph node.” Cassidy swallowed again, the burn now nothing but a dull heat.
“What? When?”
“The other night.”
“Cass…” Rowan’s posture straightened, and she nodded resolutely. “I’m sure it’s nothing. People get nodes all the time. Just a virus is all.”
“Right. That’s what I said.” Cassidy ran a hand through her hair and pressed her eyes shut. Time for honesty, she told herself. “That’s what I’ve been trying to convince myself of too.”
“Did you get it checked yet?”
“I went to my oncologist earlier today.”
“And? What did he say?”
“Not much. I have a biopsy scheduled for next week. But you know that face we make? The one we make when we’re pretty sure we’re going to have to give a patient bad news?”
Rowan nodded. “You mean the one I give patients when I’m pretty sure their tumor is going to be malignant but can’t tell them yet?”
Cassidy looked at the floor, her stomach pitching.
“Oh…God, I’m sorry. That was a stupid thing to say.” Rowan touched Cassidy’s shoulder, her expression remorseful.
“It’s okay. Really. That was exactly the look he gave me.”
Rowan’s hand remained on Cassidy, and she placed her other one on Cassidy’s thigh. They remained silent for the moment, the somberness of the words permeating the evening’s previous delight.
“I don’t mean to be such a downer. I just needed someone to talk to. Someone to take my mind off this.”
“Please! You aren’t a downer. And you know I’m here for you. No matter what happens. We all are. Galen, me…Pierce.”
Cassidy’s heart tugged hard again. “Thank you. You have no idea what that means to me.”
Rowan hugged her as Cassidy battled a few tears that were managing to break through her faultless barrier.
“What did Pierce say when you told her?”
Cassidy remained silent. She had no answer. At least not a good one.
“Jesus. You didn’t tell her?”
“I…I was going to…”
Rowan shook her head, her lips pursed together into a hard line. “Oh, Cass. You have to. You can’t keep this from her.”
“I can’t put her through this.”
“She loves you!”
“Exactly,” Cassidy whispered.
“I don’t understand. Why would you ever want to go through something like this alone?”
Cassidy didn’t want to go through it alone. She wanted nothing more than to have her one great love by her side to fight the monster that hunted her. “I’m not alone. I have you. And Galen. And I’ll have my mom, once I tell her.”
“Pierce can handle this. She needs to know.”
“No. She needs to move on. She needs to find someone who isn’t sick. Someone who will be around for a long time.” Cassidy hadn’t been brave enough to even think the words until now, and hearing them out loud sent the rogue tears waiting at the corners of her eyes spilling out with a vengeance.
“Don’t you love Pierce too?”
Cassidy smiled but the tears continued. “More than I’ve ever loved anything, which is why I have to let her go. Before I destroy her.”
“Losing you will destroy her.”
“Heartbreak from being dumped is nothing compared to watching the person you love be slowly eaten away by cancer.”
Rowan shook her head again, her eyes narrow and her irises dark. “So that’s your grand plan? Just break up with her?”
Cassidy hadn’t really decided until just now. The idea devastated her, but it was better than any alternative.
“It’s the only way.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. You don’t even know this is anything yet!” Rowan was doing a fine job playing the devil’s advocate.
“Even if it isn’t this time, it will be eventually.”
“God, you’re frustrating! You can’t possibly know that.” Rowan clapped her hand on the wooden coffee table, resulting in a thunderous echo that reverberated throughout the oversized room.
“You’re right. I don’t know for sure. But I saw what my being sick did to my parents. They fell apart watching me nearly die. And they were my parents. My blood. They had to stick by me, and each other, and they couldn’t even manage that.”
Rowan inhaled deeply, the fists she’d held clenched on her knees slowly releasing, and Cassidy thought maybe she should try yoga too.
“You know, Galen and I almost didn’t happen.”
Cassidy was relieved to move the conversation away from herself. “How come?”
“I was with this guy, Brian. For a really long time. He was pretty much all I ever knew. He was kind. He was safe, and comfortable. He wasn’t going to hurt me. And then, I met Galen, all passion and fire and enigma. She made me feel things I’d never even dreamed of. She breathed life into me. But she was a liability. An enormous one. So I chose safe. I chose Brian. I knew he wasn’t going anywhere. And if he did? I’d survive. Not Galen, though. That was a loss I’d never get over.”
“But obviously you changed your mind.”
“My heart changed it for me. My mind told me to protect myself at all costs. And to protect Brian. But my heart…that was all Galen’s, from day one. It was a risk. It’s still a risk. Love means vulnerability. It’s a gamble I take every day. One you’re taking with Pierce. And one Pierce is taking with you. If you tell her the cost, she’ll take it without question.”
The crying was nearly uncontrollable at this point. But it felt good. It felt like release.
“I know she would, which is why I can’t tell her. I can’t let her go through this, because she’ll want to. And she has no idea what that means.”