I wasn’t ready to sleep at the shop, so I stayed with Aunt Portia at her apartment in Dallas even though it took me an hour to drive through rush hour to get to BA.
I continued with life. What else could I do?
Three days after Finn had shown up, a pale Aunt Portia greeted me as I walked in the shop after school.
“I need to talk to you,” she said to me, steering me past the late lunch customers and into the kitchen.
“Come here and sit,” she said, attempting a small smile, but it wasn’t her usual perky one. She sat down and I sat stiffly across from her. She took both my hands in hers, and it was then that I knew, oh yes, I truly knew something had happened. A cold sweat broke out over me, and my mouth dried.
“Your brother . . .,” she began, but stopped.
“Tell me.”
She sighed. “There’s no easy way to say this, but there was a pile-up on Interstate 10 near Houston. Your brother . . . Finn’s car . . . crashed into an eighteen wheeler. It caught fire…”
“He’s dead?”
She nodded and mumbled something about policemen and dental records and my parents, but it didn’t make sense. Her voice kept swelling and expanding, and I couldn’t understand anything she said. Needing to be grounded, I lay my head down on the cold table, letting the hard surface support me. I heard her saying my name over and over until, blessedly, I heard nothing at all.
IN THE DAYS that followed Finn’s death, I moved in a numb daze, and it reminded me of the sad girl I used to be. I had obligations, so I called my parents. Dad made plans to meet me for breakfast before the funeral. Mother refused to speak to me. I was good with that. I did happen to catch her Good Morning, Dallas show the next day. She appeared on camera in a soft-blue suit, teary eyed, yet as beautiful as ever as she announced the death of her son. That’s her, always milking it, looking for an angle to help her climb to the top of the network’s ladder.
Dad came to Aunt Portia’s before the funeral, and we went back to the kitchen to eat. We sat on the counter, eating hot cinnamon buns and drinking coffee, our legs dangling as we talked. When we were done, he surprised me by opening his briefcase and giving me the papers to sign that would put my prize money in my name.
“I’m proud of you for having the balls to leave,” he told me, his eyes watery. “I know there’s a rift between us, but I do love you.”
I studied his sad face. “Did you ever say anything to Mother about what I told you?”
He nodded. “She denies it all.”
“And you still believe me?”
He paled. “God, of course, Nora.”
I nodded. “Did you confront Finn?”
His lips tightened. “I told the motherfucker if he came near you again, I’d stab him myself.” He shrugged. “He’s dead now. We need to move on.”
I bit my lip, scared to hope. Maybe there was a chance for me and him after all.
HIS FUNERAL SHOCKED me, I guess because death always takes us by surprise, especially when it’s a young person. We think we’re invincible, but we’re not. One way or another, we’re all placed six feet under. It made me even more determined to live the rest of my life as a happy person.
Was I glad that Finn was gone? Yes. We’re taught that forgiveness is good for your soul, so some will say I’m going to hell for my unwillingness, but neither Finn nor Mother would ever get absolution from me.
I’m no Mother Teresa.
Drew, Sebastian, Mila, and Leo all came to the funeral, but Leo was the person I gazed at. As I drank him in, I thought about how easily life can be snuffed out, never to be lived again. I thought about how Leo had lost his parents in the blink of an eye. And it sounded so cliché, but life is precious, and we only get one shot at it. So when the minister started talking about living life to its fullest, I realized I hadn’t. I’d been living day to day, always stuck looking at the past, just trying to survive.
I didn’t want to coast by anymore.
I wanted some fucking happiness.
As I sat in that cathedral, it dawned on me, an extraordinary moment when I realized that being happy could be a choice, not some elusive state of euphoria that few ever achieve. I didn’t want to spend a lifetime waiting for happiness to find me. It was never going to come knocking on my door, inviting me to come out and play.
It was up to me to decide if I wanted to live a bleak existence, constantly thinking about what had happened to me, or I could make a conscious decision to be happy now, to be grateful for what I had. To live. To love.
I was responsible for my own happiness.
If there was something out there that made me happy, it was up to me to go get it.
I knew exactly what I wanted.
“I’m breaking out of this cage.
It begins today.”
–Nora Blakely
THREE DAYS LATER, Halloween and the big grand opening party at Club Vita finally arrived.
It was cool at night now, so Leo rented several standing gas heaters for the patio. The party rental place had set up a huge white tent next to the back parking lot and adjacent to the pool. Inside the tent, Tiffani set up the main bar, the buffet tables, and seating. She’d also set up two bar areas that were close to the pool. With over three hundred people coming, it was going to be huge.
Earlier that morning, the band had sat down and talked about the performance. We hadn’t even chosen a name yet so that became imperative. After a lot of laughs, we went with Teddy’s suggestion, the Vital Rejects. Leo suggested he only play the second set since he would be busy making sure the party got off to a great start. Sebastian could play guitar although he wasn’t as skilled as Leo, so we decided to focus on predominately piano centered songs.
Leo seemed nervous, and I wanted to assure him it would be awesome, but Tiffani was flitting in and out of the party area. As he conferred with Tiffani about last minutes details, we set up our instruments and spotlights.
After a quick run through with the band, I was back in my attic room with Mila getting dressed. She grunted and squirmed as she lay on the bed, tugging on her tight leather pants. I chuckled, watching her red face. I still couldn’t believe she’d chosen such a racy costume. “Everything okay?”
She snorted and yanked harder, finally getting them zipped. “Gah, dressing as Lady Gaga sucks!”
I tsked at her pants. “And there’re gonna make your butt sweat.”
She heaved herself up, her black-clad legs looking stiff and uncomfortable. “That’s a good point, but they’re on, so I’m never taking them off. There.”
I picked my Wonder Woman costume up, not missing the irony of dressing as an Amazon. As I dressed, Mila looked at my tat with big eyes. “Go ahead,” I teased her, “I know you wanna touch it.”
“You got your own set of wings!” she squealed, happier than I thought she would be. She ran her fingers across them.
“And I didn’t die of ink poisoning.”
She arched her brow. “Could have.”
I pulled on the red thigh-high boots and picked up my Lasso of Truth. Mila helped me tease my hot-rolled hair into a 60s style bouffant, and I adjusted her platinum wig and black corset. I put my gold cuffs and crown on. She slid on her bedazzled sunglasses.
“We look like hookers,” I mused at our reflection. “And not the expensive kind.”
“Yep,” she said.
I laughed and gave her a little hug, feeling excited about what I’d planned.
“Now don’t mess up my hair,” she said. She looked at her ass in the mirror and shook it. I snickered. My bunny was turning bad.
VITAL REJECTS OPENED the party with some cover songs from Cold Play and Kings of Leon. Sebastian, who’d dressed as the floppy haired Justin Beiber belted out lyrics and played the easier guitar parts. He told me I was eye candy and had worked too hard to not be on stage, so he forced me up with the band, where I pretended to sing backup into the microphone. It wasn’t plugged in.
This was Teddy’s first t
ime to play in front of a large crowd, and he’d had started off anxiously, pacing around the piano, flapping his arms more than usual. His sister assured us he would be fine once he began playing, and sure enough, once his fingers hit the keys, he calmed. He rocked the crowd with his piano skills, wearing a white Elvis costume. Vixen played the drums dressed in a cheetah costume.
We were missing Leo.
I’d glimpsed him briefly as soon as I’d arrived, dressed as a tall, strapping gladiator. I’d smiled at him, and he’d just stood there staring at me until Tiffani had walked up and grabbed his arm. He’d pulled away from her, and their conversation seemed intense. Later as we’d performed, I’d seen him standing alone with a pensive look on his face, and I wondered what he was thinking about.
We took our first break and milled around the party eventually ending up by the buffet table. Mila came over to join us.
“Tell me about Drew,” Sebastian said as he checked out the appetizers.
“We talked for a long time, and I told him that Leo was it for me.”
“And?” he asked, popping a shrimp in his mouth.
“He said he understood, but I know it hurt him. It hurt me, too,” I admitted, remembering our long talk the night before. He’d walked away from me, but not before telling me that I was making a mistake. “But Leo is it for me.”
“Do you think he’ll take you back if things don’t work out with Leo?” Mila asked.
I laughed darkly. “Um, no.”
“We’ll all be at UT together,” Sebastian pointed out.
“Hey, I need your help tonight,” I asked him, changing the subject. “Tonight, when you’re singing, will you ask Leo to sing the new song he’s been working on?”
“You sure?” he said, raising his brows. He’d heard Leo practicing the song. We spent an entire evening talking about it.
I nodded.
Mila squeaked, “Incoming, incoming, super-slutty nurse arriving in three, two, one.”
Tiffani stopped in front of us. She gave us a huge smile. “Enjoying the party, guys?” she asked, her eyes on me.
“We were,” I said cattily. I briefly wondered if she’d ever told Leo about me. I wondered what her reaction was when she realized he already knew.
She fluttered her eyelashes at Sebastian. “So what’s Leo making us for breakfast in the morning?”
He shrugged uncomfortably. “No idea. I didn’t realize you’d be around to eat with us.”
“Leo doesn’t tell you everything, silly! Maybe we’ll just sleep in and skip breakfast,” she giggled, her big chest quivering. Then she gave me a smirk and flounced off.
“Maybe she really is psychic,” I said.
Sebastian snorted. “No way.”
“She knows I love Leo.”
He elbowed me. “Dude, we all know. Just ignore her. She’s not once spent the night at the loft. Come on, let’s go get Leo. We’ve got some songs to do.”
A few minutes later, the band, plus Leo, took the stage, and I sat at a table with Mila. They opened with “Great Balls of Fire,” and Teddy attacked the piano like Elvis on crack. He was fantastic. I saw him glance up at one point, and his eyes met mine for the tiniest little second, and I knew he’d wanted me to see him. “Play it, Teddy!” I yelled out, smiling and waving at him like a rabid King fan. After that they played Warren Zeron’s “Werewolves of London,” and Mila and I ran out to dance. We twirled around, howling and singing the chorus with everyone else.
“Welcome to Club Vita’s grand opening and Halloween party!” Sebastian yelled out to the crowd after the song was over. “Now, I’d like to slow things down a bit by letting my older brother here sing a song for you.”
He looked over his shoulder at Leo’s surprised face and grinned. “Ladies, Leo has a voice like a dream. Now, he doesn’t know this, but I heard him working on this fantastic new song recently, and I think he should play it for you, don’t you? I know there’s one girl out there in particular that requested it.”
Someone yelled, “Hell, yeah, sing it, Leo!” It sounded a lot like Mila.
Sebastian chuckled. “Now, he can be a little shy sometimes, so we may have to give him some encouragement to get him to sing.” Several whistles and catcalls drifted up from the crowd.
Leo strode over to Sebastian, his face tight. I didn’t know if he was going to tell him to shut the hell up or sing. They whispered heatedly for a moment until Sebastian stepped aside to let Leo have the center mike.
“I’ll be paying you back later, bro,” he said jokingly with a smile for the crowd, but I could tell he was flustered as he straightened his guitar and searched the audience. I pushed my way to the front of the crowd until I was right in front of him.
He gazed at me and cleared his throat. “The truth is I never intended for this song to be sung in public, because I wrote it for this girl . . . and, she . . . well, she’s moved on. She was the one for me, but I screwed it up because I waited too long, and she found someone else. It hurts like hell to think about her, about never having her as mine.”
He ran a fast hand through his hair. “She makes me all crazy inside. She makes me hear songs in my head. She makes me feel like the first time I ever picked up a guitar. She makes me feel like I can have something good in my life like my parents did.”
He smiled, like he was remembering something sweet. “I don’t know the first time I fell for her. Maybe it was the time she stood on a stage a lot like this one. Maybe it was the night she held my hand and listened to me talk. Maybe it was the moment she walked toward me at the movies, in these red heels, looking like the hottest thing I’d ever fucking seen. Maybe it was the time she told me we could be soulmates. Whenever it was, my heart is hers. Always has been. So yeah, this song is for Buttercup. It’s called ‘Fly Away.’”
His fingers strummed the notes as he sang in a low and sexy voice,
Girl, you show up at my place uninvited,
You’re crazy good, beautiful.
Baby, I tried, but I can’t fight it.
Girl, you got some bad secrets to keep,
You’re a chaos I want; it’s so deep.
I want to see you fly, fly, fly.
Could you love me, love me, love me,
Do it, please, fall for me.
Baby, give me one more moment,
Just one more moment with you.
Girl, you love words for fun,
You’re crazy good, beautiful.
Your green eyes brought out the sun.
I want to see you fly, fly, fly.
First time I saw you I knew,
You took my heart; you stole it, true,
Now, it’s just déjà vue.
Give me one more moment,
To love you, love you.
I want to see you fly, fly, fly.
Buttercup, I’ll always love you.
After the last note ebbed away, I wiped my tears with my hands while the crowd went nuts, applauding a shaken Leo. He whipped his guitar off, stepped off the stage and strode over to me. I couldn’t move. His words had transported me, had wiped everything else out of my head. All I could think about was him, always him. Leo.
He touched one of my tears and spoke, his voice husky with emotion. “Nora, I fought you and me together, and it decimates me knowing I messed up, that I didn’t even give us a chance. It was all right there in front of me, plain as day, but I kept pushing and pushing until you gave up. The hardest thing I’ve ever done is pretend I didn’t care for you.”
He closed his eyes briefly as if in pain. “I wanted to forget you so bad that I fucked someone else. I used her to hurt you, and I’m sorry. The night you saw us was the last time I ever touched her. She catered the party tonight, nothing else. She was never what I wanted. Only you.”
I bit my lip and nodded.
He swallowed. “I shut you down and tried to forget about you. I’ve never loved a girl before, Nora. I was scared and made up excuses for why we couldn’t be together. But from the moment I
saw you, I knew you were special, but I didn’t know what to think about all these feelings I had. But now I know the truth. I know age is nothing and that being scared of hurting you or losing you is taking the coward’s way out. You are everything.” He sighed. “I had to lose you before I figured it out.”
He picked up my hands and held them tight. “It’s going to fucking kill me slowly, but if Drew is what you want . . .”
“There is no Drew. I can’t live without you, Leo. I die a little every day because we’re not together,” I whispered, my eyes roaming over his face, letting him see how much I loved him.
I kissed his hands. “You’re my other half, and I thought I could give up on us and move on, but life is too short and too precious to throw away what we have.”
His eyes burned hot, thrilling me. I knew that look. “Come on, let’s get out of here,” he said, guiding me inside the gym.
“What about the party?” I asked, knowing the grand opening was important to him.
He didn’t stop walking. “The band will play, and the party will go on without us.”
He stopped at the base of the stairs, his face suddenly filled with worry. “I don’t . . . I don’t want to hold you back from anything. I want you to go to college wherever you want, no matter if it’s in another state, and I’ll be right here waiting for you. Always.”
“What about Finn?” I whispered, wrapping my arms around his waist and laying my head on his chest, so he couldn’t see my face.
He tilted my chin up. “He’s gone, and I’ll always be here to keep you safe. Someday if you want, you can tell me everything, and I’ll listen, but nothing will ever change how much I care about you. If anything, the way you carry your pain, the way you’ve turned into this beautiful girl despite everything that happened to you has made me love you more.”
Very Bad Things Page 24