I could have done it. I could have taken her virginity. I groaned, my dick hardening again at the thought.
But whatever I was, I knew what I was not; I was not the type of guy who took something so precious—something that I usually refused to touch with my ten-foot pole—from someone who came to me like she did, like the world had just broken her and she still hadn’t fully realized it yet.
I wanted to know. I wanted to be more than just the fuck to get it off her mind, but ‘no questions’ was her rule.
I guess I was good enough for what I was good at but nothing more. It was something I should have been happy about; instead I found myself enraged.
And then to see her laughing and talking with that asshat from Jessa’s work on Thursday, I thought I might fucking lose it. Who was he to her? If he was fucking Prince Charming then why did she come begging to me to take and break every piece of her body?
That’s why I’d been an unconscionable asshole. Rude and taunting. Topped off with a handful of women sticking to me like goddamn melted marshmallows. The whiskey in my flask made it easier to deal with them. I even tried to get into it—the open fondling—for all of about a minute before it no longer interested me.
Again, I found myself acting for the sole purpose of seeing Tammy’s response. I wanted Miss Priss to feel just as used as I had. This was what happened when you fucked with chaos.
I flipped the water off and grabbed my towel.
Almost eight o’clock.
I’d been up since six to get my workout in and shower so I could go over to the main house and eat breakfast with Lila and enjoy her smiles for a little before I had to go back to reality. Lila’s room was in the main house. I had a room there, too, but I couldn’t stay in that place. Not after my dad… not after what Stone had done to me.
It was better that way since I usually had guests here. Not lately though. Even Thursday night, after the Bash, I ended up depositing Monroe and the other drunk blonde—Brittney, maybe?—off with some of their random acquaintances on the way to my truck. My dick begged me not to; it begged to at least let one of them in the car for some road head. Not because it wanted either of them, but because it had been spending too much quality time with my right fist since those fingers had been inside Tammy’s perfect pussy—a picture I couldn’t get out of my mind.
Of course, it was a beautiful day outside. Fuck, I would’ve loved to take Lila somewhere this weekend to do something fun. She was cooped up in the house too much lately since the daycare was off-limits. Instead, I had to dig myself out of the hole of finding someone to homeschool her during the week.
You could always ask Tammy, I heard Pride’s voice echo in my mind.
Shut up, Pride.
“Nicholas!” my mother exclaimed as I tried to make my way silently through the foyer. I’d seen her car in the driveway when I’d walked over; I was hoping to avoid this.
Murphy’s Law was my life.
The first thing I looked for as she approached me was Stone.
“He’s away for a few weeks,” she said, knowing I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else until I knew whether or not he was here. “I just wish you would stop being so stubborn and argumentative.” She huffed, waving me off like I was a child and he wasn’t the violent asshole. “If you could be civil, you wouldn’t upset him so much. Anyway, I’m glad you’re here.”
My jaw ticked.
My mother was one of those women who liked to live in the world of denial. Granted, she never stuck around for long once Stone’s fists started flying at me. But, she’d seen the results of our disagreements. She preferred to believe that I hadn’t changed my ways since she’d bailed me out of jail seven years ago—that I was still disobedient, careless, and belligerent even if I was no longer snorting more powder than they blew onto the mountain every night. She preferred to believe that I deserved the punishment that Stone inflicted.
“What do you want, Jane?” For obvious reasons, I no longer called her ‘mom.’
“I was wondering if you had a minute to come and talk to me,” she said calmly.
I was going to break a tooth at the rate she was making my teeth clench.
“Fine,” I bit out, holding my arm out toward the sitting room that was just behind her, directly in front of the front door. It was either that or she’d follow me upstairs to Lila and honestly, I just wanted to keep all of these toxic people as far away from my daughter as was possible right now. Soon, though, they wouldn’t get within ten feet of her. As soon as my probation was up.
I’d barely taken two steps into the sitting room that looked like Mr. Gucci himself had vomited up everything floral and gold and gaudy into it when there was a knock on the door.
“Oh, perfect. I’ll be right back, Nick.” My whole body tensed, like I was standing in the middle of a bear trap that was about to clamp shut around me if I moved.
Carefully, I turned.
If selfishness and vanity had a lovechild, her name would have been Eliza Blackman—the woman who abused and abandoned her own daughter, the woman that my own fucking mother just let into our home like she was a long-lost family member.
Platinum blonde hair and a smile that was as fake as her tits. She walked into the foyer dressed like a fucking Kardashian and a face so plastered with toxin and filler that I was surprised she could move enough to speak.
“Nick.” Her voice dripped sweetly with venom. She was the fucking snake that would lure Adam to the apple.
“Jane,” I grated. “What is Ms. Blackman doing here?”
“Well, she stopped by the other day because she wanted to see Lila and I just don’t think it’s right that you keep her daughter from her,” said the woman who, in the same breath, thought it was fine that her new husband played punching bag with her son.
“Well, Ms. Blackman had no interest in seeing her daughter for the past five years, I can’t imagine what would have made her have a change of heart,” I said acerbically.
“Oh, Nicky,” Eliza pouted with lips so full of filler that I was surprised the damn things didn’t split open. “Don’t be like that.”
“Like what? A concerned father? Sorry, Elle. This was your choice. Why don’t you crawl back to whatever sugar daddy paid to freeze your face and we’ll forget this little incident ever happened,” I replied coldly, ignoring my mother’s disapproving stare.
I saw the hatred that flared in her eyes. She wanted something—and it wasn’t Lila. Lila was just a means to an end.
“Nick—” my mom interjected pleadingly.
“Jane,” I swore. “This is none of your business.”
I didn’t want to even get near her, but I had a point to make. Stalking over, I stood towering over her figure that had the decency to shrink back with my presence.
“Get the fuck out of this house, Eliza, and stay the fuck away from my daughter.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You know, Nick. I’m just concerned about her welfare given that her dad is a whoring pothead. And did I hear that you aren’t even sending her to preschool? Everything about this just reeks of negligence, right down to the unlicensed, uncertified woman that you have babysitting her while you fuck around.”
My fists flexed at my side. I’d never imagined myself as being the type of man to hit a woman, but she made me come fucking close. I guess my body didn’t think it counted when the woman was a heartless bitch who was going to harm my baby girl.
“I’m her mother and I deserve to be a part of her life and everything that comes with it.” She shrugged and looked down at her nails as though she hadn’t just given herself away. “You’re walking a dangerous line, Nicky. I’d be very, very careful where you step.”
“Get. The. Fuck. Out,” I whispered like the words were the strike of a match about to light the bomb that would demolish her life if she didn’t fucking listen.
She caved with a sweetly sinister smirk before turning to my traitorous mother.
“Thank you, Jane, for having me ov
er.” She reached out and even hugged her and I had to swallow down my vomit. Before leaving she tacked on, “I’m sorry that Nicky is being so difficult about this. I’m trying to do this as civilly as possible, but it looks like I might have to resort to other measures.”
I didn’t bother to listen to what my mom said back. I stood frozen until that walking cancer shut the door behind her.
“Nick! I can’t believe you said—you treated her that way! I just can’t believe it.”
“Jane, if you never believe another word that comes out of my mouth, I won’t give a shit. But, believe this. Eliza Blackman has no soul. She has no concern for Lila, only what having my daughter in her life can do for her. For once in your life, it would be nice to have you not just on my side but on the side of your granddaughter,” I ground out the words and then spun on my heel heading for the staircase. I wasn’t in the mood to hear the response that would show that believing me wasn’t humanly possible for her anymore.
Angrily, I stalked toward the other end of the house where I knew that Lila was already awake and probably asking where I was—wondering if, like Dory, I’d forgotten how to find her.
Like air found its way into my lungs with each beat of my heart, I’d always find her.
“I brought wine and snacks!” Ally exclaimed as she walked through the door, Jessa following closely behind her.
Watching them treat my apartment like a second home comforted me; in this case, it saved me from having to be the hostess I couldn’t find the strength to be.
Ally’s excitement tore at me. She didn’t realize that they weren’t going to be drinking for fun. Not tonight.
I’d spent the better part of the day cleaning—a ridiculous notion in and of itself because I pretty much cleaned every day. Bed made. Bath and kitchen always wiped down. There wasn’t enough dirt to justify what I’d done to my apartment, yet I cleaned like there’d been an outbreak of the plague in my modest one-bedroom space.
I cleaned like it would clean the cancer from my body.
Jessa gave me a look as she went for where I stored the wine glasses—rarely used except when they were here. Meanwhile, Ally plopped down on the couch, tossing my beloved throw pillows onto the floor. It bothered me only distantly; a body can only be stressed by so much.
Breathe, Heart.
I dreaded telling them about the cancer, but there was a logical explanation for it: endometriosis increases your risk for ovarian cancer.
But telling them about Nick? That was a whole different story, one that lacked logical explanation.
Not just what he’d done… what I’d asked him to do… but also the why; I didn’t want to admit the why.
A part of me which I had previously and obsessively ignored had broken free. The part that craved chaos like him, that wanted the bad that didn’t fit with my good. I’d spent all day trying to come up with the words to explain what he did to my body and my mind.
“Thanks, babe,” Ally said, taking the wine glass from Jessa. She knew better than to pour me one. “So, what’s new? What’s going on?” Her tone dulled slightly from when she arrived, absorbing my muted presence.
I sat on my beige couch and pulled one of the remaining neutral pillows against my chest.
Ally looked back and forth between Jessa, who just stared at me, and me.
“Tammy… what’s going on?” she demanded, now a little more frantic.
I sighed and put on a brave, serene smile because that’s who I was: the one who held it all together on the outside when my insides were crumbling apart.
“I went to the doctor on Wednesday. You know that I’ve been going a lot and they couldn’t seem to find a reason for the pain I’m having.” I rattled off the backstory like I was a nurse reading my own chart—efficient, succinct, and devoid of emotion. “After sending my bloodwork to a lab in Denver for more tests to be run, they finally got the results back; I have ovarian cancer.”
The silence that met the statement landed like a bomb—the nuclear kind that explodes soundlessly seconds before the boom signals the reality of the destruction. Pulling my gaze from the oblivion it had been staring into, I hazarded a glance first at Ally and then over to Jessa.
“A-are you serious?” Ally choked, full-well knowing that I was but not wanting to believe it. “Are they sure? Don’t they have to biopsy for that?”
“They did. They are sure.” I smiled again because I refused to cry.
Her hand clapped over her mouth as tears began to leak from her eyes. “Oh my God, Tammy. I’m so sorry. I’m so—”
“Ally, don’t—“ I broke off.
Do not cry. Do not cry.
“Tammy.” Jessa reached out and put her hand on my arm, pain lacing through her hazel eyes. “What can we do? What do you need us to do?”
My lip quivered like the foreshock of an earthquake before I finally crumbled. I sobbed and my girls, wrapping their arms around me, cried with me. I cried because I let them down; I was supposed to be the strong one, the rock for everyone to lean on. I cried because I let myself down. And I cried because all the right choices had led me to the wrong result.
But sometimes, even the strongest people in the world need to be vulnerable; no one can shoulder it all on their own. I wanted to spare them my pain but I couldn’t any longer.
Sometime later after there were no more tears left between us, I shakily told them what was next as far as I knew.
“What happens next?” Ally asked.
Guilt gnawed at my stomach for the dark clouds I’d caused over her sunshine face.
“I have an appointment this week with my oncologist to go over my treatment plan. Dr. Gentz believes that based on the difficulty of diagnosis, my symptoms allowed them to find the cancer early, which is… good. But even at good, I’m still facing having my ovaries and potentially my entire uterus removed, followed by chemo.”
I picked at the embroidery on the pillow, adding, “So, kids will definitely be out of the question for me.”
“Tammy,” Jessa began, taking my hand in her own and squeezing. “But you will still be here. It’s not the end of the world. You can adopt or foster. There are a million ways to be a mom and not one of them is better than the rest.”
She was one-hundred-percent right; I knew that. But a part of me still craved to carry my own child—the part that struggled to grasp how bad things happened to good people.
“I know, Jess. I know.” I gave her a weak smile.
“Have you told your mom?” Ally asked.
“No. I haven’t told anyone except you two,” I murmured. “She wants me to come up next month to visit for Mitchell’s birthday. I should probably tell her—tell my family in person.” I shuddered, thinking out loud.
My family was big on… family. Telling my mom over the phone wouldn’t be good, I thought as my chest tightened. I needed to be with her when I told her. I needed her right next to me so that she could hold me and tell me it was all okay. Somehow, when she said those words, I was always able to believe them.
I swallowed thickly. “Unless I can’t go up there because of the surgery or the treatments. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t…”
“Hey.” Jessa began to rub her hand in circles on my back, trying to calm the thoughts that were beginning to fly through my mind. “Take a deep breath. Let’s not get worked up about what we don’t know. See what the doctor has to say this week and go from there. One step at a time, Tammy.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
But what steps? I didn’t know what was right from wrong or good from bad any longer. Cancer had become my compass and no direction was safe anymore.
“Everything is going to be okay, Tammy,” Ally added firmly, her face still red and splotchy from crying. “And we will be there with you every step of the way, just like you’ve been there for us every time that we’ve fumbled and, you know, fallen flat on our faces…”
With no more tears left to cry, my lips turned up into a small smi
le. I needed this; I needed their consolation, but I also needed this comfort—the kind that reassured me that in spite of the massive changes about to happen in my life, they wouldn’t change; our friendship wouldn’t change.
“Hey! Speak for yourself, Miss Let’s-Seduce-My-Brother’s-Best-Friend,” Jessa retorted, opening the box of donuts and grabbing a Boston-cream.
“Oh, yeah, because that was so much worse of an idea than you moving in with your ex-boyfriend, my brother, who thought you’d cheated on him.” Ally chose one of the two jelly-filled ones.
“One day,” Ally continued, seeing the small opening to transition to something lighter, “we will finally learn your ways and make all the right choices, Yoda Tammy.”
I winced; she had no idea.
Jessa chuckled and the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. “Trust me, I can make wrong ones, too.”
“What do you mean?” Jessa asked as I reached for the chocolate-glazed donut that had been eyeing me for the past few minutes. “What is that lo—OH MY GOD!”
“What?” I looked at her and then down at myself, thinking a spider had crawled out of my nose the way she exclaimed. “What’s wrong?”
“You have the donut-look.”
I felt my face flushing. “Well, I’m holding a donut. So, that makes sense.”
“Oh, no,” she shook her head. “That’s from more than the soul-soothing calories you’re about to eat. What wrong decision did you make?”
“Tammy, your face is so red right now. Oh, my God. Does… does this have to do with a guy? Did you meet a guy and not tell us?”
No… and yes.
“Wait a second,” Jessa said. I saw the second the truth sprung on her like a bucket of ice water. “Did something happen with Nick?”
“Nick?” Ally furrowed her brow. “You mean Nick Frost?”
It was the gasp that could be heard around the world as they both stared at me in complete shock—like telling them I had cancer an hour ago had been a warm-up.
Maybe it was.
In Too Deep (Winter Games Book 4) Page 7