by Stacy Borel
I ate about half a sandwich and only a few bites of my cereal. Dodger was sitting across from me, his fingers steepled under his chin, and his leg was bouncing under the table.
“What did I say?” I asked, licking some mayonnaise under off my finger.
“What?”
“Breathe.”
“I’m breathin’, Macie.”
I smiled at him. “I love you, but lies don’t look good on you.”
“Woman, you’re making me a nervous wreck. I’ll breathe when my body makes me.”
I sighed. “Okay, grab the bags. We can head in so I can get checked.”
He slid the chair back so fast it screeched on the wood floor. As fast as he was gone, he was back in sight with my duffle bag slung over his shoulder, a pillow under his arm, the diaper bag on his other shoulder, and his suitcase which was only half zipped.
“Ready.”
Dear God, grant me the strength to not kill this man that I love so much, or touch his pretty boy face in the midst of my pain. Amen.
I silently said a prayer. Pushing myself up from the table, I paused for a brief moment because another contraction hit me. I inhaled through my nose, and exhaled through my mouth. I knew the song and dance. I preached it to women every day that I worked. Before I walked out the door and Dodger locked up behind me, I had the distinct feeling preaching it and feeling it were definitely going to be two very different entities.
On the way to the hospital, my contractions picked up in pace and length. I felt an “I told you so” coming from Dodger, but he kept his mouth shut. Which is was fortunate for him that he thought better of it. He asked if it was okay to call his mom, and I nodded. I could hear her enthusiasm over the phone. Dodger asked his mom if she could hold off on coming for a couple of hours though so we could get settled in. She agreed before he hung up. I asked him to call Keegan because I knew I was going to want her there. When I found out she was on shift already, I felt incredibly relieved. I’d be requesting her to be my nurse. Before we got there, he made another call to my parents, and they said they would come when we asked them to. My poor dad was likely a wreck with worry.
Dodger parked the car and helped me out. I told him to leave everything except the pillow and he could get it later. We got inside and registered and we headed upstairs to the labor and delivery floor. People I knew smiled at me and wished me luck. I couldn’t believe it was time. I thought I had another two weeks before I’d start feeling much of anything. Apparently, little man had other plans.
Once upstairs, Karen, one of the nurses on call took me to my room where I found Keegan preparing and setting everything up. She looked up and smiled at me, before the tears spilled over and she came over to me and hugged me.
“You doing okay?” she asked.
“I’m getting a little uncomfortable,” I admitted. “You sure you’re okay being in here for me as my nurse and not just a spectator?”
“No other role I’d rather take than this. I’m thrilled to be here with you.” She looked over at Dodger whose eyes were scanning the entire room. “You doing okay, Daddy?
“Hmmm? Oh yeah, I’m great,” he said.
We both gave each other a knowing look.
“He’s freaked,” I told her.
“I am not.”
“Dodger, you’re good at a lot of things, but lying isn’t one of them.”
“It’s okay, she’s in good hands. And myself and Dr. Carrie will explain everything to you as it happens.” Keegan tried to reassure him. “All right, let’s get you set up.”
She handed me my gown, and let me go in the bathroom to change. When I came out, I frowned at both of them.
“Someone really needs to come up with something a little more flattering than these things.” I picked up a corner of fabric and dropped it. “I look like a whale hiding under a sheet.”
Dodger laughed. “Nah, you make that sheet look incredible.”
“What did I say about lying?” I grumbled. Shuffling over to the bed, Keegan helped me lie back so the fetal monitor strap and contraction monitor were right where they needed to be.
She explained to Dodger what she was doing as she put a squirt of gel on my stomach in two spots. “This little thing here will show us just how strong each of Macie’s contractions are, that way we can decide if we need to kick on some medicine to help her out, or to back off from it. And this one will allow us to listen to the baby’s heart beat throughout the labor.”
He nodded and watched with rapt attention. Being on this side of things, I almost felt like a newbie myself. It’s all pretty intimidating when it’s happening to you. Going through all of this will probably help me be a little more empathetic with my patients when they come in looking terrified.
I was sitting back on the bed while Keegan moved around me, typing in my information in the computer, which would show at the nurses station out front. They could monitor us from there without having to be in here the whole time. When Keegan grabbed the cart, I knew it was IV time. She was good at giving them. We used each other to practice on when we were in school and learning. I closed my eyes and turned away when she stuck the needle in my hand. I wasn’t afraid of them really, but they never feel good either.
“Okay, I’m going to go out and call Dr. Carrie to give him an update and see what he wants to do. Do you need anything right now?”
I shook my head no. She looked to Dodger who was sitting in a chair keeping quiet.
“I’m good,” he replied.
When she walked out, he got up and came to my side. Grabbing my hand, he put it to his mouth and he kissed the back of it. He looked at the monitors and saw when I was starting a contraction.
“Does that hurt?”
I breathed. “A little. But I can still talk through them, so I’m not doing too bad. I’ll probably get an epidural soon though. I’d rather not feel anything if I can’t help it.”
The sound that I’d really grown to love that I’d miss hearing was in the background as he and I spoke. The familiar whoosh whoosh of my baby’s heartbeat reassured me he was doing good and tolerating labor okay. Before Keegan came back in, I had a few more contractions.
“Dr. Carrie wants me to check you to see how far you are. Are you good with that, or would you be more comfortable with Karen doing it?”
“Keegan, when I start pushing, none of this is going to matter. You’ve seen me naked before, so go ahead.”
She laid me back and pushed my legs open further than I’d opened them myself. She started talking to Dodger.
“Did Dr. Carrie explain the whole dilation process to you?” When he nodded, she went on. “Okay, good. What were you when you went in earlier today?”
“She was one centimeter,” Dodger answered for me.
“You’re now three, and the baby’s head has come down.”
“You can feel his head?” he asked completely blown away.
“Mhmm.” She smiled at him.
“Holy fuck.”
I laughed and shook my head. Keegan had just finished her exam and I was being sat back up.
“I think when I start pushing he’s going to need a chair.”
Keegan giggled. “Don’t tease the poor guy. For someone that doesn’t know what to expect, he’s doing okay.”
“I’m being a fucking champ.”
We both shook our heads.
“Hey, can you ask Dr. Ross to come down and give the epidural if Carrie is okay with it?”
“Ready for that already are you?”
I cocked my brow. “Woman, it’s getting a little uncomfortable. The less I have to feel the better.”
She nodded. “Okay. I’ll be right back.”
When she walked out, Dodger pulled his chair right next to the bed and sat down. We both stayed quiet and listened to our son. I squeezed his hand has contractions came and went. One in particular was stronger than others I’d had. I curled in on myself and had a death grip on Dodger.
“My god that hur
ts.”
“What does it feel like?” he asked curiously.
How did I explain this? “Ummm, well imagine someone taking your testicles and twisting them around a few times like you do someone one a tire swing. Then loop them as if you’re tying a knot and pull them tight. Then after that, get socked in the dick really hard.” He was looking at me like I’d lost my mind. “That’s probably as close to what it feels like.”
“Jesus, Macie.”
I shrugged. “What? It’s not like it’s relaxing on a beach in Mexico sipping a margarita.”
The door opened, and Donna came walking in. She was already in tears. I wonder if she even made it into the hospital before she started her crying.
“Hey, lovely girl.” She rushed to my side.
“Hi Mom, thanks for waiting a couple of hours,” Dodger greeted her, but she wasn’t paying him any attention.
“How are you feeling?”
“As good as can be expected.”
“Do you need anything? Food from the cafeteria? A coffee? Ice chips? Water?”
“Mom, she’s okay.” He smiled at her.
I grinned, but it was wiped away when another contraction slammed into me. Dodger came to my side and grabbed my hand for support. This one was particularly painful. As I was coming down from it, Dr. Ross, the anesthesiologist, came in to administer my epidural. Keegan as right behind him.
“Hey there, Macie. I heard you were having a baby today.” He attempted a joke.
“You heard correctly.”
“I’m just going to step out for a few minutes to make some calls,” Donna said, giving us privacy.
“So you ready for this?”
“I was ready before I got out of the car. In fact, you should’ve met me at the curb,” I teased. He laughed.
Keegan helped him do his thing while they sat me on the edge of the bed. Dr. Ross told Dodger he’d need to sit down because he’d had one too many dads think they could handle seeing a needle going in their significant other’s spine. When he stuck me, I felt that electric shock we always told our patients about, going straight down your leg. I tried not to jerk. Dodger’s face was pale white. I’m sure he was thankful for that chair right about now. When it was all done and in place, they helped me back on the bed and Keegan swung my legs up. I was starting to go numb from the top of my stomach down. Each contraction that came on, I felt the start of it, then it would die off like it wasn’t even happening. It took about twenty minutes for it all to take place and then I felt nothing. It was heaven. Pure heaven.
A few hours passed and I napped, as people came in and out of my room checking my IV, visiting with Dodger, and readjusting me so my epidural continued to work. When Dr. Carrie popped his head in it was about six hours after we’d gotten here.
“Looks like it’s baby day,” he said happily.
“Mhmm.” I yawned.
“I see that epidural is working well. Do you feel anything right now?”
“Nope. You can stick a fork in me, I won’t feel it.”
He chuckled. “Good. Well let’s see where we’re at.” He did the same thing Keegan had. The exam was quick, and painless. “You are just about there. Nine centimeters and baby’s head is right here.”
“What do you mean ‘right here’?” Dodger asked.
“Well, I mean I think it’s safe to say once we break the bed down and get everything set up for baby to make his entrance, Macie will be ready to push.”
“I gotta sit down.” Dodger plopped down.
“He may need ice chips after all the work he’s done,” I teased.
Really I was freaking out. I was doing my best to hold it together for everyone else around me, but I was scared to death of everything that was happening right now. My whole life was about to change and I didn’t know what to think of it. It almost felt like I was having an out-of-body experience and I was a spectator. Sure I may not feel anything, but pushing a baby out was single handedly the most terrifying thing I think I’ll ever experience. No amount of times I’d witnessed others doing this, or coached them could prepare me. I was about to meet my son. As Keegan and Dr. Carrie did everything just like I normally would, had I been the one in scrubs, I lay there and watched, trying to control my breathing from nerves. Karen had joined and Donna had come in to kiss Dodger and me on the cheek and to wish us luck. My parents had come to support us, but were out in the waiting room. I was sure Camden was around here somewhere but was steering clear of the room for now.
“Okay, Macie, if you could put your feet in the stirrups, we can do a practice push to see how you do and if we need to turn the epidural down a bit.”
“Huh uh, we’re keeping that bitch on.” I attempted to laugh like I was kidding, but I really wasn’t. They shut that thing off I’d cut someone.
Dodger was right by my side, his hand mindlessly rubbing my knee and Keegan was on the other side ready to coach me through. Dr. Carrie looked me in the eyes and told me bear down. I took a deep breath in and curled in on myself and pushed with all my might.
“Whoa, okay. No more practice pushes. You’re an A+ student, Macie. I see the top of baby’s head and it is full of hair.”
“He has hair?” Dodger asked.
“Mhmm. Dark hair,” Doc said.
Dodger was already getting choked up. Keegan’s lip was quivering but she was holding it together quite well. I wanted to feel emotional but I couldn’t. I was doing my best to concentrate on what was being asked of me.
“I think another two pushes and he will be here.”
“Wow, okay.” I blew out.
Keegan and the doctor watched the contraction monitor and waited for me to have another one. When they saw one coming on, they both told me to take a deep breath and push as hard as I could. My eyes were shut tight. When I heard Dodger choke up, I knew his head was out.
“One more little push, Macie. Small, small, small . . .” Keegan repeated.
And that was it. The very little I felt through the whole process was the very end. I couldn’t feel the pain of my son being born. I couldn’t feel the burning some women feel when the head is trying to come out. I did, however, feel when his body came out of me and my whole body went from tight and pressure, to lightness. My eyes flung open and they landed right on him. Dr. Carrie was suctioning his nose, and rubbing his stomach with a cloth. I looked up at Dodger and tears were falling from the corners of his bright blue eyes. I thought I saw love when he looked at me, but that was until he saw his son for the first time. That was it for him. Hook line and sinker, Dodger was done for with this little person. He hadn’t even cried yet, and he was so wrapped around his little fingers.
I looked back at my baby just as he was being laid on my chest and vigorously rubbed and cleaned. I don’t know what I was expecting, but his little body was heavy and warm. Gurgling sounds escaped his throat as he tried to take his first breaths from outside my womb. I was delightfully unaware of anything else the doctor was doing to me “down there” as I stared in awe and wonderment at my son. He was here.
“Oh my gosh, he’s perfect, Macie,” Keegan cried.
“Good job, Babe.” Dodger kissed my forehead, and bent to gently kiss the baby.
I melted. Every moment of my life led to this. Every tear, heartache, ounce of love, all of it. It was like a movie reel playing through my head. Falling down and scraping my legs, eating birthday cakes, fighting with my parents because I stayed out too late, my first time driving a car, high school parties, my first alcoholic drink, Dodger . . . it led me here. My son cried out. He had strong, healthy lungs. I tentatively brought my hand up and placed it on the back of his head.
“Hello, Foster. I’m so happy you’re here.” I spoke quietly to him.
The lights were bright for his little eyes. He tried opening them. Blinking a couple times, his tongue came out and he sucked on it. When he was able to keep his eyes open just enough he looked at me. I knew I was blurry to him, but he was looking right at me. It was an ins
tant connection.
“I love you so much already.”
“Would you like me to take a quick photo of you three?” Keegan asked.
“Yes, please.” Dodger handed her his phone and he bent down to us.
“I love you both,” he whispered so only I could hear.
I closed my eyes and smiled, putting my forehead on his cheek. Keegan took that opportunity to take the picture. We’d forever have this moment.
“Okay, we need to weigh the baby. Any guesses?” Karen announced.
She picked him up off me and put him in the baby warmer. She did a few things to him like cleaning him off better than he had been, gave him his first shot, and took the weight.
“I say ten,” I answered.
Dodger chuckled. “You would. I’m going to guess eight.”
Keegan went over and looked at him. “I’m going to go with eight-point-five. Dr. Carrie what about you?”
He was still doing some work on me and he glanced up. “Uh, let’s go with seven.”
Karen said, “He’s eight pounds even.”
Dodger smiled. “I’m good.”
“So what’s his full name?” Keegan asked.
Dodger and I had decided early on, before we’d even found out about the sex, that the name was the one thing we’d keep to ourselves. It wasn’t too hard to hold to it since we only agreed on a name about a month ago.
“His name is Foster Evan Brooks,” Dodger stated proudly.
“It’s absolutely perfect,” she exclaimed.
Doctor Carrie finished up, and congratulated the both of us. I was feeling tired, but the family would be heading in to meet the baby. The first person in was Donna. I didn’t expect anything less.
“Oh my gosh would you just look at him!” She was bawling.
Paul was behind her and he was all smiles. “Handsome boy, you two.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
Camden came in behind his dad and looked over his mom’s shoulder at his nephew. “Hey, I think he has my nose.”