“I . . . very much . . . like this sweater,” I said. “It . . . hurts my ‘feelings’ that you would mock it.”
Ffangg’s ears flattened back against his skull. “This ruse is beneath even you, Wyss-Kuzz,” he hissed.
“Howdy howdy!” a beaver said, sticking his head between us. “My name’s Q’bip! So you fellers want to be emperor, too, huh? Well, I’m the candidate of the Semi-Aquatic Rodents for Progress Party. It sure is an honor to be here with you two on such a great—”
“HARK, YE CREATURES OF THE COSMOS!” a voice rang out.
My enemy’s tail puffed in alarm at the sight of the speaker, a gargantuan long-haired braagnox. But the bear hardly fazed me; after all, I lived with Humans.
“As Supreme Guardian and Protector of the All-Wise Council, I welcome ye who have journeyed through space and time to be here today,” she declared. “And I hereby bring this session of the Imperial Selection to order!”
The crowd roared, and shivers of excitement ran through my fur. It was happening! Soon I would meet the All-Wise Council and prove myself before them. I had dreamed of this moment my entire life!
“Upon these Eternal Steps stands the future ruler over all living matter!” the braagnox bellowed. “But who will it be? Bovintus, distinguished buffalo from the Free Roam Association?” There was a loud stamping of hooves. “Or Gulo, untamed wolverine from the Rugged Individualist Society? Or perhaps Finx, wily weasel of the Federated Social Media Trolls League?”
As the braagnox introduced nominee after nominee, I scanned the crowd for members of AWESOME. I saw Generalissima Zok first—of course, it is difficult to miss a two-legged, three-ton ground shark with 794 razor-sharp teeth. Next to her was that Spatziod bounty hunter who always made such a pig of himself at the warlords’ buffet. (He was a boar, but still.) And then I spied the fluffy tail of Colonel Akorn. He caught my glance and returned it with a knowing smirk.
When I became emperor, he would never smirk again!
Although it was so very cute.
The braagnox caught my attention with her next introduction.
“Perchance our next emperor shall be General Ffangg,” she thundered, “he of the Allied Warlords of Evil, Sabotage, Oppression, and More Evil.”
This introduction was met with much loud hissing. At least from me.
“And our final candidate is yet another feline, this one hailing from the Good An— Wait, is this right?” The braagnox looked down at her notes and then shook her head. “Apparently, hailing from the Good Animals Group, we have Klawde!”
Though I winced to hear myself described as such, I winced still more when the pack of spacemutts began to howl their approval.
“Woof woof, Klawdie,” Ffangg whispered.
Before I could respond, the braagnox raised her enormous paw, signaling the assembled to silence.
“And now, animals of the cosmos, the time hath come,” the braagnox gravely intoned. “Let the Imperial Selection begin!”
CHAPTER 25
I’d been home from practice for about half an hour when the doorbell rang.
“Don’t look so surprised,” Newt said as I opened the door. “I told you I’d be over to work on our project.”
“Uh, right,” I said. “Come on in.”
We went into the kitchen, and I opened my laptop to show her what I’d done so far.
Napoleon Bonaparte was born in 1769 on the island of Corsica. After going to school at a military academy, he became a lieutenant in the French Army in 1785.
“That looks pretty good,” Newt said. “But you know what would make it better? A different font.”
“Huh?”
She knocked me aside and started messing with my slide, changing the color, size, and shape of the letters.
“And you need exclamation points,” she said. “All writing is more interesting with exclamation points.”
Napoleon Bonaparte
was born in 1769 on the island of Corsica! After going to school at a military academy, he became
a LIEUTENANT in the French army in 1785!!!!
“Um, I’m not sure that’s what we should be worrying about right now,” I said.
“Of course it is,” she said. “You have to grab people’s attention visually.”
Newt made another change, and the letters turned green and squiggly.
“That just looks gross,” I said. “Also, I’ve only done like ten slides, and we need fifty.”
“Well, I guess you better keep writing.”
Right then, I could understand how Klawde felt about his enemies. “Fine, then can you give me my computer?” I asked.
Newt grunted and went back to trying different fonts. I was about to rip the computer out of her hands when Klawde walked into the kitchen. When he saw Newt, he went over and rubbed up against her leg. Why was he doing that?
“Get your cat away from me, dude,” Newt said. “I’m allergic.”
Almost apologetically, Klawde turned around and jumped up on the counter.
“Hey, why is your last slide about the French Revolution?” Newt said. “Napoleon’s, like, barely done anything yet.”
“I just told you we need to do forty more!” I said. “If you’re not going to do anything, can you at least not criticize?”
She finally let me have the computer back so I could start on a new slide.
Then Newt said, “Uh, I don’t really know much about cats. But do their heads normally spin around like that?”
“What are you talking about?” I said. I looked up and saw Klawde racing out of the kitchen.
“Your cat’s head just did a 360,” Newt said. “Like, for real.”
“Yeah, right,” I said, still typing. I wasn’t going to let her fool me again.
CHAPTER 26
It was dark inside the Temple of the Ages, but I could tell from our echoing pawsteps that the hall was vast. My superior feline eyes began to adjust—but where was the All-Wise Council?
At last, the braagnox stopped at what appeared to be a trapdoor in the Temple floor. “I hope ye are ready, imperial candidates,” she said. “Beneath this portal ye will enter the chamber of the All-Wise Council, where ye will face the same tests every potential emperor before ye has. Perhaps ye have heard of . . . the Three Trials?”
Beside me, Q’bip tried to stifle a gasp. The Three Trials were legendary. Although no one knew exactly what they were, I assumed that at least two involved bloodshed.
The braagnox grabbed the handle of the trapdoor and paused to look grimly at each of us. “If any of ye speak of what transpires inside, it is my sworn duty to hunt thee down and cut off thy head!” Then she bared her teeth in what might have been a smile. “Now go have some fun.”
I decided I rather liked this braagnox.
The first to descend through the trapdoor was Nuknuk, the chipmunk representative of the Society of Vegetarians for Nutritiousness.
“More like the Smorgasbord of Prey Animals for Deliciousness,” Ffangg whispered.
One had to admit—he was funny.
But even as we mocked her, I wondered what three trials Nuknuk was undergoing. And, more importantly, how was she faring?
When Nuknuk finally reappeared, her eyes were glazed and her nose twitched uncontrollably. She looked as if she had undergone great horrors.
How splendid! Obviously the chipmunk had failed miserably.
“Next,” the braagnox bellowed.
The wolverine entered the chamber eagerly. Many time units later, he too reemerged, a shell of his former self. Whimpering, he was led away by two smaller braagnox guards, as Nuknuk had been before him.
More candidates went, and all returned shattered. Whatever trials they were facing, I knew that I would face them more bravely.
“Wyss-Kuzz, old friend,” Ffangg said wi
stfully, “we have competed against each other in many contests over the years, haven’t we?”
“Ah yes—remember our fighter pilot races back when we were just kits?” I mused. “I was undefeated, as I recall.”
“I prefer to remember the Oratory Olympics,” Ffangg said. “Did you ever win a single Golden Tongue?”
“As if anyone cares about that stupid contest!”
Thus did we engage in several hours of fierce argument, which was a pleasant way to entertain ourselves during the endless wait. I was desperately eager to take my turn, but every time the braagnox called out another candidate, I was disappointed. Finally, after the skunk from the Society of Odiferous Spray Glands was led out, her fur now totally white, only two candidates remained. Myself, and Ffangg.
Unfortunately, the braagnox called my nemesis next. His session with the Council lasted longer than any of the others’ had, and I began to fear he might be doing well. Even more troubling, he did not seem wholly wrecked when he reemerged through the trapdoor.
“Your turn,” he said to me with a snarl.
So this was it. The braagnox held open the trapdoor for me, and the two of us descended into ever deeper darkness. At the bottom, we came to another door.
The woolly bear pointed her scepter at me. “On the other side of this portal are the oldest and wisest creatures in the universe, the very sight of whom have caused some to weep,” the braagnox said. “Prepare thyself to meet . . . the COUNCIL!”
CHAPTER 27
My history teacher was also the girls’ basketball coach, so after practice I went over and asked her if I could finish the project by myself.
“Newt hasn’t done any work yet.”
“I’m sure she’s trying her best,” Ms. McQuade said.
“She’s really not,” I said. “The only thing she’s done so far is mess around with font colors and use Photoshop to draw a big mustache on Napoleon.”
“Look, with a project like this, the most important thing isn’t always the history,” she said. “It’s the collaboration, and learning how to work with people we don’t necessarily get along with.”
This really wasn’t the answer I was looking for.
When I got home, I ditched my backpack by the front door and slumped down onto a kitchen chair. Klawde was napping on the counter, but his eyes opened the moment I walked in.
“You have lots of enemies,” I said to him. “But have you ever had to, like, work with one of them?”
“Enemies?” Klawde said. “I don’t have any enemies.”
“What do you mean you don’t have any enemies?” I said. “You’re always talking about how everyone has betrayed you and stuff.”
Klawde blinked. “Oh yes, I meant to say that I have many, many enemies! That Ffangg! He is the worst! Oooh, he’s such a meanie!” Then he kind of hissed. “On the other hand, my colleague Flooffee-Fyr is both handsome and pleasant to talk to. I think more cats should appreciate him for being the loyal, intelligent cat he is. He’s like a brother to me, and my very best friend.”
This did not sound like Klawde at all.
I reached out my hand to touch his forehead—cats could get fevers, right?—and he actually let me. But his fur didn’t feel warm, it felt cool. Cold, even.
“Klawde,” I said. “What is going on with you?”
He blinked again. “What? There’s nothing wrong!”
Then his head started spinning around, laser beams shot out of his eyes, and the kitchen trash can burst into flames.
Uh-oh.
CHAPTER 28
When the braagnox opened the immense door, I expected to see a sumptuously glittering hall, an elite guard of intergalactic bears, and twelve ancient, long-whiskered felines seated upon thrones of Carpawthian aurum. Instead, I found myself in a dark, moist cave facing twelve large . . .
Rocks?
“Esteemed members of the All-Wise Council,” the braagnox announced, “I present to thee: KLAWDE!”
Members? What members? The braagnox seemed to be talking to the stones.
Then something happened that made the fur along my spine rise up in shock. The rocks grew legs. And bald, scaly heads!
The keepers of the secrets of the cosmos weren’t felines at all. They were turtles!
Turtles? That could not be right! Turtles were known across the universe to be slow, indolent, and unambitious. I myself had conquered Tartaruga Major and Minor and sunk the population into serfdom with hardly any trouble at all.
I did hope these turtles wouldn’t hold that against me.
The members of the Council began to crawl toward me, so slowly that at first I did not even realize they were moving. They seemed to be conversing with each other, but I could not understand their ancient language.
“What are they—”
“SILENCE!” the braagnox commanded. “Speak only when spoken to.”
I stifled a hiss. Perhaps I did not like her as much as I thought.
“In their infinite wisdom, the Council crafts trials to suit each individual candidate,” she went on. “Thy first trial, feline, will be one of skill.”
This was splendid news, for I was skilled in all things—violent ones especially. I could almost feel my claws sharpening themselves.
The turtles conferred with the braagnox, who then turned to me.
“The Council hath decided thy first task,” the braagnox said. “And that is to sing.”
“Sing?” I repeated. “Sing what?”
“Ask not for details! Do only what the Council commands. And their command is: Sing!”
How ridiculous! And yet, on the other paw, how fortuitous. My singing voice had long been praised. I would begin with one of the great caterwauls of yore, followed by a more modern composition. For my finale, I’d perform an upbeat little ditty about ballistics that I wrote while in military school. Oh, how the other cadets loved it!
I cleared my throat and mentally found my starting pitch. I breathed in, and began.
“R—”
“Thank thee very much,” the braagnox said.
“Excuse me?”
“I said, Thank thee very much.”
“But I barely got out one note bef—”
“SILENCE!” the braagnox ordered.
It was all I could do to stifle another hiss.
To temper my emotions and refocus, I decided to take a Centering Nap. But I’d barely closed my eyes when the giant braagnox shouted again.
“NO NAPPING!”
“No . . . napping?”
When I became emperor, I would banish this mange-ridden bear to the weasel galaxy!
CHAPTER 29
“Whoops!” Klawde said as smoke rose from the trash can. “My bad.”
Except that this couldn’t be Klawde, because for one thing, if Klawde had laser eyes, he would’ve used them a long time ago. And for another, he’d never say “my bad.”
“Who are you?” I yelled as I stamped out the flames. “What are you?”
The weaponized-cat thing turned toward me, and I ducked behind the refrigerator in case more lasers were on their way.
“Where did you come from?” I yelled. “And what did you do with Klawde?”
Then, in a voice that no longer sounded at all like Klawde’s, the thing spoke. “Darn it, I’ve blown my cover.” It sighed. “The Supreme Leader is going to be so miffed at me!”
“Who are you?”
“Raj, I am Flooffee-Fyr.”
“Flooffee-Fyr?” I said. “Klawde’s minion?”
“I really don’t love that term, I have to say. I prefer colleague or associate. Or best pal!”
“But what happened to Klawde?”
“Don’t worry about him. He’s fine.” The mechanical Klawde blinked. “I mean, I think he’s fine. You never know with the Supremest.�
�� Its head spun around again and made a clicking sound.
“So you’re a robot?” I said. “I thought you were a real cat.”
“I am! This is the X2, a catdroid look-alike of the Great Leader. I’m operating it from back on Lyttyrboks. The Masterful One wanted me to send it to your house so—let’s see, how did he put it? Oh right. So the idiotic ogres don’t know I’m off their miserable swamp of a planet.”
Now that sounded like Klawde. But I still didn’t know where he was.
Flooffee explained that Klawde had gone off with Barx to “the Infinitude,” which sounded faraway and super scary.
“Oh, don’t be nervous, little ogre, the Infinitude is the primordial cradle of the universe, and it’s just a hop, skip, and a few billion light-years away,” Flooffee said. “Everyone’s gathered there to see who’ll be picked as the next Emperor of the Universe.”
“The what?”
“You know, the animal who lords over all living matter. Didn’t they teach you about that in school?”
“Uh, not exactly.”
“Wow, the Master was right—your schools really are useless,” Flooffee muttered under his breath. “Anyway, the Great Leader is running for emperor!” The catdroid cocked its head and blinked, and another pair of lasers shot out of its eyes and scorched the kitchen table.
“Stop that!”
“Sorry, we seem to be malfunctioning a smidge,” Flooffee said. “I think the Earth’s magnetic field is messing with the controls.”
“I want to hear more about this emperor stuff,” I said. “But first you need to tell me how to fix this catdroid before it burns my house down.”
CHAPTER 30
After a lengthy consultation with the all-wise turtles, the braagnox announced the nature of my next test.
“The second trial is a trial of wisdom,” she said. “In order for the Council to determine if thou will be a fair and righteous emperor, thou must answer one essential question.”
Emperor of the Universe Page 5