CHAPTER 42
After an unspeakably long and tedious journey, we finally arrived at our dead star destination. As the thrusters of Barx’s ship reversed for landing, I gazed in awe upon the future site of the Duel of the Branch: a tree so enormous that it dwarfed even the Temple of the Ages. It was truly the most majestic sight I had ever seen.
“Boy oh boy,” Barx said, madly wagging his tail. “I can’t wait to lift my leg on that!”
I nearly slashed the cur across the snout for his insolence. But I could hardly waste my time, not with Ffangg already sitting atop the Temple steps, soaking up glory. I needed to get there—now!
“Well, well, well, look who has finally arrived,” Ffangg said as I leaped up the final stair. Then he wrinkled his nose. “What is that I smell? Eau de Dog Breath? L’Essence d’Ogre?”
Before I could devastate him with my wit, that fool Q’bip stuck his head between us.
“Hey, fellers! I just wanted to wish you both good luck and no hard feelings!” the beaver said. “I hope you like the tree! Me and the other fellers from the union chomped it down for you. If you can’t beat ’em, cut a tree down for ’em, that’s what I always say!”
At that moment, the doors of the Temple of the Ages opened, and the braagnox stepped forth to thunderous applause from the crowd. Then the shaggy bear raised a giant paw above her head and cleared her throat.
“Greetings, citizens of the universe!” she began. “Once again we gather to choose our next emperor. But today there shall be no ties!”
The crowd roared its approval, and the braagnox had to pause before continuing.
“First, on behalf of the All-Wise Council, I would like to express gratitude to Q’bip and the rest of the Semi-Aquatic Rodents for Progress Party for delivering this tree all the way from the Omega Zone.”
The beaver slapped his fat tail on the ground, applauding himself.
“A tree is necessary,” the braagnox continued, “for according to ancient feline law, cats prove their superiority by the Duel of the Branch. Whoever suffers the Downfall loses; whoever remains in the tree shall become the 38,763rd Emperor of the Universe.”
I felt my fur stand on end. Limitless power was but a claw’s breadth away.
“Before all that, however,” the braagnox said, “please stand for the ‘Star-Spangled Cosmos,’ which today will be sung by the Crows of Black Hole 38C!”
Though I had little patience for such pomp and circumstance, the mutts had already begun to howl.
CHAPTER 43
If I’d thought the spaceship was cool, it was nothing compared to this.
Being here—wherever this was—was like being in some kind of enormous sci-fi zoo! Giant hovering platforms held pandas, raccoons, bison, wolverines, and rabbits, plus a lot of species I’d never seen before. Some I wasn’t sure we had on Earth—and some we definitely didn’t have on Earth. Like the one that just looked like a big rolling lump of slime.
“That’s a billilliggogg,” Flooffee said. “Great senses of humor, those guys.”
Barx had gone off to join his GAG mates, while Flooffee and I were trying to find the AWESOME platform. The place was so crowded, though, that it was hard to maneuver the catdroid through all the other space animals. Suddenly the deafening squawks of a thousand birds filled the air.
“That’s the ‘Star-Spangled Cosmos’!” Flooffee yelled.
Then I heard more yelling. This time it was my mom!
I took the VQ headphones off. “What?”
“Raj!” she was calling. “Breakfast!”
It was breakfast time already? Had I been up the entire night? I hadn’t even gone over my Napoleon presentation, and I had to give it this afternoon.
“Your oatmeal is getting cold,” Mom called.
“I’m not hungry!” I yelled back.
“Well, I sure am!” Flooffee said, not realizing I wasn’t talking to him. “Let’s hit that sprikkelbrat vendor over there.”
It wasn’t until the fireworks display that Flooffee finally found who he was looking for.
“There they are!” Flooffee said. “The Allied Warlords of Evil.”
I followed him up the steps to the platform and then froze in terror. “Who is that?” I whispered.
“Colonel Akorn! Adorable isn’t he? Vicious as a hornet, though.”
“No, not the squirrel,” I said. “That huge, terrifying monster with the teeth.”
“Oh, you mean Zok?” Flooffee said. “Yes, she is the most terrifying being in the universe. At least as far as I’ve met.”
The monster took a step toward me—who ever heard of a shark with legs?!—and I was so scared that I had to take the VQ off for a second, just to make sure that I was really still in the basement.
“Now remember your cover story,” Flooffee whispered to me. Then he spoke more loudly to the others. “Hey, fellow evil warlords! I made it here okay after all. I hope you guys weren’t too worried about me!”
I definitely did not get the feeling that anyone had been worried about Flooffee. Colonel Akorn, however, seemed concerned about me. “What is HE doing here?” the squirrel demanded.
For a moment, I was worried that my cover was blown, but then Flooffee butted in.
“This is Wyss-Zukk, one of Wyss-Kuzz’s littermates,” he said. “He really hates Wyss-Kuzz, you know, for hanging out with ogres, disgracing catkind by apologizing to dogs, and wearing sweaters and stuff.”
“What problem, kitty?” Zok said, towering above me. “Why you no talk for yourself?”
“He’s mute,” Flooffee said. “That means he can’t speak.”
“Zok know what mute means. Zok has excellent vocabulary.” Zok stood so close to Flooffee and was breathing so heavily that Flooffee’s fur blew out behind him.
“Sure you do,” Flooffee said nervously. “I mean—”
“Shhhh!” Akorn said. “It’s starting!”
I looked over at the tree and saw Klawde and Ffangg crouched near its base. Then a horn sounded, and they started climbing up the trunk. They were both really fast, and pretty soon they were way above the Temple roof.
“How dangerous is this?” I whispered to Flooffee. “I mean, I know cats can survive high falls, but those branches are really high.”
“You mean if they fell from up there?” Flooffee said. “That would kill them for sure!” He chomped some kind of deep-fried meat off his skewer. “Too bad you can’t try these sprikkelbrats, because they are de-lish!”
CHAPTER 44
The moment the braagnox gave the sign, Ffangg and I sprang at each other’s throats. I performed a perfect Reverse-Slash of the Five Razors, while he led with a Forward-Slash of the same. We missed each other by the width of a single whisker.
I could tell that my nemesis had also been training. He was faster and more ferocious than I had ever seen him. But I would not let him defeat me again.
I feinted left, and then leaped toward my enemy. Ffangg dodged, hissing, and I shot past him, only to collide with the tree trunk. My balance faltered, and I scraped at the bark as I slid. My back paws dangled in the air as I hung on by my clawtips.
“That looks uncomfortable, old friend,” Ffangg called as he slunk along the branch toward me.
The cheers of AWESOME grew deafening.
“Are your paws starting to cramp?” he said, purring. “Did you neglect your claw exercises?”
As he went to swipe at me, I let go of the branch. Twisting in midair, I landed on a lower branch in a perfect crouch. Ffangg jumped down to meet me, and our front paws clashed in simultaneous Lunar Paw strikes. Then he sank into Coiled Spring, as I knew he would. I countered by jumping to a higher branch.
“Hopping to a higher perch like a little birdie, are we?” Ffangg called. “I knew that’s what you would do!”
Just as I had known he would lame
ly taunt me.
I was about to fling myself down upon his back when it struck me: As unbelievable as it seemed, the canine and the ogre were right. Ffangg and I were too much alike. If I knew where I was aiming, so did my enemy.
It was time for a change in strategy, even if that strategy went against everything I believed in and held dear.
I paused for a moment to summon the will to—hack hack—think like a dog.
Ffangg smirked. “Everything all right up there, Klaw—”
Before he could even finish his sentence, I jumped down and landed right in front of him. As he stared at me in surprise, I lunged forward and licked his nose.
Ffangg drew back in horror, his movement so sudden he nearly lost his balance. I wished I could bathe my tongue in acid after what I had done, but the action had had its desired effect. I approached again, and licked him again.
There was no mistaking the jeering from the ranks of AWESOME—yet I could also hear a howl of approval.
“That is disgusting,” Ffangg spat. “You have spent so much time with the canines that you have become one!”
“Better a dog than a cross-eyed alley cat!” I didn’t mean it, of course—dogs are disgusting—but I knew it would shock him still more.
Before Ffangg could get out his next insult, I performed a Mega-Triple Helix over his head, landing behind him. I opened my jaws wide, bit him on the tail as hard as I could, and ran.
He roared in rage as he began to chase me. I jumped from branch to branch, never stopping. I was a glorious blur of speed! It was as if the wind and I were one!
My enemy followed, close upon my heels. But soon I could hear him breathing harder, and I knew that he would not be close for long.
CHAPTER 45
“Look. Kitty runs,” Zok said. “Ha. Ha.”
“He calls himself a warlord!” said Akorn. “What a fraud!”
Klawde was racing straight up the tree, with Ffangg furiously trying to chase him down.
“That Klawde sure is a disgrace to warlords everywhere!” Flooffee said. “Good thing we kicked him out of the club, right, guys?”
Then he gave me this huge wink that anyone could have seen. He was a seriously terrible actor.
Meanwhile, Klawde was zipping all over the massive tree, leaping from branch to branch, and it didn’t look like he was getting tired at all. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes: Klawde was actually taking our advice. He was trying to wear Ffangg out—and it was working!
I looked over toward GAG and caught Barx’s eye. He winked at me, and then he started a howling cheer. The other dogs took it up, and it was so loud that I almost didn’t hear my phone.
DING!
DING!
DING!
I ignored it. I mean, my cat was in a ginormous outer space tree being chased by his mortal enemy—what did I care about text messages?
DING!
DING!
DING!
They just wouldn’t stop, and I decided I’d better see who it was. What if Mom or Dad had gotten into an accident or something? I took off my headset and looked at the screen.
NEWT
RAJ! Where are?
RAJ! Why are u NOT AT SCHOOL?
HELLO??
RAJ!!!
OUR PRESENTATION IS TODAY!!!!
I looked at the clock and saw that it was 10:13. How did it get so late? I’d already missed the first three periods!
This was not good—I really needed to go. But how could I? What would happen in the duel while I was gone? And, if you really thought about it, I was already late, and it wasn’t like I was going to get marked later. All that mattered was that I got there for history, which was last period.
I texted Newt that I was sick but not to worry, that I’d be there in plenty of time for our presentation. Then I put the headset on again and was immediately back in the Infinitude.
I could see that Ffangg was completely exhausted. He had stopped running and was sitting on a branch near the crown of the tree, gasping for air. All of a sudden, Klawde came flying out of nowhere and swiped Ffangg’s front legs out from under him.
The crowd gasped as Ffangg went headfirst over the side of the branch. He managed to grasp onto its underside, but there was no way he could hang on for long. Letting out a yowl of fury and fear, he desperately tried to pull himself up—and failed.
Instead, he lost his grip and began to fall!
“Oh boy, he is not going to walk away from this one,” Flooffee said. “Hey, vendor! You got any more of those sprikkelbrats?”
CHAPTER 46
The instant my enemy began to plummet to his doom, something shocking happened. Something horrifying. At the last possible second, he was saved.
By—I could hardly believe it—me.
Without even meaning to, indeed, as if by instinct, I found myself catching Ffangg’s tail in my mouth and pulling him back up to the safety of the branch.
I spat out a mouthful of his fur.
“Why did you do that?” Ffangg hissed.
I had no idea—and I was horrified. Had Barx’s talk of justice and kindness somehow gotten to me?
“You’re welcome for saving your life,” I said, as if I had done it on purpose. “I wanted you to . . . to witness my ultimate victory. Yes!”
Ffangg’s ears flattened back. “First you beat me, and then you humiliate me by saving my life?”
Believe me, I regretted it already.
“Either you are taking your cruelty and sadism to a new level,” Ffangg said, “or else the opposite is true.” He flicked his tail derisively. “Perhaps it is as the canine believes: You have actually become a good animal!”
I wanted to scratch his eyes out for the very suggestion, except that suddenly I was surrounded by Barx and the other simpering cretins of GAG, who had floated up on their hover-platform and were now swarming the tree.
“You did it, you did it!” that mouthwatering little GAG mouse said. “And you really aren’t evil!”
“Klawde’s our hero!” cried Flopp’Z.
“I told you he was an animal of goodness and sincerity,” Barx said. “I think maybe that peace sign is rubbing off on you, huh, buddy?”
I wanted to eat two of them, scratch the eyes out of the third, and push Ffangg back off the branch. But then it struck me. Who cared if they thought I was a changed cat?
I was about to be crowned Emperor of the Universe!
The torches were lit and the flock of stitterbits released from the Temple, signaling that a new emperor had been chosen. Even though I had never doubted my eventual triumph, I could hardly believe that it was actually happening. As the stitterbits disappeared into the clouds, the braagnox strode to the top of the steps to make the announcement.
“ALL HAIL THE NEW EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE! ALL HAIL FFANGG!”
“What are you talking about, you stupid bear?!” I shouted. “I won!”
The braagnox blinked up at me. “Oh, thou art not Ffangg? Thou art the other one?” she said. “Boy, I really can’t tell you two cats apart. Oh well, the new emperor is Klawde. All hail.”
“ALL HAIL THE NEW EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE! ALL HAIL KLAWDE!”
CHAPTER 47
My heart was pounding as I sprinted to school—not just because I was running so fast, but because my cat had won the Duel of the Branch. He was going to be emperor!
Oh, and also because I was really, really late.
“Mr. Banerjee,” Ms. McQuade said as I burst into the room. “How kind of you to join us for your presentation.”
The lights were off, our first slide was up on the screen, and even in the dark I could tell that Newt was shooting daggers at me with her eyes. “Sorry,” I gasped.
“Wow, that must be a really b
ad fever you have, Raj,” she said. “You’re dripping with sweat.”
“Yeah,” I said, taking the clicker from her. “Totally.” I could hardly catch my breath, but I had to start my section of the presentation anyway. “So, Napoleon was born . . . um,” I began. Then I had to turn around and look at the slide, because suddenly I couldn’t remember a thing. “Napoleon was born in 1769, on the island of Corsica.”
It wasn’t a great start, but by the time I got to Napoleon becoming a general, I was delivering my lines just like I’d practiced. And I was doing pretty good. Ms. McQuade nodded along with everything I said, and the other kids seemed to be following me, too.
By the time I got to the end of my part, however, I noticed that Trevor’s eyes were closed and his mouth had fallen open. Brody looked like he was asleep, too. Maybe I should have taken out those slides about Napoleon and the metric system.
“So, that’s what I’ve got,” I said. “Now, um, it’s Newt’s turn.”
I handed her the clicker. She had a big smile on her face as she pressed it.
“IN A WORLD . . .”
Immediately, Trevor and Brody sat up. And everyone else in the room leaned forward and started paying attention—including Ms. McQuade. And they kept paying attention even after the trailer, when Newt talked about how Napoleon married Josephine, and how he threw big parties when he was exiled on Elba, and a bunch of other junk I hadn’t thought mattered. It was pretty interesting after all, I had to admit.
After Newt finished, we did questions-and-answers, and then everyone clapped for us.
“That was a very nice job, you two. You informed and entertained us,” Ms. McQuade said. “Excellent teamwork and collaboration.”
“Hey, you want to get that slice of pizza finally?” Newt asked as we went into the hall after class. “To celebrate?”
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