Raul chuckles. “Hockey’s a great sport.”
I knew Raul would be excited about it. He loves all sports. When he’s not busy working his hind end off, I can usually find him in front of a TV, watching ESPN or something sports related.
“So,” he drawls hesitantly, a sure sign he’s about to change the subject. By the tone of his voice, I can tell it’s a radical change. “Tomorrow’s going to be a tough day for you. Want to get away from the ranch and go do something? Maybe a movie?”
A jab of anxiety hits me deep in my tummy, but it’s quickly washed away by the flow of love for this man who is always looking out for me. He’s been with me through nineteen birthdays, and he knows how hard they are.
Tomorrow is March 3rd. I’ll be thirty-two years old.
It’s also the anniversary of the Serb attack on my village and the twenty-year anniversary of the day I watched my grandfather, father, and brother murdered right in front of me. Twenty years since my sister was handed over to soldiers and raped while I was forced to watch even as my tears still poured from grief over the rest of my family.
I’ve never celebrated my birthday since then. Never wanted to. Helen was always understanding of my choice. Instead, we celebrated the date of my adoption finalization, which is in November. It was a way for me to have cake and presents like other normal kids.
But on March 3rd, I try to live my life as normally as possible while not avoiding the pain.
Because that’s impossible.
But as a reminder that I am quite the normal person. I have overcome much. While I’m still sad and grieve, I also flourish.
“I’ll be fine tomorrow.” I tip my head his way, giving him a quick, sly smile. “Besides… aren’t you just dying to play with the tractor tomorrow? That’s way more fun than a movie.”
Raul’s head falls back as he laughs, his hat catching on the side of the barn and tumbling off. His eyes are bright with humor when they land on me. “All right then… I’ll make you a non-celebratory birthday breakfast and we’ll spend the day playing with the new tractor.”
CHAPTER 14
Tacker
For the life of me, I can’t figure out why walking away from Nora to go sit with my teammates isn’t sitting right with me.
Might have to do with the fact I’d rather talk to her than them. I sure as hell like looking at her a lot more than I do them.
Hell, just moments ago when she came toward me with a plate of food in her hand, I thought she might be the prettiest creature I’d ever seen. And yes, I felt a flush of guilt for feeling that way because not only is she my therapist, but she’s also not MJ.
But MJ’s gone. You’re allowed to think other women are pretty, Tacker.
Not really, asshole.
Yes, really.
And that’s why I’m walking away after we made a little small talk. The truth is, because I want to stay and talk to her so badly is why I needed to walk away.
I make my way to the picnic table, currently occupied by Dominik, Dax, Legend, and Aaron. The guys are big and the table is small, so I merely sidle to the edge of it, setting my plate down.
The conversation between Dominik and Dax is already heated. Aaron and Legend listen with smirks on their face.
“For the last time,” Dax says with frustration. “I am not helping you hook up with my sister.”
Dominik is cool and unruffled. “I don’t need your help with that. I need your help figuring out how I can get her to give me the time of day.”
“Not going to happen,” Dax mutters.
“Why not?” Dominik challenges. “I’m smart, successful, and I’d treat her like a queen.”
Dax’s eyes narrow as he leans in toward Dominik. “I’ve seen the queens you’ve had in your stable. There are a lot.”
When Dominik shrugs, my eyes cut over to Aaron. I can read the expression on his face clearly. This is really good stuff. Extremely exciting.
I smirk, refocusing my attention on Dominik as he replies to Dax in a calm, level manner. “Look… your sister is admittedly relationship-averse, so why do you care if I am, too? She’s an adult who is more than capable of making her own decisions about whether she wants to go out with me or not.”
“Exactly,” Dax grits out. “So ask her and deal with it yourself.”
“I would if she’d respond to my calls and texts. It’s like she’s dropped off the face of the earth.”
“Kosovo,” Dax says, the one word causing Dominik’s eyebrows to rise and my stomach to clench.
“Kosovo?” Dominik asks, a bit loudly.
My head snaps over to where Nora and Raul are sitting side by side at the barn, eating their food. They’re far enough away they can’t hear this conversation.
I think.
“What the fuck is she doing in Kosovo?” Dominik demands, and my gaze jerks to Nora. Didn’t appear to hear that, either.
“What do you mean ‘what the fuck is she doing in Kosovo’?” Dax replies, just as loud and tauntingly. “You have no say where she goes.”
“Okay,” I intervene, placing my palms on the picnic table and bending to put myself in their line of sight. “I need both of you to shut the fuck up right now. The next man who says the word Kosovo is going to be eating my cast.”
Aaron’s chin jerks inward with surprise, and Dax just blinks stupidly.
Under his breath, Legend mutters, “Damn.”
Dominik cocks an eyebrow that seems to ask, “Did you just fucking threaten your boss with physical violence when you’re already on probation on this team?”
I sigh, cast one last glance at Nora, who laughs at something Raul says, before returning to my teammates. Taking a moment to let my gaze linger on each one, I finally settle on Dominik, since he’s my boss and I need to explain. “Just stop talking about Kosovo so loudly that Nora might hear.”
“Why?” Dominik demands curiously.
“Because she was part of the war there, and she lost family in that conflict,” I reply quietly.
“Oh, shit,” Aaron says, peering over at Nora.
“What happened?” Dax asks.
I wonder if I should say something. Nora never said what happened is a secret, and in fact, it was national news. Still, it’s a confidence she shared with me that, until she says otherwise, has to stay between us.
So I give them only the bare minimum. “Let’s just say what she witnessed happen to her family is horrific, and tomorrow is the twentieth anniversary of it.”
“Jesus,” Dominik whispers, empathy infusing his face.
“It helped you to open up to her, didn’t it?” Aaron asks.
He’s my best friend. Can’t lie to him. “Completely. I owe a lot to her for trusting me with her confidence. Made it a lot easier to talk about my shit, you know?”
“She seems pretty amazing,” Dominik says thoughtfully, his eyes moving over to where she’s sitting. “Got your grumpy ass halfway smiling again.”
All the guys chuckle, accepting the moment of levity because the situation had gotten way too serious.
But then again, the shit that seems to surround me tends to be serious lately. I’m grateful for the moments where I can just laugh with my team right now.
“Well, we got some more work to do,” Aaron says, swinging his legs out from the picnic table and grabbing his empty plate.
Dax and Legend get up as well, ambling off to the garbage cans and grabbing more water bottles from the coolers.
Dominik doesn’t move, though. I wonder if he’s going to call it a day or head out to work with us in the field.
Thoughtfully, he stares off in the distance. I don’t like to think about what calculations he might be making in that brain of his.
Finally, he says, “I’m really glad you landed here with Nora for your counseling.”
“Me too,” I agree, thinking Dr. Dumbfuck would have most likely made things worse for me.
“Have you thought about asking her out?” Dominik asks carefully
.
Startled by the suggestion, I suck in air and actually choke. When a coughing fit ensues, Dominik casually passes over his bottle of water for me to take a sip. I chug it, using the few moments to help clear my thoughts and calm myself down so I don’t call him a dumb fuck once I’m able to breathe again.
He just watches me impassively, waiting for me to say something.
When I do, I try to play it cool. “Excuse me?”
“Ask Nora out?” he repeats.
“Why would I do that?” I ask, offended. “She’s my therapist, for God’s sake.”
Although damn if I don’t find myself drawn to her for so many other reasons than she’s a great listener and gives amazing advice.
A rush of guilt floods me, and I feel as if I just betrayed MJ by having that thought.
Fuck.
“Who cares if she’s your therapist?” Dominik says blandly. “I’m sure you two wouldn’t be the first to break rules like that.”
This is ridiculous. I cock an eyebrow. “You do realize it’s you who required me to seek counseling to stay on this team, and now you’re actually trying to sabotage it, right?”
“No,” he says firmly, shaking his index finger. “I’m not trying to sabotage it at all. Merely trying to point out something I think could be good for you both. You two obviously have a good connection. A bond even.”
I hate him for saying that shit out loud, because the minute he did, he opened the possibility up to me. I don’t know if my head would have ever gone there on its own, but now I can feel it taking root. It doesn’t help I’m enamored of her. Attracted to her physically, too.
But that’s all stuff I’ve kept compartmentalized because I knew the importance of appreciating her as a counselor.
Fuck Dominik, but now he’s making me wonder.
He swings his legs out from the picnic table, tapping his knuckles on it for effect. “Not even going to tell you to think about it, Tacker. Just keep an open mind.”
Lifting my chin in acknowledgment, because he owns the team and I don’t want to be disrespectful, I make it seem like I’ll do just as he asks. However, there’s no fucking way I’m going to think about Nora like that.
No way.
No how.
Dominik leaves, heading in Nora and Raul’s direction. They both stand and shake hands with him when he gets there, which indicates he’s going to be leaving soon. While his words unsettled me just now, I still can’t help but be extremely impressed by his personal interest in this team. Coming out here, bringing Nora that tractor… I hate to admit it because I’m pissed about where he just went with Nora and me, but damn it… he’s a good guy.
Regan walks by, pausing to ask if I need anything. I still haven’t eaten much yet, so I take a seat at the table and a rib in hand, I shake my head. “Just five minutes to eat, and I’ll be ready to get back out there.”
“Okay,” she says, starting to move off.
But then something strikes me. Something I’d been thinking about for a few days but had been struggling with. “Hey, Regan.”
She pivots. “What’s up?”
“I actually need some help baking something tomorrow morning,” I say.
Regan moves a few steps closer, frowning at my statement. “Baking?”
“Yeah… a cake,” I clarify. “And well, I suck at anything involving baking or cooking. I could use some help.”
“I can’t tomorrow,” she says with heavy regret. “I’m pulling a shift at the clinic.”
“Oh, okay,” I say. “No worries.”
She smiles and leaves, heading over to where Dax stands with Aaron and Legend. She wasn’t allowed to work with us today—Dax’s orders—given her hospitalization last week. She’d stayed up here at the barn, helping with food and just chilling with the other wives and girlfriends. Regan’s assimilating into the team family well.
“We’re heading out, Tacker,” I hear Erik say, and I twist to look his way. He’s pushing Billy’s wheelchair, Blue walking behind them. “He’s tired, and we’re going to get him back.”
I knew they wouldn’t stay the entire day, but I’m so appreciative of them coming out for a bit.
Leaning to the side, I reach my hand out to Erik. He leans over to shake mine. “Thanks for coming out, brother.”
“Thanks for inviting us,” Blue says with a smile. “Billy had a wonderful time.”
Billy’s smile is wan. He’s totally whipped. I reach out to him, closing my hand into a fist. “Got a bump for me?”
His smile gets a little bigger. While he can’t extend his arm all the way due to contractures, I’m close enough that our fists are able to touch.
“Fist bump,” I exclaim. Opening my hand, I make an explosion sound. “Blow it up.”
Billy rocks with laughter, grinning broadly now before yawning.
They start to move off, but then another thought hits me. “Hey, Blue.”
She turns to me questioningly.
“You know how to bake?” I ask.
“Um… yeah,” she replies, her head tilting. “What’s up?”
“I really need help tomorrow morning with making something. I’m going to screw it up if I don’t have help, and I can’t afford to screw it up. It’s important.”
“No, no, no,” Erik answers for her, taking three steps toward us while pulling Billy’s wheelchair with him. “You promised tomorrow to me, babe, remember?”
Blue looks torn, because I apparently just intruded on their plans. But fuck it… I really need the help and it’s super important.
So I pull out a card I had not ever considered playing, pinning Erik with my gaze. “You remember when you needed a favor and I came through for you without hesitation?”
Erik’s shoulders slump, and he nods. He’s remembering back when things had gone to hell between him and Blue, and he asked me to go check on Billy for him. I’d been on suspension and hadn’t minded in the slightest, but still… he’d told me he owed me one and I could collect at any time.
“I only need her for maybe an hour, dude,” I tell Erik. “And we can do it early, so it shouldn’t interfere with your plans.”
“I’d love to help you,” Blue says with a reassuring smile, putting her hand on Erik’s shoulder. She squeezes, adding to me, “Six AM okay?”
Fuck, that was early, but yes… that works for me. “Sounds awesome. Thanks.”
“What are we baking?” she asks.
“Shendetlie,” I reply.
“What’s that?”
“No clue, but I’ll figure it out tonight and buy all the stuff. Can we do it at your house? I don’t really have anything to bake with at my place.”
“Sure,” she replies, looking very intrigued.
I hope I’m doing the right thing by trying to make this for Nora. It has meaning for her, but I also know tomorrow will be a rough day for her. I want to do something nice as a means of thanking her for sharing her pain with me, and so she knows she’s got a friend to lean on.
CHAPTER 15
Nora
Starlight navigates the rocky trail with ease, her gait smooth and self-assured. I’d saved her from the meat market two years ago. She’d easily been given up by her owners because she’d been a little wily. Yet, when I brought her to the ranch, she was the sweetest girl ever. I think she somehow knew she’d been saved, so she decided to turn over a new leaf.
She’s proof anyone can find happiness even after the darkest of times.
I guess I am, too.
Today’s the anniversary of the darkest day of my life, yet I’ve never felt more alive or free. Riding Starlight across the ranch I own, where I can give back and help others find their own healing, is a symbol this day is not to be feared.
I can be sad. I can reflect. I can grieve again.
But I can also leave that behind when I’m done to face the brightness that is otherwise my life.
True to form, I started my day with the smell of good cooking. Raul was in my kitchen, w
hipping up huevos rancheros for me. After a great breakfast with strong coffee, we did our morning chores together like we always do. Feed the animals, clean pens and stalls, make sure all troughs are full of water, and exercise any of the horses that weren’t on the rotation for lessons or counseling sessions.
A normal day in most respects. I woke up a year older. I started a new year of life.
But while birthdays are a celebration of life, there was just too much death attached to mine. As such, from my very first birthday after moving to the States with Helen, I had asked that we not actually celebrate it. That was tough on her… being a new mom and all. She wanted things to be perfect for me.
But she also respected the healing I needed to do. Helen knew how raw things were for me, and she’d paid special attention to the difficulties I faced—losing my family, moving to a new country with a virtual stranger, and mastering a new primary language. She reluctantly agreed to ignore my birthday on its actual date that year. The following year, I asked for the same again.
And again.
And so forth and so on until it had become a habit.
By my mid-twenties, I’d been more years without celebrating my birthday than celebrating it, and it was my new normal.
And let’s face it… in Kosovo, we led a poor life. My dad farmed. We didn’t have money for fancy cakes, balloons, or presents. We barely had enough to feed ourselves, so a celebration was Besjana making a favorite cake. It was simple, sweet, and nothing more than was needed.
Regardless, I did celebrate my adoption day with Helen. It became our time together to rejoice in my joining her family. Helen never married. In the time I lived with her, she never even dated anyone. She insisted she was happy raising me alone, and I was happy having her devoted attention. After bringing me to the States, she left her work as a contractor with NATO and went back to utilizing her degrees in psychology by doing family counseling.
I, of course, followed in her footsteps. I had been so moved by what she’d done for me and how she helped others that I couldn’t ever imagine doing anything different.
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