by Lisa Regan
“If not forgiveness, what then?” Josie said.
Charlotte rearranged her dress and sat back down. She took a long sip of water as her eyes traveled the yard. “When a person victimizes you, they make you less. They diminish you.”
“You’re saying I should rise above?” Josie asked.
Charlotte looked back at her, eyes flashing. “No, I’m saying you should become whole again. There’s only one way to do that.”
“How is that?”
“You’ve got to embrace your own darkness. Your impulses. Just the way this woman you’re telling me about did. I bet she embraced her darkest desires every single day.”
Josie nodded. Her fingers gripped her water glass, knuckles turning white. She wanted so badly to drink, but couldn’t risk it.
Charlotte went on. “She knew her dark side and she lived it fearlessly, recklessly even. That gave her power. Power over you, and I imagine power over many people.”
“You want me to become an evil bitch?”
Charlotte laughed again. “I do like you, Detective. I like you very much. No. You shouldn’t just become an evil bitch. That’s not fully becoming. That’s only living in the shadow of one side of yourself. A half of the whole. You have to be able to access both. I believe you’ve long had access to the light inside you. You fight for people, to protect people, to help them. I see that in you. What I don’t see is your ability to tap into your own darkness and wield it. The abuse you received at this woman’s hands, it went on for a very long time, didn’t it?”
Josie nodded.
“Chronic victims can only become whole again, powerful in their own right, if they are able to tap into their dark side. Tell me, if there were no rules in the world, what would you do to this woman?”
Josie had had her entire life to fantasize about what she would do to Lila if only given a chance. If she had a free pass. No consequences. The answer seemed so obvious: torture her in the same way she had been tortured as a child, or kill her. What else was there? But those were hollow choices, weren’t they? Josie had seen enough death and despair in her career. If she could hurt Lila Jensen, would that give her back what Lila had stolen? Logically, Josie knew it wouldn’t. Life just didn’t work that way. The one and only thing that had given her any peace over the last year and a half while Lila rotted in prison was knowing that she couldn’t hurt anyone else.
So why were these calls from Muncy prison bothering her so much? Why were the nightmares so frequent and intense?
Charlotte said, “Close your eyes. I want you to imagine something. Go ahead.”
Josie didn’t want to close her eyes. The soup and bread had already made her full and drowsy. She didn’t want to risk falling asleep at the table. But Charlotte was right across from her, she reasoned. Surely, Jack wouldn’t try anything under Charlotte’s watchful eyes. Reluctantly, Josie put her hands in her lap and closed her eyes, feeling the gentle summer breeze on her arms and face.
Charlotte’s tone was soft. “You’re with this woman. She’s lying in bed, dying. You’re alone with her. Maybe she is still lucid. Maybe she’s so close to death that she’s out of it. Regardless, you sit down next to her. You look at her face and you feel all the horrors she inflicted on you. You feel weak and victimized all over again. But you don’t have to feel that way. Not ever again. You’ve got the power inside you if you’ll just take it. All you have to do is reach for her, wrap your hands around her throat, and squeeze. Feel her panic set in as she realizes what you’re doing. Her eyes bulge open and you see the fear, the terror in her eyes. The same feelings she’s always inflicted on you, except now you’re on the other side.”
Josie’s fingertips dug into her thighs, making the vision of Lila that Charlotte had created disappear, replaced with an image of Renee Kelly on the mortuary table. Through gritted teeth, she said, “Is that what you do at the Sanctuary? You hurt each other? You abuse one another—even kill one another—so you can feel powerful?” Josie opened her eyes to see that the fire in Charlotte’s eyes still burned bright.
“Of course not. We help one another.”
“By hurting one another?”
“If that’s what’s necessary.”
“I don’t understand.”
Charlotte shifted in her seat. “Our members—once they’ve made the commitment—make pacts with one another. These pacts allow them to fully bring out other members’ power, and get in touch with their dark sides.”
“I don’t understand how that makes someone whole,” Josie struggled. She thought she’d feel better after eating, but her mind was clouding over. Her body wanted desperately to sleep.
Charlotte said, “You can’t have light without dark.”
Josie fumbled to follow her logic. “You find the darkness in each other.”
“We help people to bring out their darkness so it can sit next to the light and take up an equal amount of being. I know it’s difficult to grasp, but at the Sanctuary we rid ourselves of the norms and expectations of society. That’s the first step. You can’t think through the filter you’ve used your entire life. Take Jack for example. All of his life he was horribly abused by multiple people—usually his mother’s boyfriends. Yet he was a good man, he held fast to the light inside himself and tried to do what he believed was right in his life. But he was horribly depressed and incomplete. Almost to the point of being suicidal. He came to me like this. I helped him access that other side of himself and in doing so, he became a more complete person.”
Some part of her brain wanted to point out to Charlotte that all she had really done was create a killer, but she was still struggling to understand the framework Charlotte was trying to lay before her—the guiding principles of the Sanctuary. Instead, she asked, “What does that entail exactly? Helping a person access the other side of themselves?”
“Well, for every member it’s different.”
“What was it for Jack?”
“For each member, including Jack, it’s a personal decision. Though some of our other members were willing to help him with it.”
“Like Renee? Had she even made the commitment? She wasn’t branded.”
“She passed out each time we tried to do the branding ceremony. You have to be awake for it—fully aware of what you’re receiving. But she was committed. She would have gotten there eventually.”
“Jack hurt her, didn’t he? Her and the ‘other members’ you’re talking about, didn’t he?”
“It’s not hurting them if they consent.”
“Hurt is hurt, Charlotte. Murder is murder. What you’re alluding to sounds like a crime.”
Charlotte looked away for a moment, her face flushing. “He wasn’t supposed to kill anyone.”
“But he did.”
“You’re thinking too much like a police officer, Detective.”
“That’s who I am, Charlotte. Who were the others? What happened to them?”
Charlotte met her eyes again. “They’re all alive, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Where are they? Are they still at the Sanctuary? Did you tell them to lie to us? Did you coach them?”
Charlotte sighed. Her fingers smoothed the cloth napkin beside her bowl of soup. “There was one member who tried to help him, but he was—he couldn’t—he hadn’t yet tapped into his impulses. She left over a year ago.”
“Who else?” Josie pressed. She looked again at the water, wanting so badly to pour the entire glass down her throat. Or even better, an entire cup of coffee. She missed coffee.
“She’s gone,” Charlotte said. “No one knows where she went.”
“How do I know these women are still alive?”
“You’ve met one of them.”
Josie’s addled brain worked for several seconds to put the pieces together. Finally, she said, “Maya Bestler? She joined the Sanctuary?”
“She didn’t join,” Charlotte said quietly. “It was a mistake.”
Josie heard Jack take two steps toward the
door, but he didn’t emerge right away. The fatigue that had threatened to overtake her minutes earlier was gone.
“What happened?”
Charlotte wouldn’t look at her now. “I didn’t know about her. Not at first. I only found out after. You see, Jack had long been nursing fantasies of kidnapping a woman, tying her up and… doing things to her. These were his dark impulses. Evidently, he wasn’t satisfied letting other members fulfill his fantasy. He brought Maya onto the property without my knowledge. Once I found out, I made him release her. She promised she wouldn’t tell what had happened.”
“You believed her?”
Charlotte shifted again in her seat. “She was so afraid of Jack, that yes, I believed she wouldn’t tell. I had Jack take her off the property and release her.”
“Where? Where did he release her?” Josie asked.
“Honestly, I don’t know. He set off one day into the woods with her and then came back without her. I didn’t ask questions. The police never came.”
Had Jack delivered her to the hermit or had the hermit found her wandering through the woods and taken her? Why hadn’t Maya just told them what really had happened? Was she really that terrified of Jack?
Of course she was. Hadn’t Josie herself just spent hours—possibly days—staying awake to protect herself from him? How long had she been in this place? One day? Two?
“What did you say, dear?” Charlotte asked. She leaned forward and peered into Josie’s face, her brow furrowed in confusion. “Are you… counting?”
Had she talked aloud? Josie shook her head, trying to concentrate.
Was Jack the reason Maya had run away? Not because she didn’t want to be a mother but because she was afraid he would come for her? He had obviously perfected his stalking skills. His efforts with Shana at Lantz Snack Factory had taught him a valuable lesson. Josie could attest to that.
Josie looked at her lap. Her mind worked to focus once more on the conversation. Becoming. Wholeness. Light and dark. Getting in touch with your darkest impulses. Chronic victims becoming whole again, grasping power. “You said ‘becoming’ is different for everyone. You believe I need to kill the woman who hurt me to get there?”
“I told you, dear, I don’t condone violence. But I can help you with your struggle. I can help you become.”
Fifty-Two
“How?” Josie asked. “How do I become?”
Charlotte beamed at Josie. “It doesn’t happen overnight,” she said. “It’s a process. It takes time.”
Josie thought about all the calls from the prison. “I don’t have time,” she said. “This woman I’ve told you about—she could be dead already. I have to go back.”
“Nonsense, dear. I’ll help you. I’ll make the pact with you. You can act out your impulses on me.”
Josie stared at her, disbelieving. “You want me to… you want me to kill you?”
Charlotte laughed, the light, musical laugh this time. “Of course not. Jack will help us. I believe he owes you some redress for bringing you here before you were ready.”
Josie’s body lunged forward. She clasped a hand over one of Charlotte’s forearms. “I don’t want to work with Jack. Only you.”
Charlotte looked at Josie’s fingers digging into her skin. “I won’t let him hurt you. You have my word.”
Josie almost pointed out that Charlotte’s word was meaningless, but she didn’t have it in her to get on the conversational merry-go-round with the woman again. Instead, she pulled her hand away and asked, “How? How will Jack help us?”
Charlotte leaned back in her seat and picked up a piece of bread, nibbling on it. “He’ll make sure you don’t kill me. You may choke me into unconsciousness, but you may not kill me.”
Josie thought of the visualization Charlotte had just done with her. “You think that this will help me with my conflicted feelings over her death?”
“You’d be surprised how much tapping into the darkness helps. Trust me, you’ll feel liberated.”
“But you’re not her,” Josie said.
Charlotte stood up and extended a hand toward Josie. “Walk with me, dear.”
Slowly, Josie stood. She refused to take Charlotte’s hand but followed her off the porch and around the house. From the outside, Josie saw that it was a small two-story home. It had probably been used as a hunting cabin at some point. Its siding was faded blue wood, paint peeling in many places. Even the window frames sagged like tired eyes. At the rear of the house were two windows set against the ground, which meant there was a basement. The glass was dirty and the view into the house was blocked by what looked like cardboard on the other side. Josie wondered if that was where they were keeping Emilia. Obviously, they weren’t keeping her at the Sanctuary. That explained why the K-9 Unit’s Rini had lost her scent at the road just outside the Sanctuary property. If Jack had taken her, and Charlotte had allowed him, they would have moved her right away, brought her here. Josie kicked herself for not checking the property records in both Lenore and the surrounding counties. Then again, Gretchen’s background check on Charlotte would have turned up any other properties that she owned anywhere in the entire country. So why hadn’t it turned this up?
Charlotte had stopped walking, looking back at Josie with a puzzled expression. “Are you alright, dear?”
“Oh yes,” Josie said quickly. “I’m just enjoying the outdoors. It feels like forever since I was outside.”
Charlotte’s smile returned. “Being outdoors is restorative, isn’t it?”
Josie nodded and Charlotte walked on. She waited until the woman was a few steps ahead of her and then her eyes studied the surroundings for any clue as to Emilia’s presence, and any avenue of escape. But there seemed to be none. There wasn’t even a driveway or any vehicle nearby. Josie theorized that the driveway or vehicle entrance to the place must be somewhere on the other side of the trees, but in which direction, she couldn’t tell.
Charlotte led her to a flat rock beneath a large weeping willow tree. “Sit down,” Charlotte instructed. The tree’s branches fell almost to the ground, shielding them from the sun or a view of the house. The rock next to its trunk looked as though it had been dragged there. It was a natural bench. As Josie walked up to it, she saw a break in the branches on the other side of the tree, and beyond that, a faint trail leading away, into the woods.
She could barely contain her excitement as she dutifully sat on the rock. When Charlotte told her to close her eyes, she felt relief. She didn’t want the woman to see the elation in her face at having found a potential way out. She tried to relax her posture as Charlotte talked about reaching into the darkness. Charlotte wanted to take her back to many of the incidents of abuse at Lila’s hands, but Josie didn’t want to go there. She had spent her entire life fighting to get out from beneath the specter of those awful hours.
“Please don’t,” Josie said.
She felt Charlotte’s hands in hers. “Fine then, dear. We don’t have to go backward. We’ll go forward instead. She pulled Josie’s hands from her lap and wrapped them around her own throat. Josie’s eyes snapped open. She tried to pull her hands away, but Charlotte held them fast around her paper-thin skin. Josie wasn’t applying pressure, so she was able to speak easily.
“You’re in control now. You have the power. Tell me what you would say to her. Imagine her face. Imagine making her pay for all the things she’s done to you, all the ways she’s made you suffer. The ways she still makes you suffer even though the damage was done long ago.”
Josie tried to pull her fingers loose again, but Charlotte tightened her grip. “Don’t fight it. What did she do to you, Josie? What did she do? She gave you that scar on your face, didn’t she? She cut your skin. She tried to kill you.”
Josie squeezed her eyes closed as the memories came rushing back at her. The gleam of the knife. The pool of blood in the kitchen where she dropped her stuffed dog, Wolfie. The feel of Lila’s fingers bruising her chin. The stitches. The fear. The rage. The
sense of betrayal that had lasted her entire life right up to this moment.
Charlotte said, “What is it she said to you? ‘Not one word.’”
Josie’s mind went completely blank. Charlotte disappeared. There was nothing in front of her. Nothing existed. Not light or dark or anything at all. Then the world crashed back in around her. Charlotte was pulling Josie’s fingers away from her throat, gasping and coughing. Josie pushed her away and stood up from the bench, backing away.
Charlotte bent at the waist, hacking. She held up a hand in Josie’s direction. When she could speak, she sputtered, “It’s okay, dear. It’s okay. I’m fine.”
Josie’s entire body shook. “I want to go back inside,” she said.
Once Charlotte regained control of her breathing, she stood up straight. “Of course, dear. You’ve done so well. This is truly a breakthrough. Come, you can rest.”
On trembling legs, Josie followed Charlotte back to the house. As they walked, a flicker of movement near the base of the house caught Josie’s eye. It came from one of the basement windows. Josie looked at Charlotte’s back. She didn’t turn around.
One corner of the cardboard peeled back just a fraction.
Josie swore she saw a finger digging at the corner, trying to pull it away from the glass.
Her heart pounded like a jackhammer. Still, Charlotte didn’t turn around. Josie slowed her pace.
Two fingers, then three, appeared in the corner of the window. Long, delicate fingers. A small diamond sparkled on one of them. Emilia. Josie almost gasped.
“We’ll try again tomorrow,” Charlotte said over her shoulder.