But then, he recognized me and his whole face changed. His body became more rigid and his eyes hardened. I try to shake the thought out of my head, to think about something else, but all I can see is the way his blue eyes changed from being fiery and alive to being undeniably cold. He looked at me with such disgust then, and barely said two words to me.
They say time heals all wounds but I don’t think it’s healed this one. Who could blame him? If the Langleys hadn’t come to save me that day they would still be alive.
At least I only have to see him once a month. And maybe I can even request to switch shifts with someone else on that day. We don’t ever have to see each other again. It’s the best way. Even if the sight of him makes my knees weak and my core burn hotter, I need to keep my priorities in mind. Sending Jess to college, making a better life for her and me and making sure I keep this job and focus on my career. I can’t get distracted by the past rearing its ugly head.
I know he blames my family for the tragedy. Hell, I blame my family for it. I just wish he didn’t put me in the same category as them. When Hannah died it was like I lost my own sister, and it felt like it was all my fault. Sometimes I still think it is. If I’d have just toughed it out at home, if I hadn’t asked Hannah to come get me, if we’d waited until my mother wasn’t home, if I’d taken our car keys off the hook, if, if, if…
I take another sip of wine. I can’t have all these memories come up every time Dave comes to see his grandfather. I’ll take the first Thursday of the month off, switch shifts with someone, and just focus on giving Arthur the best care possible. I’ll put Dave out of my head once and for all.
Just as I make the decision and pick up my wine glass, I hear an all-too-familiar voice behind me. It’s a deep growl with a hint of an edge and it sends a thrill down my spine. I can smell a faint scent of spice and pine as he walks up beside me.
“I don’t see you in ten years, and now I see you twice in the same day.”
He’s staring at me, his hard blue eyes boring into mine. I put my glass down and square my shoulders to stare back at him. Is he following me? Is this some sort of joke?
“Hi, Dave. I didn’t know you came here,” I say, nodding to the bar. My heart is pounding against my ribcage as he moves closer, his smell filling my nostrils as I try not to stare at him. His muscular arm reaches forward and pulls out the stool next to mine. I can feel the hairs on my arm stand up as his body moves closer to mine.
“This used to be my local joint, before I moved to Manhattan,” he explains as he takes a seat. “I was on the way home and I felt like I needed a drink.”
I chuckle dryly. “At least we have that in common.”
7
Dave
Of all the dingy dive bars, in all the boroughs of New York, she walks into mine. All right, well I guess I walked into hers, technically, but come on! Can’t a guy catch a break?
I could have walked out when I saw her, sitting with her back to the door. I could have turned around and gotten back in my car and driven off.
I could have, but I didn’t.
Or rather, I didn’t want to. My feet led me to the seat right beside hers and now I’m trying not to stare at the curve of her breasts under her shirt, or the way she’s taken her hair down so it frames her face in messy loose waves. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears for some reason and my mouth has gone dry. I take a deep breath.
“So, you’re working for my grandfather. He seems to like you.” I know my voice sounds hard. I can’t help it — every time I think of my father, my sister, my mother, every time I think of the accident it makes my whole body go rigid. And how can I separate Izzy from that? She was there. Of all the people, she was the one to survive the crash. And her mother —
No. I can’t go down that rabbit hole, not right now, not with her beside me and knowing I’m going to be seeing her at my grandfather’s house for the next month. Right now I need to put on a mask of professionalism and just deal with this. Pop likes her, she’s doing a good job, and I have more pressing issues to deal with than my grandfather’s nurse.
“Arthur is great,” she says. The tone of her voice and its familiarity surprises me. “He’s probably one of the easiest patients I’ve ever had. Never complains, even when I’m poking him with needles and making him take pills that are bigger than horse tranquilizers.” She laughs and I watch the way the corners of her eyes scrunch up a little bit. Her laugh sounds like music and I can’t help but feel my lips want to twitch upwards.
“He’s a pretty special old man,” I reply, feeling the tightness in my chest that I felt earlier when I was with him. “It’s hard to see him like this.”
I’m surprising myself, talking like that, to her. Of all the people for me to be vulnerable with, Izzy Daniels is not the one I would expect. I straighten myself up and look forward. I shouldn’t be talking to her at all, let alone telling her how I feel. She’s at the center of why he’s all I’ve got left. She’s at the center of why when he goes, I’ll be all alone. I can never forgive her or her family for that.
I almost jump when I feel her hand on my arm. It’s warm and soft and it feels like it’s setting my skin on fire. My eyes dart up to hers and I see a deep sadness in her eyes. She opens her mouth like she’s about to speak but nothing comes out. I look at her lips, how soft they look and then back at her eyes. It’s like she can feel the pain inside me, like she can sense what I’m feeling and knows what I’m thinking.
My forearm is burning. It feels like all the blood in my body is trying to get to that little patch of skin, to be closer to her soft hand.
I jerk my forearm away. “I got to go,” I say, looking down at the bar. Before I know what I’m doing I’m getting up and marching out the door. The minute I sink into the driver’s seat of my car I let out a sigh. I feel like I just ran a marathon. My heart is pounding and my breath is ragged.
Her hand, her touch, her smell. It feels like I’ve been drugged. I wait a few moments for my pulse to settle down. I look in the rear-view mirror at the entrance to the bar, and then look away. What am I expecting? That she’ll run out after me? I don’t want her to run out after me — I don’t want her in my life at all.
I put the key in the ignition and pull away. I need to go to my apartment and take a long, hot shower to clear my thoughts. Maybe moving in with Pop isn’t such a great idea after all.
My car glides down the dark streets and I pull into my building’s underground parking garage. My spot is in the back corner, so I pull in and make my way to the elevators. I’m on autopilot. Before I know it, I’m stepping into my Manhattan loft and locking the door behind me. It’s exactly as I left it, but it feels different. It feels cold. I shiver and head to the bathroom.
The hot water jets out of the shower head and I undress as the water heats up before jumping in. I’ve always loved taking extra-hot showers, letting the almost burning water wash me clean. I scrub myself and then rinse my hair, taking a moment to stand under the hot water. I open my mouth and let it fill with water before spitting it back out.
I rub my face and sigh.
What am I going to do? I can’t be around her, but I can’t let my grandfather stay in that house alone during his final days. He’s dying, he knows it, and he’s not afraid to say it. Izzy knows it too. I could tell by the way she looked at me at the bar. I need to be with him, and he wants her to be the one to take care of him.
I don’t blame him. She’s soft and caring. I could see that today, even when I was doing my best to hate her. She seemed professional and well-prepared but always gentle with him. I can’t stand when nurses order him around or are rough with him — it’s why I’ve already fired two of them.
But Izzy wasn’t like that at all. She was kind, and I can tell he likes her. I don’t blame him — it’s easy to like her, even when you’re trying not to.
So she has to be there, and I have to be there. Pop needs us both and I’m going to have to set aside my personal feelings and dea
l with this. She doesn’t matter — Pop should be the priority right now.
That, and finding a wife. I don’t even have the energy to start thinking about that right now.
I reach for the tap and turn the water off before grabbing a towel and drying myself off. I walk over to my bed and collapse onto my back, letting my body sink down into the soft down comforter.
My fingers brush the part of my arm that Izzy touched when I was sitting beside her. It’s like I can still feel her fingers on my arm. I bring my hand down to my cock. Izzy’s laugh is echoing in my head, and I’m picturing the way her shoulders shook and her breasts strained against the thin fabric containing them. Even in a dingy Queens dive bar she looked like a million bucks.
My cock jumps up toward my hand, already hard as I think about the way her body moved beside me today. I think of the way her hand burned an imprint on my forearm and made my whole body buzz with excitement.
It’s wrong, I shouldn’t do this but I can’t help it. My cock is rock hard in my hand and I picture her lips, her eyes, her tits, her legs. I want every inch of her wrapped around me. I want to feel that electricity of her touch on me, and feel those pink lips wrapped around my hard shaft.
I come almost as soon as the image of her lips around my cock appears in my head. I’m panting hard. I don’t remember the last time I had such an intense orgasm from jerking myself off. I come back to my senses and groan. I’m going to need another shower.
I shouldn’t have done that. Not thinking about her. Not Izzy Daniels.
I shouldn’t have done that, but damn, it felt good.
8
Izzy
“Jess! Let’s go, grab your backpack, it’s time for school.”
“Coming!”
She appears out of the bedroom and comes running up the hallway of our small apartment. I hold out her lunchbox as she makes her way to me. It feels light in my hand, and I know it’s not enough food for an active, growing kid.
“Here,” I say as she grabs it. She opens up a corner and looks inside.
“PB&J today?”
“I’m sorry kiddo, it’ll be PB&J for a few days until I get paid.”
Jess smiles. “I love PB&J.” She frowns and looks at me. “But Iz, where’s yours?”
“I’ll eat at work. They have lots of food there.”
Izzy frowns. She holds her lunchbox back over to me. “No, you should have this. You need to eat if you’re working on your feet all day.”
My heart feels like it’s breaking in half. How could such a young kid be so generous and kind? Even after coming from parents like ours she still surprises me. I have no idea where this selflessness came from. I push the lunchbox back toward her.
“Don’t worry about me, Jess, I’ve got lots of food at work.” Sort of.
She frowns and stares up at me, and then nods.
“Okay.”
The two of us head out the door and I walk with her to her school. It’s only a couple blocks away, but I still like walking with her. It’s the only time we really have together these days, ever since I took the Langley job. The hours are longer but the pay is better, so I suck it up and make sure we have this walk together every day. If I do well at this placement, I can ask for a raise and at least I’ll be able to provide for her a little bit better.
“Iz, look!” Jess’s arm is extended and she’s pointing to a poster on the side of a telephone pole. She’s jumping up in excitement as she points at the colorful poster. Cirque du Soleil is in town. “Can we go?”
“I’m not sure we can afford it right now, Jess.”
The disappointment on Jess’s face makes my heart break for the second time this morning. I take a breath.
“I’ll check out tickets and see how much they are, okay?”
“Okay, but it’s okay if we can’t, I understand.” You shouldn’t have to understand. I want to tell her, but the words catch in my throat. I wish I could give her the world. She’s practically obsessed with gymnastics and a world-class circus performance would put such a smile on her face. I wouldn’t mind a bit of a distraction as well, if I’m honest.
I don’t have to look up tickets to know they will be well out of our budget. Our “budget” includes only things required for basic survival right now.
We get to the school gates and Jess turns to me, wrapping her arms around my waist in a big bear hug.
“You’re the best sister in the world, Iz. See you tonight!”
“Yep, see you tonight, kiddo. Be good!” I call out after her as she runs toward the steps. My smile fades as I watch her. I don’t feel like the best sister in the world. I feel like a massive failure.
She’s already waving at a group of friends and laughing. I watch her for a few moments as she laughs and jumps with her friends. I wish I had her carefree attitude and easiness with other people. She’s always been that way, ever since she was little. People just like her right away.
I can’t believe this, but I’m actually jealous of my eleven-year-old sister. I’m her complete opposite, always shy and introverted, always had trouble making friends. I sigh as I turn the corner toward our little apartment. If I’m honest with myself, I haven’t had any true friendships, not since Hannah Langley. When she died, I lost a part of myself and I closed myself off. She was my best friend, just like a sister to me. She almost became a real sister to me, if only her parents had gotten me out of there like they’d planned.
I still think about her, about the way she would laugh and drag me along on all her crazy adventures. When she died it’s like the brightness in my life got turned down, like all the colors suddenly became more faded.
It’s ten years on now, and in some twist of fate I’m taking care of her grandfather in his final days. Maybe it’s some kind of weird karma, or some way for me to make amends for the past. I don’t know. All I know is I’m glad Dave Langley won’t be there today, and I can just keep myself busy doing what I do best and take care of Arthur.
Maybe he’ll have another story about his youth to tell me today. I’ll ask him about his wife again, anything to keep my mind off Hannah and Dave Langley, off my money issues and off my thousand and one worries about taking care of Jess.
I’ll just get back to my regular routine, keep my head down and make it through these next few months until I can ask for a raise and breathe a bit easier.
9
Dave
I pop the trunk and unload my bag. It feels strange to be moving back here. I grab the handle and start dragging my bag to the front door. I’ll stay in my old room. I know Pop has kept it just how it was when I lived here.
I told the clinic I’m taking some personal time off to be with my grandfather and no one complained.
My heart is beating faster than normal when I get to the front door. I wonder if Izzy will be here. Whenever I think of her, I get filled with anger — almost rage — as I remember what happened. But then my anger turns to something else. I think about last night in my bed and I feel my cock twitch against my pants. She’s going to be here with me, and I’m going to have to face her knowing that I had the best orgasm I’ve had in a long time while thinking about her.
I turn the handle and call out into the house.
“Hello?”
Footsteps patter down the hallway toward me. The breath catches in my throat as Izzy rounds the corner. She’s wearing her uniform, and her hair is in the same low bun it was in last time. Her eyes are shining bright and they widen with surprise as she sees me.
“Dave! I… Hi. What... what can I do for you?”
She glances from me to my suitcase and I see the confusion and then realization draw itself on her face.
“I thought Pop — uh, Arthur — would have told you.”
Her lips stretch into a thin smile, her eyes asking me an unsaid question.
“Looks like he’s not fond of telling us what’s going on,” I say with a roll of my eyes. She smiles a bit easier with the confusion still apparent on her face
. “I’m going to stay here for a few weeks to spend some time with him.”
Her mouth drops open and I can see a torrent of emotions pass across her face. She always was easy to read.
‘I... that’s… that’s great, Dave. Really great.” Her face settles on a smile and her shoulders relax downwards. I realize I’ve been clenching my fists and I let them relax as she smiles at me. I can still feel my cock, pressed against the fabric of my pants as Izzy moves closer to me. "He’ll love that, there’s only so much company I can give him.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I pause. “I hadn’t realized how sick he was. I don’t want to regret not being here for him.”
“That’s really great of you, Dave. Really great.” She smiles again and my cock twitches. I shift my weight and turn to my bag, picking it up off the hardwood floor.
“Do you need any help? With your bags or finding your room?” She stops herself and blushes. She giggles and I feel a strange sensation pass through my chest. “I guess you probably know your way around better than I do.”
“Probably, yeah.” I can’t help but grin. She smiles tentatively at me and suddenly I realize who she is again and my smile fades.
I can’t get familiar with her. She’s Izzy Daniels. She is the one person in this world that I can’t stand, that fills my veins with white hot anger and betrayal. Or, she used to anyway, before I saw her standing right in front of me. I brush past her. “Where is he anyway?”
Doctor's Orders (Complete Series) Page 38