by Amelia Wilde
Fear flashes into Rick’s eyes. Then he’s out of time.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Haley
The heater in my brother’s car is broken. It blows winter air into my face. I’ve never cared less that this car can’t protect me from the snow. All I care about is that it gets me back to Leo.
I’m nothing but heartbeat and panic. No skin, no bones. Just a thundering muscle howling his name.
Thank God for this car. Thank God for my brother, who brought it to the hospital so I’d have a way to get home. I’ll never be the kind of Constantine who has a new car and a uniformed driver. I will never, ever be that kind of Constantine. But the life I had was enough. It got me to Leo, and it’ll get me to him again.
Please. Let me get to him in time.
I didn’t expect to see Eva’s name on my caller ID. I didn’t expect her to sound breathless with fear when I answered the phone. She’s the capable older sister, like Petra. She’s the one who knows what to do.
“I’m trying to get there.” Her voice shook so badly it was hard to understand her. “I’m not going to get there in time. You have to stop him.”
I left my dad sleeping in his hospital bed and went into the hall. “Eva, who? Where?”
“Leo.” The story tumbled out of her in a frantic rush I only half understood. The police. Constantines pressing charges. A raid on his house. “Caroline sent Rick to his house. He’s going to kill him.”
I dug Cash’s keys from my purse and ran for the car. No coat. Just the jangling keys and Eva’s voice in my ear. “I’ll talk Rick out of it. He’ll listen to me.”
“No. No. Leo will murder Rick. He’s already made up his mind, and I can’t get there. You’re the only one. Haley, you have to stop him.”
My hands are freezing. Teeth chattering. There’s no heat. But I wouldn’t warm up even with it on full blast.
I know why Eva’s so afraid. I know what it means if Leo takes the bait and kills Rick. It means prison, and more than that, it’s proof the rumors about him are true. Caroline will get to hide behind her flawless image forever, and Leo will go down in history as a monster. It won’t matter that Caroline kidnapped me, or that she ordered Rick to rape me, or that she tried to force me into a marriage I never wanted.
It doesn’t matter that Leo sent me away. It doesn’t matter that he said we were finished. I love him too much to let this happen to him.
I just have to get there in time.
The car door sticks when I arrive at Leo’s gate and I have to force it open to punch the code in. He hasn’t changed it. The big gates slide open. No guards wait on the other side. My stomach sinks. Please, let this not mean I’m too late.
I take the rest of the driveway too fast and stop at the bottom of the wide steps leading up to his door. Leo’s castle rises into the night, the windows glowing softly, like everyone is about to go to sleep. A gust of wind cuts through my clothes and my hair as I wrench the front door open. It swings shut behind me and I hold my breath, my lungs screaming. I need to hear if he’s dying. I need to hear if he’s alive.
Empty foyer. Empty hallway. And the sound of a fist connecting with flesh.
I don’t know whose fist it is. I don’t know whose flesh is being beaten.
Are all nightmares like this? Do they all repeat over and over until you can hardly see anything else? I’ve been here before. Hurrying to get to Leo. Not knowing if he was alive or dead. History repeating itself, only it hasn’t been long enough to become history. I don’t want this to be my life. I don’t want this to be Leo’s life. We can make a new one. I’ll make it apart from him, if that’s what he needs, but not this. Not this.
The lights in his office are off. A fire burns in the grate, casting everything in orange and gold.
Casting Leo in orange and gold. All the dark lines of him. All the hard planes. All his terrible beauty.
He drags Rick up off the floor, but Rick is fighting him. Rick came here with a purpose, and I see now what it is. He came here to fight Leo and kill him.
He came to kill Leo and he found the beast.
There’s no shimmer in the air, only the sharp tang of violence. He’s a dead man. If there’s one thing I know about Leo, it’s that he keeps his word.
Rick shoves at him, and Leo laughs.
He laughs.
And I know.
I know how much it hurt him to send me away. I know how dead he feels inside, how agonized.
I know that in a few moments at most, it will be too late.
Leo gets both hands around Rick’s throat, and I take a deep breath. I feel that shimmer. That sense that his moment carries weight. Only it’s settled on my shoulders. I’m supposed to be here. I’m meant to be here. And it’s because of Leo.
I had foolish, childish ideas of what sacrifice means. I thought it was a transaction. My body for my family’s freedom, and nothing else. I thought I could trade that to Leo without coming to know him. Without letting it change me. But I was wrong.
It’s not a real sacrifice if it doesn’t involve your soul.
Leo has given up so much of his for the people he loves.
Neither man turns as I enter the room. They’re too busy fighting. Rick is railing against Leo’s hands, throwing his body around, putting them both off-balance. He doesn’t see that Leo is only waiting for the perfect moment to kill him. He doesn’t see how much stronger Leo is. How much harder. How much he’s already lost.
Leo backs Rick up against the desk and punches him in the face. “Fuck you,” spits Rick. “Fuck you. I’m going to kill you.”
“I’m getting impatient.” Leo’s hand goes down to the desk in a simple, graceful movement, and firelight flashes in the blade of a knife.
“No.” I run the last few steps, run right into this moment, and reach for him. “Leo. Stop.”
He takes in a breath. I don’t let go. Now that I’m touching him, I can feel the fury singing under his skin. I can feel his bloodlust. Determination draws his muscles tight. He’s decided to do this. He’s given himself over to it. It must feel peaceful, in a way, giving in to his need. Leo’s held himself back for so long. In so many ways. He sacrificed the person he is to be the person who could keep his family safe. He gave up any hope of being understood. Of being loved. And he’s done. I know he’s done.
Leo has one hand so tight around Rick’s throat that he’s beginning to crush his windpipe. Rick tries to pull his hand away, but Leo is too focused. He’s always been so focused. He’s always seen everything about me, even the things I refused to see myself. The whites of Rick’s eyes are huge. Terrified. A part of me wants to let Leo kill him for what he tried to do to me, but I can’t. It would only cause Leo more pain. It would teach Caroline nothing. It would be for nothing.
The knife is an inch from Rick’s throat.
“I can’t,” Leo says, his voice rough with agony. “I can’t stop. He hurt you.”
“Yes, he did. He scared me. He made me feel dirty and helpless and afraid. And he would have done more, if you hadn’t saved me. But killing him won’t fix anything.”
“If I end him now, he’ll never touch you again.”
I thought a heart could only break so many times, but mine does it again. It comes apart like rose petals in a storm.
Leo is trying to give me what he could never give himself.
He could never bring himself to kill Caroline, because it meant putting his family in danger. He’s willing to give up his own life, his own freedom, for me. So that I won’t have to suffer the way he did. The way he still does.
“He means nothing to me.” Leo’s arm tenses under my hands. “You made me feel clean again, Leo. You made me feel safe. And if you kill him, I’ll never have that again. I’ll never have you. And I need you.”
Rick wheezes. He’s past the power of speech.
I run my hand over Leo’s. Over the one gripping the knife. I use the softest possible touch. I do it the way I would touch his scars. The way
I would touch any part of him that had been hurt. “I need you,” I tell him again. “Come back.”
“I can’t. It’s so fucking hard. I want—I want—” His grip tightens around Rick’s throat.
“I want you. All I want is you. All I’ve ever wanted is you. This man is nothing. Don’t leave me for nothing. Please.”
The knife grazes Rick’s neck.
“I know it’s hard, Leo. I know it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done.”
“Weak,” he forces through gritted teeth. “I should have done this a long time ago.”
“You didn’t do it because you are so strong. You’re the strongest, bravest man I’ve ever known. And you’re mine. You can come back. It’s okay. Put down the knife.” I reach up and stroke his cheek. “Let go.”
“Fuck, darling,” Leo whispers. The knife drops. In one movement, Leo shoves Rick away and takes me in his arms. His arms are tight around my body, tighter than they’ve ever been, and he breathes me in like I’m all the air he’ll ever need. “You’re so soft,” he says. “You’re so fucking soft.”
Soft. The best thing I could be for him. He’s had to claw scraps of softness from the world so he could tolerate living. I can be that for him. I am that for him.
I take his hand. “Let’s go.” I don’t have a plan for where we’ll go, I just know we need to get out of here. Out of this room.
“Wait,” Leo says, but I’m already turning. Already creating space between the two of us.
Rick is a white streak in the corner of my vision, a hand coming up high. Coming back down. He’s aiming for Leo. Whatever he’s doing, he’s aiming for Leo with a wild, half-crushed growl.
Both of us move at the last second. I don’t know who’s pushing, who’s pulling. No more. Don’t touch him.
An impact at the side of my head rattles my teeth. The floor wheels up and something hits my head again. Something sharp, like the corner of a desk. It pushes through my skull, through the spot that’s already aching, oh, that hurts so much. Too much. I can’t see the firelight anymore. I land in someone’s arms, softly, softly.
“Oh, fuck.” Rick. “Oh, shit. Oh—”
His voice cuts out. There’s only silence left. And then there’s nothing at all.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Leo
Haley is so soft in my arms. So small.
So still.
Rick stunned her with the fucking paperweight. A glass flower in his hand, hurtling toward my skull. And then, somehow, Haley’s. For that split second he looked like a Morelli. Men like Rick Joseph Jr. don’t know violence. They only know the idea of it. The illusion. The reality is always different. In this reality Haley didn’t drop straight down. She lost her balance and her head hit the corner of my desk. Two blows to one delicate temple.
I fell to my knees. Caught her before she could hit the floor. It was too late by then.
I pull her close, as close as I can get her. Cradle her body in one of my arms, stroke her hair back from her face. She did this for me once. She tried so hard not to hurt me, even though I’d hurt her. Even though I deserved to be left on the hard floor to bleed out alone. I would give anything to hear her voice. Anything for her to open her eyes. Every second that passes forces more fear down my throat. Haley’s unconscious, and I never knew how awful this was, I never knew how deep the terror went. The day Ronan came to kill me, I heard her scream as the world faded away. I understand that scream now. It’s happening in my own mind.
She was screaming for help.
I know better than that.
“That’s not what I meant.” Rick’s voice quavers, and if I had anything left, I would fucking hate him. But all I have is pain. It’s impossible to separate the pain in my body from the pain in my soul and the all-encompassing pain of loving her. Desperately. Furiously. Against every rule I’ve ever made for myself. In spite of the threat of me. I love her.
Rick drops the paperweight. The glass spiders and cracks next to my knee. The structure of the petals separates, each one of them catching reflections of the fire. Those petals used to refract the light from my window. “Oh, fuck,” he says again, that fucking coward. “I didn’t mean to hit her. Caroline sent me after you, not her. Fuck.”
I can’t hear if she’s breathing. I don’t think she is. Rick babbles more excuses. More apologies. He’s a stain on this room. On this moment. He deserves to die for what he’s done to Haley, but I would have to put her down to kill him. I will never let her out of my arms again.
“Get the fuck out of my office. Get out. Get out.”
He runs. Trips over the fallen chair and scrambles away. His footsteps are replaced by quiet. Not silence. The fire crackles softly in the grate. Snowflakes graze the window pane on a night breeze. Air moves in a harsh saw in and out of my own lungs. I have to be calm for her. I have to be steady. I don’t know if I can do it.
Because she’s not breathing.
I press a hand to her chest and pray for it to rise.
“Please. Darling. Wake up.” Her chin in my hand feels unbearably fragile. “Please, take another breath. It’s all right. It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. One breath. Wake up.”
Nothing.
“Haley. Darling. You have to keep breathing.” I press down on her chest, trying to coax the air out of her. Into her. It shouldn’t have stopped her breathing. Hitting her head shouldn’t have stopped her lungs from working. But then Caroline shouldn’t have been able to cause permanent damage to me. If it were simple, it would be easy to fix, it would be easy to get her to start again. Haley was strong enough to survive me, to survive the darkest parts of my rage and pain. She weathered me like a storm. Cried for the storm. Loved it, too. I want her to be too strong for this. I push harder, feeling the echo of her hands against my chest. In her nightmares, she’s trying to keep my heart beating. I’m trying to keep hers beating now, though I don’t know if I’m feeling her pulse or mine. “Please.”
Nothing.
I kiss her, put my mouth on hers to feel the sweet movement of her breath. When I kiss Haley her whole body responds to me. Now there’s nothing. I make the sign of the cross over her with a shaking hand. She’s innocent. She’s perfect. God’s mercy is supposed to be never ending. He could offer her a scrap, even if He offers me nothing. Any grace should go to her, not me, not me. I have never been able to accept endless mercy. Always wrestled with it, no matter how many times Father Simon claims to know the truth.
And maybe this is my failing. I knew violence to be a limited resource. The more violence I accepted from my father, the less he would have for my siblings. Why wouldn’t the mercy of God be the same? The more he gives to one sinner, the less he has for another.
An endless capacity for anything is a danger. Endless mercy can lead to endless violence. Endless sacrifice can lead to endless pain.
All of this falls away. What does it matter now? I don’t need endless mercy. I only need one act of grace. Please, for Haley. I confess my love for her. I confess it’s everything, all I feel. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, my entire heart does not belong to God, so much of it belongs to Haley, and if that means I’ll burn forever, then so be it.
She’s not breathing.
Panic winds itself around my pain and screws itself into my flesh. My heart. Raw terror threatens to separate each piece of me from the whole. It’s pulling out ribs and organs. One by one. “God, please. Darling, please.” A little shake to her face. “Not this way. You have to survive this. You have to survive me. I’ll let you go if I have to. I’ll let you go. Anywhere you want to go, just don’t leave.” Don’t leave the world. Exist in the world. It will be enough if she exists. “Forgive me. Stay with me.”
Nothing.
“Anything.” I feel a presence here. I feel witnessed. I don’t allow myself to be seen like this, I don’t, but I can’t stop it, and nothing matters but Haley. The air grows heavy. Harder to work in and out of my lungs but I am painfully awake, painfully alive. “I
’ll do anything. I’m so sorry, darling. With all my heart. I chose the wrong things. I’ve done terrible things. I’ve sinned, Jesus, so many times and I would do it all again, I would suffer it all over again if you’ll wake up. Let me take your place. Let me take her place.”
I look down into Haley’s peaceful expression and my soul tears apart. A raindrop falls to her cheek. Another one. It’s too cold for rain but angels could weep for her, Jesus, please. “I’ll sin again. I know I will. I can’t stop. But don’t take her from me, please, please. I’ll do anything. Let her live. She’s so soft. She’s so sweet. Let her live.” Her head is heavy in the crook of my arm, her eyelashes a gentle shadow on her skin. I put my hand to her face, to her perfect face, and run my thumb over her cheek. “You’re—” Another raindrop. “You’re dreaming, darling. Wake up. I love you.”
Haley stirs, the movement so subtle I think it might be me. I hold my breath. Try to stop moving. A stretch in her legs, like she’s wiggling her toes. I don’t dare look down toward her feet.
The fingers on her hand curl in. I gather her arm closer. Take her hand. Squeeze at her fingertips. “Please, darling. Please.”
Her chest hitches, almost like a sigh.
It rises.
It falls.
I put my hand over her heart. Hope is excruciating. It hurts so fucking much. But over that pain, I feel her breath. It’s light. Soft. Like she is.
Firelight caresses her face. I put my hand there too. Give me this one mercy. I know I don’t deserve it. Take her under the shadow of your wing. Protect her, protect her.
Haley’s eyelashes flutter. Another raindrop falls onto my hand. And then I’m looking into the clear, warm blue of her eyes. They move over my face, her lips parting in soft surprise. Her eyes open wider. A bolt of fear threatens—what if she doesn’t know me?—but the presence in the room holds it at bay. Like a vast wing folding over us. A temporary shelter.