“Hello,” I said sullenly. I wasn’t exactly in the mood to talk to her at the moment either.
“Brett, we need to talk,” she said as soon as I answered.
“So talk,” I said grumpily.
“Not over the phone. In person. Where are you?” she asked.
“I’m over at the mall,” I sighed.
“I’ll meet you in the food court and we’ll have lunch,” she said. “See you soon.” She hung up and I was left listening to the tone. Honestly, I didn’t want to talk to her. I was just as irritated with her for staying with Dad as I was with him for being that way. After all, she could always leave. Letting him treat her that way was no way to live and she was just sitting there, taking it. It was abuse, plain and simple and she was doing nothing to stop it.
I made my way to the food court and found a table near the corner. It was somewhat hidden by plants, giving me a little bit of protection from prying eyes. I wasn’t publicly recognized nearly as much as I used to be, which was good, but I still liked to keep a low profile. Soon, my mom joined me and we grabbed a burger from a nearby place before sitting back down.
“I really appreciate you talking to me,” she said. “I know you aren’t exactly happy with me at this point. But you should know, you have no reason to be mad at me.”
“No reason?” I asked, shocked. “Are you serious?”
“I’m completely serious,” she said with a nod before taking a bite. “What’s been happening between your father and I is not my fault.”
“But it’s your fault for putting up with it,” I explained. “He treats you like shit and you just let him. Don’t you have any self-respect?”
I saw tears forming in her eyes and I started to feel horrible. “I really don’t know anymore, if I’m being honest with you,” she said. “I used to be confident, fun and carefree. But things happen and people change. Somewhere along the line I just wasn’t enough for your father anymore.”
“That’s because he’s an asshole,” I muttered. “Nothing you can do would change that.”
“Still,” she said firmly, wiping away her tears. “Maybe you’re right, I don’t know. I’m just more worried about you kids at this point. I feel so bad for Ronnie and the way his marriage ended. He deserves someone that will treat him right.”
I wanted to tell her that she did too, but I didn’t think that would help her at this point. Instead, I let her change the subject. “Yeah, I hope he finds someone that’s right for him,” I said. “A woman that will make him feel special and take care of his little monster, too.”
“She’s so sweet,” she said wistfully. “I love being a grandma.” After taking another bite, she gave me a pointed look. “It would be nice if I had another one.”
“Maybe Ronnie will find that special girl and she’ll pop out a few more for you,” I said with a grin.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about, Brett. Do you have a girl you’re seeing?” She asked.
“Well, I thought I did but I think I messed it all up,” I admitted. “Remember Leslie Brown? She used to live next door to us?”
“Of course I do. She was so cute. Such a shame what happened to her family,” she said shaking her head.
“I met her on a flight to London and we reconnected. But she’s upset with me. She said I was trying to push her into a relationship but I wasn’t. I just like being around her. Being with her. I don’t want to lose her again. When they moved away, it was part of the reason I got a little wild back then.” I had never admitted that to anyone and it felt good to get it off my chest.
“I always wondered,” she said. “I noticed the way you looked at her. She was always special to you.”
“Yeah, and now she doesn’t want to talk to me,” I said shaking my head.
“Give her time,” Mom said. “Sometimes we ladies aren’t sure of what we want.”
“I think she knows and it’s not me,” I said sadly.
“I don’t believe that for one second,” she said firmly. “You have to give it another chance.”
“I don’t think so,” I said shaking my head. “That just seems like I would be setting myself up for disappointment.”
By then we had both finished our meals, so we stood and threw our trash away. We walked side by side to the main part of the mall. I could tell she was thinking, so I gave her time to collect her thoughts. Outside of a jewelry place, she paused and began to speak.
“Sometimes in life, you think something is what you want. You set your sights on it, only to get it and realize it wasn’t even close to what you expected. She’s human, Brett. She’s got feelings and worries just like you and I do. The problem is, you’re trying to barrel right on past those worries because you don’t see them. But that’s all she can see. If you love her and want to break down the walls she’s built, you have to know why she built them in the first place.” She gently touched the window that held a display of engagement rings.
“So you are telling me to not give up, just change my approach,” I surmised.
“Something like that,” she said with a nod.
“I will tell you what,” I said as we continued walking. “I will keep trying if you’ll get a divorce.”
“Brett,” she began but I held up my hand.
“No, seriously. He’s bringing you down and sucking the life from you. You don’t need him. I would much rather you leave him and find someone that will make you happy. You deserve to be treated right and with respect. Don’t let him keep dragging you through the mud like this.” I was practically pleading with her to see the truth in my words. She didn’t need his money, she would be good on her own. Besides, any good divorce lawyer would make sure she got more than her fair share.
“I just don’t know if I could manage,” she said. “I’m so old now anyway. It’s not like anyone would want me.”
“Please,” I said rolling my eyes. “Have you seen some of the women out on the prowl these days? You would put them to shame and have men falling at your feet.” We both laughed. “But seriously, it’s what you need to do.”
“I hear you,” she said softly. “I just can’t make a decision like that at the drop of a hat.”
“I get it,” I amended. “But you need to make steps every day to get yourself there.”
She nodded before pointing at something in a store. “Oh, look at that,” she said with a smile before heading inside. I shook my head and followed.
Mom was looking at a statue of a mother and daughter in an embrace. “I always wanted a daughter,” she mused as she looked upon it with misty eyes. “But I honestly couldn’t stand sleeping with your father when I found out he was with other women. Sometimes I wonder if he’s fathered other children out there. You know they say that gender is determined by the man. So if he did, that means that he could have ended up giving my daughter to another woman.”
“Mom, don’t think like that,” I said as I pulled her away. We moved farther into the store and she ran her fingers over a silk blouse. “Thoughts like that can’t be healthy.”
“I know,” she said quietly. “But they still creep in sometimes. I just hold out hope that my boys will find women that can be my daughter.” she gave me a wistful smile. “Then maybe I can have more grandbabies.”
“Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves,” I cautioned. “I still have a lot going on.”
“I know,” she said sadly. “Everyone has other stuff going on and I’m just… here.” It was as if something else had settled over my normally happy mother. I wondered what she did when she was alone. Did she have hobbies? Something to pass the time.
“That’s why I did it, you know,” she finally said. “Why I tried to kill myself.” I knew no one else could hear her, but I didn’t feel like this was the place to discuss it.
“Mom,” I began but she shushed me.
“It all started with a thought, that no one needed me. I felt like a ghost just floating through the house with nothing to do.” She mo
ved to another rack, this one with jewelry. “I just didn’t see a point anymore.”
“But we need you,” I said. “Dad may be a loser but the rest of us need you.”
“But not really,” she said giving me a small smile. “And that’s good, because that means I raised you right. You shouldn’t need your mother your entire life, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard on her when you don’t.”
I was grateful the store was bigger than most, this way we had a bit of privacy. I felt like she needed to get this off her chest and now she was ready to do it.
“I always thought your father would come around. We’d end up doing things together once you all were out of the house. But now he does things with everyone else. All those women. And I’m just a woman in a house with nothing to do.” The way she said it made me incredibly sad for her all of a sudden. Why hadn’t I seen it before? Just how lonely she’d become. Because you were too wrapped up in your own life to see that she needed you, a voice in the back of my head said. And it was right. I’d been too busy with my own needs that I had neglected the one person who had always done everything for me.
“After my suicide attempt, I had mandatory visits with a therapist. Still do, actually. In the end, I think this is what I’ve needed. Someone to talk to and get an unbiased opinion from,” she said simply.
“That’s good then,” I said. “What are they suggesting?”
“Well, first they told me to reevaluate my relationship with your father. Which I know you already wanted me to do. But they also suggested I find my identity outside of being a Jackson. Maybe take some classes or volunteer.”
“That’s an excellent idea,” I said. “Maybe you can start a charity?”
“I’ve considered it,” she said looking up. “But I’m just not sure yet. I want to find something I’m truly passionate about, you know? Something that makes my heart beat and makes me feel alive. I need to feel a lust for life that I haven’t had for far too long.”
“Maybe you need to do what I did and get away from Beverly Hills,” I suggested. “This place, I swear it eats your soul. Everyone is so fake and you can’t turn around without paparazzi in your face. Hell, I’m surprised there aren’t any here,” I said as I looked toward the mall.
“I could,” she said thoughtfully. “But no matter what, I need to deal with your father first. I know that. I have to process my emotions and deal with all of that before I do anything else. Otherwise it will all be tainted by him. Whatever I choose, I want it to be something I pick for myself. Not because of how he’s made me feel about myself.”
“That’s amazing, Mom. Really,” I said softly.
“I guess I’m telling you all this to reiterate what I said before,” she said as she led me from the store. “Life is so much more fleeting than you realize. Before you know it, you are old and wondering where all of the time went. You might have had plans or whatever and suddenly you realize that you don’t have time to do it all.”
“You still have plenty of time, Mom. You aren’t that old,” I said as I put my arm around her.
“I know, but in that moment when I thought I was going to die, when I was choosing to, all I could think about was all the stuff I hadn’t done yet. Granted, there are some things I will be happy to not do before I die. Skydiving for example. But I want to see you married and happy. I want to try to make a difference before I go. I want to see Ronnie remarried to a wonderful woman. Hell, I still haven’t even gotten to go to India yet,” she said with a laugh. “It took almost dying to see that I still had plenty to live for.” Sighing she checked the time. “Well, I have to go. I have a hair appointment. But remember what I said, okay? Don’t give up on Leslie. She’s a sweet girl and she’s been through a lot in her life so far. Cut her some slack, okay?”
“I hear you,” I said with a nod. “Now you go and get your hair done, even though it looks like you already have.”
She laughed and waved me off before turning and heading for the doors that led to the parking lot. As I stood there and watched her go, I realized she was right. You had to make choices every single day and then live with them. That’s why it was so important to make sure that whatever choice I made, I was comfortable with it. But what was I going to choose?
For one, I knew I needed to get back to London. I had hotels waiting for me there and I needed to show that I wasn’t just rich and privileged. That I knew how to run a business and make it grow. I was surprised my father had even given them to me in the first place, so I wasn’t going to squander the chance to prove myself. But as for everything with Leslie, I didn’t know. She was hurt, I got that. But could I even get through to her at this point? I really wasn’t sure. All I knew at the moment was that I had some seriously strong feelings for her. I didn’t want her to disappear from my life again either. But right now, she didn’t seem to want to speak with me. I only hoped that the time between now and when she returned to finish my loft that she could cool down and maybe we could talk things through. What other choice did I have? I was afraid if I pushed much harder than I already had she would run in the other direction. No, the best thing was to return to London and prove to her that I was responsible. Hopefully she wouldn’t be gone too terribly long.
I sighed and headed toward the doors that I had entered the mall through. I didn’t need the crowded mall, I needed more open road and time to process everything that had happened in the past week. As I walked, I remembered that it seemed as though my prayer had been answered before so I thought I’d try again. Rather than folding my hands or closing my eyes, I mentally spoke.
Whoever is up there and listening, I need help. I don’t know what I’m doing down here and I think that maybe you might be able to help me again. Give me the nudges I need to make the right choices, please. I don’t want to screw this up with Leslie. She’s got my heart and I don’t want it back. I just want her.
I reached the doors and stepped outside. Once in the sunlight, a cool gust of wind ruffled my clothes. I wasn’t sure, but it seemed like maybe I was getting an answer.
Chapter 18
Leslie
The next morning I was starting to feel a bit more like myself. I climbed out of bed and shuffled to the shower, determined to wash the previous day away. Ever since my conversation with my sister, I hadn’t been able to get the situation with Brett out of my mind. Even in my sleep I ended up dreaming about the entire thing. How he seemed to want a relationship but I was too scared to trust him. He was offering me the opportunity of a lifetime and I was hesitating, and for what? Apparently there was no escaping the situation I was in. I needed to work my way through it and deal with it all. Otherwise I wouldn’t get a good night’s sleep.
Once out of the shower, I headed back to my bedroom. I picked up my phone, somewhat hoping to see a message from Brett but there was none. We hadn’t spent very long together but I had found that he’d become a part of my life faster than I had realized. Now a day without him almost felt empty. There was a message from Kellie but I quickly deleted it. Maybe if I ignored her long enough she’d disappear again.
I started checking my email and noticed that I had a new assignment from Atlantic International, the airline I worked for. Just seeing their name made my stomach sink. I hated the thought of going back to work already. I crossed my fingers that this one wouldn’t be as long as some of the others. I didn’t completely hate the flights that weren’t as long, since they didn’t mess with my internal clock nearly as badly. But those long international flights could really mess with me. I couldn’t even remember days, just dates. I opened the email and began to scan it for the details. When my eyes saw that it was a flight for Switzerland, my heart dropped. Those flights were always so hard on me. My body had no clue what time it was to sleep, eat or do anything else. The thought of doing it even once more made me feel like throwing up.
“You have to take a chance sometime, Leslie,” I said aloud to myself. “Time to put on your big girl panties. If you want somethin
g, you have to reach out and take it. But first you have to let go of anything that’s standing in your way.” Instead of accepting the placement, I sent a response saying that I quit. Plain, simple and to the point, I typed it all out and then hit send. As soon as I released myself from that job, it felt as though a huge weight had been lifted. I was so glad to be free of it. Knowing I wouldn’t have to deal with rude customers was almost as good as knowing that from then on, any flight I took would be because I wanted to.
As I tossed my phone down and began to brush my hair, I wondered if Brett would still hire me. I’d been a bit rude even if I had been simply speaking my mind. Would he even be willing to talk to me at this point? I remembered the look on his face just before I had turned and walked away at the airport. He looked as though he had just had his heart shattered into a million pieces, which had made me tear up just knowing I had done that. While I walked away, it took everything I had in me to not turn around and apologize. But I was being stubborn at the time and didn’t want to relent. Now I just felt like a jerk.
Now that I was dressed, I made my way downstairs to find something to eat. Really, all I wanted was a bowl of cereal and the chance to think about everything. My thoughts felt like they were a tangled mess and I needed to try to sort them out. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I went to my contacts and found Brett’s number. Would he even be willing to talk to me at this point? I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that I had to take everyone’s advice and take a risk for once. I knew I really wanted the opportunity he’d offered me and I had so carelessly tossed aside. I could figure everything else out after.
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