Whammo Ranch

by Jerry Boyd

  “How badly injured is he?”

  “One moment, sir, I’ll put you on with our medic.”

  I handed the comm to John. “Major, the autodoc has him stabilized, with a treatment estimate of two days, local.”

  John handed me the comm. “Yes, Major?”

  “How did this happen, Mr. Wilson?”

  “Sir, I don’t know. One of our crew was first on the scene, and brought Bill in for medical attention. I went out and recovered the craft. Until someone reviews the logs, I doubt we’ll have much idea exactly what happened.”

  “So your crew just happened to find the wreck before anyone else?”

  “He’s law enforcement. He was called to what was thought to be an airplane crash.”

  “You say he should be up and around in two days?”

  “Yes, sir. We’ll call you as soon as he’s awake.”

  “Very good, Mr. Wilson.”

  He disconnected. “Well, John that wasn’t quite as bad as I expected. Wonder what he has up his sleeve?”

  “I’d have Nikki check Bill’s ride for trackers, first.”

  “You think he’d sic pirates on us?”

  “You think he wouldn’t?”

  “Gotta go.”

  I called Nikki and asked her to start checking for trackers, and make a certified copy of the log from that saucer When I got back, Nikki was in the barn, working. I went down to see what she had found. “I found two, Caveman. We don’t have a stash box like John, so I had to destroy them, but I got good images first. This thing is even worse than that heap he had me flying. I don’t know how he got it in the air, much less this far.”

  “Did you get the log?”

  “Certified copy, just like you wanted. You think the major is going to try and railroad us?”

  “Couldn’t bet against it. Wish Dingus was here.”

  “At least the Guide got his ID certified while they were here. Pity some Caveman was dumb enough to get shot, I wanted to introduce you to some people.”

  “That is a shame. Maybe we’ll go see them sometime.”

  I looked at the report on the saucer. Nikki was right, the surprise wasn’t that it had crashed, but that it got as far as it did. All of its’ inspections were current, though. Looked like someone was selling phony inspections.

  Having done what I could for now, I walked down to see how the boys were getting along on the shop. Snitz was afraid I might get lost in the dark, and volunteered to be my guide. The fellas were down to hanging the doors. I’ve never seen a roll up door go up that slick. Topper asked, “Sir, we have completed our task. Should we return to the barn?”

  “No, Topper, why don’t you guys stay here. I’ll bring you some more supplies and instructions tomorrow. You fellas really do nice work.”

  “Thank you, sir.”

  Snitz and I went back to the barn. Nikki looked as if she had finished what she was doing. “Caveman, do you think we should let the bots start fixing this junk heap?”

  “Leave it. Don’t want to be accused of tampering with evidence.”

  “I’m finished, then.”

  “Do you think you can tell the fellas how to wire and plumb the shop tomorrow? I promised them more work.”

  “You and those bots. You’d think they were your kids or something.”

  “Speaking of which, we gotta practice, don’t we?”

  “Slow learner that you are, it may take years to teach you anything.”

  Regardless of how late we were up, Snitz took his duty as an alarm clock seriously. I started coffee on the way out, so it would be ready when I got back. The new shop looked even better in the daylight. It struck me that those bots weren’t actually on the planet legally. I had a crew of illegal aliens doing construction work on my place in the dark of night. Somehow, an ICE raid wasn’t high on my list of worries.

  Even coffee wasn’t powerful enough to rouse Nikki that day. I decided to make a list of everything we needed to finish off the new shop while I was waiting to have breakfast with her. It looked like I could get it all in my truck, but it would be more loaded than it had been in a long time. Finally Snitz got tired of waiting, and got Nikki up. I made breakfast while she was communing with the coffee gods. “I’ve got to run in and get that stuff for the boys, I doubt you would have a place to sit on the way back.”

  “You sure it’s not that you’re tired of me already?”

  It took me a while to prove that wasn’t true.

  I got everything on my list at the lumberyard, and I got it all in the truck, but there were a couple of fellas watching to see how I was going to get it all loaded. I think I got extra points when I pulled a red bandana out of the glove box, and flagged the pipe hanging out the back. When I made it back, Nikki was sitting on the porch petting Snitz. “Hey good lookin’, bring the Frisbee, and we’ll have some fun.”

  She went in and got the disc, and they followed me down to the shop. Nikki had shown me how to call the bots on the comm, so I called and asked Topper to raise the door. I backed in, and asked, “Can you boys help me unload?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  With the boys help, it didn’t take long to get unloaded and the materials stacked out of the way. I had a thought. I got the disc from Nikki, and threw it at Topper. It took a half second for him to perceive what was happening, and then he caught it. “Sir, I believe you misplaced this.”

  “No, I meant to throw it to you. Throw it back, please.”

  Topper trying to throw a Frisbee overhand was too comical for words. I demonstrated the technique. He froze for a second, I assume calculating trajectories. He said, “You mean like this, sir?”, as he sailed it to Nikki.

  “Exactly. Can you teach your brothers?”

  “I can, sir.”

  Shortly, we had a five way game of Frisbee going, with Snitz only occasionally catching the disc. He had fun chasing it, though. Once Snitz got tired, Nikki helped me explain how I wanted the shop wired and plumbed. The need for two systems of plumbing, water and compressed air, was a stumbling point, but soon they understood the whole plan. Topper showed me a hologram of their understanding, and it looked right. Nikki and I left them to it, and took Snitz back to the house. Nikki said, “I’ve never seen cargo bots used for recreational purposes before.”

  “Recreational purposes? No, serious business. Exercising an important saucer detecting animal, definitely mission critical work, don’t you think?”

  “Dee’s right, you must wear blue contacts.”

  We were heading into the house when my phone rang. It was the trucker with the first shipment of Chevelle parts, confirming we would be home to receive them. I told him we would be around all day, and he asked for directions. Seems G.P. Guess didn’t know where we lived. I got him squared away. When I sat down with a cup of coffee, the comm chimed. It was Sargent Darning. “Good morning, Sargent, what can I do for you today?”

  “Bob, the Major would like you to haul his nephew’s saucer here.”

  “Not a problem. How soon would he like it?”

  “I believe he said, ‘Right frikkin’ now’.”

  “He is aware daylight operations increase our chance of discovery?”

  “That didn’t seem to concern him.”

  “I see. I’ll get it loaded and underway this morning, then.”

  “Nikki, sweetheart, could you do me a favor?”

  “Caveman, you want something, don’t you?”

  “Well, yes I do, but that will have to wait. Major Rottum wants Bill’s saucer, and I quote, ‘right frikkin’ now’.”

  “What does that have to do with me, Caveman?”

  “If me and the boys load it, could you fly it out to him?”

  “What’s in it for me?”

  “Roasted animal parts?”

  “I think I may need to go shopping. Do you think Julie would have time?”

  “Could it wait till you get back?”

  “If I put it off, I might need more things.”

 
“Whatever it takes.”

  She went and got the freighter, while I left Snitz in the house and went to get the boys. I had them carry the tarp over their heads as we walked to the barn. If anyone ever examined satellite photos, we were in a world of hurt, but there was no reason to make it easy on them. Nikki backed up to the barn door and dropped the loading ramp. The boys had her load secured in just a minute. They cleared the ramp, as she was closing it. I asked the boys to wait in the barn, we would soon have things to carry to the shop. Topper asked, “Might we have the flying disc, while we wait?’

  “Sure, Topper. I’ll bring it out.”

  “Oh, sir, I thought you should know. We are equipped with limited stealth. If overhead observation is your only concern, the tarp is not necessary.”

  “Thank you, Topper. I’ll remember that.”

  I got them the Frisbee, and made a mental note to pick up a few more when I was in town.

  Soon enough, the delivery driver showed up. Snitz was happy with him for bringing new smells. We got him unloaded and underway. I commed Nikki. “Everything go okay, hun?”

  “I think the Major expected you to fly it up. He acted disappointed when he saw it was me. I think he wanted to deal with someone without as much knowledge of regulations.”

  “Too bad for him. He give you trouble?”

  “Seemed like he was surprised to see me, but other than that, he was by the book.”

  “Don’t suppose those trackers were to let the pirates catch us while we delivered that saucer?”

  “Gee, Caveman, it bugs me to think that way about somebody in the Patrol, but that fits the facts.”

  “Well, I bet Dingus will come back with a cure for that problem, or know how to fix it.”

  “That’s a good bet. I can’t get over how different he and Dad are.”

  “Don’t know about that one. I’m guessing getting marooned does things to your outlook.”

  “Could be. Glad I don’t have to find out. Did you just call to shoot the breeze?”

  “Could you bring the freighter here when you come in? If we’re going to be using it this much, I want to get it Snitz friendly.”

  “Open the barn, I’m almost there.”

  She ran it in, and I found an inspection bot. I popped the cover on the power core once she shut down. I started the bot and went to the truck to get some more rubber. When Nikki saw what I had, she asked,”What’s that for, Caveman?”

  “If I fasten it between the main case and these free hanging pipes, it keeps them from making noise. How did you think I quieted Dingus’ saucer?”

  “Didn’t have a clue. I wasn’t here. All it needs is to be kept from vibrating?”

  “That’s the way it seems.”

  “I think there’s a better way, Bob.”

  “Uh oh, you called me Bob, I missed something easy, didn’t I?”

  “We have a spray mounting compound that will work for that. Holds great, and there’s a solvent to take it loose if you need to.”

  “Sounds like great stuff. We have any?”

  “Never heard of a shop that didn’t keep some around. Let me check the inventory.”

  She found a case of the stuff and pulled out a can. It was sized for an inspection bot to use. She gave it to the bot, and messed with her watch. The bot scampered back into the guts of the power core. One of the boys bounced the Frisbee off the back of my head. Ornery bots, at least they would fit in around here. Looking innocent, Taz asked, “Will you join us, sir?”

  It looked like Nikki had the situation well in hand, so I threw it back and joined their game. At this rate, we’d have to change the name of the place to Whammo Ranch. When the bot was through, I helped Nikki put the panel back in place. “You think we ought to do this for all the stuff we have flying? I wouldn’t put it past the Major to leak it to the authorities that they need to look for ultrasound.”

  “I hate to think you’re right, but it’s cheap and easy, so why not?”

  “You mind taking a bot or two with you when you take this back to John’s, and taking care of the ones over there? I’ll get these and put the boys back to work.”

  “Sure you will. How long are you gonna play Frisbee first?”

  “No, really, we’ll get right to work, won’t we, boys?”

  A chorus of, “Yes, Sir!” answered me.

  “Why don’t I believe any of you?”

  “Good sense?”

  Nikki gave me a kiss and a hug, and climbed aboard.

  Contrary to Nikki’s opinion, I pulled the access panels on everything we had running, and let the little bots loose with spray goo. I took the boys to the garage, and showed them the new parts. I explained they just needed to be stored out of the way for now, but they would be a fun project when the rest of the parts came in.

  “Fun, sir? What is fun?’

  “Enjoyment, Ozzie. Like the flying disc.”

  “Will the canine assist with this, also?”

  “I wouldn’t be surprised, Ozzie.”

  The boys moved the parts down to the shop, and got back to plumbing and wiring.

  I went back to the barn and buttoned up the saucers as the bots finished with them.

  Snitz and I played Frisbee in the front yard till Nikki got back. “I knew you would be doing that! Did you get any work done?”

  “All the saucers are squared away, the Chevelle parts are in the shop, and the boys are back to plumbing and wiring. We got our chores done before we came out to play.”

  “Well, okay, I guess.”

  “You hungry?”

  “I am, Caveman. You want to eat here, or what?”

  “I need to run by and take some more training. You want to go to town while we’re out?”

  “That sounds good.”

  We locked up, and I called the boys and told them we would be away for a while. When we got to John’s, he and Max were sitting on the porch, discussing something. “Hi John, what’s up?”

  “We were discussing waking Bill up tomorrow.”

  “Buzzkill!”

  “You’re telling me. You guys mind coming over tomorrow morning so we have more people to keep him contained?”

  “Aw, Mom, do we have to?”

  “Yes, Bob, yes you do.”, Nikki said.

  “Gee, I hope he at least wakes up in a better mood this time.”, I replied.

  John said, “You know his type. It was our fault he crashed. If Nikki hadn’t bounced him, every thing would have been rosy. Besides, he had it all under control, even though he was unconscious and bleeding out.”

  Max spoke, “You boys have such a high opinion of human nature. You don’t think he learned anything from the last time?”

  Nikki said, “Not a thing. Didn’t even wipe his logs before he crashed. He could have at least put the cause in doubt, but he didn’t even try.”

  I said, “My vote is to call the sergeant before we wake him up, let them take care of him.”

  Nikki said, “He’ll try to get us arrested, Bob.”

  “No way around that, is there?”, I asked.

  “I’ll send his personal log to the Patrol, and to the sergeant, personally. It’s all I can think of.”

  John said, “Wish Dingus was back.”

  Max retorted, “Why, so he could shoot Bill?”

  I said, “No, Max, because he has pull, and can cover us when all this political crap starts.”

  Max looked a little frustrated, but he accepted that.

  John asked, “What brings you to our fine establishment this evening, Bob? Trying to bum some supper?”

  “Nope. We were planning to eat in town. I was thinking I should train some more. If Dingus gets back before I finish, my heinie is grass.”

  “Good thing the courier came with more Motrin today. Let’s get you set up.”

  I came out of it a little confused, but things settled in quickly. I was getting used to the training machine. “So, John, what do I have left?”

  “Looks like just that speci
al that Dingus left for you.”

  “Maybe I should take it in the morning, get caught up.”

  “You think you need it to deal with whatever Bill throws at us, don’t you?”

  “I’d rather have it than not.”

  Snitz and Max were having fun, so we decided to pick Snitz up on our way home. Be more fun for him than sitting in the truck while we ate. We got to town before the rental place closed, so I rented a large truck, and asked if it was okay if I left it on the lot and picked it up after supper. They didn’t have a problem with that. Then we hit the sporting goods place for an assortment of Frisbees. Gotta keep the boys happy and doing that good work.

  After we got seated and got our drinks Julie came out to see us. She had on a business suit, instead of her uniform, and looked stressed. “Bob Wilson, what did I do to you? You wouldn’t believe the amount of paperwork it takes to keep this place going. Why did you talk me into this?”

  “You’ll get the hang of it, Julie. You’ve been talking about your own restaurant since I’ve known you. You have a good crew, you just need to trust yourself.”

  “I know Bob, but I’m drowning in the business end. The customers, the kitchen, those things I understand. The paperwork and government stuff are going to make an old woman of me.”

  “Maybe that’s what you need. An old woman, somebody who’s already done all this crap and knows how to get it done. I bet Dee would know somebody.”

  “That doesn’t sound as crazy as it ought to. But who knows when Dee will be back?”

  “I’ll call her.” I got the call started before either lady could stop me. I heard, “Just a minute, Old Man, it’s Bob. He wouldn’t call for nothing. Hi Bob!”

  “Hi Dee, hope I’m not interrupting anything. We’re here with Julie. She bought the restaurant, and the business end has got her wrapped around the axle. We figured you probably knew someone who has been there and done that, who could help her out till she gets the hang of it.”

  “Is John handy? They keep her doped up more than they did me. She never really decided it was worth the effort to play their game.”

  “We’re gonna have to bust her out?”

  “If you want the best. Her name is Joanna Jackson. She doesn’t have any family, so you’re good there. Her arthritis is pretty bad, though.”