by Holly Bourne
“No.”
“Mia, come on.”
We can’t leave her on her own. But I also can’t not go to the party now that I’ve summoned Aidan back. That will just confuse the spirits. I squeeze my hands into fists, wishing I could cast a spell to make Mia less difficult.
“Can’t we just stay here?” she asks, finally looking up, her eyes wet. “You know the party will be terrible. Nobody knows us or likes us.”
Alexis is already down to her bra and yanking one of my tops over her head. “Because they’ve not had the chance to!” Alexis says. “This will give them the chance.” She wiggles into the top and I get a pang of jealousy that she looks better in it than I do.
“So our friendship group isn’t enough for you?” Mia says. “Is that it?”
I raise my hands before Alexis can reply. “Hey, hey, hey. Mia, where is all this coming from?” I make my voice as low and as calm as I can, and it works. She tears up, sniffs and says, “Sorry. I just … feel weird about everything I shared tonight, and now I’m scared that you guys don’t want to be friends with me.”
Alexis and I look at each other and both of us soften, forgiving Mia straight away now her behaviour makes sense. We run to Mia’s side and sit her on the bed.
“Mia, that is just mental,” I say. “Of COURSE we still want to be your friend.”
“These things have nothing to do with one another,” Alexis adds. “Sophia can love you and be glad and relieved that you shared that with us but also want to go to this party.”
I feel Mia relax into our hug as our words soothe her. “Fine then, I’ll go,” she says, resting her head on me. “Even though I don’t want to.”
“Yes!” I say.
“It will be terrible,” Mia warns. “And we’ll probably all end up crying.”
Alexis leaps up and starts doing a crazy dance move, looking like she’s fighting with a chicken. “But we’ll be LIVING,” she says, her arms flying out in a frenzy. “Crying, but living.”
Alexis carries on dancing like a nutcase, making us all laugh, even Mia. Then I get to work removing the eyeliner from my face. I cannot win back the love of my life while made up to scare children. I open a packet of wet wipes and smear the eyeliner off my face, then start applying more mascara.
My spell. It worked. He messaged. He actually messaged. I love him. I do think I love him. Is this the start of him loving me? Of someone finally loving me?
“I’m not changing,” Mia says as she watches us preen ourselves into oblivion. She pulls her hoodie sleeves down, picks up a book and starts reading it against the wall while she waits for us. I grin. I love how we can have epic rows that take us right to the edge of our friendship and then switch right back into all being best friends again. It shows how safe we are with each other. I always see our arguments as a sign of strength rather than weakness.
I examine my face in the mirror to see if my giant eyelashes are fluttery enough. My mouth is doing this weird thing where it can’t stop smiling.
I apply a peach lipstick, one that makes the blue in my eyes really stand out. One that doesn’t smear. Just in case.
I wonder what Aidan Chambers is wearing.
I wonder how many times he’s checked his phone to see if I’ve replied.
I wonder if I should start saving now for our limo to the Year Eleven ball.
I wonder if the only reason he’s messaged is because I cast a spell on him.
I hope not. I really hope not. But I do worry.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
There was a moment where I considered how far I could go in my life with no Chemistry GCSE. I mean, the THOUGHT of having to sit next to Aidan for two hours every week, learning about the periodic bloody table, after he’d broken my heart and peed on its shattered pieces was just impossible.
I cried solidly the weekend after it happened – looking at the one photo I had of us on my phone over and over. It wasn’t just the hurt of Aidan rejecting me but the humiliation I felt that everyone knew about it. Public confirmation that, yes, I was unlovable, undesirable, boring and bland. Mum didn’t know what to do with the crying mess that was me. She thought it was something to do with Dad leaving, even though it had been several months since he’d taken off.
“Oh, hon, I’m sorry,” Mum soothed. “It wasn’t your fault he left. He was just a very confused man. It was nothing to do with you – you’re perfect.”
I cried harder, as being reminded of my dad upping and leaving to freaking Canada was also a painful thing to think about.
She sat on the edge of my bed and brushed my hair clumped with tears off my forehead. “Honey, never think it’s about you. Your dad loves you, in his own way. He just … well … he loves himself more. But that’s his issue, not yours.”
I turned away from Mum without saying anything and wondered instead how I could permanently avoid Chemistry. Maybe if I did really badly I could get put down a set? Except part of me was still desperate to see Aidan, as pathetic as that sounds. Maybe he’d realise his mistake when he saw me? Maybe … maybe …
It was ridiculous how dressed up I got for school on the Tuesday. I really pushed the boundaries of the make‑up rules and how far I could roll up my skirt.
“You look lovely,” Alexis told me during form time as she passed me some gum. “He never deserved you, you know that, right?”
“Who?” I replied. “What? Oh, him. Not even thought about it.”
“No? So these messages weren’t from you over the weekend?” She pulled out her phone, coughed and started whispering out loud.
“‘I will never feel joy again.’”
“‘It’s my left eye, isn’t it? He didn’t like the fact it’s smaller than my right eye.’”
“‘I’ve cried so hard that I think my face has had an allergic reaction.’”
“Stop it!” I went to snatch her phone off her while she cracked up. “I get your point.”
Before the Chemistry lesson I stood in the English‑block bathroom, rehearsing my I don’t care about you at all and I’m handling this so maturely face. It involved a lot of relaxed eyebrows.
“You can do this,” I told my reflection. “Show Aidan what he’s missing. Show him that you’re NOT boring and you’re NOT bland and you’re totally amazing and he’s an idiot to be kissing Gemma instead of you.”
Aidan was already sitting down when I made my way into Chemistry. My insides melted at the sight of him. God, he was so good looking. It really shouldn’t be allowed. There should be some kind of law where boys over a certain level of attractiveness should be forced to wear paper bags over their heads. It wasn’t fair on anyone really.
Every step towards Aidan was hard. I noticed most of the class looking at me, wondering how this was going to play out. It was my last snatch of being interesting to my year group before I drifted back to being a nobody again.
I got to my seat. Aidan looked up.
“Oh, hey,” he said, like nothing was the matter at all. “You good?”
Why is he pretending nothing has happened? Has nothing happened? Did I hallucinate the whole thing? Am I about to be transported back to the day I cast the love spell over the Bunsen burner, shaking myself awake and realising the whole thing was just a daydream, warning me of the perils of magic?
“Me? Oh yeah, I’m so good,” I found myself replying. “Gooder than a … a goody two shoes. I’m like … umm … a goody ten shoes.”
Aidan smirked like I was a weirdo. “Cool.”
I sat down. “Are you, like, also good?”
“Yeah, I’m great.”
That great hurt me the most. It was very impressive I didn’t cry right there and then. Instead, I sat next to Aidan, unravelling. I hung my hair over my face so he couldn’t look at me. Not that he tried to look at me anyway. He didn’t even talk to me. He didn’t try to offer an explanation for what had happened. Aidan just took notes and listened to the teacher and left with a simple “Bye then” when the bell rang.
&nbs
p; And I went home and cried and wondered what was wrong with me. First my dad, leaving me like it was absolutely nothing. No big deal. It wasn’t like he was MY FATHER or anything. And now Aidan Chambers. My first kiss. Also exiting my life like it was no big deal. Like I was no big deal …
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
It doesn’t matter how hard you put together the perfect party look, it will always get ruined by the many layers needed to survive the British winter.
“You would never know how good my boobs look under all this,” Alexis complains as we stomp over the frost towards Lucy’s party. Alexis is swaddled in two scarves, a hat and a giant puffer jacket. “And they’re extra firm because of the cold.”
I see Mia roll her eyes as we walk under the orange glow of a streetlight. “We’re hardly going to bump into the loves of our lives walking in the suburbs on our way to a crap party,” she says.
“You never know!” Alexis replies.
I’m not concentrating properly on their conversation because I am very, very nervous indeed. I’ve messaged Aidan back with a very breezy, “Oh, I am free tonight after all, maybe I’ll come down.” I’ve been checking my phone every twenty seconds since. No reply yet. But maybe that’s because he’s giving himself a talking‑to in the mirror. I picture people lining up outside Lucy’s bathroom while Aidan has locked himself in. He’s gripping the sink, looking at himself and saying, “Don’t screw this up, mate; this is your one shot to win Sophia back.”
I stop for a second, skidding on the ice, as it hits me that I know deep down that this isn’t happening. Not even with my spell. Aidan Chambers would never care that much.
“How long do we have to stay at the party?” Mia whinges as she skids on the same patch of ice I just did.
“At least one whole hour,” Alexis says. “And you have to talk to one whole human who isn’t us.”
“This is going to be terrible,” Mia complains.
“No, it’s not,” Alexis replies. “Have you not been following the hashtag?”
“No. What hashtag?”
It turns out that Lucy has made a hashtag for the party – #WinterBall – and we all slide to a halt to check it out on Alexis’s phone. Anyone who is anyone from school seems to be there, posting selfies and full‑length photos of their outfits. Someone’s managed to get hold of loads of alcohol, as everyone’s holding beer bottles or wine glasses. We scroll over more photos and I keep my eye out for Aidan, my stomach tight with nerves, ready and waiting for sight of the boy who asked me to come.
“Looks like Peter and Olivia are back together,” Alexis is saying. “If the solid kissing is anything to go by. Oh my God, is that Ryan? I’ve not seen him since he was expelled.”
More photos flick past, but I can sense Mia getting cold and bored next to me.
“Where the hell did they get all that wine from?” Alexis muses. “It MUST be Charlie’s dad’s, but surely his parents would notice … oh.”
That’s when his face appears. Aidan Chambers’ perfect face. I grab Alexis’s phone off her.
“Hey,” she says, but I ignore her.
Aidan looks good, of course. Hair all sticky‑uppy. A nice checked shirt on. Skin with its year‑round natural tan. Teeth looking all white against it. He’s got a beer in one hand and is doing the peace sign with the other. He looks so beautiful. My stomach turns cartwheels. God, I fancy him. I can’t believe he messaged me. Me? Me! Me. But … but … a voice in my head starts to whisper. But …
“Can I have my phone back?” Alexis asks. “Earth to Sophia! Phone. Mine. Can I have it back?”
“Oh, sorry.” I hand it over and we start walking again, but I’m looking down at the frosty pavement and my stomach is doing something I don’t understand. It’s not fizzing any more. The cartwheels have turned into belly flops. In fact, my stomach feels like a blodge of something un‑good. Dread has crept into my intestines. No, it can’t be that. My wish has come true. My spell has worked.
Blodge.
There it goes again.
What’s happening?
I skid to yet another halt and my friends slide next to me, their legs Bambi‑ing under them.
“What is it?” Mia asks. “You OK?”
I nod, staying still. “No.”
“That’s a confusing response,” Mia says.
I shake my head. “Yes, sorry.”
“That’s even more confusing.”
“Sorry.” I watch my breath come out in puffs. And I’m not sure where all this blodge is coming from, or what’s going on, or why I’m suddenly thinking about my dad, and how he left, and how that made my tummy hurt too. And now I’m thinking about Aidan Chambers, and what he did, and how that made me feel.
“I’m … I’m not sure if I want to go,” I find myself saying out loud. I grab my throat, surprised at what I’ve just said.
“You’re kidding, right?” Alexis says, while I see Mia smile to the side of us.
I shake my head once more. “I don’t know. I’m confused.”
“We’re all dressed up,” Alexis adds. “We’re ready. He’s messaged you! This is everything you wished for.”
“But is it?” I ask, and I touch my throat again, shocked at the words it has just produced. Words that I never imagined I’d ever say. But the words feel right. They tingle on my tongue as I say them.
“If you don’t want to go, we don’t have to go,” Mia says.
Alexis twists to her. “Oh, don’t pretend you’re not delighted.”
“I just want what’s best for Sophia.”
“So do I,” Alexis replies, “and she’s literally just cast an actual magic spell to get this guy, so I figured she’d want to follow through. Considering magic is a pretty drastic life option and all.”
I’m sniffing. A lot actually. I reach a gloved hand up to my nose and it’s covered in snot when I pull it away. That’s weird. I sniff again, to try to snort up the snot. The noise pulls Alexis and Mia out from their bickering.
“Oh my God, Sophia, what’s wrong?” Alexis asks.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re crying,” Mia says, and steps forward to rub my freezing arms over my coat.
“I … am?”
They both nod. I put my gloves to my eyes and they come away soggy with both snot and tear juice. I hiccup a sob. God, I really am crying. Woah.
“Bloody hell, I’ve never seen you cry this hard,” Alexis says to me. “Are you OK?”
More tears come in response. They’re pouring and pouring now and my chest is starting to hurt.
“Do you mind if we sit down?” I say, and sit very abruptly on the freezing cold pavement. My face collapses into my hands and I cry and cry and cry. My back heaves, snot decorating my knees like there’s been a slug orgy.
It all comes out. All of it. I’m crying because I’m realising how stupid I am. I’m crying because Aidan Chambers wasn’t very nice to me. In fact, he humiliated me in public and hasn’t even said sorry. Just like my dad upped and left us and hasn’t once said sorry. I’m crying because these things hurt. I’ve been pretending I’m OK, but I’m not. It all really, really hurts.
“Am I just nothing?” I wail out into the darkness. “Do I mean nothing to nobody?”
“What?” Alexis says. “Hon. You’re amazing.” Both my friends sit next to me and Alexis pulls me in for a hug.
“No, I’m not,” I tell her. “I’m boring and pointless and nobody loves me.” My voice comes out like a pig just stubbed its trotter. The words, and what they mean, hurt to say out loud and they’re letting my emotions run riot.
I blame myself for Dad leaving, I think, because, surely if I was worth anything, he would’ve stayed? And then Aidan Chambers came along, giving me hope I was worth something, deserving of time and attention, but then he just got bored too.
“What makes me so easy to leave?” I sob. “I must be so spectacularly boring if I can be chucked aside just like that.”
There’s nothing Mia and Alexis ca
n do to stop my tears for a while. So they sit there, in the cold and dark, missing the coolest party we’ve ever been invited to, and rub my back. There’s never one moment where one of them isn’t rubbing me, whether it’s my back, or my arm, or my cold, cold leg. They rub and rub, like I’m a magic lamp that can grant them wishes, while whispering kindness in my frozen ears.
“Sophia, we love you,” Mia says. “You’re not boring. You’re the most amazing person ever.”
“Please don’t assume having loads of drama is good,” Alexis says. “It’s exhausting. I love having you around. You’re my rock. That’s not nothing; that’s everything.”
“You shouldn’t let him get to you like that.”
“He’s a dick.”
“I’m so sorry about your dad.”
I cry until nothing is left and there is absolutely no feeling in either of my butt cheeks. I cry in a way that releases something. I cry at being held by my friends, and I cry at how good that can feel.
And then something magical happens … I start to believe their words. These reassurances from my friends. They sink in as my tears sink into the frost beneath us. Because I may not be the most zingy of people. I may be someone who listens more than she talks. I may not hold the room, but I hold others up. I keep the peace. I’m there. If I love you, I am there. Even if you’re crying about a dead dog you never liked that much. Or making me promise to hold dark scary secrets about what you do to yourself. Or even repeatedly asking me to check your hair straighteners are turned off. I’m there.
Being reliable isn’t always boring, I realise. I wish Dad had been more reliable. I wish Aidan had too … I always saw my reliability as a curse, but now I’m feeling like it could be my strength.
“Thank you,” I say eventually, when I’m all out of tears. “I don’t know where that came from.”
Mia laughs. “Well, now we’ve each had at least one cry tonight. Well done for equalising.”
“Am I mental for not going to the party?” I ask.
They both say no at once and shake their heads wildly like dogs drying themselves off.