by Jerry Boyd
“Bye, Bawb.”
I hadn’t noticed Nikki coming onto the bridge. She spoke up. “At least you have the Morning Flower stamp of approval, Captain.”
“One point for me, I suppose. Was there something you would have done differently?”
“Not at all. I didn’t mean to make it sound as if I didn’t approve.”
Sally said, “Scotti reports all secure, clear to maneuver.”
I said, “Ruth, take us back to where we were, please.”
“On it, Boss.” The intercom came alive with, “Prepare for FTL in one minute. FTL in one minute.” Once we had settled back into normal space, Topper said, “Scotti for you, Captain.”
“Put her on.”
“Boss, I think we may have made a mistake.”
“Is it fixable?”
“I don’t know at this time.”
“What is it?”
“The ship we just brought aboard isn’t a warship like the three down on the planet. I think we just captured a merchant vessel.”
“Oh crap! You mean we’re pirates?”
“Well, we haven’t actually hurt them, or taken any of their cargo, so I don’t think anyone could call us pirates, just yet, but if I were them, I certainly wouldn’t see it as a gesture of friendship.”
“Thanks for the update. I better get down to the brig and see if I can smooth things over.”
“Later, Boss.”
“Sally, you have the conn. Gene, page the Branhams, the Sloans, and Lakki Witti to the brig, ass-ape.”
Sally said, “My ship.”, right before Gene said, “On it, Boss.”
Nikki followed me to the transit. On the way, she asked, “Do you think we can make this right with them?”
“I hope so, but the kind of luck we’ve had with these folks so far, I wouldn’t risk any money on it.”
We came out of the transit to find Lakki waiting. “What do you need, Captain?”
“A time machine, to go back a few minutes and tell myself not to be an idiot. The vessel we just attacked appears to be a merchant vessel.”
Lakki replied, “Oh! Good! You’ve already opened negotiations, I won’t have to waste time trying to explain cultural differences.”
You could have knocked me over with a feather. I asked, “Come over that one more time, slowly, for us stupid monkeys?”
“You’ve shown them that they exist at your mercy. I don’t have to convince them that it’s necessary to bargain with you, they can see for themselves they don’t have a chance of stealing your goods and escaping with them.”
Dingus had arrived while we were talking. He said, “Now I understand. I dealt with a few people like that before I went in the box. If you don’t prove to them that you can hold on to what you have, they don’t see any reason not to just take it from you, when they get the chance. Makes it so much easier than having to trade for things.”
I studied on all that for a moment. “You mean, I’ve been doing this all wrong, trying to be nice to these idiots?”
Dingus said, “Not all wrong. If you hadn’t shown them some respect, that would have been just as bad.”
Lakki said, “He understands. If you can get him to explain it to you, Captain, you’ll be able to deal with these folks.”
I replied, “I think I see what you two are saying, but it is a little different than the way I’m used to doing business.”
Lakki said, “You need to get used to it, if you want to do business with my people.”
Nikki spoke up. “C’mon, Bob, I’ve seen you buy used cars. You know how to do this.”
The dim bulb over my head finally got a few volts to play with. “Oh, I see. That’s how they play, huh? I’ve been lighting up the big red ‘Easy Mark’ sign every time I open my mouth, haven’t I?”
Dingus said, “Maybe not every time, but close.”
John and Jane showed up about then. John asked, “What did Bob do now?”
I replied, “Apparently, these folks don’t respect you in a negotiation, unless you come at them hard, like you were buying a used car. Lakki thinks I’ve finally managed to open a negotiation the right way. I called you folks out for nothing.”
Jane replied, “All we had to do was treat them like thieving scum, and they pay attention to what we say?”
Nikki said, “I get the impression it helps to have something to back it up with, but that’s the basic idea, yes.”
I said, “The way Lakki explained it, they don’t think it’s worth negotiating, if you’re so weak that they can just steal your stuff anyway.”
Jane said, “You want us to scrounge you up an eyepatch? You might as well look the part.”
“I don’t think it would help, besides, we’re fifty light-years from the nearest parrot, at least. Have we figured out who’s in charge of our guests?”
Lakki replied, “I did. Do you want me to bring him to interrogation?”
“Yes, please. We might as well get this over with.”
Nikki asked, “What do you have in mind, Hon?”
“They want to deal with an asshole. I think I can handle that.” Her eyes got big. She said, “You know he has to be breathing when you finish, right?”
“He’ll be breathing. I doubt he’ll even be bleeding. I do hope he needs different drawers.”
Lakki asked, “Do you want me to go in with you?”
“Thanks, but no. I want his attention on me alone.” Sean came out and nodded. “He’s all ready for you, Boss. I’ll find a mop.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Sean. Let’s see if it’s deserved.” Everyone ran for the observation room. Apparently, they thought it would be quite the show. I strode in, saying, “What have you come to waste my time about, you mangy son-of-a-rat?”
He started in, “I have a cargo of fine goods that a primitive such as yourself might have use for.”
“All of it chock full of trackers and spying devices, I have no doubt. I have the best walnuts, in quantities like you’ve never seen, and all you have is trade junk? Give me one reason not to space your rat behind right now.”
He replied, “Not trade goods. These are marked for the home market. No trackers.” I didn’t even have to force my laugh.
I said, “You believed them when they told you the home-market stuff doesn’t have trackers? You’re even more of a moron than I thought.” I decided it was time to get his attention. I grabbed him by the front of his uniform, and slammed him into the wall, high enough his feet didn’t touch. “I’m through messing around. Make me a serious offer, or get back on your junky little ship and get out of my sky.” I smelled something, and sure enough, he had lost his whiz. I shouted, “Get Sean in here with that mop, so this dung-eating moron can clean up his mess before I throw him off my ship.” Sean took a few seconds to show up. I had to think Dingus or Jane was coaching him, so that it wouldn’t look like he had been waiting. Sean came through the door, and said, “You need a mop, Boss?” I replied, “The little big-shot here can’t hold his water. I probably should make him lick it up, but for some reason, I’m feeling merciful today. I hope it passes soon.”
I threw him in the puddle. “That’s got some of it. Now mop the rest.” He decided he’d had enough. “Now listen here, you barbarous monkey, I’m not mopping your decks. You’re not even fit to mop mine.” That is where I ran into a bit of a problem. A Squirrel, looking cross-eyed at the Ruger growing out of his nose, looks hilarious. It was all I could do to stay serious. I said, “You messed it, you mop it. Or, I can make a bigger mess, and get your second in here to clean it.” He mopped. When he finished, I said, “Since you obviously are wasting my time, I’ll get my people to load you bunch up and send you on your way.” I turned and left. I locked the door behind me, and went into the observation room. I said, “Dingus, give him long enough to get good and uncomfortable in his wet clothes. Then go in, and tell him you’re there to take him back to his ship. He should be ready to give you a good offer at that point.”
La
kki said, “That was more like it, Boss. You’ve got his attention.”
I asked, “Pulling my pistol wasn’t over the top?”
She replied, “Not at all. It sold the whole thing.”
I said, “It dang near blew the whole thing. He sure looks funny, with his eyes crossed.”
Nikki said, “I wondered what that look was. I thought you wanted to pull the trigger.”
“Nope. I was doing all I could to keep from laughing out loud at how silly he looked with his eyes crossed.”
Dingus said, “I think you got his attention, this time. He’s convinced you don’t care what kind of cargo he’s carrying. He’ll be glad to get out of this with one bag of walnuts.”
Lakki perked up. “One bag? How many do you have?”
I replied, “I don’t know for sure. Charlie said they were trading jerky for them, and the Squatch like jerky, so I would think they have quite a stock.”
Lakki asked, “You mean like three or four bags?”
Dingus said, “Probably closer to three or four tons.”
Lakki said, “My translator malfunctioned. It sounded like you said tons.”
Dingus replied, “I did.”
Lakki looked like she was about to faint. Jane caught her before she went down. When she came back to her senses, she said, “I had no idea you people were so rich. I’m so lucky to be working here.”
Jane said, “We may be rich by your standards, but those nuts are common where we come from.”
Lakki just shook her head. Dee said, “Hang around with this crew for long, and all your ideas of what’s normal just fade away.”
Lakki replied, “I’m beginning to see that. You really don’t have to be rich to own a ton of walnuts where you’re from?”
I said, “Not at all. The trees grow anywhere they like the weather.”
“Then why don’t they grow on Oak?”
“We’re not at all convinced they won’t. From what we’ve heard so far, it seems like there are a group of people who decided they could make a lot of money by keeping walnuts scarce. They sabotaged all the efforts to grow them on your planet, and spread the rumor that they just wouldn’t grow there.”
“You mean they create artificial shortages, just to keep the prices high?”
“That’s how it seems to us.”
Jane said, “That’s why all those ships are coming after us. The walnut cartel has influence in the military, and they are making sure those ships get ordered to come here and try to take us out.”
Lakki replied, “You’re making how I got caught make a lot more sense. I had broken the security on a walnut broker’s computer, and threatened to put his data out in public if he didn’t pay me a ransom. The next thing I knew, I was caught and in the military. I hadn’t ever connected the two things before.”
Dee said, “Now you know. I suppose you’re willing to help us take them down?”
“I believe the phrase you monkeys use is ‘You betcha!’. Now that I have a personal grudge, I’m even more motivated to help out.”
Jane said, “That’s our Bob, stirring up trouble wherever he goes.”
Nikki replied, “Yep. Funny how things always seem better when he gets done, though.”
Dee said, “He is odd, that way.”
Dingus said, “He’s odd in a lot of ways, but he’s our Captain, and he’s brought us through safe so far.”
Jane replied, “You’ve got that right. I’m glad it’s him sitting in the big chair.”
John said, “If you would have told me all this a year ago, I never would have believed it. Bob turns out to be the best starship captain around? No way I would have thought that was possible.” Lakki had been watching people talking about me, and my reaction. She sounded amazed when she said, “You really don’t mind that they talk about you that way, do you?”
I asked, “Am I supposed to?”
“You’re the Captain. Aren’t you supposed be respected, not mocked?”
I asked, “Dee, do you mind taking this one? I’m not sure I know how to put it so she’ll understand.”
“Sure, Bob. He doesn’t mind us talking about him that way, because he knows that it means that we know that he is doing everything he can to keep the ship running smooth. Being able to joke with one another is a sign of close friendship in our culture. If we were to stop, he would know he had done something to hurt our feelings.”
Lakki said, “Now I’m the one who has to change her assumptions. Among my people, that kind of thing would be a sign of disrespect, and the Captain would be in danger of being replaced.”
John said, “There’s no danger of that. Nobody here wants his job. Too many headaches.”
Lakki said, “You don’t want to be in charge, Mr. Branham?”
“No, Ma’am, I do not. I’ve seen the crap Bob has had to lead us through. He may not do it by the book, but we’re all still here to razz him about it. That’s a lot better than most folks could have done.”
Dingus spoke up. “He sure isn’t the kind of Captain you read about in the textbooks, but he gets the job done, and gets back with all his crew. There ain’t a whole lot else you could ask of a Captain.”
I said, “I don’t know where they get all these crazy ideas, but they seem to think I’m the one who needs to sit in the big chair. Some days I wish I could get one of them to take it, but they never will.”
We were saved from any more deep thoughts by Sally’s voice on the intercom. “Captain to the bridge, ass-ape. Captain to the bridge, please.” I dove for the transit, and it opened just as I got there. I barely had time to catch my balance before the doors opened again. I ran to the bridge, hollering, “As you were”, as I ran through the door.
“Report!” Sally said, “Multiple FTL exits, Boss. All of them look like Squirrels.”
“I have the conn. Get all the fighters we still have on board ready to launch. Ruth, get ready to run Death Blossom on them. Tex, I want them all in reset. Launch drones once we are in range. Get whatever bots we have that can fit in their ships down to the landing bay, and get them some transport.”
I strapped into my chair while Sally said, “Your ship, Boss. Scrambling fighters. Boarding crews on their way.”
Tex said, “Charge levels set, ready to engage targets, Boss.”
Ruth was last in with, “Course is ready, Boss.”
Topper said, “You have the intercom, Boss.”
“We are about to face multiple hostile vessels. Prepare for immediate maneuvering. Best of luck to all of you.”
I cut my finger across my throat. Topper nodded. “Ruth, light them up.” The main screen showed flashes of five different ships, before it steadied out. Tex said, “Drones away, Boss.” One sharp-eyed gunner tried to kill a drone, but Tex got his turret first. Sally said, “Fighters standing by, Boss.”
“Let’s see what their next move is, first.”
Topper said, “Incoming, Boss.”
“Onscreen.”
Once again, I was reminded I needed to institute a policy of recording these transmissions. This fella called me things I hadn’t even thought of. Once he calmed a bit, he asked, “Who are you, you uppity monkey, and where are the rest of my ships?”
“I am Bob Wilson, the infamous monkey you are looking for. As for the rest of my ships, they’re parked on the planet until I can think of someone willing to buy pitiful junk like that. The crews are doing something useful for once in their lives, shoveling outhouses.”
“Why I never!”
“You should try it sometime. It’s great for calming you down. You look a bit tense. Manual labor is good for working out stress. Maybe we should put you to shoveling, also.”
“You buffoon! I’ll have your head for my wall!”
I turned and said, “Sally, scramble please. Stunners only, for the moment.” A few seconds later, the mouthy Squirrel wilted. Sally said, “Boarding teams away, Boss. Those ships will be ours shortly.”
I asked, “Sensors, how do they lo
ok for self-destruct devices?”
“Clean, Boss.”
“Sally, do we have a protocol for large numbers of prisoners?”
“Yes, Boss. Shall I start it now?”
“If you would, please.” We waited, as the boarding teams did their work. I asked, “Topper, get me Dingus on the comm, please.”
“What do you need, Bob?”
“A dumpster for all these Squirrels? What I need right now is to know if this is the last bunch coming in for a while.”
“Who should I ask about that?”
“You can look it up on the ship’s log, I was talking to a mouthy little fella a few minutes ago, who certainly seemed to think he was in charge.”
“How do you want it handled?”
“Go in hard, and if that doesn’t get his attention, feel free to let out whatever frustration you may have stored up.”
“Why am I interviewing him, since you are already acquainted?”
“It’s simple, really. He’s a little shitstain that isn’t worth my time.”
“You want me to use those exact words, don’t you?”
“No biggie. If you have something you prefer, go right ahead, as long as he gets the message.”
“I like yours, I just wanted to be sure. You changed gears in a hurry, Bob.”
“Now I know what I’m trying to do. I thought I was supposed to be nice. I can see why the Commonwealth didn’t get anywhere with these folks, if they took the same course I did.”
Dingus asked, “You mean you’ve been trying to do what the course said to do?”
“I thought it was the best option. I don’t know anything about being a diplomat.”
“Apparently, neither did they. I thought you were a little off, that explains it.”
“I guess I should have talked to you about it before now. I just thought I was doing what I should be, and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t get it to work.”
“Those Commonwealth courses aren’t magic, Bob. You need to use a little common sense along with them.”
“Ask your Granddaughter. She’ll tell you, I ain’t got no sense.”
“I doubt that. Just remember, if what the course told you isn’t working, try something else.”
“Thanks for helping me get squared away, Dingus. Don’t know what I would do without you folks to keep me on the straight and narrow.”