He handed her a beer. ‘Hey, I never beat my chest.’
‘Bet you picked up plenty of girls though.’
He stared across the room. ‘I didn’t play the field, if that’s what you’re asking.’
‘It’s not.’ Layla frowned.
‘I’ve never been interested in girls who are like that.’
‘Like what?’
He took a gulp of his beer, but didn’t respond.
Layla stared at the side of his face, at the line of his jaw that was vibrating with tension, and hot indignation flared inside her. ‘I was talking about you, not other women,’ she said when he remained silent.
He threw her a bitter glance. ‘I don’t ask about your past, so don’t ask about mine. It’s irrelevant to who we are now.’
Layla regretted starting an argument that was so close to her own fears. She was trying to think of something to say to bring back the light mood that had been between them only minutes ago when there was a roar from the crowd and her gaze turned to the stage as the band came out.
The lead singer, Adalita, greeted the crowd in her sheath dress and combat boots, her black hair rippling down her back, and they launched into the first song. The bass thumped inside Layla’s chest like a magnified heart and her foot tapped with barely contained energy. Then, when the fuzzy opening chords of ‘Vulcanella’ sent a shot of adrenalin straight to her heart, and when the lyrics began to cascade from Adalita in a sultry stream of consciousness, she handed her drink to Cam and drifted away into the crowd, allowing it to jostle her along until she reached the front, where a group of women made room for her in front of the stage. There, she lost herself in the music and the memories of old times.
It was only when the band had finished and she was heading back over to Cam that she saw a familiar figure in the crowd. Just the back of her head, but the sight of red hair made her heart lurch. Could it really be her? With no thought as to what she was going to do or say, she changed direction and began to follow the woman. It was no surprise, really, that she would be here tonight too. She’d almost reached her when the woman paused to greet a man who’d just emerged from the bathroom, and Layla came to an abrupt halt. The man’s eyes swept over the room and rested for a split second on Layla, then she whirled around and pushed back through the crowd, her heart beating fast. She wasn’t prepared for that confrontation.
Cam gave her a quizzical look when she reached him. ‘Where were you going?’
‘Thought I saw someone I knew.’ But the idea that she might run into them again made her stomach flutter with panic. ‘Do you mind if we go home?’
He grimaced. ‘Listen, I’m sorry about what I said before. I didn’t mean to upset you. We don’t have to leave if you don’t want to. It’s nice to see you having fun. You’ve seemed so distracted lately.’
‘What?’ She was too busy looking around the room for Renee to focus on his words. ‘Oh, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.’ She glanced over her shoulder again. ‘I’m just a bit tired, that’s all. It’d be good to get an early night.’
Cam drained the last of his beer. ‘OK, we can go if you want, but I thought you really wanted to see The Superjesus.’
Layla gazed wistfully back to the stage, where The Superjesus would soon appear. She did want to see them, but the euphoria she’d felt only minutes ago had dissipated at the sight of Renee’s husband. She’d been on the verge of approaching her old friend, but she couldn’t do it – not with him there. She wasn’t ready to face him.
She turned back to Cam with a strained smile. ‘Think I’m getting too old for this stuff.’
He grinned and put an arm around her shoulders. ‘Let’s go home, then, old lady.’
She kept her head down as they left the Gov, her heart heavy with regret.
THEN
After a few days, the episode in the kitchen didn’t seem like such a big deal. It wouldn’t have been fair to continue pushing him away when he wasn’t getting any affection at home. What harm was there in me giving him what he needed? It wasn’t like we’d had sex. He’d said himself that wasn’t what he wanted. I was lucky, really, that he was satisfied with that. Nevertheless, the thought of what might be coming next made me nervous.
And so, it was almost a relief when Renee burst into tears during lunchbreak on Friday and I could turn my attention to someone else’s problems. Shona and I sat down on either side of her and each put an arm around her.
‘What’s wrong?’ Shona asked.
‘It’s fucking Vince!’ she cried. ‘We were waiting for pizza last night and Katrina walked into the shop. They talked for a few minutes and I didn’t think anything of it, but then later we were eating the pizza in his car and he told me to go easy. I laughed it off, but then he said, “Do you think Katrina looks the way she does from eating four slices of pizza?” And he still expected me to have sex with him afterwards!’
‘Fucking prick!’ I said savagely. ‘How dare he treat you like that?’
‘Please tell me you didn’t actually have sex with him after that,’ Shona said.
‘Well, I thought he was going to dump me, didn’t I?’ Renee wailed.
‘I’m going to stab him in the dick with a fork,’ Shona declared. ‘As if you’re not a thousand times better than Katrina.’
‘A million times better,’ I said.
‘A trillion times,’ Shona said.
‘A squillion,’ I said.
‘That’s not a real number.’ Renee rested her head on my shoulder. ‘I love you guys. I don’t know what I’d do without you.’
‘Let’s catch up tonight,’ Shona said. ‘You guys stay at my place and we’ll listen to loud chick rock and bitch about idiot boys.’
*
But when I asked Scott that night if I could finish my shift a bit early, he looked so disappointed that I immediately regretted my decision.
‘I was really looking forward to seeing you tonight,’ he said.
‘Me too,’ I said in a low voice. ‘But it’s just one night. We’ll see each other again tomorrow morning, and I’ll make sure I get in nice and early.’
‘I had a surprise for you tonight, but that’s OK. I guess it can wait.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise.’
A group came into the cafe and we were forced to halt our conversation until they were seated at a table and I’d taken their orders, and then Jacinta always seemed too close for us to talk for most of the evening.
Finally, when my shift was almost over, Jacinta took the food orders out to Dave in the kitchen and I sidled up to Scott again. ‘I’m sorry about tonight, but Renee needs me. She’s worried her boyfriend’s about to dump her.’
He smiled down at me. ‘I told you, it’s fine. Though it seems a bit hypocritical that she goes AWOL as soon as she gets a boyfriend, but then expects you to drop everything for her.’
‘She’s my friend,’ I said. ‘She’d be there for me if I needed her.’
‘Of course, I get it. Friends are important.’
‘Well, thanks for understanding.’
‘You don’t have to thank me for acknowledging that you’ve got your own life outside this place.’ He looked up as the bell over the door jingled. ‘Here’s your friend now. She doesn’t look too heartbroken to me.’
Renee and Shona waltzed into the cafe, grins on their faces. ‘We beat ’em to it,’ Renee announced.
‘What do you mean?’ I said.
‘I told Daniel what Vince said about Katrina,’ Shona said. ‘He said I was overreacting, can you believe it?’
‘So that was it,’ Renee said. ‘We dumped them.’
‘Wow,’ I said, genuinely impressed. ‘Good on you.’
‘I’m done with boys,’ Shona said. ‘Let’s go to the Anchor and find some real men at the front bar.’
I felt Scott’s eyes on me and my face went hot. I took off my apron and grabbed my bag. ‘We’re not going to get into the front bar, Shona. Everyone in Glasswater knows we�
�re underage.’
‘Well, what are we gonna do, then?’ Shona said. ‘I’m so bored I could die.’
‘I can’t wait to get out of this town,’ Renee said. ‘I bet there’ll be way more decent guys in Adelaide.’
I hoisted my bag onto my shoulder. ‘See you tomorrow morning,’ I said to Scott, smiling in a way that I hoped conveyed how much I was looking forward to it.
‘Let’s go down to the Esplanade,’ Shona said when we were outside.
‘It’s bloody freezing,’ I complained, crossing my arms. ‘Why don’t we just go straight to your place?’
‘Because then we wouldn’t be able to drink these.’ Renee pulled a sixpack of Bacardi Breezers out of her bag.
‘Nice! Where’d you get them?’
‘Daniel’s sister bought them for us,’ Shona said. ‘She’s nineteen. Luckily she got ’em before I dumped her brother’s lousy arse!’
We laughed. It seemed like a long time since I’d hung out with my friends with no boys around, and it felt good to laugh with them again. Renee pulled a drink out of the cardboard casing and handed one to me, and I twisted off the top and took a drink. Sweet enough to mask the flavour of the alcohol, just the way I liked it. Renee and Shona opened theirs and we continued to stroll down the main street. The wind picked up as we drew closer to the Esplanade, throwing itself into our faces. It tasted of salt.
We found a bench overlooking the water and sat down together, swigging from our bottles and gazing into the darkness. Renee and Shona talked a bit about school and their grades and applying for uni next year, and I realised I’d barely done any study in the last week. Mid-year exams were coming up soon, and I needed top-notch grades if I was going to get into pharmacy next year; there was no way I wanted to repeat Year Twelve. It was as if I’d been walking around in a dream world ever since Scott had kissed me. It had been less than two weeks, but it already felt like I’d embarked on a new life.
By the time we finished our drinks, we were all shivering violently, so we got up and headed back, second drinks already in hand. The main street was deserted; the streetlights created pools of yellow light, the few trees throwing long shadows across the road. The statue of Benjamin Andrews, the town’s founder, towered over us, and we sat down on its platform. I was halfway through my second drink already and there was a pleasant warmth in my belly. My mind skipped along, flying free. I felt strong, euphoric. This was what I should be doing: blowing off steam with my friends like a normal teenager.
I stood up and tipped my head back to gaze up into Benjamin’s bronze face with its perpetual glower. He didn’t look friendly, but then historical authority figures never seemed to. ‘Why are there never any statues of women? It’s not like women haven’t done more extraordinary things than founding a shithole town like this.’
Shona pointed a finger at me. ‘Structural inequality. We have to be so much better than them at everything just for them to throw us a cookie, and meanwhile, this dipshit gets a gig for doing bloody nothing.’
Renee raised her arms to the sky in mock prayer. ‘One day we too will have statues erected in our names when we … I dunno, apply mascara, or something equally impressive.’
‘I’d rather have something else erected in my name,’ Shona spluttered.
We all giggled.
Shona leapt to her feet. ‘Girl power!’ she bellowed, and hurled her empty bottle against the statue.
Renee and I gasped with shocked laughter. Then Renee followed suit, smashing her bottle against poor old Benjamin, and after a moment I did the same. The sound was piercing in the silence of the street, but it was liberating too. I felt invincible. The shattered glass littered the base of the statue, glinting in the streetlights.
‘Fuck men,’ Renee said decisively when our laughter had died down. ‘We should all become lesbians.’
‘The problem,’ Shona said, slinging an arm over Renee’s shoulder, ‘is that I like dick too much to give it up.’
‘Cheers to that, girlfriend.’ They high-fived.
‘So, Layla,’ Renee said with a grin. ‘What’s the deal with your situation?’
Shona’s head shot up. ‘Situation? Layla has a situation?’
‘Renee,’ I hissed. ‘You weren’t supposed to say anything.’
Renee shrugged. ‘What’s the big deal? You said you were going to shut it down.’
Shona was watching me, practically gagging to find out my secret, and now I was pretty pissed and my tongue felt loose. I had a situation, and it was nice to feel like a sexual being for once rather than the virgin sidekick. ‘Well, speaking of dick …’
Renee and Shona both shrieked with delight. We started walking back towards my car as I told them about the after-work kitchen sessions with Scott. And in the telling, somehow the fear I’d felt last night was dispelled and the encounter seemed hot and passionate rather than scary and out of control. I even started wishing I’d blown off my friends and stayed back at work instead.
‘Far out, Lay, that’s full on,’ Shona said when I finished.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘It’s amazing. He’s amazing.’
‘What are you going to do?’ Renee said. ‘I mean, he’s married.’
‘I’m aware, Renee.’
‘Are you going to root him?’ Shona asked.
I flushed. ‘No. I don’t know. I don’t think so. He said he doesn’t want to have sex.’
‘Yeah, on account of being married,’ Renee said darkly.
Shona stopped and put her hands on my shoulders. ‘Babe, it’s only been two weeks and you’ve already given him a hand job. You’re young and hot, and he’s a dude. Of course he wants to have sex.’
I turned this knowledge over in my mind, the knowledge that all this was leading to something, had always been leading to it – knowledge that deep down I had already known to be true. By denying the possibility to myself, I hadn’t allowed my own desires to come to the fore, but now I pictured it, really pictured it. Being in bed with him, not just letting him do things to me, but wanting him to. Doing things to him; private things that my mind had always instinctively shrunk from. A surge of carnal lust took hold of my hips, swirling inside me like a wild animal. I shook my head, inexplicably ashamed and afraid of the images that paraded through my mind; all the things I wanted and yet didn’t want.
I broke away from Shona and continued walking. ‘It’s not like that. I’ve got it under control.’
We reached my car and I leant against the bonnet. The warm feeling inside me had dissipated, leaving me melancholy. I thought about the way Scott’s lips felt when he kissed me, the assured firmness of his hands on my body. How disappointed he’d looked earlier when I’d told him I couldn’t stay back at work with him. He wanted me. I’d never felt wanted before, and I’d gone and rejected him for my friends who didn’t seem the least bit unhappy about their newly single status. The longing hollowed me out.
‘How the hell are we going to get to Shona’s place?’ I said into the silence. ‘None of us are in any state to drive.’
‘I’ll drive you,’ said a familiar voice.
The three of us jumped as Scott materialised on the footpath. Adrenalin pumped through my body. Had he heard me bragging about our exploits like a silly schoolgirl?
Shona pressed her hand to her chest. ‘Fuck, you scared the shit out of me. I didn’t even see you there.’
He smiled. ‘I just finished up and was on my way back to my car. Do you want me to drive you girls to Shona’s place?’
‘That’s OK, we can walk.’ Renee’s voice was cool. ‘It’s not far.’
‘I can’t let you walk by yourselves at night,’ he said smoothly. ‘It’s not safe. I’ll drive you in Layla’s car, then I’ll walk back here.’
‘Thanks, Scott,’ I said, without looking at Renee and Shona. ‘That’d be great.’
I handed him the keys and we all got in, Scott and I in the front and Renee and Shona in the back. I looked at the time on the dashboard of my car:
10.45. Suspicion prickled at my neck. The cafe closed at 10 pm; it rarely took longer than twenty minutes to clean up and balance the till. Had he been waiting out here, listening in on our conversation?
‘You girls have been drinking, haven’t you?’ Scott said.
‘Um …’ Shona said nervously.
Scott threw an easy grin over his shoulder. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t tell. God, I was getting wasted when I was a lot younger than you.’
‘Nothing else to do in this fucking town,’ Renee muttered.
I directed Scott off the main road and down the side streets to Shona’s place. He killed the engine and handed my keys back to me. Renee and Shona got out, but Scott made no move to follow suit. I wound down my window. ‘You guys go in,’ I said to my friends. ‘I’ll be there in a sec.’
We watched as they went up to the front door and Shona let them in. When the door had closed behind them, I felt Scott’s eyes on me. ‘Why did you tell them about us, Layla?’
My face went hot. So he had heard. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out. Don’t worry, they won’t tell anyone.’
There was a wounded expression on his face. ‘Do you really think I’m only interested in you because I want to get in your pants?’
‘No, of course I don’t!’ I protested.
‘This isn’t a game to me, Layla. I wouldn’t be risking my marriage to be with you if I didn’t care about you.’
I realised how immature it’d been, telling my friends about the things we’d done together. And now he was looking like he regretted doing those things. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told them. I just can’t stop thinking about last night, and—’
He gave a low groan and lunged towards me, taking my face in his hands and kissing me. I closed my eyes and melted into him. I thought again about the scenes I’d pictured earlier and that same almost unbearable ache gripped me, made me want to touch him everywhere at once. I ran my hands over his shoulders, down his chest, up under his shirt, kissing him hard, deep, the way he had kissed me last night. His skin was hot, his stomach taut and hard. I moved my hand down, slipped my fingers down the front of his jeans, but he groaned again and sat back.
The Girl She Was Page 8