He stepped back, his face bitter. ‘You want to fuck other people, then?’
I hesitated. ‘That’s not it. But I think maybe I should experience the world a bit, start a career, and yeah, have relationships with people my own age. If I stay here with you, I’ll end up working in your cafe, having kids young, living someone else’s life.’
He grabbed my arm and shook me roughly. ‘And what’s wrong with that life, you selfish bitch? You’re only ever thinking of yourself. I’ve fucked up my marriage for you, do you understand that?’
‘I’m sorry! I don’t want to hurt you, but I want to be happy. I’m not happy here.’
He forced me back towards the cliff edge. ‘You run hot and cold like a fucking tap, Layla. One minute you’re a nympho and the next you’re fucking frigid. It makes me so angry.’
The void yawned behind me, sucking me towards it. If he let me go now, I’d tumble over the cliff. My body would smash on the rocks, split open; the sea would swallow me whole. And in this moment, with his angry eyes up close, blazing at me, that seemed preferable to this constant uneasy feeling, of never knowing how he was going to react, of feeling like a madonna one minute and a whore the next.
He hauled me back from the edge and released me, his face anguished. ‘I can’t live without you, Layla. If you leave me, I’ll kill myself.’
His words robbed my breath. He couldn’t make me responsible for that. And yet … he looked so vulnerable now, the misery in his eyes so convincingly replacing the fury that had been there only seconds ago. I took a step towards him, touched his arm. ‘Don’t talk like that.’
He put his arms around me and buried his head in my shoulder. I embraced him in return because I wanted to comfort him, and what was the harm in that? And when he started kissing me again, I kissed him back, because I didn’t want to hurt him, and what was the harm in that? And when, a few minutes later, he was inside me, murmuring, ‘Your body’s made for fucking, not for giving out medication to old people,’ I let him do what he wanted with me, because this was all I was good for, and hoping for more had always been ridiculous.
*
We were halfway through dinner when the phone began to ring. Dad got up, still chewing. ‘I’ll get it.’
As soon as he left the room, Zach began eyeing off the remaining chops on his plate. Ever since we’d been kids, we’d always taken any opportunity to steal the fat from each other’s lamb chops. The meat itself was chewy and unremarkable, but that little curl of fat was always the tastiest, slightly charred on the outside from the barbecue, melt-in-your-mouth sweet on the inside. Zach had just reached over to swipe one of them when Dad walked back in, grumbling, and he snatched his hand back.
‘Who was it?’ Mum said.
‘Dunno, the bugger hung up as soon as I answered.’
‘That’s weird, that happened to me twice earlier.’
‘Me too,’ Zach piped up.
Dad grunted. ‘Bloody kids, probably.’
I kept my eyes on my plate. Scott had wanted to catch up again this week, but I’d told him I’d be busy with exams. He’d been annoyed, as if I’d planned to go to my exams just to piss him off. I had no doubt that it was him calling, and he was hoping I’d answer so he could convince me to meet him, but the thought of giving myself to him again made me feel sick, like there was an illness inside me that only got worse the more I did it. Avoiding him was the only way I could stop the sick feeling, but now he was growing increasingly reckless. I had to shut him down before my family found out what was going on.
When the phone rang again ten minutes later, I jumped up. ‘My turn.’
I took the cordless phone into my room before I answered it.
‘Layla, thank god it’s you,’ his voice gushed out. ‘I thought you were never going to pick up.’
‘You can’t call me here like this!’ I hissed. ‘My parents are getting suspicious.’
‘Does it really matter anymore?’ he said. ‘We’re going to be together soon anyway.’
My stomach clenched. ‘I can’t think about any of that until my exams are over. Can we talk after that?’
He sighed. ‘I don’t know why you’re even bothering with exams if you’re going to stay here anyway. I didn’t finish Year Twelve and I’m doing all right.’
I had the perverse urge to laugh, but I reined it in. ‘I have to go.’
‘I need to see you. Can you sneak out tonight?’
I felt his tentacles reach out, clasp around my throat the way his hands did. ‘I can’t. I have to go.’
I hung up before he could try to convince me and hurried back to the kitchen. Mum looked curiously at me. ‘They actually answered this time?’
‘Nah.’ I sat down and stabbed a piece of potato with my fork. ‘Another hang-up. I just went to the loo.’
But Zach was looking at me with a dubious expression. ‘Didn’t hear the dunny flush.’
‘That’s because you’re deaf, butthead.’
‘Layla,’ said Mum.
‘So what are you and your friends going to do when your exams are over?’ Dad said. ‘You must have a big celebration planned.’
I shrugged and shovelled more food into my mouth so I didn’t have to answer. Mum hadn’t told Dad about the state I’d come home in after the formal, and he had no idea that Renee was refusing to speak to me and Shona hadn’t given me much more than a hello on the few occasions we’d crossed paths. Everyone else was still giving me sideways looks and whispering behind their hands about Scott and me. I had no friends left and no one to celebrate with.
‘When I finished school, my mates and I went up the coast and surfed for two months straight,’ Dad said. ‘Of course, I only went to Year Ten, so it doesn’t quite measure up to your achievement.’
‘It’s not that big a deal, Dad. Pretty much everyone finishes Year Twelve these days.’
‘Except that boy … Benjamin, isn’t it?’ Mum said. ‘Hasn’t he been trying for three years?’
Zach’s eyes met mine across the table. He smirked. ‘Bruiser’s just there for the jail bait now.’
I choked on my mouthful.
‘Zach! Don’t be vulgar,’ Mum said.
‘Maybe we should go to the river shack for a week?’ I said, desperate to cast that memory from my brain, desperate to avoid the inevitable confrontation with Scott when I’d run out of excuses not to see him.
‘Your father and I can’t get time off work at such short notice,’ Mum said. ‘And Zach’s got school.’
‘Why don’t you and your friends go up?’ Dad said. ‘You’re old enough to go away on your own now.’
I wanted to cry. A few weeks ago, I would’ve jumped at the chance, but now I’d lost everyone I cared about. ‘Nah, that’s OK.’
‘You’ll be the first one from our family to go to uni,’ Dad said. ‘That’s worth celebrating. I’m very proud of you, Layla.’
Zach rolled his eyes, and I threw a pea at him.
*
He was waiting for me when I walked out of the town hall after my last exam. I was flushed with a curious combination of elation at finishing school and emptiness at the land of in-between I was now in, but the sight of him banished any sense of achievement, reminded me of the dead end that was ahead of me if I stayed. The other students goggled with delighted horror at the scandal, but none of them said anything to me. Even Renee turned away, shaking her head. No last goodbyes for Layla Flynn, the disgraced one.
‘You shouldn’t be here,’ I said dully.
His eyes crinkled with that smile I’d fallen in love with, back when I’d thought real love was possible. ‘I thought you might want to celebrate. You’ve finished school. That’s amazing.’
‘I don’t feel like celebrating right now.’
I kept walking towards my car, but he followed. ‘I thought we could go to the city for the afternoon.’
‘I don’t really want to, Scott.’
‘Just to Victor, then. I’ll buy you a proper lunch thi
s time.’
I stopped and turned to face him, about to unleash my frustration, when Rasheed jogged up to us. ‘Sorry, Layla, I almost forgot about that coffee we were going to get.’
I threw him a grateful smile. ‘Oh yeah, me too. Sorry, Scott, I’ve already got plans. Shall we go, Rasheed?’
Scott fell back as Rasheed and I set off together. My heart was pounding. He was going to be furious. He’d want to punish me later. ‘Thank you,’ I said quietly to Rasheed.
‘Anytime,’ Rasheed said. ‘Is it OK if we go in your car? My mum dropped me here.’
‘Of course.’
‘I guess going to Telford’s is out of the question?’ There was a smile in his voice, but I was too busy looking back at Scott to answer. He was watching us, his fists clenched by his sides. ‘But we don’t have to go anywhere if you don’t want to. It’s cool if you just want to drop me home.’
We got in the car and I started the engine. ‘We should go to Victor and get a proper drink before schoolies starts. You’re eighteen, aren’t you? We deserve to celebrate after this fucked-up year.’
He looked embarrassed. ‘I’m a Muslim. I don’t drink.’
‘Right. Sorry.’ I pulled out from the kerb and began to drive without knowing where I was going to go.
‘So are you moving to Adelaide next year for uni?’ Rasheed asked.
‘I’m not sure yet.’
‘You’ll commute?’
‘I don’t know.’ I gripped the steering wheel in both hands. ‘Actually, do you mind if I drop you home? I think I just want to chill for a while.’
‘Sure. I’m on Jones Avenue.’
We drove in silence until I pulled up outside his house. ‘Thanks again for rescuing me back there.’
‘That’s OK.’ He ran a hand through his hair. ‘Listen, Layla … you’re not the person they say you are. Stay safe, OK?’
I nodded, pressing my lips together to hold in the shame at everything I’d done. ‘Might see you around.’
When he’d gone inside, I drove the few blocks home. The house was quiet and cool. I sat down at the kitchen table, and the absoluteness of this chapter in my life being over settled on me. It was crushing. I should’ve been out celebrating with my friends; we should’ve been booking our campsite for schoolies at the Victor Harbor Caravan Park, planning the booze we were going to sneak in. But instead, I was sitting here alone, no friends left, being pushed in one direction by my parents and pulled back in the other by Scott. I no longer had any perspective on whether I wanted to stay or go.
I was staring out the window when there was loud knocking on the front door, and I started nervously. I’d left the door open to let the breeze in, but the security screen was locked. Scott stood on the verandah, his jaw working, his eyes hard.
‘Did you fuck him?’ he demanded.
‘No,’ I said.
‘Did you suck his dick? Did he stick his fingers in you?’ His mouth was twisted with rage.
Fear, shimmering like summer sun on a hot road. ‘You need to leave.’
‘Open the door,’ he snapped. ‘I want to talk to you.’
‘Who’s looking after the cafe while you’re following me all around Glasswater?’ I knew I was heading into dangerous territory, but it felt as if I’d been dancing on a knife’s edge for so long that I wanted to make something happen, even if it meant provoking him for a response that’d give me a reason to end it for good.
‘None of your fucking business. Let me in.’
There was no affection in his voice now, no attempt to soften his tone or turn on the charm. The danger rose from him like steam. He wasn’t going to leave. ‘I’ll call the police if you won’t go.’
He laughed. ‘The police, Layla? Do you really think they’re going to take you seriously? Everyone in this town knows what you’re like now. All I’d have to do is tell them how obsessed you are with me, how determined you were to ruin my marriage, how I came around here to ask you to leave me alone, but you keep making up these lies like the dirty little slut that you are.’
Desperation flooded me. ‘Why are you being like this?’
‘Because you’re mine!’ He slammed both his hands against the screen door, making it rattle furiously.
My heart felt as though it would leap out of my chest. ‘I was never yours. I never will be.’
His mouth twisted. ‘You think you’re so much better than everyone, but you’re just a boring, ugly little bitch, and you belong in the gutter.’
And finally, I realised the truth. How had I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt when he’d given me so many demonstrations of the violence inside him? That look in his eyes … a man like that wasn’t capable of love. And there was nothing I’d ever be able to do to change that. It wasn’t my fault.
‘I want you to leave.’ My voice was shaking uncontrollably, but I had to get the words out; I had to make him understand that this was the end. ‘I never want to see you again.’
‘I won’t give up, you know. Just when you think it’s all over, I’ll be there. Pow!’ He punched the screen door level with my face. I jumped back in terror and slammed the door closed.
I waited there, in front of the door, holding my breath, until I heard his footsteps receding. After a minute, I went into Mum and Dad’s room and peered through the curtains onto our front yard. Scott was stalking back down the path, alternately shaking his right hand and glancing down at his bloodied knuckles.
When he’d got in his car and driven away, and I was certain he wasn’t coming back, I ran around the house to make sure all the windows and doors were locked. My breath was coming in gasps.
I went to my bedroom and sat on my bed, hugging my knees to my chest. There was one thing I was certain of: if I kept going back to him, one day he would kill me. If I wanted to be rid of him – really rid of him – I was going to have to take drastic action.
NOW
Layla sat in the car outside Jodie’s house for a long time, until the air-conditioned interior of the car gave way to suffocating heat. But still she couldn’t move. She’d never been inside the house, but she’d driven past it enough times as a lovesick teenager for it to be imprinted on her memory: cream brick, dark-brown tiled roof, two matching windows with lace curtains. The only difference was the ramp that now ran down the front of the house up to the door. The sight of it sent a shockwave over her. Somehow, she’d blocked out the reality of the situation, what she’d been responsible for, but seeing this, right in front of her eyes, changed the whole dynamic of her visit.
At ten past ten, one of the curtains twitched aside for a second, then the front door swung open to reveal the woman who had been stalking her dreams for the last month. She was still beautiful. Her high cheekbones preserved the look of youth that many younger women hungered after, and before she could prevent it, jealousy stabbed into Layla, followed by a wave of self-loathing. She was despicable. She unclicked her seatbelt and got out of the car, her shirt clinging to the sweat on her back.
Jodie crossed her arms as Layla approached. ‘How long have you been sitting out here?’
‘A while,’ Layla admitted. She peered over Jodie’s shoulder into the interior of the house.
Jodie glanced behind her, then back to Layla. ‘Don’t worry, he’s not here. He’s been in permanent care for a few months now.’
‘Oh.’ The relief almost knocked Layla to her knees. ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘Oh, give me a break,’ Jodie sneered. ‘You wouldn’t know how to be sorry.’
Layla wilted under her gaze, unable to respond.
Jodie shook her head. ‘Well, come in, then.’ She turned, and Layla followed her into the living room. ‘Want a coffee?’
‘Yes, please.’ Though the gap in their ages had closed with time, Layla still felt like a schoolgirl in the presence of the latent anger that simmered within this woman. She sat down on the worn leather couch, wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans as Jodie disappeared to make the coffee.<
br />
‘How do you take it?’ Jodie called from the kitchen.
‘White, no sugar, please.’
Layla fiddled with the strap of her handbag as the hiss of the kettle from the next room rose to a low roar. Too late she realised it was going to be instant coffee. She hadn’t drunk instant in years and she didn’t like it, but she’d look totally up herself if she changed her mind now. And Jodie’s hostility had cast a pall of authority over the house that she didn’t feel qualified to question. She could serve her a cup of cat piss and Layla would probably still drink it.
Jodie returned and handed her a steaming mug. It scalded Layla’s hand, but she ignored the pain until she could take hold of the handle. ‘Thanks.’
Jodie sat down opposite her and watched as she took a sip. ‘Thanks for coming.’
‘I’m sorry I put it off for so long.’
Her stern expression didn’t falter. ‘How was the reunion last night?’
Layla realised with a sense of surprise that, despite the resentment that emanated from her, Jodie was as nervous as she was. ‘It was good, actually. I’m glad I went. I thought everyone was still going to hate me. But they didn’t.’
Jodie gave a low laugh. ‘Oh, things have changed around here over the years, believe me. You’d know that if you hadn’t run off.’
‘I went to uni,’ Layla said in a small voice.
A sceptical sound escaped Jodie’s lips. ‘Oh, come on. Four months early, with your entire family? Right after you set fire to our cafe?’
So, it’d begun.
THEN
On Sunday morning, I drove into the main street and parked my car on the Esplanade. Most of the shops were closed today, other than Keen’s, and that didn’t open until eleven. The main street was dead, aside from the occasional person out walking their dog. I’d never returned my cafe key to Scott, so once I was sure no one was around, I unlocked the front door and slipped inside.
I only had the skeleton of a plan in my head. All I knew was that I needed to create a distraction big enough for Scott to forget about me, at least until I could get out of Glasswater Bay. The cafe was the only thing he seemed to care about, so that was the most logical thing to target. Nothing too serious. Nothing that would hurt anyone. I pushed through the door into the kitchen and assessed my options. It would have to look like an accident, or he – and the police – would come after me. I could switch on one of the gas burners, but it wasn’t conceivable that Dave would’ve left it on, nor that no one would’ve noticed before closing last night. And if I left it on without igniting it, the whole kitchen would fill with gas, and when Dave got here on Monday morning and went to light the stove, the flames would blow up in his face. I couldn’t do that to him.
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