by Holly Martin
When we spoke on the phone and you asked if you could bring your pets, I had no idea you meant a dog, a goat, a hamster, a rat, a snake, a tarantula and a parrot. Oh and a goldfish, I just spotted him on top of the TV. Oh and a tortoise too, I didn’t notice him because he was covered in parcel tape.
I’m sorry I wasn’t kind about Frank; I do have a bit of a spider phobia. It doesn’t make sense, we are so much bigger than them, but then phobias aren’t rational. Some people are scared of heights, or closed spaces, some people even have a phobia of beards or cheese. I think being scared of something with eight hairy legs and fangs makes more sense than being scared of a block of cheese from Asda.
Could I ask that you tether your goat in the garden so he can’t reach the plants in the borders? I want Hugo to enjoy his holiday too but I see that he has taken a liking to some of the flowers already and I would like my garden to be enjoyed by future guests. Could you also keep an eye on Derek for the same reasons? And it might be an idea to keep your pets indoors at night. As I said we have a lot of foxes around here and I would hate for any more of your beloved pets to meet the same fate as my chickens or poor Gabriel.
Annie Butterworth
I UNDERSTAND YOUR PHOBIA, NOT EVERYONE CAN BE AS LEVEL HEADED AS ME. THOUGH I DO HAVE A TERRIBLE PHOBIA OF CLING FILM, THOUGH I THINK THAT’S QUITE A RATIONAL FEAR.
I APPRECIATE YOUR KINDNESS OVER ALLOWING MY PETS TO STAY, NOT MANY HOTELS OR HOLIDAY COTTAGES ARE AS PATIENT OR KIND. I WILL DO MY BEST TO ENSURE DEREK AND HUGO DON’T EAT ALL YOUR LOVELY FLOWERS. I’VE TOLD THEM NOT TO AND NORMALLY THEY ARE QUITE OBEDIENT.
AS FOR THE FOXES, NONE OF MY ANIMALS WILL BE OUTSIDE AFTER DARK. APART FROM MIRANDA, FRANK, LEONARD AND GOLDIE ALL THE OTHER ANIMALS WILL BE SLEEPING IN THE BED WITH ME. DON’T WORRY, THEY’RE ALL PERFECTLY HOUSE TRAINED.
STRANGE. ANNIE HAS JUST READ MY MESSAGE AND WALKED AWAY LAUGHING TO HERSELF. NOT QUITE SURE WHAT’S SO FUNNY.
SUNDAY:
ANOTHER LOVELY DAY AT THE BEACH TODAY WITH MY PETS. I FEEL LIKE THE PIED PIPER SOMETIMES WITH THE CHILDREN THAT HANG AROUND, STROKING AND PLAYING WITH ALL THE ANIMALS.
HAVE JUST LIT A FIRE AS HUGO AND STAN LOVE CURLING UP IN FRONT OF IT. POOR DEREK IS HAVING A REALLY ROUGH WEEKEND. SOMEHOW HE GOT TOO CLOSE TO THE FLAMES AND THE PARCEL TAPE CAUGHT FIRE. I ONLY JUST MANAGED TO PUT IT OUT IN TIME BEFORE IT SPREAD. NOW HIS SHELL IS LOOKING A BIT BLACK AND SINGED. LEONARD KEEPS LAUGHING AT HIM AND TELLING HIM HE’S AN IDIOT.
MONDAY:
HAD A LOVELY WEEKEND AND ALL THE ANIMALS HAD A GREAT TIME TOO. WELL APART FROM DEREK AND POOR GABRIEL. WE’LL COME AGAIN SOON.
We’d be glad to have you back any time.
**********
Annie are you mad? I would think that now Mrs Cumblewick has left you’d be slamming the proverbial stable door and never having her back again. You moan about Mrs Applecroft being rude but you open your arms to the entire freaky menagerie of Mrs Cumblewick?
Well once I’d got over the shock of seeing a tarantula in Willow Cottage, I was ok with it. Admittedly a woman who sleeps in the same bed as a three legged goat, a half blind dog, a hamster and a tortoise with a cracked shell is clearly madder than a box of frogs but as she quite rightly pointed out they were all house trained.
In some ways animals are easier to deal with than rude customers. Apart from their fondness for eating each other they generally seem to be quite civil.
Apart from Leonard. It seems poor David Lambeth was the policeman that Leonard swore at down at the beach the other day. I think David was quite embarrassed.
Ah a foul mouthed parrot is the least of my worries. I’d rather that than rude customers.
It’s nice to see the smile back on your face again after all the stress with Olly over the last few weeks. I know we haven’t spoken about it for a while, but have you had any more thoughts about the will?
Yes. I’m not doing anything about it and I expect you to keep your promise and not tell Olly either. Nick had no right to leave it to Olly in the will and after Olly’s attitude the last time he was here, he certainly isn’t having it.
Have you spoken to him at all?
No.
Have you?
A bit. He’s miserable.
Of his own making.
I know.
Damn it, I don’t want him to be miserable.
Tell him about the will, please.
No, absolutely not.
**********
8th - 11th August
Gladys Clearwater and Madge Ambrose
Friday:
We are here for the Eastern regional championships of the Great Cake Baking Challenge. We have left the men at home to fend for themselves and we have come to represent the town of Beccles.
The regional championships take place every year in the town of the previous year’s winner. Last year’s winner, a Sophia Lorenzo, comes from this neck of the woods and so we find ourselves here.
Of course we won our town’s qualifying round and the Suffolk County Championships and now we are here ready to take part in the regional championships.
Gladys.
MAY I JUST REMIND YOU THAT WE GOT THIS FAR LAST YEAR ONLY TO BE PIPPED TO THE POST AT THE LAST SECOND.
MADGE.
Yes but this year we have the secret ingredient.
GLADYS!! WE ARE USING COLA; THERE IS NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THAT.
Of course not.
I’ve just been reading back over some of the comments in this book. It seems we have entered the camp of the enemy. Sophia Lorenzo is a cleaner here and a very good friend of the landlady Annie Butterworth. We will have to watch our backs.
Hi Ladies.
Just popped by to see how you’re settling in. I hope you do really well in the competition on Sunday. I know Sophia is looking forward to it too. I’m sure you’re only joking about ‘the enemy’s camp’. There are no enemies here, just lots of fantastic cooks taking part in a friendly cake competition. If you want me to trial any of your cakes tomorrow then I’d be more than happy to be the guinea pig.
MMMM SO YOU CAN STEAL ALL OUR IDEAS, I DON’T THINK SO.
Madge, Annie is right. Of course Sophia is not our mortal enemy. We’d be happy to let you have a try of our competition entry tomorrow if there’s any going spare.
We have a big day tomorrow refining our entry for Sunday, so we’re off to bed now.
Saturday:
We’ve done this recipe so many times, we could do it in our sleep. We’re just going for a walk to clear our heads and talk tactics before we make the final piece.
Ladies, Annie told me you were entering in the regional finals tomorrow. Just popped by to wish you both luck. I’ve had cola cakes in the past but I’ve never had one I’ve enjoyed before. I’m sure yours will be different though. Of course I didn’t win the National championships last year but I did come second and I got a free night at the Hilton in London. It would be lovely to see you at the Nationals this year, it’s a shame only one of us can win at the Regionals tomorrow.
Good Luck. Sophia
COW.
Madge!!
We have just finished making two cakes from the same batch. We will trial one and if it’s not good enough we have time to make a second batch.
I’ve been called over to test the Apple and Cola cake. It smells delicious and I can’t wait to try it.
Annie
Oh, the cake tastes fantastic, it’s so yummy.
Just had my second slice and the ladies are so lovely to talk to. They make me laugh a lot.
Third slice before I go. It’s so moreish.
We are off out for another walk now, but it seems we have done well.
I’ve just snuck back in. I can’t get enough of this cake. It’s soooo good.
The sky is so blue like the sea on a hot summer’s day. The clouds are all fluffy like candy floss. I’ve never noticed before just how green the leaves are outside. I feel like writing a poem about them.
The Green Leaves of We
lls
Chime in the wind like bells.
Ok, I’ve never been good at poetry before but that is pure brilliance.
Just one more slice of cake then I must go and see William and the cows.
I’ve just phoned Olly, he didn’t answer so I spoke to his answerphone. I told him I loved him and wanted lots of his babies. He’s going to be so mad when he gets that message. I can’t stop laughing about it.
I’ve just phoned him again and told him he was a pompous git and that he needed to remove his head from his rather gorgeous arse and see the bigger picture. I think he might be mad about that too.
I’ve just been wondering around Willow Cottage. It feels quite naughty as if I’m snooping around someone else’s home even though it’s mine. It really is a lovely cottage; Nick would have been so pleased with what I have done with it.
Oh My God! There is a hole in the downstairs bathroom, it’s only small but if you lie down on the floor you can see right through to my bathroom next door. You can see the whole of the shower and the sink and the toilet. Thankfully I don’t use that bathroom very often, as I have a rather posh en-suite upstairs. Must remember to seal it up so I don’t have any peeping toms.
Olly just phoned me back. He accused me of being drunk. Cheeky sod, it’s only two-o-clock in the afternoon. I told him he was a rude and arrogant arse. I also told him he wasn’t having it no matter what Nick says. Though Olly didn’t know what ‘IT’ was that he wasn’t having. I told him it was mine and he wouldn’t have it if he begged for it. I read him some of my rather brilliant poetry and then he got all stern and asked what I had been taking. After that I hung up. He phoned me back twice but I didn’t answer. He’s going to be properly mad. It’s so funny.
Sophia has just phoned me too to ask if I’m drunk. She is somewhere else today. She did say when I saw her this morning. But for the life of me I can’t remember. Olly has obviously rung her to get her to check on me. Stupid arse. Why on earth would I be drunk? I feel great.
I do feel tired actually. I might go for a kip. Just one more slice before I go to bed.
Oh dear. Luckily the judges will only be having one slice tomorrow.
IT DOES SEEM THAT THE CAKE IS QUITE ADDICTIVE. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OUR LITTLE OLD APPLE AND COLA CAKE WOULD HAVE SUCH AN EFFECT?
Sunday:
The day of the competition. Our wonderful cake will soon wipe the smile off Sophia Lorenzo’s face.
WE HAVE TO BE THERE SHORTLY SO WE BETTER PACK UP OUR CAKE AND HEAD DOWN THERE.
Oh God! Woke up this morning with a banging headache after passing out seemingly for over nineteen hours. Have just thrown up as if it was an Olympic event. I can only assume there was something dodgy about that cake. After eating it, the afternoon passed in a blurry haze. I’ve just rushed round to tell the ladies that I had some severe kind of food poisoning from it so they don’t take it to the cake competition but they’ve already left.
Crap! Just read my messages from yesterday which I have no recollection of writing. I phoned Olly? I don’t even remember doing that, let alone what I said. Though from my previous messages it clearly wasn’t good. Where the hell is my mobile phone? I need to apologise to him.
Have just found it in the fridge! Twelve answerphone messages, eleven very rude ones from Olly so there’s no way I’m apologising now. One concerned message from Sophia. I have a vague recollection of her checking on me last night.
I need to get down to the cake competition to stop the judges and other competitors from getting food poisoning like I did.
Monday:
Just here to clean Willow Cottage after the fiasco that was the cake competition yesterday.
Gladys and Madge entered their Apple and Cola cake which was tested by a panel of three judges. They loved it and decreed them the winner. The other competitors also tasted it and loved it. I, thankfully, declined to try it.
Unfortunately one bite was seemingly not enough and by the time Annie turned up there was a crowd of people around the cake like flies round shit, jostling and pushing each other so they could have a second, third and fourth slice. Soon a fight broke out. Eleanor McGrew, one of the judges, ended up with a broken nose. Kevin Peterson got a black eye. The police had to break it up. When they realised that the fight was over the cake they knew something was suspicious.
With Annie’s version of events added to the mix, it was quite obvious that they were dealing with Cannabis or something similar.
Gladys and Madge were arrested for possession of drugs. They were bailed and have just returned rather shame faced to the cottage to collect their things. As there was no cake left there is no hard evidence against them and it’s likely that the charges will be dropped.
What’s worse was that the judging panel obviously disqualified their cake from the competition but were too stoned or beaten up to be able to declare a new winner which would obviously have been mine. It’s a shambles!
There is going to be a new Eastern Regional Championship later on in the year. Thankfully, Gladys and Madge will not be allowed to enter.
And you thought I was drunk! Cheek!
To be fair, anyone talking to you yesterday would have thought that, you were giggly and saying all sorts of silly things. I have phoned Olly to explain the reason behind your madness. I believe he has phoned you to apologise?
You should have heard the rude messages that he left for me on Saturday. He can stick his apology up his arse.
You did tell him you loved him and wanted lots of his babies.
Unfortunately, that part is true.
Oh Annie!
I also told him he’s never having it, and I stand by that.
And yes I’m well aware you’re rolling your eyes at me right now.
**********
16th - 23rd August
The Meechams AND MAX?
WE HAVE A NEW DOG CALLED MAX. HE IS A COCK SPANUL AND HAS BIG FLAPPY CURLY EARS. WE ARE GOING TO TAKE HIM TO THE BEACH LATER. IT WILL BE HIS FIRST TIME HE HAS SEEN THE SEA. I THINK HE IS VERY EXCITED.
MEGAN AGED 7
Erm Cocker Spaniel.
Ben Meecham Aged 37 ½
DADDY, ADULTS DON’T PUT THEIR AGES AFTER THEIR NAMES, ONLY CHILDREN DO.
Sorry pickle.
SUNDAY:
MAX LOVED THE BEACH YESTERDAY. HE KEPT RUNNING OUT INTO THE SEA AND THEN RUNNING BACK IN WHEN THE WAVES CAME IN AND BARKING AT THEM. HE DUG BIG HOLES IN THE SAND AND SPRAYED SAND ALL OVER OUR ICE CREAM. ISABELLE PUT HER ICE CREAM IN MAX’S FUR BUT DADDY JUST TOOK MAX INTO THE SEA TO WASH HIM AND WHEN HE CAME BACK HE SHOOK WATER ALL OVER US AND THEN DADDY DID THE SAME.
TODAY WE WENT FOR A WALK AROUND THE RIVERS AND MAX JUMPED IN AND GOT ALL MUDDY THEN HE JUMPED UP AT MUMMY AND GOT MUDDY PAW PRINTS ON HER JEANS. MUMMY DIDN’T MIND BUT DADDY SAID MAX WOULD HAVE TO HAVE LESSONS WHEN WE GO BACK HOME. I WONDER HOW GOOD HE IS AT MATHS. MRS DUNSTON MY TEACHER SAYS I AM VERY GOOD AT MATHS. I CAN DO SUMS LIKE 45 + 45 = 90 AND I KNOW THAT IT EQUALS 90 VERY FAST. MY AUNTY HOLLY SAYS I HAVE BIG BRAINS. BUT MY BRAIN CAN’T BE BIGGER THAN THE OTHER CHILDREN BECAUSE THEN I WOULD HAVE A BIG HEAD. DID YOU KNOW THAT THE EGJIPTIANS THOUGHT BRAINS WERE USELESS AND LET THE CATS EAT THEM BUT OTHER ORGANS THEY PUT IN JARS LIKE BIG JAM JARS CALLED CANOPIC JARS. WE MADE ONE AT SCHOOL AND MINE HAD A DOG HEAD ON IT LIKE MAX. DOGS ARE CALLED JACKALS IN EGJIPT.
MONDAY:
MAX RAN NEXT DOOR TODAY AS THE GATE BETWEEN OUR GARDEN AND ANNIE’S GARDEN WAS LEFT OPEN AND HE PUT MUDDY PAW PRINTS UP HER WINDOWS. I THOUGHT SHE MIGHT SHOUT AT MAX WHEN SHE CAME OUT BUT SHE WAS STROKING HIM ALL OVER AND HE WAS WAGGING HIS TAIL SO HARD THAT HIS HOLE BODY WAS WAGGING. DADDY SAID HE WAS VERY SORRY AND HE SAID THAT HE WOULD CLEAN THE WINDOWS AND WHEN HE DID HE KEPT LOOKING FOR MR BUTTERWORTH WHO WE MET LAST TIME BUT ANNIE SAID THAT HE WASN’T HERE AND DADDY WAS REALLY DISSAPPOINTED. I’M VERY DISSAPPOINTED TOO. MR BUTTERWORTH IS A WRITER AND I WANTED TO SHOW HIM MY STORY. HE SAID HE WOULD READ IT THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE AND I BROUGHT IT UP HERE SPECIALLY.
/> Tuesday:
I hope you’re all settled in. Megan if you want to give me your story I can fax it over to Olly, Mr Butterworth for him to see.
JUST BEEN NEXT DOOR WITH ANNIE. SHE TOOK MY STORY AND POSTED IT THROUGH A MACHINE. IT CAME OUT THE OTHER END. SHE SAID THE MACHINE HAD TAKEN A PHOTO OF MY STORY AND SENT THE PHOTO TO MR BUTTERWORTH’S FAX MACHINE. ANNIE SAID HIS FAX MACHINE WOULD THEN PRINT IT OUT EXACTLY THE SAME AS MY STORY AND EVEN WITH ALL THE PICTURES. ANNIE ALSO WROTE A NOTE TO SEND TO MR BUTTERWORTH TOO. SHE SAID THE STORY WAS FROM HIS YOUNGEST FAN. WHEN I ASKED WHAT A FAN WAS SHE SAID DADDY WAS A FAN OF MR BUTTERWORTH BECAUSE HE LIKED HIS BOOKS. I’VE SEEN MR BUTTERWORTH’S BOOKS. ONE HAD A PICTURE OF SOMETHING WEIRD ON THE FRONT. IT WAS A DOOR WITH RED PAINT COMING OUT FROM UNDERNEATH. DADDY SAID IT WAS RED PAINT BUT THEN MUMMY GAVE HIM THAT LOOK SHE GIVES HIM WHEN HE IS TELLING LIES. I WONDER WHY MR BUTTERWORTH IS NOT HERE. MUMMY SAID THAT MR BUTTERWORTH WASN’T REALLY ANNIE’S HUSBAND BUT HE WAS HER HUSBAND’S BROTHER WHICH IS WHY THEY HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME. MUMMY SAID THAT HER HUSBAND HAD DIED AND THAT HER HUSBAND’S BROTHER OLIVER HAD LIED ABOUT HIM BEING HER HUSBAND BECAUSE SOMETIMES IT IS EASIER TO LIE TO CHILDREN THAN EXPLAIN THE TRUTH. I SAID THAT MR BUTTERWORTH THE ONE THAT IS STILL ALIVE SHOULD MARRY ANNIE AND MUMMY SAID THAT IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT BECAUSE WHEN YOU GET MARRIED BOTH PEOPLE NEED TO LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH. BUT LAST TIME WE WERE HERE MR BUTTERWORTH, THE ALIVE ONE, KEPT GIVING ANNIE LOOKS THE SAME LOOKS THAT DADDY GIVES MUMMY THAT SHOWS THAT DADDY LOVES MUMMY MORE THAN CHOCOLATE. DADDY LOVES CHOCOLATE VERY MUCH.