by Holly Martin
If you want you and Mia can always come round and play with my new puppy Dash. I’m trying to train him but it’s not working that well. Maybe you can help me.
Thanks for letting us play with Dash today. He is very cute, he even made Daddy smile for a few seconds.
SATURDAY:
TIME FOR SOME QUALITY FAMILY TIME ON THE BEACH.
WE HAVE HAD A LOVELY DAY AT THE BEACH, MAKING SANDCASTLES, EATING ICE CREAM AND PLAYING IN THE SEA. THE GIRLS WERE TEACHING ME HOW TO BODY BOARD. I FORGET SOMETIMES HOW MUCH FUN THE GIRLS ARE AND I NEED TO REMEMBER THAT THEY NEED THAT. I’M SO GLAD WE CAME. IN ACTUAL FACT IT HAS BEEN QUITE CATHARTIC. WE HAVE SPENT TIME TODAY TALKING ABOUT CARA AND THE HAPPY MEMORIES WE HAVE OF THIS PLACE. WE NEED TO REMEMBER THOSE TOO AND NOT JUST FOCUS ON HOW MUCH WE MISS HER.
Movie night now. Finding Nemo, Lion King and Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire. We are sharing a big bowl of popcorn and sitting underneath the duvet together on the sofa.
AND CHOKLUT BUTENS.
MIA XXXXXXX
THE GIRLS ARE IN BED NOW AFTER OUR MARATHON MOVIE SESSION. I FEEL I CAN BREATHE HERE. I THINK I’VE BEEN HOLDING MY BREATH FOR THE LAST YEAR AND NOW I CAN FINALLY LET IT GO. FOR THE FIRST TIME TODAY, THE PAIN IN MY CHEST HAS LESSENED SLIGHTLY. THE GIRLS ARE A PART OF THAT, THEIR CONTINUED LOVE AND SUPPORT. ANNIE IS A PART OF IT TOO. SHE HAS BEEN SO KIND, SO SUPPORTIVE. WHEN I’VE TALKED TO HER SHE REALLY LISTENS. I THINK IT’S AS IMPORTANT FOR ME TO GET SOME QUALITY TIME THIS WEEKEND AS IT IS FOR ME TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH THE GIRLS.
SUNDAY:
WE WENT TO SEE THE SEALS THIS MORNING, THE GIRLS AND CARA LOVED IT LAST TIME WE WERE HERE, THEIR ENTHUSIASM FOR IT HASN’T WANED ANY. SPENT SOME MORE TIME ON THE BEACH TODAY. WE MADE SAND ANGELS IN THE WET SAND. CARA USED TO LOVE DOING THAT. MIA SAID THAT SHE THOUGHT MUMMY WOULD BE WATCHING US FROM HEAVEN AND SMILING THAT WE DID THAT. IF THERE IS A HEAVEN THEN I BET SHE IS TOO.
THE GIRLS ARE IN BED NOW. THIS WEEKEND HAS BEEN SO GOOD FOR THEM. IT’S BEEN GOOD FOR US ALL. I THINK WE WILL COME AGAIN, BUT NOT WAIT UNTIL NEXT YEAR THIS TIME; MAYBE WE CAN MAKE THIS A REGULAR EVENT.
I’M ENJOYING A GLASS OF WINE. I HAVEN’T DRUNK ANYTHING SINCE CARA DIED, I DIDN’T WANT TO FALL INTO THE TRAP OF THINKING THAT ALCOHOL WOULD TAKE THE PAIN AWAY. THE GIRLS NEED ME; THEY DON’T NEED A DEPRESSIVE DRUNK.
ANNIE IS IN HER GARDEN ALSO ENJOYING A GLASS OF WINE. I’LL INVITE HER IN TO SHARE ONE WITH ME. THERE IS SOMETHING QUITE SAD ABOUT DRINKING ALONE.
MONDAY:
ANNIE I’M SO SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT. IT SEEMS MY TOLERANCE FOR ALCOHOL HAS COMPLETELY GONE IF I’M DRUNK AFTER JUST TWO GLASSES. I’M SORRY I KISSED YOU. YOU’VE JUST BEEN SO SWEET AND YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY GETS WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH. I THINK I THOUGHT, I DON’T KNOW, THAT MAYBE WE COULD HELP EACH OTHER. I THINK I WAS JUST FEELING A BIT NEEDY. I HOPE THIS WON’T AFFECT OUR FRIENDSHIP.
Daddy! You kissed Annie? Are you two going to get married? Annie is lovely but I’m not sure I want a new Mommy yet.
HONEY, NO. ME AND ANNIE ARE NOT GOING TO GET MARRIED. I WAS JUST FEELING A BIT SAD AND REACHED OUT TO ANNIE FOR COMFORT. WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS PROPERLY.
Matt, I just came round to see if you were ok after last night. Please don’t worry about kissing me. Of course it won’t affect our friendship.
You are a wonderful, very handsome, sweet and kind man. The way you are with the girls is amazing. Under normal circumstances I would certainly be kissing you back.
I’m sort of seeing someone and although it’s very early days I really think this is the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. He has put a huge smile back on my face, one which hasn’t really been there for over two years. I love him. I’m sorry. I hope one day you will find the right woman that will put the smile back on your face too.
Emily, I’m sure Daddy has explained this to you but we are just friends and sometimes friends do hug and kiss each other. I promise you we won’t get married. But one day Daddy might find someone he can love again, someone he can marry. I hope you can love her too, because she would have to be very special to deserve someone as lovely as your Daddy.
THANKS ANNIE. I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR YOU AND YOUR MAN.
Thanks Annie, we will see you and Dash soon.
I LOVE DASH XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
**********
20th - 24th October
Oliver Butterworth Black
What’s this? I’ve been gone for one weekend and already you’ve been kissing another man. What about the fit man that you are ‘sort of’ seeing? How do you think he feels about this?
I would hope that he would be mature enough to realise that I didn’t kiss Matt; he kissed me, that’s two very different things. I would hope that, unlike you, he wouldn’t act like a complete child. Matt has lost his wife, and I don’t know if you remember what that feels like, the pain of losing someone you love, but I do. I know that after Nick died I just wanted to be held, to be cuddled, to be stroked, because if I could feel that, then I knew I was still alive. I knew that if there was someone in this world that cared enough for me to hold me in his arms for six months then there was actually something worth living for. Matt doesn’t have that. He has his girls, but it’s not the same. Besides you will see, if you bothered to read the rest of Matt’s messages, that I said the reason I didn’t kiss him back was because I’m in love with the man I’m ‘sort of’ seeing.
Sorry. I didn’t mean… I’m sorry x
Apology accepted. Now if you’ve finished sulking I have a problem in my bedroom you might be able to help me with.
Ok, ok, I’m coming…
Tuesday:
Things are going very well lately. Better than well. The high point of my life.
Things getting better with Vivienne then?
No, sadly that isn’t going well.
The sales of your latest book? I see you got excellent reviews for Veiled in Darkness. You must be really pleased.
Yes I am pleased. Yes of course that’s what I’m talking about.
Stop grinning at me or I’ll give you something to wipe the smile off your face.
I can’t help it, you make me laugh.
How are things with your new man? I haven’t met him yet, he does seem to stay away when I’m around. Is he scared of me?
Things are good. He’s just very busy.
What is it that he does?
Don’t start.
I’m interested.
He’s my personal trainer.
Oh he’s the one that’s making you ache, making you do all that exercise.
Yep, he makes me work up a sweat.
Urgh, I wish I hadn’t asked.
Wednesday:
Saw Annie with a very fit man this morning. Looks like he works out a lot. Wonder if this is her new mystery man.
That was Barney, not so much my new man, more my old one.
He didn’t look very old. He looked very, very good looking.
Barney? Yes he is. But the man I’m with is much better looking than him.
Better looking than Barney. Good lord, the man must be a God!
Some say so, yes.
I like what you did there.
And in the bedroom my new man is amazing, I doubt Barney could compete.
Sounds like you’re only with him because of his body and the sex. There’s more to a relationship than that.
You’re right. Maybe I’ll tell him that next time I see him. No sex for a month to see if we are compatible in other areas too.
I think that’s a bit hasty.
No it’s a wonderful idea, I’m sure as hell going to miss the sex but if we’re going to work then we have to know that we can talk, spend time together that’s not just about the physical. Thanks Olly.
Why are you scowling?
Thursday:
I’ve cheered up a bit now after our conversation yesterday.
I bet you have.
As Hetty is coming to stay this weekend for my Dad’s birthday
, can I stay in your spare room? I’ll pay you rent if you like.
You are welcome to stay and you can pay me in other ways. I’ve got lots of little jobs that need doing around the house. The dining room table needs looking at, as does the shower, the floor boards in front of the fire are a bit wobbly and I still have that problem in the bedroom. The stairs too, I need you to look at the stairs.
The stairs? Really?
Yes!
**********
24th - 27th October
Hetty O’Donahue
I’m here for William’s birthday. Not a big one like me, he’s only a babby in comparison to my age, so no big party, just a meal out with close family and friends.
He’s only two years younger than you; he’s hardly a toy boy.
Are you excited to see him?
It’s William. He’s one of my oldest, dearest friends. I wouldn’t say I’m excited.
Really? Last time you were here, he told you he liked you, you seemed pretty excited about that.
Ok I am excited, a bit. But he’s hardly going to grab me and kiss me, he’s just not the grabbing sort. We’re both getting on a bit now, I can’t wait another twenty years for him to do something.
You could always grab him.
Oliver
Oh Olly, I’m an old fashioned girl at heart, a girl likes to feel loved, to be wooed. I want to feel that he loves me so much that he will walk over hot coals to tell me, not just shrug and think because we’re both single and get on ok we might as well be together.
He does love you Hetty. But you’re right he’s not the grabbing sort.
Like father, like son eh? When are you going to grab Annie and put aside this nonsense of betraying Nick?
Erm… Me and Annie are just friends. She’s with someone who she loves and I’m with Vivienne.
Rubbish. You two belong together.
Hetty, I can’t tell you much about the guy I’m with, at least not yet, and I wish I could, but I love him and boy did he grab me and show me how much he loved me. You need to hold out for that. Don’t settle for William if that’s not what the heart wants.
Oi! That’s my Dad.
I love William dearly, but you should never settle. Life is too short to waste it with someone you don’t love. Like you and I, Hetty and William will be friends for ever, nothing will change that, but true love doesn’t come around very often. You don’t want to miss it when it does come round because you are too busy with the person you settled for.
I wouldn’t be settling for William. I love him, I really do, but if I am going to be with him, I need to know that he feels the same way.
You love him?
Oh shut up.
Annie was that a dig at me?
Why would it be a dig at you?
About us?
No. There is no us. I’m with my man who I love very much and you’re with Vivienne. Plus you also have this other woman who lives in America.
Oh what a tangled web we weave.
You’re a writer; you’re supposed to be better than this at keeping track of all the twists and turns in the plot.
My life seems a lot more complicated at the moment. I’m not sure what I am allowed to say and what I’m not.
Then say nothing at all and come and help me with my problem.
The one in the bedroom again.
If you like.
Annie!!!
Have I missed something?
Saturday:
Going for a long walk with Sophia on the beach now. We are not, repeat NOT going to talk about William.
Yes we bloody well are.
Heading out shortly for William’s birthday meal. I’ve changed my outfit three times. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. I’m sure nothing will happen. We’ll have our meal, we will all chat and there may be some dancing afterwards. William might look at me wistfully but that’s as far as it will go. So why am I getting butterflies in my stomach.
Sunday:
I erm… not really sure what to write here. I guess I should be honest and say that the walls between Willow Cottage and mine are very thin. I’m guessing, by the noises I heard last night that William not only grabbed you and told you he loved you but he grabbed you several times over.
I’m so happy for you, a little embarrassed, but very, very happy for you.
The walls are thin aren’t they? I felt so sorry for Olly having to lie in your spare room and listen to you and your new man go at it hammer and tongs. I know you’re trying to prove a point to Olly, I guess you’re trying to make him jealous, but think how much you are hurting him by carrying on like that. I honestly expected more of you than that.
And yes, William did tell me he loved me last night. I told him I was going to travel the world and he told me he would come with me. It turns out he does love me more than he loves his cows after all.
Hetty, I’m happy for Annie that she has found someone she loves again, I really am. Nothing has made me happier over the last few weeks than to see Annie walking round with a huge smile on her face. And after accidentally hearing my own Dad in the throes of passion last night, I put ear plugs in so I certainly didn’t hear Annie and her new man. I’m happy for you too Hetty, you both deserve it.
Oliver
I’m flying out to New York tonight for a few days to do some book stuff, so I imagine you’ll be gone by the time I get back. Though I’ll guess I’ll see you soon. You guys aren’t thinking of travelling until the new year are you?
Oliver
There’s stuff to sort out here first, not least our wedding, so it’ll probably be March or April before we leave.
Hetty
Good. Annie has something important to tell you, but I think she will have to sit on it for a few more weeks until things have been finalised.
**********
1st - 8th November
Jessica Axe
I’M NOT GOING BACK. NO ONE CAN MAKE ME.
I FOUND THE NUMBER FOR THIS PLACE AMONGST MY HUSBAND’S THINGS. I WAS GOING TO CALL IT TO FIND OUT WHAT MY HUSBAND WAS DOING HERE. THEN IT ALL WENT WRONG AND WHEN I FLED THIS WAS THE ONLY NUMBER I HAD ON ME.
I’VE READ MY EX-HUSBAND’S PREVIOUS MESSAGES IN THIS BOOK, DESPITE HIDING UNDER THE GUISE OF MR AND MRS JONES, ANTHONY’S HANDWRITING IS VERY DISTINCTIVE. I CAN’T BELIEVE HE BROUGHT THAT WHORE HERE, HE NEVER TOOK ME ANYWHERE.
URGH I FEEL SICK THAT HE FUCKED HER ON THE DINING TABLE, IN THE SHOWER, IN THE BED.
COMING HERE WAS A MISTAKE.
THOUGH I CAN’T GO BACK. I CAN NEVER GO BACK.
HE HAD A PLAN; HE SAID SO IN THIS BOOK. AND I FELL FOR IT HOOK, LINE AND SINKER. THE PLAN INVOLVED HIS BEST FRIEND RYAN.
I HAD BEEN SO SAD FOR MONTHS. ANTHONY WAS NASTY, SNIDE, CONSTANTLY ATTACKING ME, VERBALLY NOT PHYSICALLY, THOUGH HE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE HIT ME FOR THE PAIN HE CAUSED. I CAN’T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE MADE LOVE. HE STAYED OUT LATE AT WORK, WENT AWAY ON BUSINESS AT THE WEEKENDS. OF COURSE I KNEW HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR I JUST COULDN’T PROVE IT. THE MORE HE PULLED AWAY AND THE MORE HE TOLD ME I WAS FAT AND UGLY, THE MORE DEPRESSED I BECAME.
RYAN SEEMED TO BE MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR. HE WOULD COME ROUND, FIRSTLY ON THE PRETEXT OF CALLING ON ANTHONY WHEN HE WAS AWAY, THEN HE WOULD STAY AND WE WOULD CHAT. LATER HE CAME WHEN HE KNEW ANTHONY WAS AWAY. WE WOULD CHAT FOR HOURS AND HE MADE ME FEEL BEAUTIFUL AGAIN. I HAD SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR. BUT THE WHOLE TIME I WAS BEING PLAYED.
WE SLEPT TOGETHER. GOD I WAS DESPERATE TO BE TOUCHED, TO BE LOVED AGAIN. LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT RYAN HAD VIDEOED THE WHOLE THING, THAT HE HAD BEEN ASKED TO COME ON TO ME SO THAT ANTHONY HAD GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ANTHONY’S SMUG FACE WHEN HE SERVED ME WITH THE DIVORCE PAPERS. HE THOUGHT HE HAD WON.
I SOON WIPED THE SMILE OFF HIS FACE. PERMANENTLY.
Hi Jessica. I just came by to see if you are ok. You came here so last minute and you sounded stressed when I spoke to you on the phone a few hours ago.
Annie Butterworth
I’M
FINE. NOT STRESSED AT ALL ACTUALLY.
I FEEL FREE.
Good. If you need anything, let me know. Or if you just need to chat…
SUNDAY.
CRAP. MY PICTURE IS ON THE NEWS. NO STORY YET ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, JUST THAT I’M MISSING AND PEOPLE ARE WORRIED. OF COURSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK FRIDAY AND SATURDAY AND I’VE NEVER CALLED IN SICK BEFORE LET ALONE JUST NOT TURNED UP. I BET IT WAS THAT NOSY COW BRENDA FROM HUMAN RESOURCES THAT CALLED THE POLICE.