He’d truly believed the distance would work to their advantage. But if he was honest, he realized it’d become easier to slip into his old ways. He dove deep into work, getting lost in endless code and the puzzles of unlocking each layer of his new project. Work was a shelter, a distraction, and a reminder that there was no emotional upheaval when he was focused.
Avery was a bright light in his drudging existence, and that fact scared the shit out of him. Because if he got used to her, what would happen to him if she left? Would he become exactly like his father—unable to cope, weak under the idea of love?
He wasn’t stupid. He knew she realized things weren’t the same, but he tried to cover it up, and when he finally retreated back to DC, he may have been empty, but God knew he was safe.
Jerking himself out of his computer mode, he picked up his phone. “Hey, sweetheart. How are you?”
Her voice vibrated with an undercurrent of tension. “Okay. I had to deal with a ring-bearer tantrum, and a fight between a best man and groomsman over a girl at a bar the night before. Nightmare.”
He pictured the roll of her eyes and smiled. “It’s always about a girl, right?”
Silence hummed over the line. “I don’t know, Carter. Is it?”
Her soft question seethed with the threat of a serious discussion. He tried to tamp it down, not sure he could handle in-depth questions tonight. “If it’s a woman as beautiful as you, then yes. Every time. How’s Zoe? Is she liking school?”
“The girl has a bigger social life than I do. Bella is driving her back and forth to playdates, and now she’s in dance lessons. Lady Gaga’s got nothing on our Zoe.”
He missed the little girl’s infectious giggles, and the way she ran to him with open trust. Who would’ve thought he could’ve gotten attached to them all so quickly? The fact only solidified his decision to take it slow. Yes, he had deep feelings for Avery and her family, but taking their time was key in controlling the overabundance of emotion. She’d told him she loved him so soon. Too soon?
“What about everyone else? Gabe texted me his promotion went through.”
“We announced it this week. He said he’d call you later. He wants to get you out here for a celebratory beer with Pierce.”
“Sounds good. I know our next scheduled meeting is October eleventh, but if I sink hard into this coding, I may be able to finish quicker and take a few extra days to spend with you.”
“I’m grateful I can be properly scheduled in,” she said tightly. “Have I now been relegated to a meeting status?”
“You know what I meant.” Annoyance flickered. “Are you tired? You seem . . . off.”
A humorless laugh came over the phone. “Funny you should ask. I’ve been thinking that this relationship has been a bit ‘off’ lately. You promised total honesty and openness, Carter. It was the only way to move forward with us, so I need to know. What’s really going on?”
Panic grabbed at his throat. She wanted to back out already. After only three weeks of being apart, she was ready to give up.
He should have known. Relationships were too hard. The path was filled with challenges and thorns that made you bleed. It was so much easier to be alone.
His voice chilled, and he felt the blessed numbness begin to come back, the same he’d experienced after seeing his father’s dead body. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “Are you trying to pick a fight? I thought things were fine. We had a good time this past weekend. We’re on the schedule for another visit in two weeks. Isn’t everything going according to our plan?”
“I’m not a damn plan, Carter! I’m not looking to fit nicely into the calendar of your life.” Her voice shook with intensity. “This summer, I fell in love with you. We were connected. But since you’ve gone back to DC, I feel this barrier between us, as if you’re afraid to let go. What are you scared of? That I’m too important? That I’ll wreck your orderly existence? Or that I’ll break your heart?”
He sucked in a breath. It was too much. Her words pushed and prodded and probed until he only wanted to protect the rawness inside. He reacted like a wounded animal being threatened. “Does saying you love someone make all the issues magically go away? You plan weddings and happily ever afters for people on a daily basis. Did you ever stop to think that it could all be an illusion—and that behind the curtain is disappointment? I’m trying to take it slow here, Avery. Let us catch our breath after an intense summer. Get to know one another on a regular basis to see if we fit. I’m not sure what else you want from me.”
“You’re not your father! He made his choices, and now it’s time for you to make yours—to live your own life. Can’t you see you’re punishing yourself for something that’s not your fault? That you’re strong enough to love someone and not lose yourself?”
The mention of his father made him shudder with rage. “The only thing I see is you trying to push me to say something I don’t feel,” he shot back. “Will those three words finally make you happy?”
The tiny gasp sliced through him.
His gut churned. He gripped the phone, wanting to take it all back, but he remained silent.
“I’m sorry,” she finally said. “You’re right.”
“Good. Now, are we still on for the eleventh?” He knew before she spoke he’d made a terrible mistake.
“No, Carter. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Avery, please—”
“You want to know what I want from you?” She spoke with a strength that humbled him, even as his heart shattered in his chest. “I want everything. Not pieces of you doled out in perfect proportions to keep things neat and tidy. I don’t just want to fit properly into your life. I want you to love me. I want you to take the leap with me and believe you’re strong enough to handle the flight, or the fall. But you won’t even try. And I can’t stay with someone who has given up before we’ve even begun.”
He shut down, sensing the end of something beautiful and good and hopeful, and he wondered if he’d ever know what it was like to be whole again.
“You’re breaking up with me,” he stated.
“I’m letting you go,” she corrected. “If I thought time and fighting for you would make a difference, God knows I’d do it. But you have to want all of me, and I don’t think you’re ready.” She paused and he held his breath. “I don’t think you’ll ever be ready.”
“I won’t chase after you.” His words dropped like hard stone between them, and he flinched, knowing he’d hurt her.
“I know,” she whispered. “I want you to be happy. You deserve . . . everything. Goodbye, Carter.”
The phone clicked.
He dropped it on the desk. Stared at the computer. And tried to tell himself it was the only way their relationship could have ended. It never would’ve worked. They’d had a magical summer, but real life proved it was all an illusion.
His hands trembled. Nausea punched his gut. His head swam. He wondered if he was getting sick, so he stumbled to the couch and lay down. Lucy sensed his distress and hopped up next to him, worriedly licking at his cheek. He cuddled her close, shutting his eyes, and telling himself not to think about it.
She’d done the right thing. For both of them.
A week later, he called his sister to check in. Ally didn’t answer, but then a few seconds later, a FaceTime call came through. Shaking his head, he accepted it. “You know I hate video calls,” he grumbled.
Her face was wreathed in a big grin, and she stuck out her tongue, making him chuckle. “I missed your face,” she said cheerily. “Plus, I need you to give me an honest answer. You’re the only one I trust.”
“What is it?”
She held the phone all the way back and showed off her jean-clad body. “Am I getting fat?”
Instead of groaning and pretending she was crazy, he knew exactly what she needed. “Turn around,” he directed, and she did a slow spiral. “Nope, not fat at all. In fact, you look great. I think marriage agrees with you.”
She let out a relieved breath. “Thank God. And yes, marriage does agree with me, but that’s why I’ve been eating more. I don’t mind a few pounds, but I don’t want to overdo my happy diet.”
He grinned. “I hear you. Now, catch me up on things.”
She chatted about Jason and her students, and he listened to her musical voice, loving the way her face lit up. She looked . . . settled. There was a calmness about her that shone right through the tiny screen, and he was glad he’d picked up the FaceTime call. Talking to his sister always made him feel better.
“Have you seen Avery?” she finally asked, switching topics.
Every muscle locked and tightened. He spoke carefully. “Why would I see Avery?”
Her eyes danced with mischief. “Do you think I’m an idiot? It was so obvious when you danced at my bachelorette party. I didn’t want to push too soon, so when I got back from my honeymoon, I called Avery and demanded the truth. She fessed up and told me you guys were seeing each other. I’m so happy! You two are perfect together!”
Pain crashed through him. He’d figured a few days of mourning and he’d be back to normal, but the last few weeks had been brutal. He dreamed of her. He stared at his computer like a lovesick teen, sick to his stomach. It was like having the flu with no medicine and no assurances of getting better. Ever since she’d said goodbye, the life he’d fought hard to protect and maintain had shattered around him.
He debated lying, but he didn’t want to do that. “We spent the summer together,” he finally admitted. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner if you knew?”
“It was obvious you were both crazy about each other, and honestly? I didn’t want to interfere. I figured if I played dumb, you guys would just do your thing. I also know how weird you are talking about your love life, so I wanted to give you time before I pounced. Now, tell me everything.”
“Unfortunately, we broke up,” he said.
Her face dropped. “What? Carter, I’m so sorry. What happened? I’ve never seen you like that around a woman—it was obvious you were crazy about her. Oh my God, Avery never even told me you broke up!”
She hadn’t even told her best friend? Hurt and annoyance warred inside, but he just shrugged and forced a smile. “We couldn’t do the long-distance thing.”
A frown creased her brow. “That’s it? Dude, why don’t you just move?”
“People don’t just move and change their entire life after one summer. It doesn’t make sense.”
She snorted. “Love isn’t supposed to make sense. Mom and Dad met and were married within six months. The moment Jason and I began dating, I knew he was the one in a few weeks. Sure, we took time getting engaged, but we both committed to the relationship immediately. It’s a heart thing, Carter, not a brain thing. Love sometimes just doesn’t make sense.”
His heart pounded at the simple explanation. “You think I should sell my house, quit my job, and move to a small beach town after only really knowing this woman for a few months? You don’t think that’s impulsive, reckless, and foolhardy?”
She laughed. “Yes.”
“I can’t. I’m not like you, Ally-Cat. I don’t believe in the things you do.”
“Like what? Relationships? Love? Marriage? I call bullshit. And I think it’s time you begin to realize this little martyr act you put on will only get you one thing—loneliness.”
Temper pricked. She had no idea what he’d gone through because he’d chosen to protect her. But he wasn’t about to let her think he hadn’t tried. “I’m not a martyr, and I don’t pretend to be. I made hard choices, and I don’t regret any of them. And I did try with Avery. She was very clear that the distance between us wasn’t what she wanted.”
“The mileage? Or you?” She groaned and threw up her hands. “Carter, please listen to me. I’ve minded my own business because I trusted you knew what you were doing. But all those sacrifices you made for me? Quitting college, giving up travel, and making sure I was always your priority? They haunt me. You don’t think I lie awake at night sometimes and cry, knowing everything you gave up?”
Shock barreled through him. He’d never imagined Ally had these feelings—he’d worked so hard at making sure she never thought of herself as a burden or sacrifice. Because she wasn’t. “Ally—”
“No, wait. That compass tattoo you got before Dad died? It meant something to you. It was a symbol of freedom, right? But this past decade, when you finally were free, you chose to do nothing. You have the same solitary life as when I was young. I’m married and happy. I’m going to raise my own family. Why do you still cut yourself off from living? What makes you so afraid?”
It was the same question that Avery had asked. He’d told her the story about his father, but now he began to wonder if it had gone deeper. Had all those years of sacrifice for Ally become habit? Had he used her to hide, playing a martyr role so he’d never be tested or challenged to take risks? Why was he still in the same place, at the same job, when there was nothing holding him back any longer?
The thoughts spun in his head. “I don’t know,” he finally said. “Each time I saw Avery, I freaked out a bit. In some ways, I thought she was too good to be true, and then I worried if I fell hard for her, that I’d get hurt. Like Dad.”
“How so?” she asked.
Knowing he was in tricky territory, he tried to navigate his answer in a way she could understand. “Do you remember what you said about Dad at your wedding? That you worried his heart had given out because he didn’t want to live without Mom? What if you were right? What if he just gave up on his body and left his children because he was too weak to be alone?”
His sister shuddered out a breath, then took a while to answer. She looked deep in thought. “I always suspected that was the case,” she finally said. “It was too soon after Mom’s death to be a coincidence. I actually read plenty of articles on soul mates who let their body stop working because they couldn’t bear a world without their spouse. But, Carter, you can’t compare yourself to Dad. You’re the strongest person I know. We were orphans too young, and you had to grow up so fast. You could have chosen not to do it. You could have walked away and put me in foster care. Do you understand that you chose love over selfishness?”
He shook his head, trying to figure it out. “It wasn’t a choice. I’d never leave you behind, Ally-Cat. I love you too much.”
“Exactly. Love makes you strong, Carter, not weak. Maybe Dad gave up, maybe it was coincidence—we’ll never know. But if he did choose to give up, I know in my heart and soul you’d never do that.” She touched her finger to the screen. “Love is the ultimate freedom. It pushes you to be the best, challenges your worst, and tests your strength. It gives the most reward because you risk the most. It’s not exotic adventures and distant lands that you’ve been missing. It’s love.”
A shiver shot down his spine. He nodded, his throat tight.
“Do you love Avery?”
The question slammed through him. His sister stared at him with a piercing gaze, still touching the screen. He grabbed for excuses and his normal rationalizations, but a faint whisper rose up inside him that made him still.
Yes.
He’d known it all along. He just hadn’t wanted to deal with the consequences. But his sister’s words had given him a freedom he’d never had before—the realization that his constant comparisons to his father had been a way to protect himself. All this time, he’d been a coward.
His tat seemed to throb and burn on his skin as a reminder of the boy he’d once been, and the man he’d chosen to grow into. Ally was no longer his responsibility. It was time for him to make a life for himself free from the past.
He just hoped he could do it.
“Yes,” he said. “I love her.”
Ally nodded. “Good. I can only imagine the horrific things you said to her, so you probably have a long way to dig yourself out of the doghouse.”
He winced. “Yeah, it was bad.”
“She’
ll give you another chance, but it may take a while. You know what you need to do to get her back, right?”
“Quit my job and move to Cape May?”
She grinned. “It’s a start. But if you want your own happily ever after, you have to go all in, Carter. Do you understand?”
He nodded, throat choked with emotion. “Yeah.”
“Good. Now get to work. Love you.”
“Love you, too, Ally-Cat. Thanks.”
The screen went dark.
His sister was right. He couldn’t fix this overnight, but he could damn well begin the process. Avery deserved more than the man he’d shown her. It was time to show her he had the balls to leap.
He opened up his internet search and began typing.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Avery walked into Sunshine Bridal in a bad mood.
Gabe had called in, citing an emergency, sticking her with a vendor appointment amid all her regular meetings. Bella had disappeared and wasn’t answering her phone for backup, and Taylor had texted that she was in AC for her sacred day off and wished her luck. And to top everything off, Jessie, their receptionist, had called in sick, so she now had to spend the next hour going through messages to make sure they didn’t miss anything important.
She hated today.
Muttering a string of curses, she handled the voice mails first, then printed out Gabe’s worksheet for the Ackerman wedding. Her life was pathetic. This was all she had left to look forward to—planning everyone else’s weddings while she grew into an old maid. She’d met the love of her life, and he hadn’t wanted her.
Morphing into a pool of self-pity, she almost wished Taylor was here to kick her in the ass. Her sisters gave her a full month to grieve the loss, and then she wasn’t allowed to eat a Peace Pie every night. She even had to begin eating kale salads again.
Love on Beach Avenue Page 28