Take a deep breath. One step at a time.
“Someone sure looks happy today,” the cashier said as she scanned my items.
I gave her a huge smile. “I’ve had a great morning. How about you?”
“So far so good.” She smiled back.
I walked to the parking lot, admonishing myself for being so worried and anxious. Where was my faith? The point was to make a blind leap. It wasn’t a jump if I already knew everything that was going to happen afterward. The family piece just made it harder. They’d let me go home at night to sleep with them, wouldn’t they? At least until they joined? What would I do if I couldn’t sway Scott? Margo had said she’d known plenty of families who’d struggled with the concepts before aligning themselves with Love International. Scott would come around eventually.
But what if he didn’t?
Would I still go?
Where was I really going?
My head swirled with the argument I’d been having all morning. Now that I’d received the call, my spirit was pulling me to take the next step. I’d sat in the living room until three in the morning, because I couldn’t sleep last night, before tiptoeing back up to the bedroom, careful not to wake Scott.
Was I just supposed to go?
Move?
What had Ray said the last time I’d asked him? I threw the bags into the trunk and got into the driver’s seat. And then I remembered how he’d quoted Matthew, “Jesus said, ‘Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.’”
I froze. My keys slipped from my hands and fell on the seat. My pulse throbbed in my temples. Sweat trickled down my back. Scripture stirred inside me. Take nothing for the journey—no walking stick, no bag, no bread, not a second cloak. I slid my purse off my arm and set it on the passenger seat. Realization hit that this was the last piece of the puzzle.
“I get it,” I said out loud, even though I was alone, and there was nobody there to hear me.
There was nothing left to do except go. I stepped out of the car, shutting the door behind me. My body burned with energy like I was on fire. I walked quickly, taking my first right out of the parking lot and then my next left. I couldn’t contain my excitement and started running. I hadn’t run since high school, but I felt like I could run for days. It wasn’t long until I burst into a sprint and didn’t stop until I reached Love International’s campus. I plowed through the door, exhilarated and breathless, not bothering to say hello or talk to anyone as I made a beeline for Ray’s office. I couldn’t wait to tell him. He’d be so proud. I pounded on his door.
“Come in,” he called from inside.
I pushed through. He glanced up from behind his desk, surprised to see me.
“Kate? I thought we were meeting later today?”
I would never need to make an appointment with him again. I could see him every day if I wanted to. A wide grin spread across my face. “I did it,” I said, still out of breath. “I just left. What do I do now?”
FIFTEEN
MEREDITH
NOW
The exit counselor, Brian O’Donnell, arrived the next day and spent all afternoon with Kate. He asked to speak with me, Abbi, and Scott after he finished his session with her. We filed into the dining room, which was quickly becoming the spot for all meetings. He was unassuming and short, only slightly taller than me, which wasn’t saying a lot. He was in his early forties, on the heavier side, and wore a cardigan tied over his shoulders, despite the heat in the room. He’d gone around the table and shaken hands with everyone before taking a seat in the middle. I’d offered him the head, but he’d quickly declined.
Brian’s eyes moved around the room while he talked, making eye contact with each of us while he spoke. “Short of when Kate vanished, I’m sure this has been one of the most emotionally intense weeks of your lives. I want to take a moment and recognize everything you’ve been through.”
I glanced at Scott out of the corner of my eye. Normally he hated anything hinting at mindfulness, but he was hanging on Brian’s every word.
“In recognizing everything that you’ve been through, we also need to recognize everything that Kate has been through too. The world moves so much faster than what she’s used to. It’s almost like she’s gone forward in time, so you can imagine how incredibly disorienting that would be for a person. Now take into consideration that she’s spent the last decade immersed in a cult with an extremely charismatic leader whom she had very strong feelings for, punished whenever she thought for herself or did anything considered wrong, and isolated from any other viewpoints or thoughts that might tell her differently.”
“She told you that?” I asked, shocked. I couldn’t believe he’d gotten her to tell him all that in a few hours, and nobody had been able to get anything out of her for a week. He must have been fantastic at his job.
“Not in so many words, but in enough pieces to hint at similar truths. Besides, all cults are basically the same,” Brian said. “Once she starts opening up, I’m certain her case will follow a similar progression as most cult survivors, and there are a few things that I want to talk about with you before we move any further.” We nodded our heads in unison. “It’s important that we don’t ever approach Kate with any level of hostility toward them or their ideas. If we do, it will reinforce what Ray and the other members have drilled into her head for years—that you can’t trust outsiders because they don’t understand your beliefs or situation. If we come at her like we are the enemy, then all we’ve done is reinforce everything they taught her. It will make her second-guess leaving if that happens. Believe me—we learned this the hard way.” The seriousness in his expression let me know he was telling the truth. “Victims tell their story in their own time and at their own pace. Eventually, it comes out, but sometimes it comes out very slowly. It usually takes about two years to deprogram a person who’s been indoctrinated into a cult, and, from what I’ve seen and heard today, I expect her case will follow a similar timeline.”
“How did they take her?” Scott asked. It was the question we were all dying to know.
“They didn’t take her. Cults don’t usually kidnap people. People leave their families and lives to follow cults voluntarily.” Compassion filled his face. “I’m sorry.”
Scott jumped up from the table. “No way.” He shook his head rapidly. “Did she tell you that?”
“No, but Scott, it’s highly unlikely that anyone from the cult kidnapped her.” He kept his tone even.
Scott shook his head again. “Then, no, I’m not buying into your theory. I don’t care if that’s the way things normally work or how things usually go. There is not a chance that Kate left this family willingly. None.” He looked over at Abbi, making sure she was listening, and pointed to the stairs, where Kate had retreated to the guest bedroom after their interview. “Now you get back up there and figure out how they got her.”
Brian remained seated. His face was impassive, calm despite the anger radiating off Scott in his direction. “I’m sorry, Scott. I really am. I know this is hard to hear. It always is, but at some point you’re going to have to accept that you might not have known Kate as well as you thought you did.”
It’d been over two hours since Brian left, and Scott was still fuming over his suggestion that Kate had gone with Love International willingly. I had made up an excuse about being out of milk to get out of the house and away from all the tension. I chewed on my cheek while I walked down the dairy aisle at the grocery store, a nervous habit I hadn’t done in years, but it was hard not to be anxious when everyone was staring at you. People tried to act like they weren’t, but I felt their eyes drilling holes into my back as I shopped. Now I understood why Scott had driven forty-five minutes away to do his errands after Kate went missing.
It would be devastating for him if Kate had left on her own, but once he was over the initial hurt, this could be a good thing for us. If they hadn’t kidnapped her, maybe we didn’t have to be afraid of them coming back to get her or trying to hur
t us. Maybe she’d been able to come and go as she pleased all along. But that wouldn’t explain her mangled body. There wasn’t any confusion over whether or not she’d been tortured. Everyone agreed on that. None of this made sense. I had wanted to take my time, but it was so uncomfortable being watched that I hurriedly threw milk and eggs into my cart and headed to self-checkout.
I stalled on the drive home, hoping the night shift had replaced the day shift. The questions didn’t stop until the day shift was gone, and I didn’t have any energy left for more questions. I was surprised to find Scott and Kate sitting on the couch when I walked through the door. Normally he would’ve jumped up to help me, even though I only had one bag, but he didn’t move from his spot.
“Hi, guys,” I said, my voice one octave higher than usual. I’d clearly walked in on something. Should I stay? Run to the kitchen? I searched the living room walls like there was an invisible spot on them.
Scott cleared his throat. “We were just talking.”
“Okay, okay . . .” Heat surged through me.
Scott pointed to the club chair in front of the couch. “You might as well be here for this.” He waited for me to sit before turning his focus back to Kate. “I know I just said that this conversation is only between us, but, believe me, you can trust Meredith,” he said.
She peeked up and gave me a tiny smile. I smiled back. There was no way to have a private conversation in a wired room, but I wasn’t about to point that out.
“Kate, I hate doing this to you, but it’s eating me up inside. I need to know what happened the day you went missing. Brian and Camille think that you left to join Love International willingly. I told them there was no way that was true, that there had to be some other explanation, and I know you don’t want to talk about things, sweetie. I get that.” He got off the couch and knelt on the floor in front of her. Their engagement photos flashed through my memory unbidden. I shoved them away as he stared at her with desperation written all over his face. “But please tell me what happened that day. You don’t have to talk about anything else with me ever again, I promise. I just have to know—did they take you, or did you just leave?”
The room filled with the enormity of his question. I scooted forward in my chair, as eager for the truth as Scott.
“I left.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
“I don’t get it.” Confusion filled his eyes. “Why would you leave us? Why?”
Huge tears slipped down her cheeks as her lower lip quivered. “I’m so sorry, Scott.”
He raised his hands and touched her face as softly as I was sure he’d touched Abbi’s when she was a baby. “You went because you wanted to?”
“I did, Scottie. I did,” she said. A heaving sob shook her body.
Scott’s eyes never wavered from hers. He gazed at her with as much love as he had before he asked the question.
“Why, Kate? I just want to know why?” He was crying too. They’d forgotten I was there. Sadness washed over me.
Kate held Shiloh against her chest, rocking back and forth like she did when she got really upset. She muttered underneath her breath while she moved.
“Please, Kate.” He sounded like a little boy.
“I waited for you to come,” she said when she’d finally found her voice. “Why didn’t you ever come?” Her question was engulfed by another sob.
KATE
THEN
Ray quickly ushered me into his office and shut the door behind us. “Are you sure you’re ready?” he asked.
Short of marrying Scott, I had never been more sure of anything. “I’m ready.”
He moved over to his desk, opened the bottom drawer, and dug through folders until he found whatever he was looking for. He grabbed it and slammed the drawer shut. “Wait here,” he said, hurrying to the door. “I’ll be right back.”
Adrenaline coursed through my veins. I couldn’t believe I’d done it. I was giddy in a way I hadn’t experienced since I was a little girl. When would I start my training? There had to be some kind of training, since there was a class for everything. Was it the same for everyone? Questions tumbled on top of each other while I waited. Thankfully it wasn’t long before Ray came back with Margo. She rushed into the room and threw her arms around me.
“I’m so happy for you,” she squealed, jumping up and down. It was a side of her I’d never seen. She was always so stern and serious. Her husband, Will, was the same way. They were only in their thirties, but they carried themselves like they were much older. It didn’t help that she always wore her hair in a tight bun.
“Thank you,” I said, giggling with her as she twirled me around the room.
“Are you nervous?” she asked.
I nodded. There were too many different emotions swirling through me to focus.
“I was so scared I couldn’t stop shaking. Mostly I was worried about how things would be when Will and I saw each other again, since it’d been almost six months.”
Will was Love International’s first disciple. He was one of the few disciples who’d known Ray before he’d given away all his possessions. Ray had found him passed out in an alley in Detroit, reeking of booze and vomit. Someone had stripped his body like a car, leaving him in his boxers and T-shirt. Ray had brought him to his apartment and nursed him back to health. He had walked him through early sobriety, and they’d been together ever since. Margo had met Will in his second year of sobriety, but I didn’t know any more than that. I was hoping she’d tell me more of her story once my discipleship was official.
“What was it like?” I asked. I couldn’t imagine being away from Scott for that long. We’d never been apart longer than a week.
“It was like being newly in love all over again, but even better because we were wiser versions of ourselves.”
Margo had been a different faith before Love International, which was probably why it had taken her so long. At least Scott believed in God, so he would be more open to whatever process they had set up for him. He’d follow through with whatever they asked him to do, wouldn’t he? My analytical mind was running wild again. I had to stay centered in the spiritual.
Ray interrupted our conversation. “I know we’re excited, ladies, but there will be lots of time to talk. We need to get Kate settled as quickly as possible.” He motioned to the door, and we followed him into the hallway. We took a left at the end and then another before arriving at a set of double doors. Ray punched in a code, and they opened to outside, revealing a large gravel lot. “This is where we keep our extra vans,” he said.
The lot was empty except for a lone van in the far corner. It wasn’t like the other beat-up white vans they drove on their volunteer outings, with rust eating away at the tire rims. This one was solid black and windowless, like a creepy child-molester van.
“Nice wheels,” I joked to Ray.
Normally he would have laughed, but he ignored me as he fumbled with the latches on the back door. He gave them a sharp tug, and they came flying open. He pointed to the inside. “Hop in,” he said to me.
I laughed and moved toward the front of the van. He grabbed my arm from behind.
“No, really. Hop in,” he said.
“Oh, I didn’t think you were serious,” I stuttered, instantly embarrassed. “Where—” I stopped myself. Blind faith. That was what I was operating on now.
I climbed into the back and turned to help Margo get in, but she was gone. I could tell by Ray’s expression that he wasn’t joining me either. He gave me a strange smile as he shut the door, and I did my best to look brave. The latch clicked behind him, and panic washed over me. I forced myself to breathe and give my eyes a second to adjust to the light. It didn’t take long, and as they did I saw that the van’s seats had all been stripped out. Sleeping bags and pillows lined the cab’s floor. The front doors slammed shut, and within seconds the ignition brought the van to life. I quickly plopped down, trying to arrange the pillows around me in a way that was comfortable and find something to hol
d on to. The van lurched forward, going slowly at first but quickly picking up speed, which meant we had to have jumped on the interstate.
Had anyone called Scott yet? I had no idea what his schedule was like today because we hadn’t talked about it before he left for work this morning. All we’d done was get in that stupid fight. He was already mad at me and was only going to be more upset when he found out what I’d done. Hopefully he would answer their call, but he had a horrible habit of ignoring numbers he didn’t recognize. What if he didn’t listen to his voice mail until later this afternoon? I needed him to pick up Abbi from preschool. There was no way I was going to be done with this on time. How was any of this going to work? The magnitude of what I’d done engulfed me.
I needed to get a grip. They’d done this before. We weren’t the only family with a complicated situation. I didn’t need to figure everything out. Ray was always telling me that I had to release my control and allow life to naturally unfold in front of me. I forced myself to lie back on the blankets and focus on my breathing. I couldn’t do any of this if I wasn’t centered.
Listening to the thrum of the road calmed me, and it wasn’t long before it lulled me to sleep. I drifted in and out, jostled awake by the bumps and turns before falling back to sleep. We drove for what felt like days, but it was probably only hours. Everything just seemed longer stuck back in the dark. Finally the van stopped. My eyes snapped open. Feet shuffled to the side of the van. The lock clicked, and Ray opened the door. Blinding light shone into my eyes, making me squint. He stuck out his hand, and I stepped outside into the sun. It took my eyes a while to adjust from being in the dark for so long.
We were parked in front of an old farmhouse. Large evergreen trees surrounded it on all sides. The roof sagged to the left, and faded yellow paint peeled off in chunks. Two of the stairs leading up to the porch were rotten. One of the windows was boarded up. The grass around it was long and unkept. The weeds had won the battle in the yard long ago. Ray walked around the house to the back, and I hurried along after him.
When She Returned Page 10