I’d had similar thoughts, because no matter how hard we toiled, nothing worked out. We’d arrived with a sense that we were going to create a new world, but so far we hadn’t succeeded in creating much of anything. Anxiety and panic had started to creep in around us despite our best efforts. Our reaction to Ray’s late arrival tonight was testimony to that. I eyed the circle, getting a feel for their emotional temperature, and it was the same as mine.
“The Lord has answered our desperate pleas and the petitions of our heart.” He beamed. Gratitude swelled around us, lifting our spirits immediately. “We must be different if we are going to enter into the Lord’s kingdom. Ray brought me this far, but he is not the man that is going to bring us into the Lord’s perfect plan.” He raised his arms and lifted his head to the sky. “Family, I had to put Ray to death so the Lord could establish a new covenant with us. I buried him in the banks of that creek.” He motioned to the woods behind him. “I arose from my baptism in the dark waters and heard his voice as clearly as I did the day I received the vision for Love International. The Lord said, ‘From this moment forward, you shall be called Abner. You are the Father of Light.’” He placed his hands in front of his chest and bowed before us. “I will guide us into the kingdom.”
His words sent us into stunned silence. He didn’t wait for us to recover before continuing. “I invite you to join me, but I must tell you, it will not be easy. There will be many trials and tribulations. Each time we advance to the next level, there are people who aren’t ready, and there are those of you sitting here tonight who think you’re not ready. You’re disappointed that you’ve come all this way and given up so much of your life to have to return disenchanted and empty handed, but I encourage you to be open minded. To embrace what this moment has taught us and what it can continue to teach us.” He shifted in his position. “Life is nothing but a series of births, deaths, and resurrections, and whoever chooses to advance must put to death the old so the Lord can raise up the new.”
This was usually when he asked for questions, but he didn’t seem interested in hearing our reaction.
“For those of you that choose to go to the next level with me, I want you to know that God revealed my deep responsibility for you. It will be my job to care for you and watch over you as the father of this light. Like any father, there will be times I will have to make decisions that might be unpopular. That hasn’t always been the case. As you know from being with me all these years, I have always opted for the happiness of the group, even if I would’ve made a different choice. Going forward, I will not be as concerned for the happiness of the group as I am for their growth. If this is something you find uncomfortable or displeasing, then please do not follow us down this path. Anyone who doesn’t want to go to the next level, I would ask that you please pack your things and leave by dawn.”
People stumbled into the tent, bleary eyed and woozy from being up so late last night. We had all gone to bed wondering the same thing—would anyone leave? I hadn’t even considered it. Where would I go? There was no home for me to return to. It’d probably been years since Scott or Abbi had given me a thought. So far everyone was here except for Will and Keith, but only because they were with Abner. We’d all talked about the name change and how tough it was going to be to remember not to call him Ray, but it’d been surprisingly easy. Even by the end of the conversations last night, we’d almost gotten used to it.
Someone had moved all the tables and chairs out of the tent. We stood in a huge mass, expectantly waiting for our next step. It wasn’t long before Abner, Keith, and Will strode across camp and into the tent.
“I am so glad to see you all this morning, family. It fills my heart with such joy.” Abner’s love penetrated the makeshift room. “The word tells us that no one can enter the kingdom unless they are born again. I was reborn while away, and all of you must be reborn in the same way if you want to join me in the kingdom. If we are to be born again, then we must put to death our old identity.” His hands never stopped moving, punctuating his words and accentuating his gestures. Will and Keith started bringing out the yoga mats we kept piled in the left corner underneath the blue canopy. “Today Will is ready to renounce his old, sinful life and be reborn into the kingdom.” He started clapping, and we all joined in, even though we didn’t know what was happening. The room reeked of nervous sweat. “Please clear a spot in the middle,” Abner instructed. We moved to the sides, creating an opening within the circle. Abner and Keith rolled out the yoga mats next to each other. Abner motioned to Will when they’d finished, and he stepped onto the mats. I’d never seen him look scared. Even when Abner was barking orders and threatening punishment, Will remained calm, impassive. Not today. His face was white. He ground his teeth back and forth. His other hand twitched with nervous energy as he tried to be still and wait for whatever was going to happen next.
“The same rules will govern every ceremony.” Abner spoke like a drill sergeant. “Unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom.” He turned his attention to Will. “Are you ready?”
“I am.”
“Then, as we discussed, you must stand naked in front of God.”
Will pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it on the floor. He undid his pants and took them off until he stood in his underwear. He stepped out of his underwear next. I looked away out of respect for Margo.
“Jesus told Nicodemus it was impossible for a man to return to his mother’s womb and be born again, but God has called us to return to the womb.” Abner’s gaze pierced the room while Will lay down on the mat. His body formed a T on it. He crossed his arms over his chest, his body glistening with sweat. Abner and Keith took a dark hood and threw it over Will’s head before spreading one of our thick black sheets on top of him. They tucked it in around him before taking another sheet and rolling him on top of that one. They kept rolling him over until it was tightly wrapped around his body, with only his feet sticking out, and there was no way for him to move. They repositioned him on the mat so that his body stretched the length of it.
“Unless one is born again, they cannot see the kingdom.” Abner nodded at Keith. Abner got on his knees and pressed his forearms onto Will. “The labor pains of this transformation are beginning. Behold, I make all things new!” he shouted. He moved around Will’s body, pressing on different spots with his forearms. I couldn’t hear what he was chanting underneath his breath. Keith joined Will on the floor next to Abner. Will’s body writhed underneath them. How could he breathe?
“Everyone, come,” Abner ordered. We swarmed Will’s body—pushing, pressing, prodding. “Press harder. You’re not pressing hard enough. Let him feel the labor pains. The struggle. Come, everyone. You have to work harder.”
Everything moved quickly. Arms were everywhere. A sea of bodies moved around me.
“Renounce your old life,” Abner called out, and we all followed.
“Renounce your old life!” we chanted louder.
Everyone pushed and moved like an angry mob at a rock concert. They pulled me along.
“Find the light. Move toward the opening. Leave your darkness behind.” Margo’s voice rose above all the others.
Willow gripped my hand. I looked down. Her face was pale, and her eyelashes were matted together with tears. I gripped her hand tightly and didn’t let go.
“I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe,” Will cried.
“You’re almost there. This is the transition. Keep going. Keep going.” Abner motioned to all of us again.
“You can do it!” we cheered.
His body twisted and flipped. Suddenly, his arm shot through the black sheet, tearing a hole in it. Everyone screamed and clapped like someone had just scored the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl. Margo rushed forward to help get him out, but Abner shoved her away. “Stay back. He must do this alone.”
His other arm came out. Then, like some kind of beast, he pulled his body through. The sheet tore. He flung off the other coverings. He got to his
knees. Vomit covered him.
“Welcome to the kingdom,” Abner announced.
TWENTY-FOUR
ABBI
NOW
My stomach jumped with nerves as I tapped on Mom’s door. I was more nervous tonight than I’d been the first time I’d knocked on her door, because I’d brought my violin. She’d picked up the violin in high school, and she’d played through most of college. Dad said playing music made her happier than anything else, and he wasn’t exaggerating. Watching her old recital tapes was one of my favorite things to do. Dad had put them on CDs for me after I’d almost worn out the old tapes. I loved watching her play. Her eyes danced along with the music, and she had a way of making the violin sound like it was weeping with joy.
It was a bold move to bring it. I had no idea how she’d react, but I was tired of things being so heavy and serious all the time. She rarely smiled, and when she did she grimaced like it hurt her, and it never reached her eyes. Hopefully, playing for her would cheer her up.
She opened the door. “Come in,” she said.
“Thank you,” I replied as I moved past her.
She immediately spotted the violin, and her eyes grew huge. “You play?”
“I do, but I’m not very good. I don’t sound anything like you.” It didn’t matter how much I practiced; my playing would never match hers. Music required soul, and I didn’t have it. Not like she did. Not even close. “Do you want to play?”
She didn’t even think about it before shaking her head. “Will you play something for me?”
“Sure,” I said, more nervous than I’d been at any of my recitals. I rubbed the locket around my neck out of habit, like I did whenever I performed. I smiled at the sudden realization that I wouldn’t have to touch her picture to bring her presence with me into my next recital, because she would be in the audience.
Mom laid Shiloh at the top of the bed and put two pillows on each side of her so that she could give me her full attention. Maybe soon she’d let herself sleep in it too. She sat in the center cross-legged as I brought the violin up to my chin. I’d tuned it earlier today, so it was ready. I counted down the beat in my head, hoping I would make it through the piece without too many mistakes. The only reason I ever played was in remembrance of her, and it felt so strange to have her sitting on the bed in front of me. I shook out the nervous tension in my shoulders and stood straighter. I never looked at anyone when I played. It made me too anxious. I stared at my bow as I strummed the beginning measures of the new Taylor Swift song. My confidence grew as I went along, and I moved easily into the next song when I finished. It took me a second to look up, and when I did Mom was silently weeping. I didn’t move to comfort her, like everyone else always did. Sometimes you just had to feel a moment, and this was one of those times. I kept playing, making my way through all the songs I knew, and started over at the beginning when I had finished.
“Wow,” she said after my fingers were too tired to play anymore. “Thank you, Abbi. Thank you.”
She was beaming with happiness, and I couldn’t keep the cheesy grin off my face, but I didn’t care.
“I haven’t heard music in . . .” She was still having a hard time remembering what year it was, and it took her a second to remember and work out the math. “Eleven years.”
“You haven’t heard music in eleven years?”
She nodded. “Or taken a warm shower.”
“What? Are you kidding me?” I set my violin on top of the dresser and raced over to the bed to take a seat next to her.
“We only used hot water to cook. Cold water for everything else.”
“That’s awful. You didn’t have any electricity or what?”
“We heated our water to cook and had generators that we could’ve used to heat our bathwater, but we chose not to.”
“Oh my gosh, why would you punish yourself like that?”
Mom giggled. This time she didn’t slap her hand over her mouth quite so quickly. “It was part of our daily penance.”
“Huh?”
“It was a way of reminding ourselves of our wicked nature and denying our bodies’ appetites for pleasure,” she explained.
“Like sleeping on the floor instead of the bed?”
“Yes, we do daily penance to prove our worthiness to the Lord.” The recitation of the words did something to her as she spoke. Darkness clouded her face, and something about the memory snuffed out her light, like she was a candle being blown out.
“Mom?” I put my arm on her shoulder. “Are you okay?”
She wrapped her arms around herself, rubbing her hands up and down her arms like she was cold. She refused to return my stare. “I’m getting a headache. I think I better go to bed.”
KATE
THEN
Today was my day. I’d volunteered to go next. We’d been doing a rebirthing ceremony every few days. We could only do one a day because we needed to rest in between them, since they drained so much from us. I stood in front of the tent while Abner made final preparations.
I didn’t sleep at all last night, and my stomach was too twisted to eat anything for breakfast. I was drenched in sweat, and nothing had even happened yet. Vomit kept rising in my throat, and I swallowed it back down forcibly while I waited to begin. My head spun.
Breathe, Kate. Breathe.
I could do this. I had to do this.
Abner began reciting the familiar script, but his words didn’t reach my ears, even though I was standing next to him. Fear had taken over, stripping every thought.
His voice broke in. “It’s time to get naked before God.”
My fingers shook as I removed my dress. I stared at the ground. I didn’t want to see anyone’s expression. Their fear would only increase mine. Soon the mat was in front of me, and I did what I was supposed to without being told. I laid my body across the mat and placed my arms at my sides. Every muscle twitched with the desire to move as they rolled me into the blanket. My ears rang. They flipped me around. Abner’s face hovered above mine, his smile wide, eyes glinting.
“You’ll be okay,” he mouthed.
And then the black sheet was over my head. I stifled the urge to scream. The hard part hadn’t even begun. My fingers curled into fists, nails digging into my palms.
“Today I declare—behold, I make all things new,” Abner announced. “Unless someone is born again, they cannot see the kingdom.”
My eyes throbbed. Red blotches filled my line of vision. The pressure started. It compressed my chest, making it harder to breathe. I tried to move away, but it was useless. The blanket bound me like I was tied with rope. My head pounded with panic, threatening to explode and shatter pieces of me against the sheet.
“The labor pains are beginning. Come, help her as she moves into this transition.”
The pressure was everywhere. No part of my body was free. They pushed down. Harder and harder. A primal scream violently exploded from me. It did nothing. They kept pushing. They wouldn’t stop.
“Renounce your old life! Renounce your old life!” Their chants filled my ears. “Prove your worthiness to the Lord!”
I kicked and flailed wildly, desperately trying to break free. My body writhed back and forth. There wasn’t enough air. Every cell in my body screamed for oxygen.
“Find the light. Move toward the light.” Abner’s voice cut into my fear.
I wasn’t strong enough. I felt myself departing, my brain detaching from my body, floating. Black seeped into the edge of my vision. All their sounds melded into a big blur in my head, ran together. They were right next to me, so close, but I couldn’t hear them. I couldn’t feel them anymore either. My body was light. I was floating above the black, watching myself as I struggled. Abner was there, too, standing next to me as he watched himself pushing on my body.
“Don’t fight,” he whispered in my ear before gently pushing me back into my body.
I forced myself to be calm inside the walls of my skin. And then I saw it. A pinprick of light
, ever so small, but it was there in front of me, to the right. If I could just get my arm to it, I could stick my finger through.
“The light, Kate.” The faint call of Willow’s voice. I followed the sound, calmly turning and twisting until one arm was free. I moved toward the light and jabbed a finger through. Adrenaline shot through me. I pushed with every ounce of strength I had left in me.
And then there was a hole.
I made a hole!
Sobs shook me. I was so close. Almost there.
I heard their voices again. “You can do it! Come on—you can do it!”
I tore through the sheet, bursting into the light. I threw all of it off me, detangling myself. I laughed through my tears, hysterical.
Abner greeted me with a smile. “Welcome to the kingdom.”
Abner’s predictions about what would happen after we’d been reborn came true. We’d told the universe we were ready to change, and it had responded just like he’d said it would. Our plants and fields had started growing, row after row of green beans and corn springing up around us. Even our chicken had responded by laying more eggs. There’d been a shift in everything we touched. There had been no denying that, and we’d all felt it.
We only had two more ceremonies left until our transition was complete. Bekah couldn’t go until after the baby was born, and we had no idea when he would show up. She still wasn’t showing very much, but it was her first baby, and women were always small with their first. Willow was the other one who hadn’t gone, and today was the day she’d agreed to try again.
Willow was struggling with the ceremony because she was terrified of closed spaces. She’d already backed out three different times. No one wanted to voice it, but we were all wondering what would happen if she couldn’t go through with it. She was worried about it too. I could see it in her face. I’d suggested that we might be able to do something different for her to symbolize it in the same way, and Abner immediately shot me down. He hadn’t been kidding about establishing a more dominant role. That part was taking some getting used to as well.
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