NOW
“If you’ll just excuse me, I’m going to head to my room,” Kate said, inching her way past us and moving upstairs. Scott looked like he’d been sucker punched in the gut. He leaned against the kitchen counter for support.
“What happened the morning Kate left?” Her words had done what she’d intended them to do—flipped my world upside down.
“You have to look at it from my perspective before you jump to any conclusions.”
Oh my God, so he had lied. Scott had lied. I couldn’t believe it. “She’s not lying?”
He shook his head. “You have to understand—”
I cut him off. “I don’t have to understand anything. I just want to know the truth. You owe me that, at least. All this time you’ve been on me about how important it is to build trust and safety for her, and you’ve been lying.” I tried to keep from sounding hysterical, but I was teetering on the edge. “What happened?”
“I knew I hadn’t been involved in Kate’s disappearance, but I wasn’t an idiot. I knew I was going to be their number one suspect. The husband always is. You know that as well as I do, and if I had told them that we argued that morning, it would only have increased their suspicion. They would’ve spent even more time investigating me when the real bad guy was out there with Kate. So I made a decision to lie, but I also knew that in order for it to be effective, no one could ever know the truth. I never told anyone. Not even Abbi.”
“Why didn’t you tell me once you trusted me?”
“Once you’ve told a story so many times, it just becomes the truth.”
“But you passed the polygraph . . .” My voice trailed off, thick with unspoken meaning. He had passed the polygraph with flying colors; only seasoned liars could pull that off.
“And I want you to know that it’s not even all that horrible, what happened. Regular married stuff.”
“That you lied about for eleven years?” My patience had reached its limit. “Tell me what happened, and I’ll decide how horrible it is.”
Red flooded his face. “I practically forced Kate to quit her job and stay home with Abbi. She was never really set on the idea, and part of the reason was because she didn’t want to give up her income. I convinced her we’d be fine, and for a while we were, but then everything crashed in 2008. You remember what it was like. This is so embarrassing.” He cracked his knuckles like he did whenever he got nervous. “Commercial real estate tanked.”
I waited for him to go on and explain himself, but he just stood there without saying anything. “And?”
He refused to meet my eyes. “Things got pretty bad for us financially, and I never told her about any of it.”
“That was all it was?”
“And I took out a loan and second mortgage on our house without telling her.” His sheepish look reminded me of my boys whenever they got in trouble when they were young.
“Kate found out?”
“Yes, the night before she went missing. It was so weird because I’d expected her to be angry with me, but she just kept saying how disappointed she was in me. That made it worse. Instead of manning up and admitting what I’d done, I acted like a complete idiot instead. Total ego bullshit.”
“Why couldn’t you tell the police exactly what you told me?”
“Come on, Meredith. For someone who is always accusing me of being naive, that seems pretty naive to me. ‘Hey, Officers, I just wanted you to know that my wife and I got into a fight on the morning she disappeared over me being in massive debt and lying to her about it.’ Any version of the story that included an argument was a no-win situation.”
“Still, you could’ve told me. You should’ve told me,” I added for emphasis.
He raised his eyebrows. “Really? Like you told me everything about you and James?”
THIRTY-FOUR
ABBI
NOW
I hadn’t been at Meaghan’s since we found out about Mom. We’d been best friends since second grade, and this was the longest we’d ever been apart. Her room was as familiar to me as my own—the queen-size bed in the middle covered with the quilt her grandmother made for her when she was a baby; her favorite teddy bear tucked underneath her pillow, a secret I’d kept since middle school; the pink wall I helped her paint; and the closet filled with half my clothes, which she’d borrowed over the last few years. But it all felt unfamiliar and surreal. Even Meaghan looked different, younger somehow. Or maybe I’d grown up overnight, crossed over some line that once you were over, you didn’t ever get to go back.
Dad had forced me to come even though I’d wanted to stay home. He had insisted that I get out of the house so I’d feel like a normal kid again, but I was pretty sure it was so he and Meredith could fight in private. Things were so tense between them ever since Meredith accused Mom of lying. I was doing my best to stay out of it. If Mom wanted to tell me who she was talking to, then she would. If not, then that was okay too. It was her choice.
“You wouldn’t believe what Sophie said to Josiah after football practice today. So ridiculous.” Meaghan had been prattling on for what felt like hours, and normally I would’ve joined in, but it seemed wrong to talk about football games and homecoming when there were so many other important things going on. “Have you picked out your dress for the dance yet?”
“I forgot all about it. Things have been pretty crazy around my house,” I said.
“Yeah, I bet,” she said, shifting in her spot on the couch and grabbing her phone off the coffee table in front of her. “Kayla texted they’re on their way. Finally.”
We’d been lounging in their rec room for the last hour waiting on Kayla and Brynn. We were going to give each other pedicures while we watched a movie. The hours stretched out endlessly in front of me. I’d been obsessively checking the forum, but no one had answered back. I didn’t want to be here when they did. Not that I could do anything different at my house, but I really wanted to be there even if things were a mess.
“Can I talk to you for a second?” Meredith asked when I got home the next morning. I’d been the first one to go to sleep last night and had sneaked out early before anyone else got up, eager to get home and check on things with Mom.
“What’s up?” I asked, setting my backpack down in the entryway.
“I just wanted to talk to you about everything that’s been going on lately and see how you were feeling. Answer any questions you might have.”
I peeked behind her, scanning the living room and kitchen. “Is Dad here?”
“No.”
We didn’t have heart-to-hearts without Dad. She’d tried that when they’d first started dating, because she had probably read it in one of her self-help books or her therapist had suggested it. Either way, she had been convinced we needed to go on individual dates to get to know each other. We had gone to the zoo a bunch of times, and we had walked through the botanical gardens over on Mulberry. Sometimes we had gone out for ice cream. But it had never mattered where we went or what we did; things had never stopped feeling like we were on an awkward first date. Dad had balanced us out in a way we couldn’t do ourselves when he wasn’t around. She had been more relieved than anything when we’d stopped doing them, even though she had pretended to be hurt.
“Is he coming home soon?” I asked.
She shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. “He should be here in a little while.”
“Do you want to text me when he’s here?” I asked, bending down to scoop up my backpack and head upstairs.
“I thought the two of us could talk. He doesn’t need to be here for this.”
Alarm bells went off inside me as I followed her into the kitchen. She sat down at the window seat. “Have you and your mother still been hanging out at night?”
I nodded.
“What do you guys do in there?”
I shrugged. “Hang out. Talk. Nothing really.”
“What kinds of things do you talk about?”
She tried to ask it like she didn’t care, but Meredith
was a terrible liar. Where was this going? Why did I feel like I was on trial?
“Stuff,” I said, feeling more uncomfortable every second. Did she know I let Mom on my phone at night? I couldn’t say no to her after I’d already let her do it once, so I didn’t have a choice when she asked. Besides, she’d only had that weird reaction once. Now she just scrolled through the pictures for a few minutes and then handed it back to me.
“Has your mom talked to you about what it was like when she was away?”
I cocked my head to the side. “Why are you asking so many questions?”
“Oh, no reason. I’m just trying to get a handle on things. See if there’s anything I can do to help.”
None of her questions seemed helpful, just nosy. Meredith grew more paranoid every day. I’d be acting the same way if I were her, though. I mean, Dad’s old wife was back. Everyone knew what that meant. Dad would still be married to Mom if she hadn’t disappeared. He’d still be pining over her if the rest of us, including myself, hadn’t pushed him to move on. I was surprised Meredith was keeping it together at all. I’d be a mess. Still, I wanted her to leave me alone. I didn’t like the way she’d asked the questions, like I was involved in some elaborate conspiracy with Mom. Conspiring to do what, I didn’t know, but that was how it felt.
“I think we’re good,” I said. “Are we done now, Meredith?”
“Honey, I’m only trying to look out for you. I just want you to be careful.” She moved to hug me, and I stepped aside.
“Be careful? I don’t need to be careful—she’s my mom.”
KATE
THEN
I ducked my head and tried to sneak back to my tent without anyone seeing me, like the family didn’t already know we were sleeping together. None of Abner’s maiden selections were a secret. He announced them each night after the fire gathering. I hadn’t expected him to get to me so soon, and I’d almost thrown up the first night he’d picked me. The thought of him touching me curdled my insides, and my body trembled as we walked from the campfire to his tent. But then he showed me a side of himself I’d never seen, and I couldn’t help but soften a little.
His voice was kind and gentle. We sat almost knee to knee, like we’d done in one of our first meetings together, slipping between silence and conversation. He never even tried to touch me, and there was a tiny part of me slightly insulted by it and wondering if there was something wrong with me. I was surprised when he kept calling my name, and then a few nights ago he asked if I wanted a massage, and I gave in despite myself. His touch was so tender I almost cried. I couldn’t remember the last time anyone had touched me in a way that wasn’t clinical or part of an exercise. The same thing happened the following night, but his touch changed at the end of the massage, and my pulse dropped in a way it hadn’t in a long time. I’d forgotten what it felt like to feel like a woman.
And I hated myself for liking it, but my body had been awakened, and I had to have more. He was a different man in the tent at night. It was like nothing else existed. Not time. Not space. Just the two of us joined together as one in a celestial space unlike any I’d ever experienced.
But today was different. It wasn’t nighttime. We weren’t going to bed. It was two in the afternoon. That changed everything.
I tried to keep a straight face as I came out of the bathroom, but I had just thrown up all my oatmeal from breakfast, and the only other time I’d thrown up in the morning had been when I was pregnant with my daughter from my previous life. My body recognized the feelings immediately. I couldn’t believe I was the first one.
I had no idea what year it was, so many years since we’d recognized time, but late forties and pregnant? How was that possible? You were supposed to be less fertile the older you were. I’d secretly wondered if Abner’s fertility might be responsible for how long it was taking him to get anyone pregnant, but everything must have still worked fine.
I refused to make eye contact with Margo as I filed in to help clear away breakfast dishes with the others. She’d take one look at me and know something was going on. I had to tell Abner first. He had left before dawn with a few of the guys to clear a field over on the north side of the property, and they probably wouldn’t be back until after it was dark. How was I going to keep something like this a secret all day?
Maybe this was exactly what we needed to help lift the spirits around camp. As Abner got more and more frustrated with the lack of new children, his intolerance for our failures grew every day. The spirit around camp grew heavier and darker with all these drills and exercises. He was convinced that the outsiders would come upon us unexpectedly, and we’d be unprepared for their attacks. It was this unpreparedness that drove him mad like none other.
I flexed the muscles in my arms instinctively and felt the tight string pull back. All his calisthenics were working. I was in the best shape of my life, but all that was about to change, because there was no way he’d make me still participate in all the physical activities and other drills. Everything was going to change with this new life inside me, and as proud as I should’ve been about being chosen to carry his seed, I couldn’t shake the fear creeping in around the edges.
THIRTY-FIVE
ABBI
NOW
I waited to go back downstairs until Mom and Dad were down there, because I wasn’t about to get cornered by Meredith again, but she was so busy cooking breakfast that she didn’t notice me as I joined everyone in the kitchen.
“Oh, you’re here,” Mom said as I slid into the seat next to her. “Good.” She cleared her throat. Then cleared it again. “Can I talk to everyone?”
Dad sat across from us and set his phone down to give her his full attention. Meredith stopped what she was doing and came to stand behind his chair, still holding the spatula. Mom’s legs shook underneath the table. I found her hand and took it in mine, giving it a squeeze. Whatever it was, we’d get through it. That was what families did.
“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I am so grateful.” She kept her eyes focused on the syrup in the middle of the table while she spoke. “The thing is—I’m such a burden. I don’t want to do that to your family—”
I interrupted her. “What are you talking about, Mom? You’re our family.”
“Thank you.” Her eyes misted, and she struggled to keep it together. “But I’ve been thinking it might be time to find my own place to live so that you can have your lives back.”
Dad reached across the table and took her other hand in his. “Stop talking like that. You’re not any kind of a burden to us. We’ve never thought of you that way.”
Mom smiled. “You’re so kind, Scott.” She raised her head and eyed Meredith. “But I know this has been hard.” She quickly averted her gaze. “I want to start looking for another place to live.” Her lower lip trembled. “And if it’s okay with you, I’d like Abbi to come with me when I move out.”
I shoved my chair back and jumped up. “Really?” Mom smiled and nodded. I threw my arms around her and gave her a huge hug. We’d never even talked about me living with her. I couldn’t believe we were on the same page.
Dad was trying not to cry. He probably hadn’t expected this any more than I had. I wished he could come with us. Meredith stepped in after a few minutes had passed, and he still hadn’t responded.
“I understand where you’re coming from and agree that it’s probably time to think about what happens next,” she said, nodding in Dad’s direction like she hoped he’d jump in at any time, but he was content to let her talk. “I’m open to helping you in whatever way I can. So is Scott, of course. But I’m not sure how we feel about Abbi living with you right now.”
“She can’t live with me, Scott?” Mom’s voice sounded like a little girl’s.
He rubbed his forehead, struggling to find the right words. “I . . . um, I think we would have to be confident of a few things before that happened.”
“Are you serious?” I slapped my hands on the table. “
You would actually say I couldn’t go? You’d keep me away from Mom?”
“Of course not,” he said.
Meredith piped up. “That’s not what we’re saying at all. I don’t think we’ve had time to consider any of the practical things about how something like that would work.”
She stood next to him, holding his hand in solidarity, like the family therapist had suggested. I didn’t want to talk about this with her. This was between Dad, Mom, and me, anyway.
“There are lots of things you would need to think about before making such a huge decision. It’s stuff you probably haven’t even thought of, because you’re so young, but living on your own can be very difficult,” she said.
“I wouldn’t be living on my own. I’d be living with Mom,” I said in my snottiest voice.
She glanced at Dad, then back to me. “Right,” she said slowly.
“It’s okay, Abbi,” Mom said, grabbing my arm and trying to get me to sit back down.
I refused. Meredith wouldn’t ruin this for me because of whatever weird trust thing she had going on with Mom. “I’m not asking your permission, Meredith. I’m asking my dad.”
“Abigail!” He only used my full name when he was really upset. “Apologize to Meredith immediately.”
Meredith tugged on his arm. “No, honey, it’s fine. Really it is.”
“No, it isn’t. That’s unacceptable, and she knows it.”
“I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just telling the truth, and you know it.” Tears flowed down my face. I always cried when I was angry. I hated it. “This is between us. Why does she get a say in where I live? She’s not my mom.”
He pointed to the stairs. “Go to your room now.”
I couldn’t remember the last time he’d sent me to my room. I shook my head, refusing to go. “You can’t treat me like I’m a kid. I’m sixteen years old, and I’m living with Mom when she moves out.”
THIRTY-SIX
MEREDITH
NOW
The three of us sat unmoving in the kitchen after Abbi had stormed upstairs. My head was pounding with a headache, and it wasn’t even seven o’clock yet. There was nothing that sounded better than hunkering down with Scott, but Kate wasn’t stable enough to take care of Abbi, and the mother in me wouldn’t do that to her, no matter how much it might serve me.
When She Returned Page 21