The bed was the worst. In the space of a day, it became too big and too cold. In the middle of the night, I would reach for her when I was half asleep and when I came up empty, I would wake up to search for her. Then I would be hit by the kind of pain that feels as if someone is slicing you open without anesthetic.
Then the realization dawned that I would have to live the rest of my life without Tessa, and it seemed like such a long time. I had come very close to giving up. I remember that dark place I had been for years and shudder.
I’ve been a fucking fool. I’ve tasted pain, and it almost pulled me in permanently. I know what it feels like to miss someone so much it renders you completely useless, unable to move or do anything.
I know why that pain is dilapidating.
Love.
When you love someone to the extent that I loved Tessa, you leave yourself vulnerable to that kind of pain if something happens to them. Like a fool, I’m doing it again. I’m allowing a woman to capture my heart, knowing full well that I cannot survive a second loss. I can’t fall in love with Cora. I have nothing left in me to give her, but more importantly, I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to her.
I reach the hospital and sprint from the car to the ER. I see Cora seated alone, and I rush to her. She sees me and stands up. Wordlessly, I take her into my arms.
After a moment, we draw apart, and I peer into her eyes. “Are you okay? Were you hurt?”
“I’m fine, just a small bump at the back of the head, but it’s been checked out, and I’m okay. The baby is okay, and so is Fran. She’s getting checked out. She insisted they see me first.”
Fran also remembered Tessa’s accident.
We sit down, and Cora tells me what happened. Apparently, a young man had been texting and failed to stop at the stop sign. He rammed into them from the back but luckily, he had already started applying the breaks, thus lessening the impact.
Cora seems different. Detached. She folds her hands across her chest. We sit wordlessly as if we’re strangers rather than two people expecting a baby together.
I’m in turmoil, but one thing is clear. Getting close to Cora again has been a mistake. This accident, which could have turned out so differently, is a warning. A warning to protect myself. Cora is dangerous for me. I’m already in so deep, but there’s still room to escape. I handled the whole thing wrong from the very beginning, and I feel like punching myself.
When she told me she was pregnant, I should have accepted responsibility and supported her but not slept with her. I was kidding myself into thinking that I could have sex with her and keep my feelings in check. For the last few weeks, I’ve even allowed myself to fantasize about a life with Cora and our baby. I’d forgotten the pain of loss and of leaving yourself vulnerable to another human being.
Cora is a great person. Any man would be lucky to have her. I’m just not that man. Somehow, I have to stay away from her. I was lucky to manage to crawl out of that dark hole once. I can’t handle anything like that again.
Fran and Martin come out of one of the cubicles, and Cora and I stand up.
“She’s fine, and so is the baby,” Martin says. “That asshole is lucky that he walked free,” he says hotly. “Are you sure you don’t want to press charges?”
“I’m sure,” Fran says.
“I’m glad you’re both okay.” I wish I could be more comforting, but I just want to get out of the hospital. I feel as if the walls are closing in. “I’ll drop Cora home.” I take her arm and propel her out of the ER.
Outside, she shakes my hand loose and marches to the car. I unlock it and open the door for her. I’m expecting her to say something on the way, but she remains tight-lipped. It’s painful to see her like this. I wish that I could soften the tension between us. I want to ask her what the matter is. Maybe even take her upstairs to her apartment and hold her in my arms. But what would be the point of that when I intend to back off and create some space between us?
I bring the car to a stop outside her apartment. “Are you okay?”
She turns to me, and my heart constricts with pain at the sad, haunted look on her face. My protective instincts rise to the surface, and I fight to push them away.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” she says. “Thanks for the ride home.”
I should say something, but I don’t, and she gets out of the car, and without looking back once, she hurries to the building entrance. Ten minutes after she disappears inside, I’m still in the same spot.
***
I’m glad when Monday rolls around. Yesterday was the longest Sunday I’ve had in a long time. Cora and I did not speak at all, which is what I want, but it took every ounce of energy I had to fight against calling her.
Work is a life saver, and I’m glad that I have appointments back-to-back today. Every so often thoughts of Cora will sneak into my mind, and I’ll find myself wondering what she’s doing.
In the afternoon, a knock comes on my door, and I call out for the person to enter. It’s my secretary, Brenda. She’s holding a printout.
“Remember the three-day conference in Carlsbad at the end of the week? You never gave me a definite answer on if you’re going or not.”
I search my memory for the conference that she’s talking about. It comes to me. The topic is reproductive health and fertility. It’s on the tip of my tongue to say no, but before I do, a thought pops into my mind. Staying in LA is torture. I can’t stop thinking about Cora. Knowing how close she is makes it harder and harder to stay away. I hadn’t planned on attending that conference but now two days by the beach is sounding very attractive.
“Book me a room. I’ll drive down.”
Brenda looks surprised, but she doesn’t comment. She simply nods and then leaves my office.
Before I settle back to work, my cell phone rings, and my heart takes on a faster beat. My first thought is that it’s Cora. Disappointment washes over me when I see my mother’s number on the screen. That feeling is immediately followed by guilt. I answer it and try to inject some enthusiasm into my voice.
“Mom, how are you?”
“I’m fine, son,” she says and proceeds to update me on what she and my dad have been up to. Calls with my mother are never brief and to the point. She takes her time before getting to the reason why she called.
“We want to invite you and Cora for dinner on Friday. Your father and I would like to see more of her. She’s going to be the mother of our grandchild after all.”
I’m glad that I don’t have to lie to her. “Can’t this week.” I tell her about the conference and sort of imply that Cora is busy too. We agree to arrange some other time, and we hang up.
That’s another problem I’ll have to deal with. Explaining to my parents where Cora is and making up excuses why we can’t be one big happy family.
Chapter 15
Cora
I can’t believe that Thomas hasn’t called or texted me. I’m the one who was upset, not him. I hold the phone and contemplate calling him. It’s not the first or second time that I’ve done this. I’ve been able to resist calling him, but today, I’ve reached the end of my tether.
Doesn’t he want to know how the baby is doing? What is he upset about? I hit call before I can change my mind. The call goes straight to voice mail. Thomas never switches off his phone. Something must be wrong.
With my heart pounding, I dial his office number while telling myself that if something had happened to him, Fran would have told me. I hate myself for being weak. For not ignoring him like he’s ignoring me, but it’s not just about me now.
We have a baby on the way, and he can’t just disappear from my life like that. Brenda picks up the phone on the second ring.
“Good morning, Dr. Clarkson’s office; how may I help you?”
“Hi Brenda, this is Cora. I tried calling Dr. Clarkson on his cell phone, but it’s switched off. Is he at the office?” It feels odd calling Thomas by his official title, but I don’t know how much she knows about us
. Probably nothing, considering how private Thomas is.
“He’s out of town for a few days. He’ll be back in the office on Monday,” she says.
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Why would Thomas go out of town without telling me? Granted, he doesn’t have to, but it’s common courtesy seeing as I’m carrying his baby, and we’ve been practically joined at the hip for a few weeks now.
“I really need to speak to him. Where is he?”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t divulge that kind of information,” Brenda says in her smooth, professional tone that makes me want to scream. “However, there’s another doctor covering for him. If you want, I can book you an appointment.”
“No, thanks, anyway.” I say goodbye and sit in my chair, stewing. I curse him and call him all sorts of names. My anger doesn’t abate. Is this his way of ending things between us? Why can’t he be a man and face me? Tell me that he’s not ready to be a dad, even a part-time one. I deserve to be told the truth, not left hanging.
I pick up my phone again and scroll the contacts list until I find Fran’s number. I hit dial, and when she picks up, I go straight into the reason I called. I’m too upset for pleasantries.
“He didn’t tell you anything about his trip?” she asks.
“Nothing.”
“Did you guys fight?” she continues.
“No, but things have been weird since the accident,” I tell her.
Fran is so quiet that I might think that she had hung up if it wasn’t for her breathing. “I think he’s scared of losing you, Cora. Go to him.”
I wish that were the case. Fran is Thomas’s sister, but she doesn’t realize that he’s still in love with his wife. I’ll go to him all right but not for the reasons she thinks. I’m going to give him a piece of my mind and show him that you cannot treat people like that.
“I would if I knew where he was.”
“Oh, I have the hotel name. Give me a few minutes, and I’ll text you his room number.”
I feel guilty for leading her to think that my intentions toward her brother are noble. When I’m done with Thomas, he’ll be very careful about how he treats women in the future.
Just as she promised, Fran texts me the info of where Thomas is staying. A hotel on the beach to top it all. It’s an hour and a half drive from LA. I could wait until tomorrow morning, but it’s three in the afternoon, and I’m already done with my classes. My car is fueled, and all I need is to hop in and drive down. I could drive there and be back home by eight at night. I try to discourage myself, but my mind is already made up.
I’m too angry to be productive. I need to get rid of my pent-up anger, and there’s only one way to do that, and that’s confronting Thomas. I wind up a few things in my office and downstairs I tell Samantha not to expect me until the following day.
Despite my anger, I begin to enjoy the drive as I get further and further away from town. I should spend more time outside, I decide, staring at the unblemished blue skies. With all the windows of my car open and music blaring from the radio, I feel like I have no care in the world.
It’s a good feeling, one that I haven’t felt in months. I sing along to the songs I know on the radio, and the hour and a half goes by fast. I pass the sign warning that the Carlsbad exit is near, and my relaxed mood disappears.
Five minutes later, I get off the highway and follow the signs for the resort and spa. The salty scent of the ocean mixed with the smell of seaweed wafts up my nose. I wish my mission were different, and I was coming for relaxation. How nice it would be to forget all my responsibilities and allow myself to be pampered.
Another time, I tell myself as I march into the resort pretending to be a guest. I stroll past the lobby to the elevators and hope that I don’t find myself in the kitchen. I find the elevators and hit the second-floor button. A couple wrapped in towels and holding hands smile at me as they enter the elevator, and I get out. I swallow my feelings of envy and remind myself of why I’m there.
I pad down the carpeted hallway until I come to room fifty and knock on the door. Footsteps sound from inside, and then the door swings open. All air leaves my lungs at the sight of Thomas standing so close I could touch him, in just a towel tied low on his hips.
I swallow saliva as I take in his bare barrel of a chest before my gaze lifts to his face. He’s obviously just come from the shower, judging by the way his hair is matted to his scalp. He looks like a sculpture of a Greek god.
I reach deep into myself for the anger and indignation that made me drive for an hour and a half.
“Come in,” Thomas says in a cool voice as if he’d been expecting me.
I step in and turn to face him with my hands folded across my chest. It’s tough not to be distracted by the ripples of muscle on his chest.
He faces me, and our gazes meet.
“You’re a coward, Thomas Clarkson,” I say. “A real man would have faced me and told me he was tired of me rather than running off to hide in some resort.”
I’m warming up, but before I can say another word, Thomas takes a step forward, closing the distance between us. I stop breathing when he cups my face and captures my lips in a heated, passionate kiss.
I should push him away, but instead, I part my lips and welcome his prodding tongue into my mouth. My hands also refuse to obey my brain, and instead, they roam his muscular chest and shoulders.
His hands leave my face to cup my ass, pulling me against his impossibly hard cock, separated only by a towel. Heat envelopes my body, and suddenly, it’s too hot in the room.
“I’ve been going crazy thinking about you,” Thomas growls into my mouth.
I melt into him as he kisses my neck, setting me ablaze with longing. I throw my head back as he lowers his attention to my chest. I hear the pop of buttons, and seconds later, he helps me out of my blouse. I reach back and unclasp my bra while Thomas palms my nipples until they are hard bullets against the lacy material of my bra. I throw it to the floor, and Thomas gathers my breasts together and sucks and licks them while growling.
My moans fill the air, and I’m sorry for the people in the neighboring rooms. Thomas bites gently on my nipples, and I let out the loudest cry yet.
A warning bell goes off in my brain. What message am I passing on to Thomas?
That he can treat me casually, and I’ll forgive him.
He sucks on one nipple and pinches the other one. A shock of electricity shoots to my pussy. Any rational thoughts I might have had disappear, and all I can think about is getting out of my clothes. I undo the button of my pants, and with Thomas’s help, I pull them down, and then I’m gloriously naked. Thomas tugs on his towel, and it drops to the floor. One look at the massive steel-hard cock jutting out from his body and copious amounts of liquids gush out of my pussy.
“I need you to fuck me. Now.” I’m beyond shame or pride.
I climb on the bed and get on all fours, ready for him. Thomas doesn’t waste any time. The bed shifts as he climbs in after me. A strong hand grips my hip, and seconds later, I close my eyes as his cock throbs at the entrance of my pussy.
He senses what I need, and in one movement, he drives his cock inside me, filling me up and making me complete. Nothing matters except the almost unbearable pleasure that I feel.
With fast, powerful thrusts, he takes me close to the edge until I beg him to go harder. Faster. When I come, the orgasm is so powerful that it almost knocks me unconscious.
Chapter 16
Thomas
I still can’t believe that Cora is here. I’d thought about her so much since arriving in Carlsbad that when I saw her, I was sure I was seeing things.
What must she think of me? I behaved like a fucking animal. The moment she entered the room, I’d been on her like a cat in heat. The plan was to stay away from her until I was over my attraction for her. The opposite seems to have happened. The more I stayed away, the more obsessed I became. That plan clearly is not going to work.
What I need to do
is not to fight it. I know that my heart became ice when Tessa passed on. I lost my ability to fall in love. What I feel for Cora is all-consuming white-hot lust. The only way to get her out of my system is to give in to the affair. By the time the baby comes, I’m pretty sure she’ll be out of my system, and each of us can concentrate on the rest of our lives.
She stirs, turns to her side to face me, and places a cool hand on my chest. “Would you believe it if I told you that my purpose in coming here was not to be ravished?”
I laugh as does she. I’ve missed the sound of Cora’s laugh. I turn to her and stroke her hair. Now I’ve figured out what is happening between us, I’m comfortable with her and not frightened of my emotions. Lust is a powerful emotion.
“It doesn’t matter. You are here now, and I’m glad,” I tell her. “Do you feel like a walk on the beach before dinner?”
Her sexy leaf green eyes widen. “I can’t stay. I don’t have any clothes.”
“We’re at a beach resort. You don’t need clothes.”
She laughs. “True, but I do need some.”
Relief surges through me. She’ll give in. I think that she’s missed me as much as I’ve missed her. “There’s a gift shop downstairs with all sorts of clothes. Let’s take a quick shower and go and see what they have.”
“You’re very convincing, Dr. Clarkson.”
We reluctantly leave the bed and head to the shower.
“I love your curves,” I tell Cora as I’m lathering body wash all over her body. I can never have enough of touching and kissing her. She makes my own body come alive.
She stands under the water to rinse off, and then it’s my turn. I stand under the spray of water and allow it to cascade down my body. Cora rubs body wash over my chest, all the way to my cock.
“You’re insatiable,” she says, stroking my cock under the pretext of washing it.
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