“Fuck off, fuck off! Did you see? Did you? She licked him. I’ll kill the slut!” I tried to get up off the table they had me sitting on, but they held me down.
“Where is he? Sean? Where is he!” I screamed, beyond hysterical.
Lennon slapped me hard across the face, and I stopped dead in my tracks for a split second. Then I really let loose, I kicked him, clawed at him, bit, slapped, and punched him.
“Don’t touch me. I saw you. I fucking saw you. Why didn’t you tell me? She’s my best friend. Why wouldn’t either of you tell me, you fuckers?”
The door flew open as the room turned silent.
Sean… He was there. He was all I wanted. All that I needed. The rest could fuck off!
“Georgia, what the fuck do you think you’re doing? Why? Why did you do that?”
“She licked you,” I said quietly. I felt quite calm now that Sean was there. He, however, looked anything but.
“Lots of girls lick me or kiss me, or try to. It doesn’t mean anything. There’s hair everywhere out there. You can’t do that, G. There’s always gonna be girls, women, or fans that do shit like that. You can’t just beat them up.”
What?
I shrugged my shoulders defiantly, more than a little pissed off that he seemed to be taking her side. “What if that were me? What if someone did that to me? Would you just let them? Would you just do nothing?”
“No, of course I wouldn’t, but you’re not in a band, G.”
“So, because you are, I just have to leave it? I just have to stand there like a complete cunt and let girls do that to you?”
“That’s enough, George!” Lennon shouted from beside me. He and Marley had been so quiet I’d forgotten they were even there.
Sean walked towards me. “It’s just part of it, babe. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just part of what we do. I don’t kiss them back. It doesn’t mean anything, but they’re our fans and we have to put on a show. You can’t do that! You just can’t do that!” He kissed my cheek and my hair, and I calmed down a little bit more, but I wasn’t sorry.
I looked up as Jimmie came flying through the door. “Fucking hell, George! You ripped half the hair out of her head!” I stared at her blankly, and it all went quiet.
“You,” Marley said.
I looked up, not sure who he was talking to. It was Jimmie.
“You and him?” He gestured with his chin to Len. “All this time and you’ve been with him?”
“Marls,” Jim, Lennon, and Sean all said at the same time.
Sean… Sean knew and didn’t tell me?
Marley looked at Sean. “You knew too? You knew what was going on and didn’t tell me?”
“No, I didn’t know. Not for sure.”
“What does that mean?” Marley and I both asked at the same time.
“I watched them. How they were with each other. I thought that something was going on, but I didn’t know for sure.”
“Why didn’t you say something?” Marley asked him.
“I wouldn’t do that. What if I was wrong? Think of the trouble it might have caused between you two? You’re brothers. I wouldn’t do that to ya’s,” he said, shaking his head.
Sean had a complicated upbringing. His mum had left his dad when he was small. She packed up their things and ran away in the middle of the day with Sean while his dad was at work. She took Sean and left. With Sean’s dad’s brother!
Sean never saw his dad again. He had an idea that he had come looking for them and had gotten pretty close on more than one occasion. He’d attended three different primary schools and was now at his second, secondary school. Part of the reason he spent so much time at our house was because he hated his stepdad/uncle with a passion. He was seven when his mum left his dad, and over the years, he’d worked out exactly what had gone on. He was angry with his mum and his uncle, angry with his dad for not finding him, and angry with himself for caring.
Lennon looked around at all of us.
“Look, I’m sorry. We’re sorry. We wanted to tell everyone, but we were scared. I’m eighteen. She’s just turned fourteen. It don’t look good and it don’t look right.”
“That’s because it ain’t!” Marley shouted. “It’s wrong. She’s a kid, she’s a fucking kid.”
“I’m not a kid, and I love him. You’re my two best friends. Of course I wanted to tell ya’s, but we… we were scared. I’m sorry, George. I’ve nearly told ya so many times, but I was just scared.”
We all stood and looked at each other. The boys were due back on stage any minute and hadn’t even had a drink yet.
“Well, you should’ve told us. That’s all I’m saying.” I gave Jimmie and then Lennon a cuddle. Kind of understanding whybthey’d kept things quiet and feeling more than a little remorseful for opening my mouth. It wasn’t one of my finest moments.
Marley stormed out without saying a word.
“Fuck… I need a beer,” Sean stated.
“Go, get back on stage. I’ll bring you one,” Lennon said.
Sean brought his eyes down to meet mine. “Are you gonna behave now, G? Can I trust ya not to beat up any more of the fans?”
I shrugged. “As long as they keep their hands, lips, and tongues to themselves, I’ll be fine.”
He shook his head, kissed me hard on the mouth, and then said against my temple, “Show us your tits, G.”
Lennon and Jimmie had gone to the bar to get the band some drinks, and we were in the little back room by ourselves. With adrenalin still surging through me, I didn’t hesitate. I let him step away from me and then pulled up my Rolling Stones T-shirt and favourite pink bra and flashed him my tits as I slid off the table and stood to face him.
“Fuck, G. Fucking hell!”
He stood right in front of me with his knees slightly bent, bringing him down low, his gaze darted between my eyes and my then my completely exposed boobs. I watched a nerve twitch on the left side of his jaw and his Adam’s apple move rapidly as he swallowed continuously. He licked his lips. I stood and stared while his hand came up very slowly. He looked at me, seeking approval. I gave the slightest of nods. He cupped my boob and brushed his thumb over my nipple.
“Oh… Oh, Georgia,” he breathed heavily when he spoke. We heard a noise outside the door, and I pulled my top down quickly as we stepped apart.
Billy’s head appeared around the door. “C’mon, Maca. We’re waiting for ya.”
“Fuck off, I’m coming.”
The door slammed behind him and Sean and I locked eyes.
“Literally, G. I’m literally coming in my pants. That was a week’s worth of wanking material right there.” He pulled me in and kissed me. “I love ya, Georgia Rae. Come and dance by the stage so I can see your tits bounce. But don’t hit anyone.”
I left the back room and headed for the stage with Sean’s arm slung over my shoulder, feeling like the luckiest girl on the planet.
The other girls could lick, suck and attempt to kiss him all they liked, but he was mine. He would always be mine.
That Christmas still rates as one of the happiest of my life.
Sean bought me a beautiful silver necklace with a pair of angel wings joined in the middle with the letter G. I loved it and would treasure it forever.
* * *
In the February half term of 1983, Sean and I come back from the shops to find my house and the summerhouse empty. My parents were away in Tenerife. I was allowed to stay home because Marley and Lennon were there. My eldest brother Bailey had moved into a new house in Romford with his girlfriend, Donna. They phoned every night to make sure I was home and that there were no wild parties going on. Sean threw himself down on my bed while I put a tape in the portable boom box I’d got for Christmas. When I turned around and looked at him, he was leaning back on his elbows, running his tongue along his bottom lip.
“Show us your tits, G.”
I put my hands on my hips and looked at him for a while. I was wearing a vintage looking Marlon Brando T-sh
irt. It was Marley’s, but I loved it. Because it was too big, I’d tied it in a knot at my hip and paired it with jeans and a pair of Doc Martin boots, which I had already kicked off. I liked girly clothes, but I was surrounded by boys, so I liked a lot of what they wore too.
I stood facing Sean and put my hands down at my sides before swallowing hard. My mouth was dry and I felt sick with nerves, but I wanted this. I was ready for it.
I unbuttoned my jeans, slid them down my hips, and kicked them off. Without pausing for a breath, I pulled my T-shirt up over my head and took off my bra. Sean was sitting upright now, and his hands were gripping the edge of the mattress, his eyes as wide as saucers. I took two steps towards him and stood between his legs. His eyes slowly made their way up my body, and I watched as they moved side to side while he gazed at each of my boobs. His tongue darted out and over his lips again and again. He placed his hands on my hips and very slowly slid them up my body. When they were level with my boobs, he cupped them in each hand and rubbed his thumbs over each of my nipples. He pulled me closer to him, took the left one in his mouth, and sucked it. His eyes were looking up at mine the whole time. I was shaking so badly that I just hoped he couldn’t feel it as he held onto me.
“G… What… Are we doing this?”
I nodded my head. We had talked and talked about this. We’d been there with our hands, and I knew, I was absolutely sure that I was ready. I also knew that there’d never be anyone for me but Sean, and I just wanted to get this first time over with. He wasn’t a virgin. I knew he’d been shagging girls in that first couple of years we were pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend.
Well, he was pretending, I thought it was real.
It hurt when he confessed, but he swore he’d not touched another girl since we spoke to my parents in Portugal, and I believed him. He pulled his T-shirt up over his head, and I looked down over his body. He and Marley had set up a home gym in the summerhouse and they were working out almost daily since my dad had bought it for them as a joint Christmas present last year. He looked so much broader than he had the previous summer and had a line of hairs running down the middle of his chest, a few around his nipples, then all the way down to beneath the waistline of his jeans. He stood in front of me, undid his jeans, and pulled them off with his boxers and socks. I pulled down my knickers and stepped out of them, and once again, he looked me up and down.
“You’re beautiful, G, so beautiful. Are you sure you’re safe?”
I nodded my head. Six months ago, Jimmie’s older sister told us that if we went to the family planning clinic and complained about heavy periods, they would put us on the pill. They did, and I had taken it regularly during those previous three months.
“Yes! Are you sure you’ve never done it? Without a condom, I mean?” I asked.
We’d been learning about this new disease in our social education classes at school called AIDS, and somehow, people were catching it from sex. I was fourteen. I didn’t want to die from a sex disease. My brothers would kill me.
We lay down on the bed, side by side.
Then he moved lower and began kissing me. He kissed me from my ankles to the top of my head and out to my fingertips.
He reassured me and asked if I was okay continuously.
He worshipped me endlessly, and then after using his fingers on me for a few minutes, Sean climbed on top. All the while, he continued to ask if I was sure and assured me that he’d be gentle.
“I love you, Georgia Rae Layton. I love ya so much. I’m gonna push inside you now… I’ll go very slowly, but it might hurt a bit. If it’s too much… If it hurts too much, G, tell me and I’ll stop. Okay?”
I nodded. I was shaking from my head to my toes. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins, my heart, and my body, which was totally naked and pressed against Sean’s as close as two people could be. He used his hand to line himself up before lacing our fingers together at the side of our heads and looking deep into my eyes, while he slowly nudged his way inside me. There was no pain at first. In fact, I didn’t feel anything, other than fear, embarrassment, and desire. Then it stung, and I winced, causing him to stop.
“You okay, babe?” I nodded and let out a breath. “Just a little bit more and I’ll be in.”
“You’re not in yet?”
He laughed. “No, G. I’m nowhere near in yet. Are you ready?”
“Yes, Sean. Will you just shag me, please?”
He laughed, shook his head, kissed my mouth, and then looked into my eyes as he slid in.
And, oh fuck… in.
Ow.
And in.
“I’m… fuck, G. That feels so nice. I’m in. Is it okay if I move?”
I bit down on my bottom lip as he started to move, and oh did he move. It wasn’t amazing sex. It wasn’t really long, drawn out sex, but it was sweet. It was sweet, beautiful lovemaking between two kids that were absolutely one hundred percent sure that they’d love each other for the rest of their lives. Half an hour later, we considered ourselves experts and had another go. This time we were entirely different with each other. By the time we went for round three, I was brave enough to climb on top and experienced my first orgasm of the day.
And all I could think was why did I wait so long?
Chapter Four
“I think we shall have a boy first, or maybe two, then we’ll have a girl.”
“Three kids? I only want two.” Sean turned his head and looked up at me with his brown eyes. I continued combing my fingers through his dark brown hair. He was wearing it a bit shorter than he used to, but there was still enough for me to grab a handful.
“But I want a little girl, and she’s going to be beautiful like you. So she’ll need at least two big brothers to protect her from boys like me.”
I stroked my hand over his whiskers while I smiled down at him. We were totally naked, lying in Sean’s bed. His mum and stepdad were away on holiday, so we spent all of our time there instead of at my house. It was a whole year since we first started having sex, and we were so comfortable with each other that we had no issues with wandering around the house with no clothes on in front of each other.
Tonight was extra special. I had lied to my parents. They thought I was staying at Jimmie’s, but instead, I was there with Sean, and we were finally going to spend an entire night together. It was cold outside and we’d been in bed for most of the afternoon, making love, smoking weed, and playing music. I was seated with my back against the headboard of Sean’s bed, while he was lying with his head in my naked lap. I was fifteen years old, he was seventeen, and there was nothing we didn’t know about love and life. We had it all worked out, or at least we thought we did.
While he completed his A-levels, Sean was working part time for my dad The band was doing great and had bookings most weekends. They’d performed at a couple of festivals the previous summer and were re-booked for the next summer. They’d saved enough money to go into a studio and produce a demo tape. Lennon and my dad had sent it out to different music companies, and after a few weeks, they’d received a call from one of the biggest companies around. A meeting had been set up for the following Thursday.
This really could be it! The big time for Carnage! Well, bigger than playing pubs and birthday parties.
Sean and I decided that as soon as I was done with school, we would get married. That way my parents wouldn’t mind when I went on tour with the band, because once they made it big, which they would, a tour would be in the cards. Sean and I didn’t want to be apart, ever. Once the band recorded their first album and completed the tour, we would have enough money to put a deposit on a house, and then we could start thinking about babies. We’d even picked their names. We would have a boy named Beau and a girl named Lilly, but Sean was wanting to throw another boy in the mix, so we’d have to think about another boy’s name.
“I have three big brothers, and it didn’t protect me from you. Besides, if we have a little girl that grows up and meets a boy like you, then s
he’ll be very lucky.”
“I don’t want a boy like me sniffing around my thirteen year old daughter, G. I’ll kill him, I swear, I will kill him.”
I laughed at the way he got so angry at a hypothetical situation, and I was squirming inside at the thought of him being an overprotective dad to our daughter.
I smiled down at him some more. “I’ll make sure she’s clued up and knows how to handle a boy like you if one should come along. Besides, if they love each other like we do, does it matter?”
“No, I suppose not. But if he puts his hands on her… Let’s not talk about it, G. It pisses me off. I don’t know how your brothers haven’t killed me yet, especially Lennon.”
Lennon and Jimmie were still going strong, but it was a secret from both sets of parents. We’d told so many lies over that last year just so we could spend time alone with our boyfriends that it would take someone from the Krypton Factor to work out the truth from the lies. My tummy grumbled loudly, and Sean, whose ear was on my belly, burst into laughter.
“Let’s eat! We need to get ready for the gig soon.”
The boys were playing at the local pub that night. It was their regular gig, provided they didn’t get another booking, and it was the weekend before Valentine’s Day. It had been booked as a ticket only event and sold out a couple weeks ago. We ate a bowl of sugar puffs each. Took a shower, which led to our first ever shower sex experience, and then we got dressed. We jumped into Sean’s new Ford Escort XR3I that my dad had gotten hold of for a really good price when Sean passed his test a few months back. I loved it and felt like a princess when we drove about in it. The pub was only a ten minute drive, but we arrived late and Lennon wasn’t happy. Marley was even less so, but then that was nothing new. Everything seemed to piss Marley off these days. I never realised just how much he liked Jimmie, and he must’ve been having a hard time dealing with her and Lennon being together. We used to be so close, but he was so moody and withdrawn that we hardly ever spoke nowadays.
Carnage Boxset Page 4