“No, babe. We went to bed about eleven and you were soundo, so I turned off your music and covered you with a blanket.” She tilted her head and looked at me. “Marley or Lennon didn’t call either. Perhaps the boys were just tired after all the travelling and had an early night.”
“Yeah perhaps.” But I knew they hadn’t. Even then, I knew something was wrong, but until the call came, I had no idea how very wrong things actually were.
I heard nothing at all until Thursday night. I had given up waiting for Sean’s call for another night, and I was on my way to bed when the phone rang. I stared at it for a few seconds before picking it up.
“Hello.”
“Georgia?”
My heart hurt, each beat was painful. I dared not breathe.
Just his tone. The way he said my name. I knew. I just knew.
“Sean, what’s wrong?”
“I love you, G.”
Everything about my world up until that point ended, gone, ceased to exist.
He was crying.
I didn’t want to know, but I asked anyway.
“Sean, what’s wrong?”
“I’m so sorry, G. I love you, just know that. Just hold onto that fact, I love you. I will always love you.”
Bile rose up my throat. Tears streamed down my cheeks and my legs battled to keep me upright as I swayed.
“Sean, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”
I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream so that he would never get to say the words. If he didn’t tell me, it wouldn’t be true.
I would never know and we could just pretend it never happened.
Couldn’t we?
I was so hot. My skin felt like it was on fire, permanently scorched by his words. But my insides, my insides felt cold, the kind of cold that never really warms up, the kind of cold that you never recover from.
“I love you, G, always. Wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, it will always only ever be you.”
“Sean, Sean?”
The line went dead.
My life as I knew it ended.
I held onto the phone as I slid down the wall. My legs finally losing their fight to keep me upright, and my heart pounded so hard I could feel it throughout my entire body. My back bounced with its echo as I pressed against the wall. I don’t know how long I’d been sitting there when my mum slid down to sit next to me. I became aware of the phone still in my hand, bleeping. My mum took it from me and placed it back on the hook.
I was numb. I didn’t know what had happened, but I knew it was bad. I thought that if I remained numb, it might help protect me from whatever was to come my way.
I was wrong.
So very wrong.
“What’s going on George? Was that Sean?”
I shook my head at her, and then I nodded, I think I shrugged. “I don’t know, but I have a feeling it’s something bad. Mum, can Dad get the number of the hotel and talk to Lennon? Something’s wrong, and I’m really not… it’s bad Mum, I just know that it’s bad.” I threw myself into her arms. I felt sick with fear. All of the playing at being a grown up in a very grown-up world had come to an end, and I was just a sixteen-year-old girl who wanted her mum.
“Shush, baby girl, what did he say? Frank, can you get up here.”
My dad was there in an instant. “What the fuck’s wrong? Who was on the phone, Georgia? Who’s upset ya, Princess?”
“Daddy, please phone Lennon. I can’t remember if they are in France or Germany, or in a hotel or on the bus. I can’t remember, but something’s wrong. Something isn’t right. Sean was crying and saying sorry. Find out for me, Dad, find the boys and sort it out for me, please,” I begged.
My dad was kneeling in front of me, and I was gripping his shirt in my fists. I had tears, but I wasn’t actually crying. I was hysterical, but I had no idea yet why.
“Calm yourself down, Princess. I’ll make some calls and see what I can find out. You know the boys. They’ve probably had too much to drink and are just messing about. Go and get into bed, and I’ll have it all sorted out by the morning.”
I shook my head. “No, I want to wait up. I won’t be able to sleep. I need to know he’s okay, that they’re all okay.”
My dad cupped my face in his hands and kissed my forehead. He was my dad, and I was his princess. He would make everything right. He always did.
I curled under a blanket on the sofa with my mum. My dad made calls for what seemed like hours, and then at about two in the morning, he came and sat in his favourite armchair with a coffee in his hand.
“I’ve left messages everywhere, George. With the record label and with the lawyers. They landed in France this morning. They have a night off tonight, and I’ve called the hotel, but none of them are in their rooms. If there were anything wrong with any of the boys, Lennon would’ve called. I know he would have.”
I nodded at him, and despite what he said, I still had this horrible knot of dread pulling tight in my stomach.
“George, let’s go and get in bed. Dad will wait up for the phone and come and get us when someone calls.”
My mum looked exhausted, but I knew she wouldn’t go to bed unless I did. She held out her hand to me, I took it, and followed her up the stairs to my bed. We both got in, and I laid with my head on her chest like I used to when I was a little girl and let the slow, steady rhythm of her heartbeat and the familiar smell of her Dior perfume soothe me to sleep.
I woke to the sound of my dad shouting. The sun was streaming through my bedroom window, and I blinked a few times as I looked around my room. Glancing at my clock, I noticed it was just after eight fifteen. I’d actually managed to sleep quite a long time. I suddenly heard what sounded like my mum crying, and my stomach lurched. I flew out of bed and down to the kitchen, which was full of my dad’s blokes. I didn’t know exactly what they did, but they’d all been working for him for as long as I could remember. My dad was talking on the phone and pacing the kitchen. The lead stretched from the wall past Marcus, my dad’s lawyer, where he was sitting at the breakfast bar. Nick, my dad’s sometimes driver, was sitting next to him. Standing talking to him was Tony, the bloke who looked after security at a couple of pubs my dad had recently bought. Standing in the middle of the room with his arms wrapped around my mum as she cried into his chest was my dad’s brother, my Uncle Fin. The whole room fell silent when I walked in.
“Mum?”
My dad’s eyes shot up to mine before he looked me up and down. I’d jumped out of bed in a hurry, and since I hadn’t expected a house full of men, I hadn’t thought about the fact that I was wearing just a T-shirt and a pair of knickers. I blushed, because I knew my dad would be angry. He was very old-fashioned about what I wore, even around the house.
“For fuck’s sake, Georgia, go and put some clothes on!”
“What’s going on? Mum, why are you crying?”
My dad raked his hand through his hair. I noticed he was still wearing yesterday’s clothes and hadn’t shaved.
“Get some clothes on, George, and we’ll talk then.”
I turned to walk up the stairs, and as I did, I heard Marcus say, “What are you going to tell her?”
“I have no fucking idea,” Dad replied, and the knot of dread and fear pulled even tighter in my belly.
I threw on a pair of joggers and an old sweatshirt of Sean’s that I’d never washed. It smelled more of me than it did of him, but I still refused to let my mum wash it. I was back down in the kitchen in less than a minute. Everyone’s eyes were again on me when I re-entered the room. My mum was sitting down at our big dining table, drinking a cup of tea, and my dad gestured with his chin.
“Sit down, George. We need to talk.”
I shook my head. I was so scared my feet were rooted to the floor. So many thoughts were rushing through my mind.
“Daddy, did one of the boys die? Is Sean or Marley dead, Daddy?”
He rushed towards me and held me in his big arms, and I sunk into his chest. He squeez
ed me tight before walking me over to the dining table and sitting me in the chair next to my mum. She reached out and held my hand. I looked from her to my dad, who was now sitting on the other side of me. I wanted to hear the words. I wanted someone to tell me what happened, but at the same time, I didn’t. If they were going to spoil my perfect life, my perfect love, and my perfect future, then I didn’t ever want to hear the words I could see my dad was struggling as he rubbed his hands over his dark stubble continuously.
“Georgia, there’s been some trouble.”
“No!” my dad roared at Marcus as he started to speak. “I will do this, you keep the fuck quiet.”
My dad was a big man at six feet three or four, I couldn’t remember right then, and until that moment, I’d never before been scared of him.
He took my free hand in his. “Look, George, there’s no easy way to say this. There’s been some trouble on the tour. The boys got into Paris yesterday, checked into their hotel, and ended up having a bit of a party around the pool. Things got a bit wild, and it ended up back in Marley and Sean’s room. Some allegations have been made, and Sean and Marley have been arrested.”
“What?”
“Things just got a bit out of hand. I’m gonna fly over there this afternoon with Marcus and some legal geezers from the record label to try to sort this mess out.”
“Arrested for what? What did they do? Was it drugs?”
My head spun in confusion.
What on earth could they have done?
My dad looked down at our joined hands, and I followed his stare. My mum reached over and put her hand on top of Dad’s so the three of us were touching, and I looked back up at my dad as he shook his head.
“Rape, Georgia. They’ve both been charged with rape and a few other lesser things.”
Rape?
No.
No. No. No.
“What? Rape? Na, na, no way! This is Marley and Sean, Dad. They wouldn’t rape anyone. Why would they? Why would Sean?”
This was a mistake. A huge fucking mistake.
“I don’t know all the details, yet. They’re not telling us much over the phone. That’s why I need to get there with the briefs and sort things out.”
Rape!
I was numb. What on earth happened that led to a rape charge?
“I’m coming with you.”
“No,” both my parents said at the same time.
“No, George, I need you to stay here and look after your mum. We’ll have this sorted in no time. Once we do, we’ll get you over to see them. Besides, they’re holding them in cells at a police station right now. Let me go and get it all sorted, and then perhaps you can fly over next week once your English exam is out of the way.”
“No, no. I can’t wait that long. I want to go with you. Fuck the exam. I need to be with Sean and Marley.” I knew my voice was rising along with my hysteria.
“No, George. It ain’t happening. You’ll stay here with your mum, and that’ll be the end of it.”
I didn’t argue. I couldn’t think how to.
He rubbed his thumb over my cheek, leant forward, and kissed my nose before standing and heading off to the bathroom for a shower. I sat at the dining table, staring blankly at my mum’s hand holding mine. I felt sick, I felt scared, I felt a little bit angry, and for the first time ever in my life, I doubted my dad’s ability to make everything right. The front doorbell rang, and I jumped. My mum stood from the table and squeezed my shoulder on her way to answer the door.
I could hear my mum talking quietly to someone, and then Jimmie appeared in front of me.
“George,” was all she said as I stood up from the table and gave her a cuddle.
“What a fucking mess, George. I didn’t know until early this morning, and I didn’t want to call in case you hadn’t heard. She’s a bitch, and I don’t believe a word of it.”
My stomach hit the floor, and my heart stuttered in my chest.
She?
I didn’t want to know.
But at the same time, I did.
So, I asked.
“Who, Jim?”
She looked from me to my mum and frowned.
“Who, Jim?” I repeated.
“Haley the whore.”
A wave of nausea hit me, and I had to grip the edge of the table.
“It’s Haley the whore who’s saying she was raped? How? Why would she say that? Why—How—Was she—Was she in their room, Jim?”
My best friend stepped towards me, and in my head, I was begging her not to lie to me, but in my heart, I was willing her to protect me from the truth.
“Let’s go up to your room, George.”
I let out a deep breath and followed her up to my bedroom. I was freezing, so I climbed under the quilt, and Jimmie joined me.
“I won’t lie to you, George. This is what Lennon told me. He said that the boys left Spain Monday after us. They had no gig that night and all went to a party that Rocco threw in his room. Len said it was madness. Women, drugs, and drink—the usual KR sort of a do. The room was trashed and everyone was suffering the next day.”
“Including, Sean?” I didn’t know why I asked. I knew what the answer was going to be.
“All of them, including Sean.” She nodded as she spoke, “They played so bad that night that Len ordered them straight back to their room Tuesday night and barred any calls from being made, so they couldn’t order in booze or drugs or girls. Wednesday, they were in lockdown and only allowed to rehearse and sound check before going straight back to the room after the show. They flew into Paris Thursday morning, and Marley and Lennon had a big bust up. Marl’s goes straight to the bar with Rocco and the rest of KR. Sean joined them after a while, and they took over the pool area. Rocco called up girls from everywhere. Apparently, Haley flew in around lunchtime and started partying with them. She was all over Sean and Marley. They all went back to their room at about seven o’clock, pissed and all off their tits on Charlie, Whizz, and trips. Next thing Len knew, Haley was on the landing, stark bollock naked, screaming the place down, and saying that she wants the police called because Sean and Marley had taken turns raping her. Hotel management called the police, everyone made statements, and then Maca and Marls were taken away.”
I listened but didn’t hear.
I heard but didn’t listen.
He took her back to his room.
Her.
Him.
His room.
She was still talking when I jumped off the bed and ran into my bathroom to throw the contents of my stomach down the toilet. Jimmie appeared behind me, held my hair back, and rinsed out a flannel to place on the back of my neck. I stayed on my knees for a few minutes and waited for the room to stop spinning. Jim passed me a glass of water. I rinsed my mouth and spat it into the toilet before sitting back down on my bed.
“Why was she in their room?”
“I don’t know, George. I only know what I’ve told ya, nothing else. Len’s gonna ring here as soon as he knows anything. He’s not been allowed to speak with the boys yet, but he said the label reps are flying their lawyers out there.”
I nodded. “Yeah, my dad’s going, too. Why was she in their room, Jim? I just can’t see why she needed to be there? Unless they were all shagging?”
“Don’t, George. Don’t do this to yourself, not until we know all the details. This is Whorely we’re talking about. She’d do anything for her five minutes of fame, you know that.”
“Yeah, and I also know that she’s been after Sean forever and that Sean should never have had a girl in his room. If Marley brought her back, then Sean should have gone to Len’s room, not stayed there with them—with her.”
I was angry. Fuck him!
If he wanted the rock and roll lifestyle, then fuck him, he could have it, but there was no way I was going to sit at home like the dutiful little wifey while he shagged whores and snorted lines of coke. Serves him right if he was locked up. There was no way I was flying out to be with him,
let him sweat it out for a bit. I went over to my bedside drawer, pulled out my engagement ring, and held it up to Jimmie.
“He proposed, Jim. Saturday night before the show, he asked me to marry him. We were keeping it secret until he got home and could ask my dad and do it properly.” I looked from my best friend to my ring.
“Oh my God, George. It’s huge, put it on.”
I couldn’t, not now. I shook my head. “No! No way! Not until he stands in front of me and gives me his version of events. He needs to look me in the eyes and tell me nothing happened with that slut. Until then, I don’t want to talk to or hear from him.”
“Don’t be stupid, G. You don’t mean that.” She laughed nervously at me.
“Oh, I fucking mean it, Jim. This is only the start. They’ve not even made the big time yet and already there are problems with whores and coke. If that’s the life he wants, then he can have it. I won’t be waiting at home for him while he does all that shit.”
“George, he wouldn’t, he loves you and he wants to marry you. Fucking hell, don’t be so harsh. It was probably all Marley’s fault anyway. You saw him over the weekend. He is so Charlied up all the time he doesn’t know what he’s doing.” Even as she spoke, I could feel the little man in my chest with his trowel, his bricks, and his little pile of cement, building a wall around my heart to protect it from what was to come.
The next few days were the worst I’d ever endured in my short life. Days that would change me forever. My dad and the lawyers had the boys out of custody and performing on stage by Friday night. I heard nothing from Sean all day Saturday, and my dad phoned Saturday afternoon to tell us that Haley had withdrawn the allegations and had actually admitted to being the owner of all the drugs that were found in the room.
The boys had no gigs until Wednesday night in Stockholm, so straight after the show Saturday night, they were going to fly back to England for a couple of days. I thought Sean would have phoned before they left, but I heard nothing and was becoming more and more pissed off with him.
I was hurt and I was angry.
My mum, Jimmie, and I went for an Indian Saturday night and drank four bottles of wine between us. Jimmie and I were fine, but my skinny little Mum, who wasn’t a big drinker, was absolutely hilarious when we got home and started playing records. The three of us danced around my parent’s front room and sang into whisks and spoons, before collapsing on the sofa in a fit of giggles. I was barely hanging on. I was heartbroken, and I was sad. I felt like Sean had abandoned me for this new life, but I refused point-blank to let anyone else know what I was really feeling. I just pretended that my tears were from laughter and not because my heart was shattered.
Carnage Boxset Page 9