“I’m going to kiss you, Georgia. I’m going to kiss you and then we’re going to leave because if we don’t leave the minute I stop kissing you, I’m going to drag you to your bedroom and fuck you senseless for the rest of the weekend.”
I didn’t get a chance to reply. Shit, I didn’t even get a chance to think too much before his soft, full lips were on mine. Gently at first. I opened my mouth slightly, he tasted minty and fresh, and his tongue slid along my bottom lip before he plunged it deep into my mouth, dancing, stroking, and teasing mine. I reached up and grabbed his hair in both of my hands, giving out a little moan as he licked the inside of my bottom lip. My moaning apparently had an effect on him, because he cupped my arse and pulled me into him, grinding against me. I could feel his erection pressing into my belly, and I moaned again.
“Fuck off making that noise, Georgia, before I stop being responsible for my actions.”
I wanted to do it again. I wanted to give out the tiniest of little moans just to see what his reaction would be. But if he initiated sex, I didn’t know if I’d be able to resist, and I wasn’t yet sure if I was ready for that with him. I wanted this to be different. I didn’t want to rush straight into something physical. I was terrified because he made me consider the possibility of something more.
I stepped back and put some distance between us. Not much, but enough to allow me to think straight.
“Let’s go.”
Cam stilled, holding his breath. I wondered what I’d said to cause his reaction, but then I got it.
“Out, I mean. Let’s go out.”
Oh. He’d thought I meant let’s go for it, bed, sex, or whatever.
We needed to leave.
We drove into London and enjoyed dinner at a beautiful Italian restaurant in Knightsbridge. It was very upmarket, and there were a couple of photographers hanging about outside because apparently, it was somewhere that celebs hung out. Thankfully, the paps weren’t interested in the likes of us. The staff seemed to know who Cam was, though. They greeted him by name and made a fuss while the hostess led us to our table. We sat, chatted, and enjoyed the food, the wine, and each other’s company. I learned that he had a flat above the wine bar, which made us neighbours. He also had a flat in Islington and a house out in Stock, near Billericay, but he didn’t get out to it much because of his work commitments. I wasn’t really sure what those commitments were, though. He was a little evasive when I questioned him. We talked about my work. He asked how mine and my mum’s business came about and how we came up with the name Posh Frocks. I explained it was what my dad always called the dresses that my mum wore.
My heart began to hammer in my chest a little too hard when he asked about my brothers. I don’t know why it happened, but I started to feel like it was beating so hard I could feel it pounding in my throat, making it difficult to get air in. I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack when he asked what Lennon and Marley did. I stared down at the table and tried to control my breathing, focusing only on the food left on my plate, which was entirely the wrong thing to do. The thought of food added to the nausea I was feeling and my shortness of breath started to add to my panic. His hand reached across the table to mine, which was gripping hold of my napkin, clenching into a fist. Cam took my hand and uncurled my fingers.
“Georgia, it’s fine.”
I slowly brought my eyes up to meet his gaze, and he dipped his head slightly, shook it, and said, “It’s fine, don’t worry about it, babe. Tell me another time.” His deep voice was soft and gentle, and I nodded slightly as my breathing began to slow.
It was ridiculous! I’d been separated from Sean for almost four years. I hadn’t seen him once in person in all that time, and yet, just the thought of explaining my brother’s involvement with Carnage and the fear of being questioned about the band had me hyperventilating.
Fuck you, Sean McCarthy! Fuck you, and what you’ve done to my life.
As was always the case when I thought of Sean, my hand went to my throat to my silver angel wings holding the letter G. It sat there as a silent reminder of what was, what I had, and what I’d lost. I needed it. As painful as it was, I needed to have that link with me at all times. A silent piece of him as close to my heart as I’d allowed anything to be over those past years. I pulled my hand out from under Cam’s, picked up my napkin. I spent a moment attempting to tie it into a knot, before looking up at him and saying, “I can’t… I can’t tell you, and I can’t talk about it.”
He nodded slowly,
I took a long gulp of my wine, draining my glass. “I’m sorry.”
He gave me a little smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He looked concerned, and I just felt like a complete bitch. I was out on a date in a restaurant almost in tears over a bloke that cheated on me four years ago, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I couldn’t change how I felt. I still loved Sean. I missed him, and I longed for him, and I still couldn’t talk about him. I only had a few more months before the wedding, and I’d be standing in the same church as him. Then I’d be sitting in the same room at the wedding reception as him. No doubt, I would spend the entire day and the whole night, trying—no, forcing myself not to look in his direction. Just the thought of that day and how painful it was going to be had the blood rushing through my ears again. And once more, I was swallowing hard, trying to stop the dinner I’d just eaten from coming back up and reintroducing itself to the plate it was originally served on.
“Do you want to leave, Georgia?” Cam asked me very quietly.
I nodded. I didn’t want to speak because I didn’t think I could. My chest felt so tight, it was all I could do to breathe. I just wished I could cry, just once. If I could let go of the tears then perhaps I could let go of some of the pain.
I didn’t even notice Cam gesture to the waiter, but he must’ve because he was there with the bill in an instant. Cam paid him in cash and then stood and helped me put on my jacket. He was the perfect gentleman. We waited for just a few seconds for the car to be brought around. Before the valet was even out of the car, Cam had the door to the passenger side open and helped guide me in. After tipping the valet, he took his keys and slid in beside me. Then, he pulled silently into the Saturday night traffic of London’s elite SW1. We drove in silence until we were almost at my flat.
“I’m so sorry about tonight, Cam. The restaurant was beautiful, and the food was fantastic. I’m so sorry my stupid behaviour ruined it.”
He kept his eyes on the road and said nothing. I’d totally blown it. I liked Cam, he was the first bloke since Sean to stir any kind of interest in me, and I’d just gone and fucked up any chance I might’ve had with him. I had absolutely no idea how I could try to make it better.
Perhaps if we fucked?
If we got the sex out of the way first, it might help me to move on. I was pretty positive Cam would be spectacular in bed, and after feeling the length of his dick pressed against me, I was sure that he’d finally give me the orgasm I was so desperate for. I could DIY no problem. I’d invested in a perfect little toy that meant I could come in a matter of seconds on my own, but I hadn’t had an orgasm with a man in almost four years.
Since Spain with Sean.
Sean!
Sean, fucking, Sean!
I let out a huff of frustration that I didn’t mean to, just as Cam parked his car in the spot outside my flat.
He finally turned and looked at me. “Have you ever had help, Georgia?”
“What? What kind of help?”
“Psychological help? Help to try to get over whatever it was that happened to you.”
My hand instantly flew up to my neck.
“Help to try to deal with whatever he did to you.” He gestured with the tilt of his chin towards where my hand rested on my necklace.
Bloody hell, he thought I was mad.
He thought I was insane.
Am I?
I was completely fucked up, I knew that much, but I didn’t think I was insan
e. I instead chose to ignore the comment and the question.
“Would you like to come in for a coffee?”
“You really want me to come in?”
I nodded. I did. I really didn’t want to be alone. I was so sick of being alone, and I was so sick of being lonely.
When Sean did what he did in that room, not only did I lose him and the life that we’d planned together but I also lost Jimmie, Lennon, and Marley. Suddenly, it was all ripped away from me. I knew I still got to see Len and Jim, but we could’ve all been so much closer. I would’ve been involved with the band, touring with them and seeing my brothers and my best friend almost daily. Instead, they all went off and rode the Carnage fame wave, while I quietly slipped off back to school, all on my own.
While I was lost in my own thoughts, Cam had gotten out of the car made his way to the passenger side and opened my door. I stared up at him blankly for a few seconds before I realised he was waiting for me to get out. He took my hand, placed his other hand on the top of my head so I wouldn’t bump it, and guided me out of the car and up the stairs to my flat.
My dad had insisted on two sets of security doors when his blokes worked on the refurbishment. You unlock the first door, walked along a short corridor before you reach the front door that eventually allows access to my place. It wasn’t huge, but it was mine, and I’d decorated it exactly how I wanted.
My mum wanted floral wallpaper and dado rails, but I wanted plain painted walls and a leather sofa. A Chesterfield in fact, because it reminded me of the summerhouse. Just the smell of the leather alone would make my belly flip every time I came home. My parents still had that old sofa that Sean and I had had sex on more than once.
Sean!
Sean!
“I think you need a real drink, not a coffee. What do you have in?” Cam’s concerned voice interrupted my inappropriate thoughts.
“Sorry, what?” I was sitting on a stool at my breakfast bar, and I had no idea how I had gotten there.
He didn’t wait for an answer, he just started opening cupboards until he found the bottle of Drambuie I always kept for when my dad came over. He pulled a couple of whisky tumblers from the shelf above and poured two large measures into both. Then he added ice from the freezer. Placing both the glasses down in front of me, he stood on one side of the bench top, and leant forward on his elbows, facing me while I sat on my stool on the other side. He tilted his glass towards me.
“Cheers?”
It was a question, not a toast. I picked up my glass and tapped it against his, nodding slightly.
“Cheers,” I stated.
He looked at me for a long while. I just knew he was going to talk, and I knew he was going to ask questions. And rightly so, I’d behaved like a complete head case. He took me out to a nice restaurant. He’d behaved with impeccable manners and had shown the patience of a saint. So, he was more than entitled to ask a few questions if he felt inclined. Whether I’d be able to answer them without having another complete meltdown was another thing.
“Why do you wear it if it causes you so much pain?”
What’s he talking about?
“The necklace, why wear it?” I raised my hand, thought better of it, and put it back down.
He was very perceptive.
My belly flipped upside down and then felt like it was trying to turn itself inside out.
“I really like you, Georgia, but I need to know what I’m up against. I want to know who I’m up against.” He was quiet for a few seconds. “I’m not some kind of a cunt. If it’s a bloke and he’s still about or if you’re still involved, I’ll walk away and leave you to it. I want you, George, fuck, do I want you, but I want you to come to me willingly, and I want you to come to me single. I don’t share.”
I sipped at my drink, enjoying the warmth as it slid down my throat and landed in my acrobatic belly. I watched as Cam drained his glass and poured another drink.
“Are you with someone?”
Ha, am I?
Sean! Yes, I’m with Sean, but only in my head. In real life, I’m alone, so fucking alone.
“Georgia?”
“No! No, I’m not with anybody. I haven’t been with anybody for years. I’m very single.”
“What about all the blokes you came into the wine bar with? You were with them.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “No, I wasn’t. They were with me, but I was never with them.”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I wish you’d tell me. If you told me who or what I was up against. I mean give me a fucking clue here, even about us, George. What do you want? Why did you even come out with me tonight?”
My heart was hitting my ribs with such force that it almost winded me. I closed my eyes and thought about my answer. I went for honesty.
“You looked after me the other night. You’re getting my car sorted, you make me feel safe, and I like you. I wanted to go out with you and to get to know you, but I just can’t talk to you about him.”
“So it is a bloke then?”
I nodded slightly, and he dragged one hand through his dark hair.
“Well, that’s a start at least. Look, I may be way out of line with this, but I’ve gotta ask. This ain’t nothin’ to do with your brothers is it?”
My stomach was now doing a pirouette as well as back flips. How does he know that?
“They’ve never done anything? I mean, your brothers have never done anything, they’ve never touched you or anything have they?”
What.
The.
Fuck!
“What? No, no, fuck no! My brothers are my… I love my brothers. What the fuck are you saying?”
“Every time I mention them, I mean, the younger two, you freak out. I thought it had something to do with them, I thought they’d done something to ya. I’m sorry if I’m wrong, but I had to ask.”
“Fucking hell, Cam. What sort of a family do you think I come from? What sort of person d’ya think I am? It’s nothing like that, nothing.”
“Then what for fuck’s sake? I’m fucking lost, George. Everything I say is wrong. Everything I say sends you off somewhere. I lose you for a few seconds or you look like you’re about to hyperventilate, and I have no idea what it is that I’ve said that’s caused it.”
I felt terrible. I liked him, I really did like him, but I had no idea how far I was willing to take this.
Was I ready to take this any further than a few dates and a few fucks? Was he?
I was a mess, and he deserved better.
“It’s a bloke, and I’m not over it. I’m not over him, and I don’t know if I ever will be. No one else has ever come close. The others, Lee and the other nine I’ve strung along over the last six months were just…” I shrugged and looked around the room while I tried to think of a word. “They were revenge. They were payback. They were me trying to make myself feel better. They were me being a bad person.”
“And is that what this is? Is that what I am, revenge? You trying to make yourself feel better?”
“No!” I almost shouted. That was not what he was, and I didn’t want him to think that. “No, Cam. That’s the problem. I like you, you’re the first.” Shit, I thought I might actually cry. For the first time in four years, I thought I might actually cry. I swallowed it down. “You’re the first since him that’s made me feel anything. The others were nothing, and I felt nothing. But you, you’re different, and I’m struggling, I’ve never let anyone one in. I’ve not allowed myself to feel. I haven’t even cried… since him, not once.”
He looked at me, frowning with confusion “When was this, how long ago?”
“Almost four years.”
“You haven’t cried in four years?”
“No,” I said quietly and shook my head.
He came around the breakfast bar and stood in front of where I was sitting on the stool. He opened his legs, placing them either side of mine so he could get closer, and then he wrapped his arms around me, pulling my head to his
chest.
“What the fuck did he do to you, Kitten? What did he do? I want to know, then I want to make it better.”
Kitten.
I loved it when he called me that.
I fucking loved it.
I tilted my head back so I could look at him. “Cam, I really do like you, but you need to know, you need to understand.” I paused and shrugged, trying to think of how to explain this. “There’s only him. It will always be him. There’s no room for anyone else. Wherever we go with this, you need to understand that my heart is sealed and there’s only him that’s locked inside.”
He closed his eyes for a split second too long, as if what I’d just said caused him physical pain. “But you don’t know me, Georgia. You haven’t had a chance to get to know me. If you let me, I’ll blow your mind, baby.” He smiled at me, a full on sexy smile, and I had no doubt that he was more than capable of blowing my mind as well as other parts of me. Whether he could blow the wall of bricks that were solidly stacked around my heart down was another thing.
Chapter Twelve
As horny as Cam made me feel, he didn’t stay over that Saturday night. We talked for a bit longer and arranged to speak during the week. I’d given him the number for the shop as well as my home number. He had no idea what a big deal that was for me. I didn’t give any blokes my number, none at all, ever.
I headed over to my parent’s for lunch on Sunday and groaned when I saw my mum sweeping the porch as I pulled up in the taxi I’d had to book due to poor Hilda’s condition. Jim had picked me up for the dress fittings yesterday, so I’d been able to hide the fact that my car was off the road. My mum stopped what she was doing and leant on her broom, watching as I paid and got out of the cab.
“Where’s your car, George?”
“Hello, Mum. These are for you.” I handed her a bunch of carnations, her favourite.
“Oh thanks, babe. Mmm, they smell beautiful. Where’s your car?”
“I left it at a friend’s last night because I had too much to drink. He’s going to drop it back later. Is Bailey here?” I asked, noticing my brother’s Range Rover in the drive. I started to head into the house before she could say any more about my car.
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