I wanted to cry.
I wanted to go to Marley and tell him that I didn’t blame him.
I wanted to go to Sean and tell him it was okay, that I forgave him, and that I wanted to be with him.
Instead, I wrapped my arms around myself and screamed, and screamed at everyone to go. Then finally, after so very long, I cried. Jimmie held me while I cried, and then my mum was there while I cried. Through it all, there was a commotion going on outside. I could hear my brothers shouting. I could hear my dad shouting, but above all, I could hear Sean shouting and calling out my name.
And still, I cried.
* * *
My doctor said it needed to happen. That I’d held things in for far too long, and what happened over the next few days had needed to happen. Basically, what I had was a bit of a breakdown. I spent a couple of days in my old room at my parents, doing nothing but cry. Then, another couple of days staring into space. Finally, on Thursday, I got up and showered. I pulled on a pair of trackies and a sweatshirt that I kept at my mum’s and went downstairs. I looked a mess. I’d barely eaten, my eyes were puffy, and my face was blotchy from all the crying, but I actually felt okay.
My mum had given me a couple of Valium on Sunday night and a couple more on Monday, so those days had gone by in a blur. Jim came and sat with me on Tuesday. Ash came over for a while on Tuesday night. I’d asked my mum if she would call Marley and ask him to come and see me on Monday, but I hadn’t heard anything from him. I’d fallen asleep around ten o’clock after Ash had come over again on Wednesday. When I woke at about two in the morning, he was there, sitting in the chair next to my bed, watching me sleep.
For some reason I was freezing, so I smiled at him and said, “Marley George Layton, would you please get in here and give me a cuddle? I’m freezing my fuckin’ tits off.”
He smiled back and said, “Fuck, it must be cold. Coz you’ve got some tits to freeze off there girl.”
He kicked off his shoes and got into bed next to me, repeating an act that we had carried out throughout our lives, up until these past five or six years. We both lay on our sides, and I spooned into his back.
“Don’t you dare fart on me,” I told him.
“Oh please, George, don’t make out. We all know you’re the farter of the family.”
“Yeah right, Marls. Anyway, at least when I fart it smells of roses. Yours smell like something crawled up your backside and died.”
“Hark at you, fuckin’ Avon arse.”
We both fell silent after trading insults, and then I quietly said, “Marls?”
“Porge?”
“I’m so glad you’re here.”
“I’m so glad you wanted me here.”
“Let’s never not talk again.”
“No problem.”
“Porge?”
“Marls?”
“I’m so sorry for everything.”
“I know you are, Marls, let’s go to sleep.”
I slept soundly the entire night with my brother there to look after me. When I woke in the morning, he was gone, but I felt like I was done with the crying and ready to face the world again.
My mum was sitting on a stool at the bench top, flicking through a magazine when I walked into the kitchen. The radio was playing, and she instinctively leant across to turn it off, as I came into the room.
“Morning. It's fine, Mum. Leave it on, please.”
She beamed. “Are you sure, George?”
“I’m positive, Mum. What time did Marley go?”
“He left about five. He had a flight to catch. They’re on a chat show or something in Ireland tonight.”
Aware of my mum’s eyes on me, I proceeded to make myself a coffee. “Thanks for looking after me, Mum. I’m sorry for all the trouble.”
“Georgia, you’re my daughter, looking after you will never be any trouble. I’m your mother and it’s my job and my pleasure to look after you.” I gave her a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek. “You’ve had a lot of calls here and at the shop, and someone named Cam dropped your keys off. Ash bought them over with her. They’re on the hall table.”
Shit, Cam!
I would have to get in touch with him and explain where I’d been all week. I nodded as my mum rattled off the messages. They were mainly from the girls at work.
Then she said, “Sean called a couple of times a day, every day. He begged to come and see you, but your dad and Bailey were having none of it. But what do you want, George? Do you want to see him? If it’s going to set you off again, then I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
She watched me, waiting for an answer as I sipped some more of my coffee.
“Seeing him won’t set me off. I don’t think anything will set me off like that again. I don’t know why I reacted the way I did, but it won’t happen again.”
“I do,” my mum stated. “It is because you bottled everything up. You can’t do that, George. You need to open up a little bit and let us all back in. We love you, and we all want to help you move on. Who’s this Cam? Ash said he’s really nice.”
Oh, shit, how do I explain this one?
“He is really nice, Mum, but I don’t know if he’s for me.”
“Why? You need to move on, Georgia. You really do. Sean hasn’t spent the last four years sitting around moping, I know. He’s in the paper nearly every day with a different girl on his arm, all of them stunning… Slutty looking, but stunning.”
“Mum! I said I was ready to see him, but I don’t want to hear about his love life or the women he’s shagging. And as for Cam, well, Bailey’s not happy. He knows him and has told me I’m not to see him again.”
“Bailey said that?”
“Yes, Mum.”
“Why? Why on earth would he say that?”
“Because it’s Cameron King, Mum, the bloke I went out with Saturday night is Cameron King.”
My mum’s mouth actually fell open.
“Oh shit! Fucking hell, Georgia. Your dad will go berserk.” I let out a long sigh. My mum just swore, and that meant it was bad.
“Yes, Mum. That’s pretty much what Bailey said, but he didn’t swear.” I looked at my mum pointedly. I would’ve gotten into so much trouble for swearing like that.
“Well, I’m sorry, George. I’m just saying it like it is. I understand the attraction. Cameron King is bloody gorgeous, but you need to stay away from him. He’s a dangerous bloke to be around, and he’s involved in all sorts. He runs all these raves that the kids to go out to in the middle of a field.”
What is she on about?
“Mum, Cam runs a perfectly respectable wine bar. Why would he be organising raves?”
“Because of the drugs, Georgia. He organises the raves so his people can sell their drugs to all the kids. Your dad thinks I don’t know about any of this stuff, but of course I bloody know, I’m not stupid.”
“What has this got to do with Dad?”
“George, really, you are not stupid enough to think that our lifestyle is provided by your dad’s building firm and a couple of car fronts are you?”
I looked at her, totally confused.
“Well, he’s got the clubs, the pubs, the gym, and the houses he rents out.”
“George, they’re all a front. Well most of them are. Your dad has many sources of income, all of those you just mentioned, plus, he’s got a couple of brothels and a sex shop in Soho. He’s into all sorts. Your dad is a bit of a wheeler and dealer, and it has made him very rich. I thought as you got older, you would have worked all this out.”
Shit, no I hadn’t. How stupid am I?
“I thought he was an entrepreneur. That’s what he told me when I was little, that he was an entrepreneur.” Of course, my dad’s dealings were dodgy, why else would he have a driver and at least one minder with him all the time. How else had he always been able to “pull a few strings” to get things done my entire life, and how had I been oblivious to this fact?
“Well he is, I suppose. It’s just some o
f his ventures aren’t exactly legal but not really illegal enough to bring the police sniffing around. That’s why everything to do with our little business is in mine and your names only. There’s nothing to trace it back to your dad at all, but anyway, aside from all of that, your dad’s dealings have brought him into contact with Cameron King over the years. They’ve fallen out a few times, but I think at the moment, things are polite between them. They’re businessmen from different companies, to term it loosely. One company is always looking to take over the other, and both are looking to be head of the company, or more to the point, Governor of the manor.” She folded her arms across her chest.
“George, if Dad found out you were seeing Cam, things could get nasty, and I’m not being overly dramatic when I say that.”
Bloody hell! All this time… All this time I hadn’t allowed myself to feel anything for anyone, and the minute I did, it was someone my parents didn’t approve of. Then, Sean just happened to pop up and make an unexpected appearance with a Whorely lookalike in tow. On top of all of that, was the fact that Cam must have known I’d find this all out.
Why didn’t he warn me?
Why didn’t he let me know of his business connections with my family?
“Mum, it was just one date. It’s not like we’ve booked the church for our wedding. We just had dinner.”
My mum tucked a stray lock of my hair behind my ear and ran her fingertips over the side of my face. “Well, you obviously had an effect on him during that one date. Ash said that he’s been in the shop twice a day, every day, to find out how you are.”
“How the bloody hell did he know I was sick?”
Great!
All I needed was Cam to know about my major meltdown. He already thought I had a screw loose after my performance Saturday night. I couldn’t help but wonder if my opening up just a little bit to him was the catalyst for this breakdown of mine.
“Well, I phoned Ash to let her know that you wouldn’t be about this week because you were sick. That was on Monday morning. Then, apparently, Cam came into the shop Monday afternoon looking for you. He said he’d called the flat Sunday night, but you hadn’t answered, so he was worried. She explained that you were sick and staying here. He hasn’t called here for now very obvious reasons, but instead called into the shop every morning and every afternoon to ask how you were doing.”
She gestured towards the dining table with her head. “And they’ve been arriving every morning since Monday.” I look to the table, which wasn’t actually visible, due to the fact that there are around twelve vases of flowers covering it.
“Shit!”
My mum actually didn’t reprimand my swearing for the first time, ever.
“Oh there’s more.” She gestured towards the fireplace. “I had to go out and buy more vases yesterday.”
There must’ve been at least another eight vases covering the hearth and mantle of my parents’ huge brick fireplace, but these flowers were different. The ones on the table were big bouquets of mixed flowers, but the ones on the fireplace were just white Arum lilies, my favourite flower. I got the usual head spin and belly roll the instant I thought about him, and I swallowed hard, but I was okay.
I was okay.
I looked towards my mum.
“Sean?” I don’t know why I asked because I already knew.
She nodded her head. “He really wants to see you, George, but your dad’s having none of it. He thinks you need time, and he wants to send you away on a holiday. A week in Marbella or Portugal. A bit of time away from work and all of this.” She gestured towards the flowers. “Wait till he finds out about Cam, he’ll be wanting to send you to Auntie Kath in Australia for a year.”
A holiday sounded good, but I needed to try to get my head a little straighter first.
How do I feel about Cam now that I know what I do?
Was I ready to talk to Sean?
“Oh Georgia, you’re so grown-up in many ways and so naïve in so many others. I forget you’re only twenty sometimes. Everything that went on between you and Sean. You were both so young, and I feel so guilty about it. I should have protected you more. Maybe I should’ve…” She trailed off and started chewing on the inside of her lip. I wasn’t sure what the look was that crossed her face.
“Protected me from what, Mum? Love? How do you protect someone from love?”
She swallowed, hard.
“It’s not love that’s the problem, George. It’s the heartache that’s caused when lies and betrayal get involved. You were so convinced that Sean was the one, I just let you get on with it.”
“Mum, please try to understand. Sean is the one. There is not, and never will be, anyone else. He’s been the one since the day I first clapped my eyes on him when I was eleven years old, and there’s nothing you, or anyone else, can ever do to change that fact.”
“I know, George. But there are things you should…” She shook her head.
“I know you still love him, and it scares me. I’m scared for you. Knowing that you’ll go through life never loving like that again.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I survived the last four years.”
My mum shook her head again. “No, you haven’t, George. You’ve existed and you’ve only just done that. I want more for you than that. I want you to fall in love again, get married, and have babies. I don’t want you to just exist.”
My mum twirled my hair in her fingers, and I thought of Cam, Sean, Cam, Sean, Cam, it was making me bloody dizzy. Still, it was better than just being stuck on Sean, Sean, Sean all the time.
“But in saying all that,” my mum continued. “I don’t want you and Sean getting back together if he’s just going to carry on the way he is and expect for you to just accept it. I brought you up better than that, George. I know that the money and the power that goes hand in hand with what your dad does attracts women, women that would give and do anything to be in my place. I’m not stupid. I’m sure there have been times that your dad’s strayed, but he’s never done it openly or blatantly. I’ve never heard so much as a whisper of him ever being unfaithful, and it’s still my bed he comes home to every night. I don’t know if Sean’s capable of that. I don’t doubt he loves you. I think he loves you with a passion beyond reason, but I don’t know if he’s strong enough to resist all the temptation that’s put in his way, and I wouldn’t want to see you go through that.”
Wow, my mum had never expressed concerns about Sean like that to me before. Perhaps if we’d had a talk like this back when I was fifteen, I might’ve been a little more prepared for what came my way.
I let out a big long sigh. I’d been so busy these last four years concentrating on shutting everyone out and trying to avoid any kind of emotions. Just trying to survive each and every painful day that I’d failed to notice the effect all of this had on the people that cared about me. I loved my parents and hated the fact that I was causing them so much worry. My mum was worried, it was written all over her face. I had a feeling that she wanted to say more, but she probably felt I wasn’t ready to hear it yet. She was wrong, what she knew, I should’ve been told a long time ago.
“Mum, I have no plans to get back with Sean.” As much as I would love to. “I’d never be with him knowing he was shagging about. It would kill me. Like you said, you’ve brought me up to be better than that. I hope that one day I’ll be able to find someone that will love and take care of me, but I’ll always have to be honest and upfront with them. They will have to know from the very beginning, that I will only ever love Sean. I can’t change that. It is what it is! Please, don’t worry about me, and you’re right in what you said about this little episode. It needed to happen. It should’ve happened four years ago, but it happened now, and I’ve finally managed to shed some tears over it. I’m ready to move on, and I’m ready to listen to music again.” I smiled at her.
“Hmmm, well that will be a feat in itself, George. Every other song seems to be one of the bands, and most of them are about you.�
�
What?
“What d’ya mean they’re about me?”
“Well, they aren’t called, ‘This Song Is About Georgia’, but seeing as Sean writes most of them and that I know him like I know my own children, I know they’re about you. When you’re feeling ready, listen to some of their music. Listen to the words, and you’ll understand. Especially the song ‘I Got It Wrong’ and the other one, the one they got all the awards for.”
I shrugged, I had no idea. I knew nothing about Carnage and their achievements other than that they were now very famous.
“’With Me’ it’s called, ‘With Me’, George. It’s one of the few ballads they sing. It’s beautiful. Sean’s voice…” she trailed off. “Anyway, when you’re ready, give them a listen.”
My head was spinning by the time my mum dropped me home with orders to take the rest of the week off and have a quiet weekend. The first thing I planned on doing was to confront Cam. I’d had this horrible little thought churning around in my head, and before I decided where my feelings were going with this man, I needed to find out if he was just playing a game.
Is he using me to get at my dad?
Is he trying to find out my secrets, so he could use them as leverage in some way?
I changed into a pair of jeans and my Chucks that I’d bought in America on a business trip with my mum. She hated them, but I loved them and the fact that no one else wore them. I pulled on a sweatshirt because it was a bit cold outside and put on a bit of makeup. A whole morning of not crying had improved my puffy eyes, but my face was still a bit blotchy.
I headed back down the stairs and had a look at my car. I had to ignore it when my mum dropped it off because she had no idea it was damaged, how it got damaged, or that Cam had the repairs done. This was what I didn’t understand.
Why would he do that?
If he were just using me to get at my dad, wouldn’t he find it amusing to let my dad know that his daughter was a two-timing whore and got her car smashed up because of it? I had all of this going through my head as I made the ten-minute walk up the high street to the wine bar. Cam’s car was in its usual spot, but the bar was locked. It was only four in the afternoon.
Carnage Boxset Page 17