I remained silent.
I had no words. I couldn’t think of what to say, so I just stayed silent.
“Chantelle started fitting on the operating table, her blood pressure was so high that it was causing seizures. Eventually, all of her organs shut down, and she died. She died, my baby died, and a large part of me died. I should’ve died, not them, they were good and pure and innocent, but they died because of me.”
He had tears, but he didn’t sound like he was crying. He was just talking, telling me his story with tears rolling down his cheeks. I crawled to him and sat myself in his lap, curling myself into his big body. Wrapping his arms around me and kissing my hair, he pulled me tightly against him.
“The man I shot yesterday, he was one of their firm. He didn’t come to my house that day, if he had, he would’ve been long dead, but he was known to us as one of the faces causing us trouble in the clubs. He got banged up, and I just let it go. I had no idea he was even out, so yesterday… Yesterday, he finally got what was coming to him.”
I sat quietly comprehending all that he’d told me. “It was the Riley’s then, who’d come to your house?”
“Yeah, we caught up with one of their firm later that night. Didn’t take much to get him to grass, but he did. All of those involved had done a runner over to Spain and were trying to lay low. They got in touch with me, pleading that they had no idea it would cause her blood pressure to go up, that they didn’t want any trouble, and they were sorry.” I felt him shrug his shoulders. “I’m a nasty bastard, Georgia. I’ve done lots of bad things in my life, but I have rules. Most of the people I deal with, your dad, your uncle, your brother, we all live by the same rules. You do not involve people’s families. Whatever grief you have with someone, you do not involve family, especially not pregnant wives.” He sighed deeply. “They got what was coming to them. I didn’t have to do anything, everyone else was so disgusted and so appalled by what they’d done that as soon as they surfaced, they were taken out. All but one, Chris Riley, but I found him. I found him, and I took a great deal of pleasure in dealing with him. Terry was the last on the list, and he’s lucky I was with you and in such a good mood yesterday. I let him off lightly.”
So my dad, my uncles, my brother, my family were all involved In that lifestyle, and until that point, I’d been pretty clueless to what degree.
I sat silently in his lap with my head resting on his bare chest. He had one arm around my waist and the other wrapped around my shoulder while he traced patterns over my back with his fingertips.
I had no idea what to say.
What did you say?
Is this a conversation that anyone has sat naked and had before?
“Would you like me to go?”
He looked down at me as I looked up at him.
Do I?
I suddenly felt incredibly tired again and just wanted to go back to sleep.
“I don’t know? Do you think I should want you to go?”
“Probably.”
“Do you want to go?”
“No, I want to stay. I want you to tell me what you’re thinking? What you think of me now that I’ve told you all of that?”
Bloody hell, this was all a bit deep and heavy for three on a Saturday morning. Then thoughts started popping into my head.
“How did your dad die?”
“He was murdered.”
“Like, Kray, gangster style murdered?”
“Yeah. He was shot on our doorstep. My little sister saw the whole thing. She had run and opened the front door ahead of him, and they pulled out a gun and put a bullet between his eyes.”
“Fuckin’ hell, Cam.”
“Now d’ya want me to go?”
“Will you shoot me if I don’t give the right answer?”
“That’s not funny, Georgia.”
“And dentist o’clock was?”
Before he answered, his belly growled loudly. My head was still pressed into his chest, and I heard the sound echo around his insides.
I looked up at him with a grin. “Are you hungry, Tiger? Have you worked up an appeti—”
His mouth was on mine before I even finished what I was saying. I twisted around in his lap and straddled him. The duvet was between us, but I could still feel how hard he was regardless. I tangled my hands in his hair, and he did exactly the same to me. My lips felt sore, almost burnt where his stubble was scratching over them. I pulled away and looked up at him. We had gone to sleep with the lamp on earlier, and it was just enough light to be able to see the glint in his eyes.
“I thought you were hungry?” I asked with one eyebrow raised.
“I’m Hank fuckin’ Marvin, Kitten, but I would much rather be inside you.”
“Do you have another condom?”
“Are you not on the pill?”
“I’m on the pill, but I don’t know you well enough, Cam. No condom, no sex, sorry, but that’s my rule.”
He looked thoroughly pissed off for a few seconds. “I’m clean, Georgia.”
“Says you.”
“What? Do you think I would lie about something like that?”
“Cam, I… No, I don’t think you would lie, but I don’t have sex without a condom.”
“What if we were in a relationship, would you still make me wear one?”
“I… We would… No, probably not.”
“Would you like to be in a relationship? With me, I mean?”
Oh, fuck, here we go, and I thought he was different.
“Cam, look, we’ve just had sex for the first time tonight. We could be sick of each other in a week. Can’t we just see how we go with this?”
He bit down on his bottom lip, still not looking happy. “I don’t share, Georgia Layton. If we’re sleeping together, then I don’t expect you to be sleeping with anyone else.”
I felt more than just a little bit ashamed. Cam had every right to think that I was a two-timing whore. I wanted to get off his lap. I wanted to have a little hissy fit and order him to go, but how could I? How could I when he knew exactly how I’d behaved these last six months?
“There’s no one else, Cam. There will be no one else while I’m seeing you. I won’t fuck you about.” I didn’t want sex now, the moment had gone. “Would you like me to make you something to eat?” I asked.
His forehead was pressed against mine. “I would love for you to make me something to eat now, please Kitten, and then when we’re done eating, we find a fuckin’ condom somewhere and we will fuck again.”
And we did, twice more.
Chapter Sixteen
The next few weeks were busy. I went back to work on the Monday and helped out at the Brentwood shop. We were halfway through March and people were now looking for summer wedding and Royal Ascot outfits. My mum and I tried to be hands on at this time of year, spending a day a week at each store and making our customers feel special, which they were of course. Giving them the personal touch from the management always made them feel extra special.
Cam and I were now in an exclusive relationship. He was a workaholic, but he always made time for me. We would go out to dinner during the week or meet for lunch. Sometimes I’d go over to the wine bar and sit, chatting with his staff and the bouncers while I waited for him to finish meetings and phone calls in his office. If he were at a meeting elsewhere, I would sit there and wait for him to get back. Later we would have food sent up to his place, and I’d spend the night there. Other nights, he’d come to my little flat once he’d finished with all his business dealings. He would let himself in with the key I’d given him. Either way, when we were alone together, it usually resulted in us having amazing sex. And it was amazing. Toe-curlingly so. He was a master in the bedroom, dominant, inventive, and considerate.
I loved the fact that when I was with him, I didn’t have to think. I could just shut down my brain and enjoy the experience. Time spent with Cam was time spent not thinking about Sean. That wasn’t the only reason I spent time with Cam, not at all. I re
ally did enjoy his company. In fact, I enjoyed it more with each time I saw him. The problem was, as always, Sean. I knew I shouldn’t compare the two, as my mother had told me on numerous occasions because no one would ever compare to my first love.
She was lucky. She had married her first love. Mine, very publicly chose a lifestyle that didn’t leave much room for a girlfriend, and I’d never recovered from what I felt for him. As handsome, hot, sexy, and caring as Cam was, he didn’t make my heart race like it still did when I thought of Sean. I didn’t ache for him when we were apart the way I used to whenever I was apart from Sean. I was beginning to care for him, but I knew from the second I set eyes on Sean, that he would always have my heart. He still did and there was nothing that I could do to change that fact.
Cam was usually busy on a Friday or Saturday night, and I really didn’t mind. It meant that I could still go out with my friends on the weekend, which I generally did. Friday’s we would club, but Saturday’s could go either way. Sometimes we’d club again, others, we’d just go to the wine bar and then for an Indian meal. Sometimes, I’d get back to my place at dawn to find Cam in my bed, and I was fine with that. It worked for me, but by May, I noticed that if I wasn’t at his place, then he would always be at mine. We’d gone from seeing each other three or four times a week to six or seven nights a week. I liked it, but I didn’t want to. I fought it. He’d started to complain about the fact that I still went to my parents every Sunday for lunch. And if my brothers were there, we’d all end up in the studio, stoned or drunk, and I’d stay over till Monday. I would’ve really liked him to come with me, to be a part of Sunday family time, but that would just mean allowing him into my life and my heart even further, and I still didn’t know if I was ready for that.
I was falling for Cam but determined this time to remain in total control of my emotions. I wasn’t really comfortable with what he did for a living, but I wasn’t a hypocrite either. I had been raised on money gained mostly by illegal means, so I could hardly call Cam out on how he chose to earn a living.
We’d danced around the topic of moving in together, but I felt it was far too soon for me. I was too young. I was in the best place mentally that I’d been in for just over four years. I wasn’t fixed. I still spent most of my time with my chest hanging on to that last little breath, because I knew if I let it all the way out, the panic would set in.
But I was better, much better. I was listening to music, but not theirs. I still couldn’t bring myself to listen to his voice or to hear him sing words that might tell me his thoughts or his feelings. Even four years later it was still painful. My heart hurt as much as it always had, but I’d gotten better at coping with it. Every now and then I’d wonder if I’d go through my whole life like this. When I first broke up with Sean, I’d had suicidal thoughts on more than one occasion, often feeling like I’d rather be dead than live with the hollow, emptiness I had inside. But since Cam had come along, I was dealing better with it all. I was grateful to him, and slowly but surely, my feelings for him were growing, but I wasn’t ready to move in with him.
The other issue between us was my dad. He still didn’t know about our relationship. At least, I didn’t think he did. Both my mum and Bailey had been on my case to tell him before he heard it from someone else, but I still wasn’t sure where we were headed. Yeah, I liked Cam, a lot, but he was giving me the distinct impression that he liked me more, and my old instinct of running as soon as I heard those three little words was beginning to surface. I was scared of hearing them from him. Maybe one day I wouldn’t be, but right now, I knew it was still far too soon.
It was a Thursday in the beginning of May, and I was out having dinner with Cam when he asked what my plans were for the coming Saturday.
“Actually, it’s Ashley’s birthday. We’re going to Kings. My dad’s sorted out the VIP bar for us. We have a stretch limo picking us up and then there are about fifty people coming to the club.”
He placed his knife and fork down. “Why didn’t you ask me?”
“I thought you’d be working.”
Shit, I don’t want another night of walking on eggshells around him.
He’d been working really hard for over a week now and never seemed happy with anything I did.
“No, that’s not what I meant. Why didn’t you ask me to sort out the VIP bar for Ashley’s party?”
“Well, because—” I really didn’t need this.
Was it going to turn into a pissing contest between him and my dad over who had what power at the club?
“Cam, if I had asked you to sort it out for me, my dad and my brother would want to know why I hadn’t gone through them. Then my dad would want to know how I know you. My brother is already on my case about seeing you, and it would all just get complicated. So, I just took the easy option, the option that would cause me the least grief, at least I fuckin’ thought it would.”
“Do you really need to swear to emphasise your point?”
Right, he’s just patronising me now.
“Don’t be so condescending, Cam. You sound like an old fart.” I placed my knife and fork down and stared him square in the eye.
“Why haven’t you told Frank about us yet?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m just waiting to see how things go. If this isn’t going anywhere, then what would be the point of stirring up trouble between you and him?”
“And, is it?”
I raised my eyebrows, unsure of what his question meant. “Stirring trouble?”
“No, Georgia, going anywhere? Are we going anywhere?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m having fun, it’s working for me. I don’t know what your thoughts are, other than you seem thoroughly pissed off with me tonight.”
He gave his regulation shake of the head and his eyes met mine. He let out a long breath and reached his hand across the table to take mine. “Sorry, Kitten. I’m not pissed off with you. I just feel a bit gutted that you didn’t come to me, and that you didn’t even mention Ashley’s birthday to me.”
Okay, so now I felt bad. I could see how that would be hurtful. It would be like him coming into the shop and asking one of the other assistants to help him and ignoring me. I let out a long breath and tried to explain why I didn’t go to him. “Ashley spoke to my mum about it. Before I had a chance to talk to anyone, my mum had gone to my dad and done it for me. It’s really not a big deal, Cam.” My eyes wandered over his handsome face. “Why don’t you come? Surely you’re entitled to a Saturday night off once in a while, or do the rounds and then come after?”
I was beginning to miss not seeing him on a Saturday night. It would be nice to relax and spend one together every now and then for a change.
He knocked back his glass of wine. “Yeah, I dunno, I might feel a bit out of place, seeing as I’m such an old fart.”
“Now you’re just being facetious.”
“Hmm, I’m impressed, big words from such a little girl.”
I didn’t know why, but that statement really pissed me off. I felt like he was talking down at me, like I was a child.
Did he think I wasn’t capable of long words?
I pulled my napkin out of my lap and slung it on the table.
“I need to go. This little girl is tired and has a headache.” I pushed my chair back way too loudly for the posh restaurant, grabbed my jacket, and headed for the door.
I didn’t hear Cam’s chair move, so I assumed he remained seated. The instant I stepped outside, I saw Benny start the Jag up in a car park across the road. He pulled up next to me with his window open. “All right, Duchess, jump in.”
I had lit up a cigarette. I hadn’t smoked in ages, but he had pissed me off so much that I felt the need.
“Fuck off, Ben. I’m not in the mood. I’ve had to sit through dinner with your boss acting like a prick… again. I don’t need to be patronised by you as well.”
“Fuckin’ ‘ell, George, was only ‘avin a laugh wiv ya. Ignore ‘im, he’s go
t a lot on his plate right now.”
“Not interested, Ben. Not interested.” I stepped into the alley at the side of the restaurant and smoked my cigarette. I put it out and waited for five minutes, but Cam didn’t come out.
Well fuck him!
If he thought I was going to hang about and wait, he had another thing coming. I looked down the alleyway and could see that it led out to the next street but was blocked by a bollard to stop cars cutting through, so I headed down it. Ben couldn’t see me from where he was sitting in the car, and I walked quickly. As soon as I stepped out onto the main high street, I was lucky enough to be able to hail a cab straight away. I jumped in, gave the driver Jimmie’s address, and hoped that she didn’t mind me turning up uninvited. I asked the cabby to stop off at the off-license, and I grabbed a couple of bottles of wine. If Jimmie wasn’t up for a drink, then I’d just go home and get plastered by myself.
I rang the doorbell and stood with my forehead pressed against the door. I was so busy going over tonight’s conversation with Cam and his shitty attitude towards me that I didn’t notice the door being opened. I fell forward and face-planted right into someone’s chest.
I knew.
In an instant.
In a millisecond.
I knew exactly whose chest it was.
He grabbed me by the shoulders at first, and I panicked and thought he was going to push me away. My heart felt too heavy inside my chest. It beat, but at a slow and sluggish pace. Everything around me faded away. My legs felt like jelly, my fingertips tingled, and I held my breath as my head swam with a million different scenarios as to how this would unfold.
And then he wrapped his arms around me tightly, sniffed my hair, kissed the top of my head, and said into my ear, “I love you, Georgia Rae, show us your tits.”
Everything fell away, the floor from beneath me, even the wall around my heart was gone in an instant. The person that I was, the person that I’d become over these past four years crumbled to dust and was gone, disintegrated, decimated.
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