Chapter Twenty-One
My dad had this lame saying that he used to quote to my brothers, usually when my mum asked who had made the mess in her kitchen. “De Nile is not just a river in Egypt.” It never failed to make us groan, but I’d had that saying going around in my head for two weeks, and I was unsure why. Well, I wasn’t, not really. In fact, I totally knew why, and if De Nile were just a river in Egypt, I was drowning in it. I had been drowning in it for those two weeks. I’d felt like I had stones tied around my neck and I was firmly weighed down and at the very bottom of that river. The reason was the guilt I felt over Cam. Not for what I had done, not for the way things ended, but for the fact that I missed him so much. He’d gotten under my skin so much more than I’d realised. I’d focused so much on protecting myself from my feelings for Sean while we were apart that I hadn’t noticed my feelings for Cam taking a hold.
I loved Sean. I loved him with a passion that defied logic. We had spent every spare moment together these past two weeks, and he’d been in my bed every single night. We’d woken up together every single morning. We’d talked and talked and talked, and we’d decided not to waste time. We were already looking for our own place.
Last weekend, one of the Sunday tabloids ran a front page and a whole double spread inside about my and Sean’s “Great Love Story”. How we were childhood sweethearts, and how we were ripped apart by his fame. They didn’t mention the rape incident because the accusation was withdrawn, charges had been dropped, and the press were threatened with legal action if they ever mentioned the incident without making it perfectly clear that it was a fabricated story. So, it was rarely reported.
The press hadn’t worked out where I lived yet, but they knew who I was so it wouldn’t be long before they tracked me down. They’d already camped out at the gates of my parent's drive, and the house had been bombarded with phone calls and post for me.
Lots of the phone calls were from abusive fans, and lots of the mail was hate-filled threats for me to back off. Sean was theirs, and I needed to stay away. Some letters were actually really sweet, telling us that what we had was something special and wishing us well. Some were just plain weird, pictures of blokes’ dicks with notes telling me I was beautiful and that they bet Sean wasn’t as well-endowed as they were. In the end, everything sent for me to my parents’ house was put into sacks and sent to Sean’s Personal Assistant, Andrea. She sifted through it and only sent us the things she thought we’d like to read, which wasn’t much. All of the publicity had done wonders for trade at the shops. There were lots of new customers coming in and buying something small just to see if I was there.
My mum and I had met for lunch on the Tuesday after Sean and I got back together. We talked through everything, and I told her that I forgave her. I wasn’t entirely sure that I did, but I did understand her motives. I said I would carry on with work as normal, but now, two weeks into my relationship with Sean, it was becoming apparent that this was going to be impossible. So after a quick meeting at the beginning of the week, we promoted Ashley to Area Manager and put a new full-time manager in each of our six stores. We had taken on an administration team consisting of a personnel manager, staff in charge of accounts and orders, and two new buying assistants. Basically, my mum and I were part of the business now in name only.
The band was touring the states the next year, and Sean had asked me to go with him. Because of Len and Jimmie’s wedding, Carnage had taken the whole of June off and only committed to a few television appearances over the rest of the summer.
Carnage went back to the studio in August and started recording their new album, which was due to be released in March when the US tour was to kick off. Sean and Marley had written a few new songs for the album, but they were going to start getting together more regularly in July so they could be prepared to start laying down tracks by about September.
All of this meant lots of free time for Sean and me to spend together, but when he got a song in his head, he was gone, off with Marley to do their thing. I was too scared to go out because of the press. So, I stayed home and had too much time to think and to feel guilty about the fact that I was missing Cam, and that was exactly what I was doing on the Friday, almost two weeks after I had last seen him. I’d just finished talking on the phone to Jimmie. Her hens do was in a week’s time, twenty-six women, all off to Marbella in Spain for five nights. Friends, mums, sisters, cousins, all ranging in age from eighteen to sixty-five, and I couldn’t wait. Hopefully, Marbella was going to mean anonymity for me. Five whole days of nobody knowing who I was. I had only experienced two weeks of this fame game, and I was already over it.
My buzzer on the intercom sounded, and my belly went over. I was worried all the time that the press were going to find out about our little love nest. They had besieged Sean and Marley’s place and were totally confused about Sean’s whereabouts since he hadn’t been back there. He had Milo bring his clothes, toiletries, and guitar to my place, and we had hidden away there, waiting for the ridiculous amount of interest they had in me to die down, which so far, had failed to happen. My palms were instantly sweaty as I stood up on the intercom’s second buzz.
“Hello,” I said nervously.
“Georgia?”
“Who’s that?”
“Georgia darlin’, its Benny. Cam’s, Benny. D’ya think I could come in and have a chat, babe.”
What on earth did Benny want?
I was suddenly nervous. Had Cam sent him? Thoughts of his reputation hit me, the fact that I’d seen him shoot someone. Had he sent Benny to… No. Too much time alone meant that my overthinking brain was running riot. Cam would never do anything to hurt me.
I still felt nervous about Benny being at my door though.
“What’s wrong, Ben? Why’d you need to chat with me?”
“Georgia, look darlin’, it’s Cam. I don’t wanna do this over the intercom, love. I just need five minutes.”
I thought about it for a few seconds. Dave had been assigned to look after me when Sean wasn’t around, and he was sitting outside in a big Toyota four-wheel drive when I’d looked out my bombproof doors this morning.
“I’ll come out,” I told Benny.
“Sweet.”
I looked out of the window onto the parking space below. Dave was out of his car and paying close attention to Benny. He looked a little bit unsure of what to do. I went out, opened the door to Ben, and stepped outside. I put my hand up to Dave to let him know that everything was okay and then turned to talk to Cam’s minder.
“What’s up, Ben? What can I do for ya?”
“Georgia, look, this is a bit embarrassing. I know you’re with that pop star an’ everything now, an’ I’m sorry an’ all that, but the boss is a mess, an’ I don’t know what to do. His bruvers an’ his sister av bin an’ tried to sort ‘im out, but he ain’t ‘avin none of it. ‘is hittin the bottle, and he could keep an army marchin’ for a month on the Charlie ‘is snortin, an’ it’s all since you left ‘im.”
He looked at me pleadingly. “I’m scared love, I’m really scared ‘is gonna neck ‘imself.”
I swayed on my feet as I took in Benny’s words. My head spun and I felt physically sick
I knew what I wanted to do, what I should do, but Sean would go mad.
I could just not tell him I suppose.
But would Cam even want to see me right then?
“Ben, if he’s in this mess because of me, then I’m probably the last person he wants to see.”
“Na, ah definitely fink he wants to see ya! I fink he needs to see ya. He won’t listen to no one else. You need to tell ‘im to sort ‘is shit out, else they’re gonna put ‘im in rehab again.”
“Again, Cam’s been in rehab before?”
“Yeah, yeah, he ‘as, twice before. When he was younger and then again after he lost Chantelle. He was a mess for a long time after that, and then ‘is brothers took charge, and he ended up in rehab for nearly six months. He hated it, nearly killed
‘im, and that’s what they’re talkin’ about doin’ now. They’re givin’ ‘im a week to sort ‘imself out, then they’re gonna lock ‘im up. They got a court order before, he ‘ad no choice, he ‘ad to stay.”
Jesus, what a mess.
And it was all my doing.
“Where is he?” I couldn’t believe I was even considering this.
“Up in the flat above the wine bar.”
I nodded. I owed Cam this much. He saved me from myself, and now I needed to see if I could return the favour. “Let me get some shoes on.” I ran back inside and slid my feet into a pair of flip-flops, grabbed my keys, and headed back out. I followed Ben down the stairs, ran over to where Dave was leaning on his car, and told him I was just popping out to see a sick friend, that I wouldn’t be gone long, and that I didn’t need him with me. I jumped into the Jag and five minutes later, Ben was unlocking the front door to Cam’s flat. Music was blaring, and I hesitated in the doorway.
Ben jutted his chin forward. “You go in, I’ll wait here. He ain’t gonna be ‘appy ‘bout this, but I dint know what else to do.” I must’ve looked nervous as Benny added, “I’ll be right here, I won’t go anywhere.”
He nodded as if to reassure me. I walked down the hallway and the place was lit up like Christmas. Every single light appeared to be on. As I entered the open plan living and kitchen area, I was struck by the mess. There were empty bottles everywhere, whiskey, wine, and beer. The coffee table was covered in them, along with lots of little empty bags that obviously once contained coke. There was a tray on the floor with two lines ready to go sitting next to a rolled up fifty-pound note. The place smelled awful. Mainly, stale alcohol and vomit, but there was a hint of cigar smoke. The song that had been playing had just started to play again; it was Alexander O’Neal’s “Fake”. He had a couple of his CD’s that he usually played in the car. I looked over to the kitchen and spotted a couple of plates with mouldy food on them, a pizza box, and more bottles.
I headed towards Cam’s bedroom and could hear the shower running. I quietly moved into the bathroom and saw that the door to the shower cubicle was open. Cam was sitting inside on the floor, the water bouncing off him and out of the open door, making the floor wet. There was a pile of vomit on the tiled floor beside the shower and another beside the toilet. I threw a towel over each to cover it. He didn’t notice me because his eyes were closed, his legs were out in front of him, his arms were slumped at his sides and his head was hanging forward. He was completely naked.
He looked… small, which was ridiculous because he was six foot four and a big strong man. Right at that moment, though, he looked small and frail, and I felt so fucking bad that I’d caused this. I stood and stared for a few moments with my hand covering my mouth as I tried to control my sobs. I’d done this to him. I was a horrible human being.
I went back out to the front door and told Ben to grab some bags and start clearing away some of the bottles. I went back to the bathroom and shut the door. I moved over to the shower and turned off the water.
Cam mumbled something and lifted his arm in front of him, reaching for something or someone.
Was it me?
I straddled his lap and dried his hair and his face. He almost had a full beard growing. It was dark, but with a few flecks of grey. I raised my hand and gently touched his face, and his eyes fluttered open, but he couldn’t focus. He sucked in his cheeks, probably trying to moisten his mouth, before he opened his eyes again, tilted his head to the side, and gave me a little smile.
“Kitten,” he whispered, very, very softly. “I love you.”
I let out a sob. I couldn’t help it. I held onto each side of his face. “Oh, Tiger, what have you done to yourself?”
“I love you,” he whispered again. He grabbed a handful of my hair, not roughly, just enough to tilt my head and make me look at him. He nodded his head and repeated, “I love you.”
I didn’t know what to say. My heart was telling me to tell him I loved him too, but my head was telling me not to be so stupid. I loved Sean. Just Sean. Cam shivered, and I knew I needed to get him out of the shower and into bed. I moved his shoulders off the wall and draped a dry towel around them. Afraid he would slide over and hit his head, I called out for Benny. The music went quiet, and I could hear talking, so I called Benny again.
Cam whispered, “No, no Benny, just you. Just you, Kitten.”
The door that separated the bathroom from the bedroom opened, and Cam’s absolute double was standing there.
“I… I’m sorry. I’m Georgia. I was… he’s cold. I don’t know how long he’s been in here. I can’t lift him.”
Cam’s double was wearing a suit. He took the jacket off and threw it behind him onto the bed.
“Mind out the way. Benny, get your arse in here.”
I stepped out of the way of who I assumed was Cam’s older brother as he hadn’t bothered to introduce himself. Benny came through the door, and his huge frame filled it. He must’ve been working hard at cleaning up because he was sweating and his bald head was shining.
“Mind the spew, Ben,” I said as I walked out of the bathroom. There wasn’t enough room for all of us, and I didn’t feel particularly welcome anyway. Thankfully, Cam’s bed didn’t look as though it’d been slept in, so I didn’t have to put clean sheets on it. I just threw the cushions that we’d bought to match the new bedding just a month ago onto the floor. At that thought, my heart stopped, started, sidestepped, and then carried on its normal rhythm.
“They’re cushions, George. We bought cushions and bedding together. We didn’t get married. Get a grip girl,” I said aloud to myself.
Benny and Cam’s double came into the room with Cam’s arms each draped around their shoulders, his feet were dragging along the floor, and just for a second… Just for a split second the way he was being held… The way he looked, reminded me of Jesus on the cross. They dropped him unceremoniously onto the bed, and I lifted his legs and covered him with the duvet.
“You gonna stay here and look after him?” Cam’s double frowned as he looked at me.
I looked around the room, purely for effect. I knew full well it was me he was talking to. “Me?” I asked.
“Yes, you! Are you gonna fuckin’ stay and help put right this mess you caused.”
What?
I shook my head. “Who the fuck are you, and who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?”
“I’m Robbie, Cam’s brother. I’m assuming you’re Georgia? And if I assume correctly, then I’m talking to you.”
“Yes, I’m Georgia, but I didn’t cause this. He’s done this to himself.”
He put his hands on his hips and nodded his head, it was a stance and a gesture so much like Cam’s that I wanted to weep.
“You fucked him over, Georgia. You’re the first woman since Chantelle died he’s allowed himself to get close to. You’re the first woman he has openly admitted to me that he is in love with. He was so happy and then you fucked him over. You blew him out for your rock star, and you broke him. He’s more broken now than when he lost his wife and baby, and you fucking did it. So yes, you are the cause of this mess!”
I felt ashamed. I had caused this, but not intentionally. I had no clue Cam felt the way he did about me, or that he’d spent the last two weeks getting himself into this kind of fucked up state. Not that ignorance was any form of defence.
“I didn’t know,” I whispered as fresh tears burned my eyes and my voice trembled as I spoke.
“You didn’t know what?”
“I didn’t know he’d do this, I didn’t know he loved me. He never said, he never told me.” My chest heaved as I battled not to cry.
“No, because apparently you have a history of doing a runner when blokes tell ya that shit, so he was waiting. He knew you was coming round to the idea. He had it all planned, he was taking you away for two weeks in June after your brother’s wedding. He was gonna take you away and show you. He was going to make you realise that you
did love him.” He stopped talking as Cam mumbled in his sleep. “Are you staying or not sweetheart, that’s all I wanna know?”
He was taking me away? He knew I was falling in love with him?
He knew, but I didn’t! Did I?
“I can stay for a couple of hours.”
He didn’t acknowledge my reply, so I went and sat on the bed next to Cam.
“Right, Ben. I’ll arrange a cleaner to come through, but for now, can you just check all the cupboards and drawers in here and in the bathroom, anywhere he might stash gear or booze. I’ll get someone over to put some locks on the door, and we’ll work out shifts between me, Josh, and Tory to watch him. He hated rehab, we haven’t left it so long this time, so what I’m thinking is, we get a doctor over here to check him out, and if it’s okay, we do his detox and rehab from here.”
Benny nodded in agreement. “Good, that’s good, Rob. You‘re right, he hated rehab, it’ll kill ‘im if he goes back there.”
“I don’t understand this, is Cam an alcoholic or a junkie or both… Or what, I don’t understand?” I asked.
Robbie’s whole demeanour changed as he came over, sat down on the bed, and looked down at Cam. “Not really. I don’t know. I’m not a professional. Cam usually stays away from drugs, but he does do the odd line of Charlie, and he likes a drink as much as the next bloke, but he always knows when to say enough’s enough, well, aside from when he’s not coping.”
I watched Robbie as he brushed his brother’s hair from his and looked down at him with the same brown eyes I knew so well.
“When he’s not coping, he uses them to escape. He loses himself in a bottle, and when that’s not enough, he makes himself feel like he can deal with anything by snorting line after line of coke. That’s what he’s doing now.” His gaze turned to me, and he looked me over as if he were seeing me for the first time. “I’m sorry, all right, about what I said. He told me you’d never said that you loved him, that you hadn’t made any promises, and he told me you’d admitted from the start that you were in love with someone else. He was sure he could change your mind. The last thing he was expecting was for you to get back with the other bloke and for that bloke to be Sean McCarthy.”
Carnage Boxset Page 30